[mommy2fiveplus]

I adopted my son when he was 2 1/2, he was previously my 2nd cousin, he had been my foster son since 13 mos.

I am young (26) and was only 20 when he came to live with us, but I am also a professional, mature, and fairly experienced bio, foster and adoptive mom. My issue is that my family (mostly extended) feel like he is community property and they should have some say in his upbringing. I feel like they should have the same amount of pull as any other extended family (which is little) and no more than they have with my other children.

They were not there during the "crisis period" they did not step up when push came to shove and he ended up in foster care, they did not become licesened to take him or transport him to weekly visits with drug addled bparents who either didn't show up or were to high to interact with him. They were not thier when he was diagnosed with multiple developmental delays due to severe early neglect. They did not hold him and cry wishing they could take on his burdens that no baby should have to carry. They are here now, after intense therapy to get him to where his peers are and now that he is a typical 6 year-old. And NOW they want to start telling me how I should raise him and what I should and should not allow him to do and who he should be allowed to see. Can they not see that I make the decsions I do because I love him and want him to be safe, secure and happy?

These same people do not have anything to say about how I raise my other 4 kids one of whom is also adopted. I love my family but a few of them are driving me crazy! Thankfully my mom and my grandparents (his bfathers grandparents as well) are super supportive and have no problem telling the rest of the family off.

I know I kind of "signed up" for this situation when we chose to bring him into our family but somehow I thought after 5 years it would be a little easier.

Does anyone else have this same problem with a relative adoption situation?

[feelingreyt]

Congrats on the adoption of your son!!

My ason is almost a year old, so my experiences are limited, however, I do understand what you are going through.
My son's biograndmother and biogreatgrandmother would LOVE to have a say in everything regarding him. Of course when his biomom could not take care of him or 2 of his sisters the only thing they wanted to say(and did say!) is "how many of these kids can you come and get?"
I have had to put my foot down and let them know that they have no say. I'm lucky though, because our family(the ones that I see and know how they feel) are very supportive of our adoption and know that our son is very loved and taken care of. They would never try and dictate how we raise our children(we have 2 biochildren).
My only advise is to put your foot down and tell them exactly how you feel. That is easier said than done sometimes. Good luck!

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

I know I kind of "signed up" for this situation when we chose to bring him into our family but somehow I thought after 5 years it would be a little easier.

Does anyone else have this same problem with a relative adoption situation?

No ma'm, you did not sign up for that. You signed up to be this child's mother and you are.

Please do not hesitate or feel guilty about telling these people---"Thank you for your interest, I've got it under control." If they persist, be firmer--"I am his mother, I will decide what's best for him".

I also adopted a relative. I am 53 so few people feel they can tell me what to do-hehe-but I would not tolerate it for a moment, regardless of how old I was. I am this child's mother-that's it, end of story. Respect it or walk away from me AND the child!

Congratulations and best wishes for your adoption of this little one and your sweet family!

[mommy2fiveplus]

He is 6 yo now and it has been over three years since the adoption. I guess I knew that some of the family were ambivilant while he was in "foster care" even though it was our home but I figured after it was all official and he was adopted it would get better, like they would realize there is no going back and just come to terms with it and accept that he is now MY child which means my parenting take priority. That has not happened and some days I fear it never will, I try to explain my position but it falls of deaf ears. I think that relative adoptions is so much harder than foster-care (my other son is adopted through FC), there are so many dynamics I wish I could avoid.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

He is 6 yo now and it has been over three years since the adoption. I guess I knew that some of the family were ambivilant while he was in "foster care" even though it was our home but I figured after it was all official and he was adopted it would get better, like they would realize there is no going back and just come to terms with it and accept that he is now MY child which means my parenting take priority. That has not happened and some days I fear it never will, I try to explain my position but it falls of deaf ears. I think that relative adoptions is so much harder than foster-care (my other son is adopted through FC), there are so many dynamics I wish I could avoid.

I agree, there are so many dynamics to consider. I am lucky the Pacific Ocean is between us and people I would otherwise smack on a regular basis.

All I can say is stay firm-walk out of family gatherings if necessary--be consistent and rude if necessary.

You. Are. The. Mother.!!!!!!!!! You deserve respect--and from your posts, you certainly know what you are doing!!

Go girl!

[LoViN_LiFe]

My daughter has been with us since she was about 4mo old...now almost two years old. My BIL/SIL (her bio g-parents), are quick to give us unwanted unneeded advise. I finally just told them...look she is OUR daugther, you dont have a say, WE are the ones that took her into our homes when no one else in this family would because they did not want to upset bio-parents. WE are the ones that fed, clothed, bathed her with NO help (other then a few gifts) from family or CPS! So now...just keep your mouth shut.

Ok I know its a lil mean...but if you dont get straight to the point with people they are going to walk all over you! Good Luck and I pray you get the strength and words to get these people to back off.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by LoViN_LiFe

My daughter has been with us since she was about 4mo old...now almost two years old. My BIL/SIL (her bio g-parents), are quick to give us unwanted unneeded advise. I finally just told them...look she is OUR daugther, you dont have a say, WE are the ones that took her into our homes when no one else in this family would because they did not want to upset bio-parents. WE are the ones that fed, clothed, bathed her with NO help (other then a few gifts) from family or CPS! So now...just keep your mouth shut.

Ok I know its a lil mean...but if you dont get straight to the point with people they are going to walk all over you! Good Luck and I pray you get the strength and words to get these people to back off.

It's not mean-it's taking care of our children. Being a parent is not easy, and this is some of the "not easy" stuff we have to do.

Kind of like dirty diapers, isn't it? heehee!

[Meera]

My adaughter is almost 4 months old. When we went through the adoption we did so to give her the life that her biomother could not give her. Unfortunately, the biomom's extended family wanted it differently and actually wanted us to "share" our daughter and even commented that she would be a "bridge between the two families". My husband and I struggled on how to make this work but soon we realized it would not. It would be as if she were born into a divorce. Plus, the biofamily values and life style were not safe for our daughter. The more we learned about this family the more worried we became. So, we cut them off....completely. Harsh as it sounds it is the best. The biomother actually agrees with us. Her comment was "I just don't want X to go through what I went though."

Right now the biomom and her mother have access to my daughter, but that is all. They visit her here at my home when it's convenient to my family. So, make a stand if you have to..remember you are the mother and you are doing what is best for your child.

Good luck to you.
M

[Lynard1210]

Here is how I look at it. . . . if family members were telling me my bio-son was community property, i would laugh at them. These family members WISH your child were community property . . .because they they get all the goodies without any of the hard work of parenting.

We have the opposite problem. . . . birthmom, birth grandma act as though our daughter doesn't exist. My husband's mom (the one who threw the biggest fit when all this went down) rarely sees our daughter. Fortunately, my side of the family has been supportive and the extended paternal side has as well.

I do for my daughter the same thing i do for my son: protect from dysfunctional family members by setting appropriate boundaries. There is no need to be mean to anyone . . . but sometimes the answer is NO!