[mybeehive]

I'm hoping for objective opinions. We are in the 6 month wait for finalization of adoption for our beautiful baby boy. This is a direct placement adoption with our niece, birthmom. ( she came to us to ask us to adopt)
The communication started well, visits and calls. Her anger in grief then became directed at us and although the voluntary TPR was completed, the anger turned to demands of visits with him unsupervised for hours at a time. After we refused these demands, there was an incidence of threatening to come to take him. That was our last communication with bmom two months ago. I have written a letter to bmom stating we would like to have written communication only with her, maintaining a level of respect and safety for the present time until she can work through some of her anger, but I can't make myself mail it. I don't want to make everthing worse. I do have the greatest of sympathy for her pain and grief, but I will not allow her to subject my family to threats and fear. We suggested further counseling for her and she refused, as of last conversation. How can we make this better ?

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by mybeehive

I'm hoping for objective opinions. We are in the 6 month wait for finalization of adoption for our beautiful baby boy. This is a direct placement adoption with our niece, birthmom. ( she came to us to ask us to adopt)
The communication started well, visits and calls. Her anger in grief then became directed at us and although the voluntary TPR was completed, the anger turned to demands of visits with him unsupervised for hours at a time. After we refused these demands, there was an incidence of threatening to come to take him. That was our last communication with bmom two months ago. I have written a letter to bmom stating we would like to have written communication only with her, maintaining a level of respect and safety for the present time until she can work through some of her anger, but I can't make myself mail it. I don't want to make everthing worse. I do have the greatest of sympathy for her pain and grief, but I will not allow her to subject my family to threats and fear. We suggested further counseling for her and she refused, as of last conversation. How can we make this better ?

It sounds like an impartial mediator is needed. Will social services help with a therapist or counselor? Is there a family member that can be impartial?

You are right to have no contact until bmother gets herself under control. The TPR happened, she has no rights to your child or family.

Hope this works out, but bear in mind you may have to say goodbye to your niece for the good of your child.

[proudmum]

mybeehive,,
i really do feel for you at this time.
It is a very hard situation to be in, but the safety of your child comes first no matter what.
I KNOW the feeling of not wanting to send that letter for fear of the repercussions,,i really,really do, but it probably is the best thing to do.( we are still to send ours and not looking forward to it).
That way, you and bmom both know where you are at kwim?
As you said "for the present time" make sure that you make yourself very clear that you will welcome visits again ( if you want to) when she has stopped the threats and has got her anger under control.
Honestly i think that is fair, as living with threats is terrible no matter who they are coming from.
You are more then welcome to PM if you want to talk more. good luck for the future
Proudmum

[Havebigheart]

That's too bad. You have to look out for the good of your child. I'm sorry that she's angry and grieving. I hope she is able to cope better soon.