[hkolln]

We'll be adopting our 8 yr old niece whom has been living with us for 9 months now as a foster child from another state. Her biomom (my husbands half sister) was in prison for 19 months for drugs and just recently was paroled in Idaho. While our niece was living with us her biomom has been writing to her from prison and I have been writing back to keep her updated on her daughters progress and transition with us. Because of the ICPC issues we are encountering we are still awaiting the finalization of the adoption. Biomom voluntarilly TPR'd back in August and biodad was TPR'd by default.

Now that biomom is out of prison she has been calling asking for times to call her daughter. I don't trust her because she has a track record of doing drugs and has never cleaned herself up, even after losing her daughter once at a much younger age. Yeah she cleaned herself up just enough to get her daughter back and then went back to drugs and back with a violent man.

My husband and I are torn between do we allow a visit in June when we go to visit our other relatives or do we not. Our niece is doing very welll with us..no major issues and everything seems to be fine. She is also going thru therapy too which is helping her alot. We want to do what is best for our niece (she has a very close bond with her Mom) however we want to protect her also from anything negative that may happen. Has anyone had to deal with this? My concern is my SIL will find someone to come with her and take her daughter...she is very unstable and emotional on the phone when we speak. How do you decide as far as visitation goes with a family member when you know they aren't that much of a positive role model as you hoped?

[mom2behappy]

@ this poing and with your sister in laws instability i personally would not allow visits as yet. I would allow her to speak with your daughter only on speaker fone. and i would meet with her and let her know your expectations and tell her because of her history you need to be sure that she is ready to be a positive influence on your daughter who has already been thru so much. while your daughter is doing great and is n therapy seeing mom could be a set back you and your husband would need to be prepared for. family adoptions are always hard. but you are now her parents and need to continue on your fight for what is best for your new daughter regardless to family dynamics.
I wish you the best

[crick]

I think before a visit, start small with the phone calls if you are comfortable with that and dd wants to do that. Start with small steps to rebuild the relationship before you consider the visitation.

If you can't trust her just yet, maybe start out by doing speaker phone calls where you can be a part of the conversation.

And before allowing the phone conversation, have a one on one call with her to lay the ground rules. I.e. she can't make promises she can't keep or ones that you are not going to allow "Can't wait to see you in June so we can have a sleepover!" or something like that.

Also talk to your dd and see how she feels about it. If she has any concerns or etc.

Regardless...I think there's enough history to where I would not just jump into a visit without any prior contact etc.

[hkolln]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I'm so new to this and want to do whatever is best for our niece (soon to be daughter) whom we love very much.

After thinking it thru we both feel it would be best to start with phone calls for awhile (and those are going to be limited and completely monitored via speakerphone). If that goes well we can see about a visit later on but right now we feel is just not a good time. Our niece has adjusted very well with us and I'm not completely sure a visit won't set her back. Even her CASA worker suggested it's not a good time right now to do a visit...as she also felt it may be too soon from TPR. And we do not want to confuse her...I'm afraid she'll see Mom's out of prison and not understand why she is still living with us. She does understand Mom can't parent her and has made wrong choices. It's just so hard because she was removed from Mom's custody at 6 yrs old and she has a strong bond with her even though Mom couldn't protect her. We all know how kids love their parents unconditionally...I just want to protect her from any future hurt after all she's been thru.

Just wanted to say "thanks" to everyone