[cluless10]

Hi, I am new here and not sure how I feel about posting on a public forum, but I really could use some encouragement, advice and help with this one!
I have a sister in another state who's 2 year old is in Foster care. (her first child was adopted out to his foster family and the second child is with her dad (he has custody) This baby has been in foster care twice since birth and for 9 months this time. She is afraid the court is going to say they have had enough this week and try to take her rights away. She has asked my husband and I if we will take him and wants to sign custody over to us if the courts will allow it.
My husband has tons of concerns, Is this just an easy way out for her to still be able to see him when she wants and to still get to do the things she wants to do, is it better for a child to grow up and know his biological mom sometimes or not at all, what if she causes tons of stress and chaos in our life, so many questions. This may not be such a hard decision if we did not have little one's that could be influensed by the presense of my sister in our life. She has said she wants to come here and live with us (which my husband and I are both opposed to) I have 6 children, 5 who are home (1 is in collage) My heart says we would love to have him and we have plenty of love to go around but my brain is saying my husband has some valid concerns and wants to make sure we don't put our children in danger or stress and chaos as well as her child if he comes here.
This was brought on to us fairly quickly.
So is there anyone else that was in this same type of situation or is this same situation and if so how have you handled it and what have you done? I spoke to her Lawyer the other day and left her social worker a message today, I feel like I need to talk to some sort of counselor or someone used to dealing with these type of situations. I don't want to walk into anything blindly or impulsively and of course my husband and I need to be on the same page if we decide to do this or if we decide not to. Thanks for any help you can give me or for any resources you can direct my way.

[cluless10]

"what if she causes tons of stress and chaos in our life, so many questions."

I need to clarify that in this comment I meant the mom, not the child:-)

I spoke to the Social worker who said I was being a little premature in trying to figure all of this out or trying to decide if I need an attorney. I did set up an appointment with a counselor for my husband and I to go talk to. Even if a little premature I would rather know if we feel like this is something we want to do or not instead of waiting till crunch time and making a decision in the moment instead of it being a well thought out decision.

I have seen a lot of threads on here from those that have adopted a relatives child that they have had since birth but am not having much luck at finding to many in the same situation as we are in.

[julie23]

relative adoption is complicated...

My husband has tons of concerns, Is this just an easy way out for her to still be able to see him when she wants and to still get to do the things she wants to do, is it better for a child to grow up and know his biological mom sometimes or not at all, what if she causes tons of stress and chaos in our life, so many questions

we have recently adopted, and in one of our classes, the caseworker mentioned that in relative adoption, many mothers DO feel like if a family member has the baby, it won't be like a "real" adoption... and they can easily access the child....

you are really wise to seek counseling now...

julie

[feelingreyt]

We are in a relative adoption. We have 2 bio children ages 7 and 3. We were placed with our ason when he was 5 days old, so my experience will be somewhat different. His first mom is a distant cousin to my husband. We, also, were not looking to adopt. We were asked by the immeditate family to take the youngest of 4 when their mom went to jail. We did not hesitate, we picked him up the next morning. By they way, we live in the same County.
After a few weeks his first mom asked us to adopt him. She had wanted to place him from the moment she found out she was pregnant, but just couldn't see letting someone she didn't know take him. To make a long story short, the adoption is Final!
Has there been more chaos caused by the first mom? YES! She is a drug addict who is in and out of jail. Is it worth it? You bet!
As a side note, we took care of my ason's biosister, 17 months old, for almost a month last month when her mom just couldn't handle her crying and honestly, just wanted to party. I would adopt her in if I could, but to be honest, the family wants to keep her and her 27 month old sister together, so they are now placed with a friend of the family. I can not handle 5 children with 4 of them being age 3 and under, I just can't! Their oldest sister who is 4 is with their grandmother, where she has been since birth.
All of that to say, if you can provide a loving secure home for your nephew, and if that is what is best for him, all the chaos from your sister will be worth it. Also, BOUNDARIES! Set rules that she must abide by. PERIOD. If she don't, then tell her contact is a no no until she learns to respect you and your rules.

Just curious.....has your nephew been in the same foster home for 9 months? Just wondering how attached he is to them and what their take is on all this. Are they wanting to adopt him, if possible?

Also, does he know you and your family? 2 yrs old is still a very young age. I would not let the fact that is not a newborn affect your decision.

[cluless10]

Originally Posted by feelingreyt

Just curious.....has your nephew been in the same foster home for 9 months? Just wondering how attached he is to them and what their take is on all this. Are they wanting to adopt him, if possible?

Also, does he know you and your family? 2 yrs old is still a very young age. I would not let the fact that is not a newborn affect your decision.

Wow thank you for the encouragement and the stories.
I am trying to be some what careful of what I post since this is a public forum but it is hard to get answers to your questions if your not sort of point blank:-)

Is there anything that I should know about that isn't allowed or ethical to post on these boards to protect identities? Can you tell I'm really new to all of this? lol
I would feel terrible if she new I was posting all of this but then again I really feel that anyone who has been in my shoes right now may be able to help us fill in the gaps that can help us figure all of this out.

I am in the process of finding out what the situation is with the foster family. I found out today that he has actually been in foster care for 14 months, I thought he was in foster care for 5 months then back with his mom then back into foster care. I thought he had been with the same family for nine months. When I talked to the case worker today she said she would need a release from my sister before she could speak to me. But she made mention of him being in foster care for 14 months and made mention of how long he was with the same family but I missed what she said. I asked the worker if they had an interest in adopting him and she said since the plan has always been reunification and since she didn't have a release yet she could not answer that. I spoke to my sister today and she said she thought the foster family would be interested in adopting him. I knew her first child well, he was adopted and I now have no contact with him. Her second child is with her dad (he has full custody) I still have a relationship with her and her has a relationship with her little brother. I have no relationship with her little brother, my nephew as he has been with my sister such a small amount of time.


His age is not one of our considerations, it is more about
how will taking him effect our children not so much because of him but because of his mom being more involved in our life and what stress she may bring with her or cause to her son that would effect the family, If we took him of course we would consider him as one of ours as well and how to protect him and keep boundaries with his mom is a hard thing to imagine dealing with. We will take into consideration if the foster family wants him. This is why I did not interfere with the first child's adoption, the family that was his foster family wanted him and he had been with them a very long time and loved him. I explained this to my sister today and explained that if this is the same situation I will have a very hard time with the concept that taking him out of a home he is used to will be good for him. She said she still wants us to have him because we are family and she gave some other reasons as well. I do not think I could do that to him if they want him. There is a lot to take into consideration and me don't have all the facts yet. This should become clearer over time. I am waiting on the worker to get the release, my husband and I are going to see a counselor regarding all of this and hopefully day by day we will become clearer on the whole situation.

Thanks again for your replies.

[cluless10]

Originally Posted by cluless10

There is a lot to take into consideration and me don't have all the facts yet.
Thanks again for your replies.

Ok I am not used to this forum stuff, Just to let all know, I did not type like this the spell checker did it and I was not paying attention. :-)

[2manyks]

relative adoption is VERY stressful. if you are trying to aviod stress then dont do it. we have had our children for 3 years. it has been very hard for us, biograndparents, biofather. there is no easy way to put it. stress. will it be worth it in the end? i hope so, cause i still dont feel like we are at the end. i dont want to be a downer here, but it has been the hardest thing we have ever been through - and these were not our first kids and not our first adoption. it has also been very hard on a few of my children. make sure you are really prepared mentally before you jump into this.

[Howdy]

I adopted my daughter from foster care. She had been placed with her grandmother to be adopted, but before the adoption happened the county found out the birthfather had been allowed to come visit, so they wouldn't let the grandmother keep her and moved her. The county has all the legal rights of custody up until the adoption (i.e., the child can be removed). So that is something to consider too, if you don't think you can prevent the mother from coming over.
I got a restraining order against the bfather of my adopted child, but her grandmother was not willing to take the necessary steps to keep him away. Would you be willing to get a restraining order and call the police on your sister and have your own sister put in jail?

[LoViN_LiFe]

We are in the process of adopting our daugther (bio-great-neice) she was removed from bio-parents custody by CPS and has been with us for over a year. Their rights were TPR'd earlier this month. They have caused nothing but STRESS since day one. They get drunk or high on drugs and call, cursing and starting fights. Thankfully they live about 8 hours away from us, and altough they make threats to move close, we know that since they could not even come to visit her in a year, there is no concern of them moving close to us. Its been a long and painful year, but I would do it all over again to know that our lil girl is safe. The court ordered NO contact but ultimately that is our decision. I think if your nephew is in a good place that wants to keep him then it may be wise to leave him there, and dont be afraid to ask CW to contact FPs to see if you can play a part in his life. Most AP's that I have met want to allow family into their childrens life, as long as it will not cause harm to him. Good Luck...Ill pray that your questions and concerns are answered. As ALL adoption is painful, I believe that relative tops the list...but the reward is WONDERFUL! I know everytime I look at that gorgeous lil face looking up calling me mama.!

[cluless10]

2mnyks, we have 6 children and an active lifestyle, stress is unavoidable, lol. Although what we would like to do is protect our children and if we take my nephew he would be considered one of our children, I am just looking for pro's, cons and tips to how others dealt with all these feelings and choices when they were going through the process.

Howdy, My sister is about 15 hours away right now. I don't know if she would come here one day or not, I would assume not but you never know, I guess I would have to deal with that when the time came if we decided to do this. But I can assure you I would do whatever it took to protect any child under my roof. Again just trying to get tips and helpfull info from others that may have been in a similar situation, You gave me a good point to think about "what would I do if I was told she couldn't see him but showed up anyway?"

Lovin life, You sound so sweet, Thank you for giving me the tip about being able to stay in touch, so far from what I hear she may not want to adopt him, we don't know yet. That will be a big part of our decision.
I know what you mean about that sweet face loking up at you. I have been a mom for 19 years and have 6 children I still melt everytime my little ones look up at me with all that love in their sweet faces!

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

First off, the child is in custody of the state so your sister cannot sign custody over to you as she doesn't have it to give.

Second, you would have to be a kinship placement and you would have certain requirements to meet. To ever adopt, your sister's parental rights would have to be terminated and often times the court orders a "no contact" rule which means the child can not have ANY contact with the birth parent if the judge deems necessary (and this may help you decide whether you want her around or not because the judge may make that decision for you)

The judge will also be the one to decide where this child goes. Your sister has absolutely ZERO say in the matter. The caseworker can work with you and let the judge know about your interest in the child etc. But ultimately, the judge decides where that child goes.

Third, please consider this child's bond with the foster family. They are the only family this child remembers if he has been there for 14 months and is only 2 years old. If these people want to adopt this child I for one think they are in his best interest as he does not even know you. I am sure you would make excellent parents, but he will not understand that.

Be prepared for the judge to ask why you are just now stepping forward and showing interest in the child when he has been a ward of the state for so long. And when you say that it is because the mother made you aware of the situation and wants you to parent her child, the judge may decide against you for that very reason. He will see through the mother's attempt to maintain "custody" through a relative placement.

They will do a homestudy, criminal background check, and many other "tests" to ensure you are nothing like your sister. Be prepared and if you truly feel like you are where this child needs to be....then I wish you all the best. Good Luck!

Kim

[feelingreyt]

In some states, TN being one of them, relatives do not always have to have a homestudy or background checks. We did not have to do any of that. Infact, even though we had a face to face conversation with the DCS caseworker to assure her we wanted to take care of H, they have never seen our home. Our lawyer asked the Judge to waive the homestudy being as we were family and he did. The adoption was very inexpensive because of that.
Just check your State Laws and talk with an Attorney.

I must agree though, that if the foster parents are wishing to adopt, that may be your nephews best option. They are the only parents he knows. However, if they don't wish to adopt, then I say go for it! He will be a true blessing, as I'm sure you already know!

[cluless10]

Originally Posted by feelingreyt

I must agree though, that if the foster parents are wishing to adopt, that may be your nephews best option. They are the only parents he knows. However, if they don't wish to adopt, then I say go for it! He will be a true blessing, as I'm sure you already know!

Thanks feelingreyt!
The only reason we are lookin ginto this is in case the judge terminates her rights and in case the foster parents don't want to adopt him. I wouldn't want to see him in the foster care system long term or maybe not being adopted out long term. I think he has been in the same home for 4 months. I have talked to several lawyers in both states and if her rights are terminated and if the foster family does not want to adopt him there is several options for adoption. They still have to include the father in all of this to and either include him in the process or terminate his rights as well.

xxsurroundedbyxy, I appreciate your advice I am just looking for answers to help us make this decision if the decision needs to be made I am a person that likes to know what is coming I don't like jumping without any notice. I have talked to the social worker and several lawyers and a adoption support group coordinator about the home study and the different options here. You are correct about my sister not having any say in the matter if her rights are terminated but the baby's dad will still have a say.
If the judge needs to know why I am just now stepping forward I plan on being honest with him (my sister didn't want me to know he was in foster care and thought she could get him back so she didn't share this info till about three months ago and once I knew I did not want to interfere since he was doing well in that home and we lived 8 hours away in a different state, but once I found out her rights were being taken I had an interest as I do not want to see him grow up in foster care) Then I plan on leaving it all in his, the judge's and God's will.

I have to say the whole reason I posted on this board is because at this point I am not sure this is "where this child needs to be," I am waiting on more answers, asking more questions, looking into every aspect of this whole situation to gain perspective and make informed decisions on all of this as we move along through this process with my sister.

Thanks again for your support, tips, advice and encouragement.

[feelingreyt]

cluless10,
If your nephew has been in foster care for 14 months but have only been with this family for 4 months then that indicates to me that he NEEDS stability. It may just be in his best interest for you to give him a forever home. They are obviously not the only parents he has ever known. OFcourse with multiple moves problems can worsen with attachment, but that may be a risk you need to take. I am so thankful that you are researching this out and contacting his social worker. Together, hopefully, you all can decide what is the best course of action to take, if any. I will pray that God gives you Wisdom and Direction and that HIS Will will be done in all of your lives.