[UncleMaybeDad]

Hi all,
I've been reading these boards for quite a while and see that you all have very good advice, etc. Here's my situation and I hope you can give me some insight.

My step-niece (not adopted by my brother, so no blood/legal relation) has just given birth to her 3rd child. She's 22 and does not get any support from the fathers of the other 2 children. (3 babies, 3 fathers). When she was about to give birth to her last daughter last month, she contacted me and said she wanted me to adopt her baby if it was the father of her 2nd child; who she was currently living with. They knew that they were unable to care for a 3rd child and she had previously considered letting me adopt her 1st and 2nd. After the DNA test was done, it was found out that the father is actually the "man" (I use that term loosely) that she had an affair with. Very Jerry-Springer. He told her under no circumstances would he consent to letting his baby be adopted, even though he has 2 other children that he doesn't support and has legal cases pending about those. He has not yet petitioned to be on the birth certificate, nor has he supported her or the baby aside from a few diapers and some wipes.
Over the course of the past month I've been in a waiting pattern---she wanted to see if he was going to be a responsible parent and if he was going to help her out, etc. For the first 3 weeks after she gave birth we were in constant communication, then beginning last week I didn't get any calls back or any news at all. So my assumption was that she decided to keep her. This past Sunday she called me, we had a long talk and she said she had decided that it would be for the best if I gave this baby a chance (I'm somewhat well off) and she could work on bettering herself for her older girls. Also, the bio-donor was supposed to take the baby for the first time over the weekend and returned her 45 minutes later stating she was crying too much.

I began all my preparations Sunday evening to fly to FL on Tuesday. I live in California, they are in FL. More on that later. Before I went and bought all of the baby furniture, etc. yesterday I called one more time just to make sure. It turns out her friends told her she was being a bad mom and she more or less changed her mind. Then she lied and said the bio-dad went to the courts to apply for guardianship.

Now it seems she's interested again. I'm not calling her back at this point because I think things are heated and out of control, but I plan on flying there this weekend to talk to her in person.
Since I'm in California and she's in FL, and being that there are no current petitions from the bio-dad (to either be put on the birth certificate or for guardianship), if she signs the papers to sign over guardianship to me and I hightail it back to FL, if there's a change of mind it has to be fought in CA courts. Neither she nor the bioD have the funds to do this.

My lawyer informed me that there will be court dates in CA that family members would have to attend if they wanted to contest. I'm not super worried about that, because neither of them have money to leave and I believe the bioD is not allowed to leave the state. However, if he does contest, I was also told that he would have to submit to a home inspection in the state of FL. Being that he has drug-induced schizophrenia and is a drug dealer, I'm not too worried about that either.

My question is: If everything goes as planned, I obtain guardianship and adopt in 6-9 months, will I always have the risk that at some point in the future that one of them will be able to contest the adoption and take her away from me? I'm strong enough for all of the fighting for her in the short term to give her a chance at a better life, but I don't want to run the risk of having her taken away from me years down the road.

Sorry for the long read, and thanks in advance for any advice/insight/comments.

[UncleMaybeDad]

Not sure how to edit this, but I just re-read it and realized I meant to say "hightail it back to CA"; not FL.

[2manyks]

i think if they both sign tpr's, and its all done legal and everything, you will not always carry the legal risk. you will have them bugging you though. sounds like you are ok with that. it is a good idea to go and check out the situation in person. it will also help them/her to see you in person and make everything a reality rather then just a vague notion, KWIM? make sure you see a lawyer (orwhatever you have to do in florida - florida law). get guardianship or custody. you dont want them claiming you kidnapped their baby. its hard for moms to make an adoption plan without any family/friend support. sounds like she has support from her current dh/boyfriend? good luck and keep us informed!

[UncleMaybeDad]

Thanks for the input. From what I understand from my lawyer here in CA, he does no thave to sign the guardianship papers because he hasn't yet petitioned to be on the birth certificate. He also stated if there are no papers filed in FL yet (by bio-dad or her) for custody, as long as she signs the guardianship papers and they are filed in CA, everything will be handled in CA.

Is there still a risk of him filing kidnap charges? I had never thought of that.

She doesn't have the support of either dh/boyfriend, neither of them are supporting her in any way. Her family will be supporting her though.

[DCMomLady]

UncleMaybeDad, here are a few things you might want to think about:

There is a possibility that bioD may use the Putative Father Registry to declare and establish his parental rights. I think fathers that do that must consent to a TPR and adoption. And I think he can prevent you from taking the child out-of-state. I'm sure there are others here who have experience with the Registry and may tell you more about its use and the problems they've had circumventing it.

As for the step-niece, I don't know that I would place my confidence in her wavering plans to place her daughter with you. Remember, she told you before child 1 and child 2 that she was thinking of placing them with you -- but she didn't, did she? She didn't place the newborn with you a month ago and I think that also indicates she is strongly considering keeping and raising her new daughter, too.

I wouldn't buy furniture and I'm not sure I'd go there and put pressure on her to make a decision. That may be seen as manipulation or coersion and that is where future legal (and psychological) problems may come from.

In cases that proceed with all legal protections for all parties, the adoption is usually a done deal when it's finalized. No one can interfere after that; although some states do have a brief waiting period after finalization just in case there are second-thoughts about it.

One last thought, a comfortable life and good income do not necessarily mean you are ready and able to parent an infant. My husband and I became first-time parents when we adopted my great-niece. We experienced a real awakening when we brought her home. In fact, five years later, I still have moments when I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility.

[UncleMaybeDad]

Thanks DCMomLady

The reason she didn't place Daughters #1 & 2 with me is because at the time, she was living with their respective fathers and believed they would support her. Unfortunately both left and my brother & sister in law were the ones who took the babies in. Out of the 49 months since her oldest daughter was born, she has had her a total of 6 months; she moves from friends house to friends house until she gets thrown out. Currently she's on house arrest, faces eviction on the 26th and faces jail time in April because she can't pay her monthly ankle bracelet monitoring fee. As far as child 3, she wasn't able to place her with me immediately after birth because there were paternity tests that were needed. As I said, she and the father of her 2nd child had agreed if daughter 3 was his, they wanted me to adopt. BioDad, who hadn't been in the picture, wanted joint custody but has not made an effort to do so.
The only reason she changed her mind after telling me to come this week and she would sign her over to me is that her friends, who of course don't have to raise the kids, say she is being a bad mother. When she called me on Sunday and said after thinking long & hard about the situation; she said she realized it was the best option for me to adopt to give everyone involved a chance at a better life. Which is why I don't think my visit would be viewed as manipulation. I want to talk to her in person, as an adult, and either put this behind me or reassure her that her decision is for the best. No pressure, no false promises, but an adult 1:1 conversation without her family pressuring her to do this (which they have been) or her friends pressuring her not to (which they have been).

[feelingreyt]

UncleMaybeDad,
I can relate to what you are dealing with. The biomom of my ason sounds like she could be your niece's twin in the world of crimes.
I adopted J's 4th and last child(she FINALLY got her tubes tied). Her oldest dd lives with J's mom, her 2 middle children have been bounced around like balls. It's so sad. J is talking about letting the 2 middle girls be adopted by the family that is currently taking care of them. Yes, she is in jail, again. She keeps going back and forth on what she wants to do with these precious girls age 17 months and 28 months. My son by the way is 7 months and her oldest turned 4 in Janurary 08!

I think it's great that you are going to have a face2face with her. I don't believe that an honest converstaion will be considered manipulation.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[UncleMaybeDad]

Thanks feelingreyt. You know, I figure if I don't go; I'll always wonder. And if I get the opportunity to give her a chance at a much better life, I'm going to fight with everything I have