[mlb2008]

This is my first time ever reading and/or posting on a forum. I don't know all the convenient abbreviations so bear with me. 2 1/2 years ago my husband and I adopted my half-sisters daughter. My then 17-year old sister found out she was pregnant at 7 months (I know, believe it or not she didn't know). I was there when she found out, I was there at her first ultrasound one week later and saw my beautiful baby girl. I knew then I would be her mother, even though there had only been a brief mention of the word adoption.
We had had 3 miscarriages in the past year. A few weeks later we found out we were pregnant, wait..turns out not a viable preg. Two weeks later found out it WAS viable. We were pregnant with our son and had decided to adopt our daughter days before we found out. this was very hard on my sister, she had misgivings anyway (our brother is adopted from my aunt also but has not been a good experience, bmom not in picture and he doesnt know he's adopted). So she feared being shut out of her life. Through hours of talking, counseling etc. we agreed and took our baby home from the hospital at 2 days old.
My sister and I were never close (11years apart) and couldn't be more different.She has been a huge part of her life from day one. I took her to see my sister several times/week after the birth. She eventually started watching the babies (who are 7 mos apart) once a week.
We are very close to the bdads parents. they call themselves Grandma and Papa (with our permission) to both of our children. Much to my sisters dismay however. She hates bdad I guess for not wanting to marry her and have baby. SO...my sister has always been pretty resentful toward me, feeling that I "won the prize". So recently I saw her and discovered (the second I saw her) that she had a tattoo (first one) of daughters birthdate on the inside of her wrist. In big, bold, black, block numbers **-**-**. When I saw this she laughed, embarrassed and tried to hide it. I avoided a fight and have been trying to sort out my feelings before talking to her. I've been reading these forums for weeks trying to gain insight to dealing with someone very selfish and immature.
I think it would a beautiful thing to have on her body, with her for the rest of her life. But so visible, you can't look at her without seeing it?
We obviously realize she wants the world to see what she did (constantly wants validation for her self-lessness) but we felt betrayed. I know that sounds stupid but that affects all of my children. We have always known we would be totally honest but on our terms. After thinking for a few weeks I realize my daughter will know who her bmom is anyway so what does it matter. But we have worked so hard to create a healthy relationship. I might sound harsh about her, but shes not the nicest person. I have been very generous with her and always try to put her feelings first, while she completely ignores mine.I guess I feel like this is a boundaries issue. And I guess now I need validation for being so upset. Probably wouldn't be so upset if she acted differently toward me. I think I have just typed the longest thread ever, but this has been, I think 2 years of feelings and would love any comments, suggestions, literature on relative adoption. I know we have a long road ahead of us,but we couldn't be more blessed. Again, sorry for the rambling.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I don't think (from what you've written) that you and your sister's relationship was the healthiest to begin with but I definitely think it is unhealthy now for both of you.

I think her keeping both kids 1 day a week is a little much for a birthmom to handle. Can you imagine "babysitting" your own child? Plus, what could she be telling this child in your absence?

Some of her self-centeredness is her age. If she was 17 at pregnancy and the child is two then I am going to assume she is only 19 .... and emotionally disturbed because rarely does a woman relinquish her child and not become emotionally distraught at times. With you 11 years older, I am sure she sees you more as an authority figure than a sister and is rebelling the only way she knows how with the tatoo.

I think you have every right to be upset and I think you need to set up some stricter boundaries. She is privy to way too much info. Such as, does she even have to know that the bdad's parents have been for a visit? To a certain extent this adoption has been TOO open and needs to be closed off some for everyone involved.

I am so sorry for your awkward and uncomfortable situation. I will say a prayer that the right words come out when you choose to speak to her.

Kim

[mlb2008]

My husband and I have stayed up discussing your reply. Just your few words have helped open new conversations for us. You are very right about our relationship and situation. She doesn't watch the babies (yes I know they're toddlers) anymore. But my mother does twice a week, so my sister usually tries to come over then. Until recently she usually came by our house about once a week. I kind of felt like my issue was trivial considering some of the discussions on this site. You made me feel very good, thank you.

[BellaNuosci]

I respectfully disagree that any "boundary" has been crossed. Your sister tattooed her own body, with a birthdate that belongs to her child which she also nurtured and grew within her own body.

[lovemy2boys]

Our adoptions aren't relative adoptions, but I have experience with the "tattoo" thing. The last time we saw our oldest son's firstmom, I noticed she had his initials tattooed on her wrist - the initials are what name she had given him (only the middle name stayed the same). I had no reaction either way...actually that's not true - it made me a bit sad on her behalf because I know how hard it must be for her.

Now, she was 18 when AJ was born and is now 25, but she is still immature emotionally (not a criticism, but just part of who she is due to circumstances of her life). We had pretty serious boundary issues, and it was easy for us to blame her, but we were the ones who failed to put them into place, so it was truly both of our issue. It took a looong while to straighten things out (and believe me - we were on the receiving end of some very nasty remarks)...now though, we are at a wonderful place.

A previous poster remarked that maybe your sis is privy to too much info - that's probably true. For our youngest son, his firstparents also "hate" each other, so we tell them that our decision to have JD's father/mother in his life is for HIS benefit, and not open for discussion. It's harder for you, I know, since it is a sister, but communication is the key, and eventually if you work at it now, it will get easier.

Give it time - my kids are 4 and 6 and I am just now feeling like things are at a great place for ALL of us in this relationship. Good luck to you - and stick with these boards - it's a great support system!

[TxMom65]

I don't have a family adoption, but have had possibilities of custody a few times. The thought of it gives me an ulcer. When it is family it makes things so difficult because you know so much history and there isn't a level of respect that is there with a stranger.

Good luck. Remember to try to let go of what you can't control.

[MamaS]

Kim is absolutely right! I have a relative adoption too, and the bmother intensely dislikes the bfather (and especially his fiancee) and always wants more information about them than she needs. When did they come? What was she wearing? Whose car were they driving? etc. If she knows when they are coming she finds an excuse to "drop in" and "leave something she bought for the baby" so he will be reminded she now has a job.
Bfather also has a tattoo with his name, bmom's name, and the baby's name. I said nothing about it. He can explain it to the girl he finally marries!
Bottom line - you and your husband are the parents of two children. Your sister is now the aunt of two children. You must do what is best for your children before considering your sister, the grandparents, or anyone else.
B-mothers do not like to be told they "need to move on" but your sister does. She does not need to babysit her bchild or yours. She probably needs counseling to help cope with the grief and to make life choices. Maybe you could enlist her mother to encourage that. At 19, her future is open -- college, career, and maybe someday she will find a good man and "win the prize" just like you did.

[thanksgivingmom]

I completely understand the need for boundaries.

However, I'm an aunt that babysits my brothers' kids (coincidentally my half brother that's eleven years older than me) probably once a week. I've got several neices and nephews and it's always been this way (with all six of my older half sibs and thier children). In a familial relationship, this activity isn't completely abnormal, which does add to the complication in implementing stringent boundaries.

I realize that you're in a very different situation in that the aunt is also birthmom, but from my experience, it's very offensive and hurtful to tell bmom that she shouldn't watch the kids because it's "too hard on her." This is the reason why I was denied a visit with my daughter for so long. I didn't need to be told what was best for me. So MamaS is right, bmoms don't like being told to move on, nor do they like being told what they need at all. And I think it's fair for us to not like that. Would an infertile couple like to have a very fertile bmom say, "You just need to get over it?" Doubtful. And I would never presume to say that to such a couple. It's inappropriate.

When restricitng contact, "It's too hard on her" feels VERY much like a cop out reason. Like you're doing this for her. Please just be honest with her in your reasons for now, two years later, setting up these boundaries.

[Oceans]

I agree that telling her its time to "move on" is probably not appropriate. Rarely can birthmom's "move on" until they have learned to integrate their new role into their life. Yes, they grow up, but until they accept and incorporate "who they are", many can have problems thriving which is what I know you want for your sister.

I would suggest focusing on why you have an open adoption in the first place. When I say you, I mean you, your husband and your sister. Open adoption, when embraced by all, is truly healthy for the child. I'm not saying it's a cake walk by any stretch. It's a process for sure.

I may be reading into this but I get the feeling you may be at the beginning stages of a tug-of-war with your DD smack in the middle. Try to nip that that in the bud. Maybe it's time to introduce the concept of adoption into your children's lives. Many people believe that is the better route for adopted children – the earlier the better.

The bdad's parents never lost their "status" in this OA - They still get to be Gma & Gpa. She may be jealous, I would be. She may feel that she gave birth to your daughter but - who is she really? – only an Aunt or something more? She has no tangible validation of the special role she plays in your daughter’s life... KWIM? It may not be validation for her selflessness that she is after- It may just be validation... Introducing the concept of adoption to your children now may have positive benefits for both your children and your sister. Hopefully it will make her feel more secure of her place in your DD's life.

I am so glad you found these forums. I know it's tough but you'll get lots of support here. (((hugs)))

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by BellaNuosci

I respectfully disagree that any "boundary" has been crossed. Your sister tattooed her own body, with a birthdate that belongs to her child which she also nurtured and grew within her own body.

I want to make myself clear. Her tatoo was not the boundary I was referring to. You are correct. She can tatoo her body with whatever she would like and having it done on her wrist in bold numbers IMO was a rebelling type of action.

The boundaries I am speaking of is:
Her coming over perhaps several times a week and keeping her biochild in the absence of the Amom. And her knowing info about who else visits this child. The child is now the child of the Aparents. I realize that to her it will always be "her" baby but she has no right to certain info and should not be allowed to "pop in" for visits. Perhaps the grandmother is feeding her info and needs to politely be told that certain info should be kept private. That was all I was saying. Just to keep the relationship from caving in and the Aparents would then have to severe ties temporarily or permanently and I don't think that is what anyone wants here.

Just wanting to be clear.
Kim

[mlb2008]

As far as her body goes, when she is a very active part of my childrens lives, something we've worked hard at creating a pleasant atmoshpere, I do think it is my business that she put my child's info in plain sight. I do realize she needs extensive counseling, I think we all do and together. Because I do want my children to have Aunt K in their life, she has really seemed to enjoy being Aunt K, but I need to not be naive and think she's fine whenever we're together. In the last 2 years we really supported her and have become very close, there is such a fine line though. Like when she is over I used to constantly worry about her seeing signs of bdad's parents (presents they bought, dates on calendar for trips and activities). I have since quit worrying because they are an important part of my kids lives. They are very peaceful and kind and have their best interest at heart. They also care for the well-being of my sister and have always made that known. So when I get snotty remarks, faces made, etc. about them when she knows we are so lucky to have them in our life, I calmly tell her they are good people.
I have never even thought of denying her seeing my daughter or limiting the contact, but alot of these replys have made me think we have had this too "open". I wish there were a manual for what to do, for what is best for everyone, but we have to think of what is best for our children. One of our biggest problems is communication, she is a VERY closed person emotionally. I get most info from my mom, which I realize is a horrible situation. So I think I really need to push for counseling for her and I together.
In several responses I have seen my daughter referred to as her child too (my sister). Am I ignorant to the world of adoption or birth mothers that I don't think of her as her child too? In this situation anyway, so much contact. I appreciate all points of view and everyones honesty. Thanks! I love being here!

[heyruthie]

I have a few thoughts, especially in response to some things you said that got me thinking:

Quote:
"She doesn't watch the babies (yes I know they're toddlers) anymore. But my mother does twice a week, so my sister usually tries to come over then."

This is a red flag to me! I can't help but think something isn't right about this pattern. It doesn't seem healthy, and it leads me to comment on this:

Quote:
"I have never even thought of denying her seeing my daughter or limiting the contact..."

Honestly, in ANY sibling relationship (even without an adoption in the mix) you often need to create boundaries. For instance, if you and your sister's relationship has problems, it wouldn't make send for her to just "pop in" any time, or "come over" when you are gone, but your Mom is over at your place.

I think you may need to take a step back, and try to look at your relationship with your sister *minus* the adoption. I think it will become clear really quickly that you've let the boundaries get really fuzzy, because of the adoption, but it's not good for anyone. Your poor sister is obviously struggling (hence the tatoo) and you've got to help her to get some distance.

I'm being really bold here, but I'd tell her (very gently) that she can't come over to your house without you there. If she wants to interact with your daughter, she has to do it in the context of your family. I think by visiting without you there, she's creating an alternate reality for herself: one in which you don't exist. So, she is probably growing a serious root of resentment towards you.

I wouldn't necessarily push for the counseling thing too hard. She may not be ready for it, and may just see it as one more thing that you're trying to make her do--and one more thing to rebel against. I'd try to get some space in the relationship. It may be just what she needs to start doing some thinking. If she approaches you in the future, then maybe you can suggest the counseling route.

Just my thoughts.....good luck.

[feelingreyt]

I have said it before and I will say again, relative adoptions seem to be the hardest ones. The boundaries get so blurred. I feel for your situation and hope that you can set some clear boundaries that will work for everyone.
Also, I don't think you are ignorant or anything else for viewing your dd as yours and not your sisters. It's normal, atleast that is how I feel anyway. I view my ason as mine, not his bmom's. She gave up her parental rights voluntarily, she did not want to be his mom. I am his mom, my husband is his dad. That being said, we are currently taking care of his biosister. She is not my baby, I am not her mom. I am her caregiver. I love her, I treat her as my own, but she is her mother's dd, even if her mom is at a place in her life where she can't take care of her, she is mom. It may sound strange to some, that I can look at 2 full bio siblings and see one as my own and the other as someone else's child. But that is reality. That is the way it is.
Good luck. I hope and pray everything works out for your family.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by heyruthie

Quote:
"She doesn't watch the babies (yes I know they're toddlers) anymore. But my mother does twice a week, so my sister usually tries to come over then."

This is a red flag to me! I can't help but think something isn't right about this pattern. It doesn't seem healthy, and it leads me to comment on this:

Quote:
"I have never even thought of denying her seeing my daughter or limiting the contact..."

Honestly, in ANY sibling relationship (even without an adoption in the mix) you often need to create boundaries. For instance, if you and your sister's relationship has problems, it wouldn't make send for her to just "pop in" any time, or "come over" when you are gone, but your Mom is over at your place.

I get the boundary of sister (bmom) should only be over when Mom (amom) is there. I really do. However, it could be that she's more comfortable when your Mom is there. Perhaps talking to her about that rather than laying down rules is a good place to start. Ex. "Why do you prefer to come over when Mom is here as opposed to when I'm here?" I know you said she's fairly closed emotionally, but I think you've had some great ideas in seeking counseling together.

Originally Posted by heyruthie

Your poor sister is obviously struggling (hence the tatoo) and you've got to help her to get some distance.

I'm NOT a tattoo person, never have been, can't really imagine getting one. BUT I would consider getting one to honor my daughter and her place, permanently, in my heart and on my mind. I know that's not because I'm struggling and need distance. I think that's an unfair assumption to make.

To the OP, In the original post I noticed that it said your brother is adopted (I believe) but that he doesn't know, is that correct? If I were your sister that would be a very scary thing for me...perhaps I missed it, but did you mention if you plan on telling your daughter that her Aunt is her birthmom?

I understand that it might be hard for you to the OP,see her referred to as your sisters child as well, but the fact is that your child has two Moms, a Mom Mom and a birthmom (who in this case is also the Aunt). Doesn't make you ANY LESS the Mom

[mlb2008]

We plan on telling our DD as soon as I learn when the best time is. There has never been a doubt about the fact she is adopted. But who the birthmom is seems, like it will be so confusing. I realize I need to start certain words in her vocab in the next 6mos. to a year (she'll be 3 in Aug.) but if we continue to have the same amt of contact I don't know if you wait to reveal the bmom or what the healthiest route is. If I had to guess I would say honesty as soon as possible would be the best thing for my DD.
I, also am not a tattoo person, but if I experienced what my sister did I think I would get one, maybe even the same thing. My issue was where she chose to place it. Given my sister's character it did seem like a rebellious thing to do.
That makes alot of sense about her being more comfortable around our mother. In the past certain things made me very uncomfortable and I think increased my insecurities as an amom. Ex. my sister used to live with my parents until 8 mos. ago When my kids would spend the night my DD would sleep in bmoms room (while my son slept downstairs by himself).It was an odd thing, for the longest time after my DD was born, if things weren't good with my sister, I didn't feel secure as an amom. It was like I had to make things okay for her. I have since quit trying to control everything. My mom tried to act like it was good for bmom (having private time, usually I think without my knowledge) I have a lot of respect for my mom but she has no room to talk. My brother (12yrs old) does not know he's adopted. My parents have been making excuses for years. Last summer he found a newborn picture with his bio-last name. And they managed to to get out of telling him again. We feel bad for our brother and our parents for not having the courage to tell him or willingness to research how to go about it now he's a pre-teen. I guess that's another forum entirely.