[jjsmom3]

Hi y'all! I hope I'm in the right place! I need some help.

Long story short! (hopefully) My husband and I adopted his grandchild. I am the step mom to the birth father. The adoption was very quick. It took less than 2 months total. My a son is 7 months old and I have been his mom for 5 months. He is a beautiful child and I love him very much.

The problem is the ex-wife and birth parents. I know they think that since we adopted him and we are "family" they have open access to him. My husband feels like they should be able to, but I don't. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? I want my son to know who his birthparents are, but I don't want the constant upheavel in his life. (or mine and the rest of my children) Now the bparents are moving back to our area and want to come spend the night and spend time with their child. I don't know if I can do that. What have other people done? The ex wife is another matter. She comes into my home, takes pictures and sends them to the bparents behind our backs. This upsets me. I feel like that responsibility is up to us. Am I being unreasonable? BTW~I have sent a lot of pictures to them. I am not cutting them out completely, I just think there needs to be boundaries.

I can post more, but I don't want to complicate this situation even more. Can anybody help me?

I hope I worded everything right. This is my 1st post.

[feelingreyt]

Relative adoptions are the most complicated, in my opinon. Sometimes the boundaries just get pushed too far.
The one comment that bugs me most in your post is that your step son wants to come spend time with his son. He is not his son anymore. That may sound harsh, but it's a fact. He and his family(especially his mom) need to realize that you and your husband are this child's parents and what you say goes. Be firm. I know it's hard. This child was his son, but now is his brother, it's very complicated and everyone is trying to see where they fit into the picture. The thing is, this baby was placed for adoption for a reason. You are his mom, you have to protect him and do what you feel is right by him. A good long sit down conversation is in order to get everyone on the same page. Boundaries, yes you need them, the sooner the better!

[MrsHoot]

I was adopted by my Grandparents and the worse thing about it was the constant fighting over me...I felt like it was always one side against the other, I was living in a "divorce" situation while at the same time being raised in a two parent home...it wasn't fun. My loyalties were always questioned; there was always a push and shove over where I'd be allowed to go for holidays, etc.

If only they had acted like one big family I probably would have been a much different, and happier, person.

Don't fight with them...this child has more than one Mother, please respect that. And please respect that the other Grandma (the ex) had as much "right" to snap photo's of her Grand-baby as anyone else...you adopting the child does not make it any less her grandchild.

Hope you find away to open your heart, mind and home to you new extended family.

C.

[Oceans]

First, Welcome! You will love it here.

I am a birthmother so that is my perspective. What I would suggest is that you read up on open adoptions. They really aren’t designed to make things easier on bparents (which is a common assumption). They are designed because it is in the best interest of the child. If you do some research, I think you will agree.

There is lots of information about OA on the web. Also, Brenda Romanchik posts regularly on these forums. She is considered an expert in the field of OA. I would private message her for some sources of reliable information.

OA is a challenge and probably more so in a relative situation but I believe (from reading these forums) that it can be very rewarding for all in involved.

Also, it’s important to remember that typically, the children don’t get confused about OA until the adults around them get confused. I am glad you are looking for suggestions now before it turns in to a tug of war.

Best of luck!

BTW: I am assuming the bparents are not dangerous people….

[DCMomLady]

Most of the grandparents raising grandchildren that I know find that boundaries are a necessity, and some have cut the birthparents completely out of the picture if addiction, crime or abuse are factors.

In my own case, we have limited contact with the birthmother (my niece) and none at all with the biodad -- for the above reasons.

We have welcomed our niece into our home only on family holidays, like Christmas. Otherwise, we meet in public places like parks or restaurants. We felt our home should be a place of peace and security for our daughter, not a battlefield where old grudges are fought again and again. Although, to be fair, our niece has never been anything but respectful of our adoption of her little girl. Our problem was her mother, my sister. Anyway, in public places everyone behaves a little better and there is a broader focus than just the interrelationships of a complicated family.

My niece and her mother are not allowed to have unsupervised visits with our daughter because they're basically immature and irresponsible women even at age 27 and 49. Generally, we just invite them to join us for a fun family outing -- once or twice they've said yes and actually showed up!

We have a friendly, mostly long-distance relationship with the biodad's parents and we've set no limits on their calls or visits, but we haven't had to. They're nice people and we welcome their participation in our daughter's life. I admit it would be a different situation if the grandmother was my husband's ex-wife, unless it was a very friendly and amicable divorce. In that situation, I'm sure I would want the visits to be away from home and supervised so the ex would be hesitant to badmouth my husband or me or fail to respect us as parents.

I would listen to my feelings because who knows better about what's best for my child.

[Hadley2]

I hate to disagree with an adoptee, and actually in a way I think I'm not, just interpreting both situations differently. I think that in the example she gave, it may well have been the problem that clear and strong boundaries were NOT set or respected that were at the root of the discord.

All relationships need boundaries. All familes need their homes to be a safe, private space to be a family. Unless you are unusually (for our society) close to extended family members, most people do not simply invade that space belonging to their relatives on any whim and most relatives would not appreciate it if they did. They also don't share their business indiscriminately.

If there is an attitude of entitlement underlying all this, that is probably part of what is bothering you--it bothers me, anyway, in our situation. It is probably doubly frustrating if hubby seems more inclined to "keep the peace" with stepson and ex than in seeing baby as a real person, not a cute object in his house.

I understand that feeling of invasion, of living in a glass bowl because we had to be "open" for over two years while the foster case ran its course. We had no privacy, the child had no privacy, and it was just very difficult all around even when it was long distance. Hubby was also sometimes too easily swayed to the idea of keeping peace in the moment rather than being clear for the long haul....

Likewise on the proxy side. Generally in our society, we are all also more protective of our children and generally people respect that it is not their place to broadcast our business or information about our children to others without permission. If the first parents were not related to you or the grandma, she would not be taking pix of grandchildren and sending them. She would not be trying to proxy in other ways for them--bringing gifts from them, etc.

We started having these problems recently. We are dealing with A&N and involuntary TPR, so those issues give us an extra leg to stand on when telling relatives what the boundaries need to be. But I think the need would be there regardless.

Both of us have had to step up and be clear that we and our children deserve our safety and privacy, we are now the parents and immediate family, and that the child's relationship with the first parents needs to be managed by us.

Openness can grow step by step as trust is built. That way, the joy and benefits of openness can be seen to be growing....if you start out wide open with no boundaries--which you would never do with any other relationship--the future can only bring discord as you try to dial back to a comfortable level.

I think as hard as it may be, you and your husband need to first agree between you what the boundaries need to be in practice and attitude then sit down with the first parents and be clear to them in as kind a way as possible. It is possible that their perception of what the situation would be (and yours) might have been different before the actual fact of the adoption, but things do naturally change when an imagined situation becomes real. You can also hold out that it will continue to be a changing landscape as the years go by but that right now you need a certain level of privacy and respect. That's how life is.

It is hard. It is the kind of thing that requires maintenance, not just saying something once and being done with it. Good luck and keep posting.

[jjsmom3]

Thank you everyone for your replies! This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and it is nice to know I am not alone!

I have so much guilt because I want to do what's right for everyone. But mainly for my new son! He is the most important person in this whole equation!

I know the ex-wife is his grandma, but there is a reason we have him and not her. She wanted us to have him because we are stable and she is not. I am not judging, but we have a home, that we own, and enough money to provide all he needs plus for our other 3 kids. She moves from house to house, man to man, etc...

The reason the pictures bother me is because they are taken in my home with my 4 yr old daughter in them also and then posted on Myspace. I feel like I should take them so I have control over what is posted on the web pages. I also don't want it to be a weekly occurance. I have sent pictures and will continue to do so, but I don't think they need to be sent all the time.

My husband and I were stolen from by the birth parents and will not allow them in our home anymore. They are not bad kids, and they are kids, but I won't have myself or children stolen from again. It does bother me that they think they can come here, spend the night, eat everything in sight and not even blink an eye at their son.

I have also put myself into counseling to help ME deal with all of the resentment that I have. I was not planning on another child. Our son had to be adopted by a blood relative because the mother is 1/128 Chactow Indian. We did not know that could be a factor when they went to the attorney. My sons other grandparents and not able by the state to become adoptive parents for other reasons, so it came to us or foster care. I could not do that! But we had a whole hour to decide! The bparents wanted out. I did what I thought was morally right and I am glad I did. I had a hysterectomy a year ago, my daughter was almost 4 and was about to start school. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 13 years and I am 31 years old. That is not the only reason I am in counseling, but it is a start. I am trying to better myself so I can deal with all of the issues that are thrown at me.

I appreciate all of y'all's suggestions. I will read up on OA and try and figure out what is the best way to go about everything.

[MrsHoot]

A far as mySpace goes with the pictures of your daughter...as far as I know...no pictures of children can be posted on a page unless it's your children or you have permission to use thier images...you could report her so that the offending pictures will be removed.

Wishing you and your family peace and harmony

[jjsmom3]

Well, we had a visit with J's bparents last night. It went ok, but I was uncomfortable. I know they were too, but the whole thing made me feel like what I am doing is not as important as them placing him with us. They moved away from us~especially me~and would not let him look at me. He cried for about 10 minutes then finally calmed down. I know it's hard for them to hear him cry, but it's hard on me too! I just wanted to hold him and calm him down, but didn't do it because I didn't want to interfere with their visit. The bmom asked if she could come stay a week with us and spend more time with him, but I said no. (for right now) I know she gave birth to him! I know she has a bond with him! But how come I am made to feel like my relationship with him is secondary?

I am not trying to be mean. I just really need some help to understand what my role is supposed to be. I want them to know him~and vice versa~but where do I fit in?

My heart hurts. I am so confused!

Please excuse my ramblings! J is 7 months old and was up all night!

HELP!

[DCMomLady]

If anyone (including my daughter's birthparents) tried to isolate my daughter from me, prevent me from providing comfort and reassurance, or even tried to leave the room to visit privately, I would object. What visitors want is not nearly as important as what the baby needs and right now your baby needs to know he can trust and depend on YOU for his comfort and his security.

I still think you might want to consider making your home his sanctuary, the safe place he comes back to after visiting the birthparents somewhere else. If the birthparents didn't come to the house, that might put an end to his sleepless nights.

[feelingreyt]

They were out of line treating your son that way. He is not an object, he is a baby with true feelings. He was probably scared of them. They are strangers to him. He should be able to see his mommy and know he is safe when he is scared!
I can understand them wanting to get to know him, but forcing themselves on him is not the way to do it.
I would not allow her to come for a week either. That is your home, it is your right to say no. Short visits are enough at this time, IMO. Also, they need to respect you and your position as his mom. That is who you are.... J's MOMMY!

[MamaS]

I adopted my daughter's child and I know some of what you are feeling. Your husband will not be as helpful, because he is in the position of "choosing" between his bio-son and his adopted (grand)son. As a "step" you are more clear-sighted about the problem.
You ADOPTED that child. YOU are his PARENTS. Not his babysitters, not his legal guardians, not his extended family -- YOU and your husband are his MOTHER and FATHER.
I would suggest at least for the first year -- schedule visit about 4 times a year AWAY from your home. At a public park, family restaurant, etc.
Tell all family members that there are to be NO Pictures posted on MYSPACE and contact the carrier and have all pics of your son and daughter removed.
You and your husband need to agree to boundaries that include the ex-wife, the son and the bio-mom. If they have stolen from you in the past, it is very reasonable not to give them another chance.
Also, it sounds like you could benefit from a support group. You are in a very stressful situation, and it would be good if you could "sound off" and get support from others who are not extended family.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Hadley2

I hate to disagree with an adoptee, and actually in a way I think I'm not, just interpreting both situations differently. I think that in the example she gave, it may well have been the problem that clear and strong boundaries were NOT set or respected that were at the root of the discord.

All relationships need boundaries. All familes need their homes to be a safe, private space to be a family. Unless you are unusually (for our society) close to extended family members, most people do not simply invade that space belonging to their relatives on any whim and most relatives would not appreciate it if they did. They also don't share their business indiscriminately.

If there is an attitude of entitlement underlying all this, that is probably part of what is bothering you--it bothers me, anyway, in our situation. It is probably doubly frustrating if hubby seems more inclined to "keep the peace" with stepson and ex than in seeing baby as a real person, not a cute object in his house.

I understand that feeling of invasion, of living in a glass bowl because we had to be "open" for over two years while the foster case ran its course. We had no privacy, the child had no privacy, and it was just very difficult all around even when it was long distance. Hubby was also sometimes too easily swayed to the idea of keeping peace in the moment rather than being clear for the long haul....

Likewise on the proxy side. Generally in our society, we are all also more protective of our children and generally people respect that it is not their place to broadcast our business or information about our children to others without permission. If the first parents were not related to you or the grandma, she would not be taking pix of grandchildren and sending them. She would not be trying to proxy in other ways for them--bringing gifts from them, etc.

We started having these problems recently. We are dealing with A&N and involuntary TPR, so those issues give us an extra leg to stand on when telling relatives what the boundaries need to be. But I think the need would be there regardless.

Both of us have had to step up and be clear that we and our children deserve our safety and privacy, we are now the parents and immediate family, and that the child's relationship with the first parents needs to be managed by us.

Openness can grow step by step as trust is built. That way, the joy and benefits of openness can be seen to be growing....if you start out wide open with no boundaries--which you would never do with any other relationship--the future can only bring discord as you try to dial back to a comfortable level.

I think as hard as it may be, you and your husband need to first agree between you what the boundaries need to be in practice and attitude then sit down with the first parents and be clear to them in as kind a way as possible. It is possible that their perception of what the situation would be (and yours) might have been different before the actual fact of the adoption, but things do naturally change when an imagined situation becomes real. You can also hold out that it will continue to be a changing landscape as the years go by but that right now you need a certain level of privacy and respect. That's how life is.

It is hard. It is the kind of thing that requires maintenance, not just saying something once and being done with it. Good luck and keep posting.

Hadley, How cna you just disgaree point blank with a person that has actually lived the experaince. Again its like those of us that are adopted are unable to speak because we are just wrong. She lived this experaince and really YOU should listen closely to all experiances without expounding your own opinion on something you have not lived. She was voicing what MAY have worked to make her feel better as the one that is in the middle of the push pull situation. I do agree boundries need to be made for the sake of this little boy. Not to relieve resentments of either birthfamily or adoptive parents.

To the OP, I am impressed with the fact that you love your son and are really looking out for his best interest and the interst of the rest of your family. I agree that if the bparents were stealing from you then they do need to be stopped. I think your job is to assure that this little boy doesn't get caught up in the push pull of the situation and that may mean you being the bigger person. AT some point he will know who his bparents are, as he should and will want to know more and more about them, he will want to know his grandmother(even if she's crazy...LOl) ..BUT it has to be done when its right FOR the child, he has to know he is secure and love no matter who is vying for him and some will be vying for him not because of him but because of their own needs. Being responsible for someones need to mom or gramma or whatever is a huge load for little shoulders and I think thats what mrs HOOT was trying to get accross.

[jjsmom3]

Thank you everybody for your responses! It helps me greatly!

I just want to do what is right. (Look at my thread title) I don't want to be one of those a moms that cuts everybody out, but I don't want to be ignored either.

I AM important! So is the b mom! We need to come to a solution so we can BOTH put J first!