[planning4adoption]

Hi I was just looking around online to try to get some insight into my current situation. My husband & I have been unable to get pregant for over 7 years. My brother and sister-in-law have offerred to have a baby for me and my husband. This first came about because they thought she was pregnant with #4 (they have 1 together and she has 2 from a previous relationship). They said they couldn't take on that responsibility and asked if we would want to adopt the baby. Turns out it was a false alarm, but they said they were so excited to be able to do this for us that they now wanted to plan a pregnancy so that we could adopt. This would be their biological child. I've had mixed emotions about this - first and foremost, overwhelming joy of actually thinking our dream of parenting really coming true, secondly though, I have been wondering if it's too weird of a situation. I mean, how is this child going to feel when he/she is old enough to understand that it's parents purposely conceived him/her to give away. I know they want to do something amazing like this to bring us the same joy they have with their 3 kids...and we want that too, but is a child, even when older, going to understand this or are they going to be confused/hurt/screwed up in the head, etc. that their aunt and uncle are really their mom and dad and that their cousins (as they would know them) are really their sisters? Anyway, I just wanted to know if anyone has had a similar situation or has insight on this subject. If there is any advice or feedback anyone can offer, I would appreciate it so much! Thanks a lot.

[planning4adoption]

I see lots of views, but no replies...any thoughts?

[JenC]

I considered this exact same situation about 4 years ago. The more I thought about them having a baby for us, the more icky I felt about it. Legally, it would be their baby until they signed TPR. There's no guarantee that they wouldn't want to keep their baby. I know that they say now that they would relinquish to you, but it can be a whole different story once baby is born. I think it would especially be hard with a close family relationship like that.

Would things get weird between you/DH and BIL/SIL? I would think things might get a little awkward.

It brings us some definite ethical issues, like you mentioned. If both couples want to seriously consider this, your first move should be a meeting with a lawyer.

[carlam]

Just a thought here. In my mind it's similiar to surrogacy with donated swimmers since they are not your husbands. They do have psychologists that specialise in surrogacy, perhaps they can help you more with the questions that may arise in the future and how to handle them and if your in-laws are able to really do this emotionally and psychologically. I would hate to say "go fot it" and later you want to hunt me like an animal, and I would hate to tell you to "forget it, too risky" and you wish that you should have later on. I would honestly find someone with experience in this area.

[ManyTimesBlessed]

I have a friend who did this exact thing. Her brother and his wife had a baby specifically to give to my friend and her husband. The little boy is about 4 now. My friend said that she and her brother NEVER talk about it. That it is just something that they did and now they behave as if the little boy is my friend's biological son. The brother asked that they never tell him that he was the father. So, I think they are going to be in a situation where the child never knows he is adopted . . . but we all know how that ends up when the child is 35 and is going through papers and figures it out. That has always worried me about my friend's son because it seems like he has a right to know - but how in the world do you explain something like that to a child?

I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with it, but I do think you need to spend a lot of time thinking about how it would work, what the child would be told, etc before you go forward. Carlam's suggestion of consulting a counselor is probably a good idea too.

I hope that things work out for you in some way so that you can become a mom. I know what it's like to so desperately want a child and not be able to have one.

[Bunnygirl]

I had a similiar situation a while ago. My cousin offered to have a baby for us via IUI w/my husband's sperm. I was really touched but I decided against it almost immediately. I think it would just come with too much emotional baggage for all involved.

[CoryEllen]

If it were me, I would take advantage of the "oven" being offered, but put a different "bun" in it. I would either use your husband's sperm & your egg (if available) or adopt another embryo. That way your SIL is being a surrogate for you, not "giving her own child away." It might be easier for her to do it that way, and you would have more legal rights with a surrogacy agreement.

I know it is hard to come to agreements on this type of thing. My sister offered to have a baby for us, I said "woohoo!" but my husband said "NO WAY!" So we continue the wait to adopt.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

[Ann07]

I needed to chime in here. I really think that you should look into IVF with your sisterinlaw. I agree with the above post. I think it would be a risky and akward situation if they had their own biological child for you. In the end you need to think of the relationship that you have with your brother and sister inlaw and how that could change if something went wrong......or how it would change if everyone went through with the original plan. Also think of extended family..........

Take advantage of counseling either way!

Wish you the best luck.

[EZ2Luv]

This is so similar to traditional surrogacy, yet it is not it is a planned adoption. I your SIL was to be inseminated with your husbands sperm it would be a full traditional surrogacy. I am going to PM you with some information that is just too personal to disclose on line in public. What I will say here is please make sure you are honest with this child. Many times adoptees have so many questions and when they are lied to it is the worst thing in the world. So, honesty is most important.

EZ

[planning4adoption]

Thanks everyone for all your helpful feedback on this! My husband and I both agree that the 4 of us have a lot of discussing to do prior to this actually happening. I think it would be best to be completely open about the whole thing with the child and I do want to get some professional counseling or something prior to this committment. We can't all counsel together though because my brother and his wife live in another state - (which may make it more complicated to adopt). I am going to call our adoption lawyer next week once we have all of our questions figured out. Thanks again all

[DCMomLady]

My daughter was born to my niece and her husband. It was not a voluntary relinquishment, but we are still close to my niece -- the (ex)husband was eager to just disappear. My daughter was 18 months when she came to us and has always known about the adoption and who her birthmother is because I told her the truth, at least as much as she can understand. At age 5, she seems to think that she was "hatched in J's tummy" so that we could all love her. She does not see J as a mother, but as a close relative who loves her very much.

So far, there haven't been any problems with my daughter or with J. There's room to hope that there never will be. Just in case, my daughter already has a therapist (her "feelings doctor" she calls her) who will be there through the years to help her deal with any memories or feelings that she finds to hard to share with me.

That said, if you're planning a pregnancy instead of dealing with one, I would agree with the others and suggest that a surrogacy arrangement might be easier on everyone's feelings of attachment.