[Jenngv]

I need some advice please. I posted a post in another web page and everyone keeps telling i am wrong. The story is i have two daughters one is bio. mine and my youngest is adopted.Me and my husband adopted my youngest from my sister in law(husband sister). My oldest does know her sister in adopted but she doesn't know who the birthmom is. Me and my husband and the birthmom talked before she had the baby and we all agree that we would not say who the birthmom is until she is old enough to understand. My qustion is should i say who it is now or should i wait until we feel like she is ready? She will know she is adopted but just not the birthmom.
I feel like i am getting attacked. I do not want to hurt either one of my girls. I want the best for my girls. Please help thanks!!!

[ocracoke]

It is obvious by your post that you are just trying to do what is right. The adoption world can be a tricky place to navigate. I think that you have done a wonderful thing about being open with your children that one is adopted. Make them proud of each of origins into your family. I would also argue that you should tell (age appropriate way) your child who the birth mother is. She will understand it differently at different ages but the earlier you tell her the less of a shock it will be. It will be less likely your daughter will question "what else haven't I been told?" She may assume everyone around her knew but she didn't. She may question every interaction she has had with bmom and you because of the lack of information about her bmom. Obviously you are the parent and you need to do what you feel is right but since you asked ... as an adoptee and as adoptive mom, my vote is that you tell her as soon as possible.

Samantha

[Jenngv]

Thank you for your advice

[feelingreyt]

Jenny,
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I, too, wonder when we should tell our ason who is bmom is. It's not a question of "if" we should tell him, but "when" we should tell him. My 2 older bio children know who is bmom is as well as his bio sisters, so we are thinking that sooner rather than later is best. My delilama is this...how young is too young? I only want whats best for my child.
This has probably not helped you, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. And to say that no one should attack you for being cautious and only wanting whats best for your child.
Good luck. Ya know, in a relative adoption everything is so different. The lines blur. It's very hard sometimes to know what to say or do. Again....Good luck!

[Barksum]

Totally understand! It's tough to know what, exactly, is the best thing to do sometimes.

With our kids we've told them each their story from the time we started talking to them. They each know how they came into our family, and they each know identifying info about their bio parents.

They do process this information in different ways at different developmental stages. Some struggle with the concept more than others, some don't talk about it as much, some bring it up frequently. We've made a practice of being open so that they can talk about adoption (or any other subject, for that matter) at any time.

The reason we chose to not wait until the kids were older is because I don't know how to determine when the 'right' time would be. There are always pros and cons for telling or not telling such important information. In my opinion the sooner a child incorporates this information into their understanding of who they are the easier it is to work through it at each developmental stage. If we waited there would be a big mystery about who their bio mom was, etc. The longer we didn't tell, the bigger the mystery and the speculation the child would develop about the bio parents.

We were discussing some adoption issues at a training seminar once and one of the key note speakers pointed out that many issues surrounding adoption are just not 'comfortable'. Adoptive parents have to be willing to step outside of their comfort zones in order to create stability and consistency for their children. No, it isn't comfy talking about my kids' bio parents who have drug addictions, or that they neglected our kids, or any of the 1,001 other things that brought about the need for our children to be adopted. (We have adopted both relative and non-relative children, and their stories vary widely.) It isn't comfortable explaining these things, no matter when, no matter how. We've just jumped in and done it, though, from the time they were toddlers so that they get little bite sized pieces to ponder and digest instead of this big chunk dropped out of the sky at some point. No big mysteries, just factual info in little brief conversations periodically throughout each week. Yes, the conversations can be every day, or we can go for days or even weeks without really talking about it. Then it pops up again.

You might read the book, Twenty Things Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge, published by Dell Publishing. Lots of good info and suggestions.

[bromanchik]

How old are your children?

[Jenngv]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

How old are your children?

My bio is 6yrs old and my A is 18mos.

[Barksum]

Broman, are you asking me? My oldest adopted child is 9, the youngest is 2.

[TrueBlueGT]

Barksum, thanks for the info on the book. I am going to pick it up. This is something that I also wonder on how to approach. K is 3 about to be 4 and he knows b-moms name. His b-dad is my 1/2 brother, but he does not know him. J went to prison when K was 3-4 months old and will be there until after he graduates high school. He is very mean and hateful and it will do no good for K to visit him. I do not know b-mom but she is on drugs, and was very neglectful. She has had 4 children, 1st taken by state and she volunteered to give up rights, K, then twin girls. All have different dads. K and the girls were taken away by the state. She volunteered to give up rights to the girls and they have been adopted. She was refusing to give up rights to K, but the state is starting termination process. Once that is complete, we are adopting.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Jenngv

My bio is 6yrs old and my A is 18mos.

I would start refering to the birthmom now. Use the word birthmom or first mom. If you have any pictures of the birthmom pregnant, show her she was in there.

[prettylady071]

I believe that should you follow your heart because when I was in foster care my older sister had been adopted by the family I was placed with and they didnt tell her she was adopted and when she did find out, she went crazy, so if you want to tell her, sit her down and go slow with her because she may have alot of questions and there may even be questions for your sister in law as well but you have to really take your time and be ready for some of the come backs that your daughter may have.
So follow your heart, it knows best. The information you have for your daughter is to help her not hinder, and I pray that she will accept what you have to share.

[MamaS]

I am fronm an older generation, and I don't totally agree with the "Tell all as soon as possible" approach.
You really had two questions:
1. Should we tell her she is adopted? Yes, start using the word immediately. Drop it in conversation. 'It was raining just like this the day you were adopted." etc. You don't have to go into detail about what adoption IS -- at 18 months she probably doesn't even know hr colors -- but let the word become familiar. Sooner or later she will ask "What's 'adopted'?" and then you can give her the definition.
2. Should we tell her WHO her bmother is?
I would say not right away, unless you have close family memberswho might feel it is their "duty" to
intefere in the way you are raising your child.
I also would not tell the older sister who the bmother is, unless you want her to shout out someday in anger "That's NOT your Mommy! That's MY Mommy!Your mommy is Aunt Jane!"
I would say the time to tell her is when she is old enough to ask.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by MamaS

2. Should we tell her WHO her bmother is?
I would say not right away, unless you have close family memberswho might feel it is their "duty" to
intefere in the way you are raising your child.
I would say the time to tell her is when she is old enough to ask.

Not discussing something openly often gives the impression that it is a secret, or something shameful. Not discussing it also decreases the chances that your child will ever feel it is OK to ask who her birthparents are. After all it is something you do not talk about, how do you think it will be a safe question for her to ask you? This is not an opinion I have come to lightly. This is based on the hundreds of conversations I have had over the years with adoptees. It might be an interesting thread on the adoptee board.

[doinit4me]

Hi Jenny
I tend to agree with the posts. As an adoptee, I was told as far back as I can remember, although my parents didn't have any information on my bpaent(s). I agree that you should start introducing your adaughter to the idea that she is adopted. I think that when she's ready, she'll start asking you questions about it.

I think it's wonderful that you took in this child but I fear that explaining too much to a 6yr old may be asking for trouble. At that age they tend to want to share things with people and when too many young minds don't understand what they are talking about, problems can arise.

At 18 months, I don't think she's ready to know everything. When she's ready though, be willing to keep that open dialogue. Talk to her about it and let her feel safe in asking questions.

I hope this helps.

[EZ2Luv]

I think your heart is in the right place , but I cannot tell you how important honesty is in a situation like this. I was adopted and my Amom's sister was my Bmom(now deseased). My Aparents had no problem telling me I was adopted and always made me feel so special and loved about it, however they never told me that my aunt was my Bmom. I think , like you their hearts were in the right place and the fact that Bmom did not want them to tell me that as time went on it became harder and harder for them to come clean and tell me the truth. As a result, at 48yrs old I was in a life threatening situation where medical information was needed and I had no way of knowing where to get it. Well after a very hard time with a search, I did manage to get what was needed but also with that came a boatload of pain, rejection(from Bsibs) and denial from other family members. Not to mention the hurt,shock and feelings of my life being a big joke that I had and feelibgs of violation that I will have to live with for the balance of my life. . Please do all you can to let you child know the truth(age appropriate of course). As a result of well meaning Aparents and a Bmom that refused to allow them to be honest, I now have to live with second guessing anything anyone tells me and not knowing who to trust anymore. I mean if I went through my life believing a lie by those who love me, what else have I believed to be true that is really not?
Please spare your child of these feelings, it is a horrible way to live and I am in counseling for it as a result. I never had a problem with adoption at all and always took pride in the fact that I have a loving family. What happened to me I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and all I can compare it to is living in the "Twighlight Zone".

EZ