[knicho30]

We are in the final stages of adopting our niece. She is only 22 months old and we've had her since she was 3 months old. Her bio parents are my BIL and his estranged girlfriend-- they are not my issue. My concern is... do we raise her telling her she's adopted from the beginning? Do we wait and worry that she'll not trust us? Her only full sibling is being adopted by another aunt/uncle within our family. We have a large family and run the HUGE risk that someone will "spill the beans" before we'd like them to. I don't ever want her to think we've lied to her but I am not sure how to go about this. She's still young, but at what point do you let them know? As a rule, I don't harbor bad feelings toward her bio parents (there are days... but overall I don't have ill will toward them) I fully intend to tell her that they loved her and just weren't able to care for her and her brother. Any suggestions? Do you tell them now or later? We have the added worry of her bio brother who will soon be labeled a cousin. I feel like they should know that they are brother/sister. I am leaning toward keeping it all out on the table, but how do I do that without her thinking her whole life that she was just given away? Just want to do the right thing. At what point do I stop refering to her as my niece and start calling her my daughter? She calls me mommy, but when people ask how we got this blue eyed, blonde haired baby (when all of our bio kids are dark hair/dark eyes) I automatically reply... she's our neice...we are adopting her.
Anyone else been in this situation?

[NJNative]

And tell the nosey people "It was magic!" As for telling her, you should start now, getting some toddler books on adoption and reading them to her. Showing pictures of when she first came home and saying, "Look, there you are when you first came to be our daughter." She won't get it now, but she will over time.

Congratulations on your new daughter!

Robin

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Agreed...100%...YOU are mom. Not only that, but PLEASE tell her now! My neice is 10 and still does not know that my brother is not her biological father. They said they never told her because he always loved her like she was his own, and then they did not think it was that important, and now they are scared she will find out and never trust them...duh! It really got ugly when my brother and sister-in-law divorced last year...but STILL they did not tell her.

[Calebsmom]

Yes, YOU are Mom. And while you may be "aunt" to her bio brother, she should know that he's her full bio brother even though in general conversation, they're legal cousins. Non-family members don't have to know. Does the bio. brother know that she's his bio. sister? If his adoptive family feels differently for him as to how they plan to tell or not tell him, then you may want to wait until she's old enough to be discrete. But she should be told, in my opinion.

Let her adoptive status be something that she gets used to through growing up knowing. There are some wonderful children's books which could introduce the subject. Make it a positive experience. Adoption is a blessing! :-)

Best of luck!
Calebsmom

[Leigh131313]

You are absolutely MOM.

My son is 3 and we've always discussed that he is adopted. We've never had a "sit down" we just incorporated it into our every day language. Like when we see a new baby, I'll say to him - You were that tiny when we adopted you!!! Little things like that just to make adoption a normal term in his vocabulary.

When we see his birthmom, I'll say to him - You grew in T's tummy and she's the one who chose us to be your parents!! Isn't that cool?? Mommy really loves T.


Just making their story "normal" really smooths things out. It also makes it easier on US. No worry, no surprises.....it's just out there.


And trust me...my son knows exactly who Mom is.


On a smilar note.....My mom placed her first born with my aunt and uncle who adopted her. So, she is my bio-half-sister....but she is my cousin and she FEELS like my cousin (tho we look alot alike) because that is the relationship that grew between us. Just like my mom is her Aunty and her Mom is her MOM....

My point is...Kids will figure it out. It's not the biological title that matters so much as the relationship that develops..kwim??

[EZ2Luv]

You ARE Mom. Please be honest. As an adoptee, I can tell you the worst thing about my adoption were the LIES. It didn't matter that I had a wonderful life, the lies ruined everything. When I found out the truth I felt so violated, like my whole life was a lie. Be as truthful as possible(age appropriate). I found myself with a ton of resentment and anger surrounding the dishonesty. Sadly, the major player in these lies is deseased so I am left to live a life feeling the joke was on me. So selfish and unfair to lie as I was lied to. Same type of situation, relative adoption.


EZ

[ocracoke]

Agree with all the others. You are mom. She thinks of you as mom, you act like mom, you are mom. And she wasn't just given away. She was taken lovingly into your arms and your family. Focus on that. Tell her the truth -- starting tonight. Make a bedtime story of it. Talk about how she came to your family. Talk about her brother. Make sure it is age appropriate. Make sure to focus on the positves at this point. Then over the years add based on age. If you are open and honest with her and allow her the freedom to talk about this she will let you know when she is ready for more information by asking you questions of verifying information with you.

My daughter is almost 3 and she knows she is adopted. She doesn't quite get it but since she is a different race then me it will never be a secret. And if people ask where her physical features come from I usually just say, "You don't think she looks like me??"

Samantha

[feelingreyt]

I agree you are MOM, now and forever!
We are also doing a relative adoption. We are adopting a cousin of on my husbands side. We have decided that we will always have the fact that he is adopted out in the open. Otherwise at every family function we would be so scared someone would spill the beans, so to speak. Not to mention the fact that I think it will be easier to deal with it that way than to have to have some big huge sit down about where he came from, ya know. He will know he was adopted and we are his parents and that his cousin J was his first mom. That God blessed us by allowing J to have him and giving her enough strength and wisdom and love for him to allow us to be his mommy and daddy. Cousin J loves him so much and she knew he needed a mommy and daddy that could take care of him. Atleast thats an idea of how it will be worded. He's only 10 weeks, so we have alot of time to prepare for the right words. I believe God will give us wisdom and direction to handle this.
You, too, will be able to handle the questions that are sure to come. But more than anything, know that you are mom, mommy, mama and all that entails. She needs a mommy, not an Aunt.

[loveajax]

knicho, i just wanted to echo what others have said. she is your daughter and she needs to feel comfortable that you fully embrace your role as mom (which I know you do).

i also think it is never too early to start talking about adoption in a positive way....

GOOD LUCK!!!!

[Juliana13]

You are Mom. Call yourself Mom. Call her your daughter, not your niece. Of course, tell her the truth, but age appropriately. Don't ever tell her she's not your real daughter. Tell her that she was adopted, and what that means, and tell her that her cousin (yes, he is her cousin) has the same birthparents as she does. As she gets older, she will make the connections, and as she understands biology better, you can elaborate that they are biological siblings, but calling him her brother right now would be confusing to her. She's never lived with him, does not consider him her brother. As she gets older and understands better, she will have a better understanding of her unique relationship with him. She needs to feel like your family is 100% HER family, that she belongs. Of course, honor her bio family - and make it positive, not something she needs to be insecure about, because it will be a big part of her.

When others comment on her different looks, you can tell them she's adopted (leaving out the "she's our niece" part - that will be confusing to her, and may make her feel like you don't consider her fully your daughter. She's not your niece anymore. She's your daughter.) Or, if they are strangers, and you don't reel the need to broadcast your adoption at every comment, you can just say, "We're just lucky! Isn't she beautiful?"

As for how soon you tell her, she may be old enough now to get some basics. My first got it at 2 1/2, having a baby brother show up, and having several pregnant friends really helped the understanding... But my now three year old has no clue. If you ask, he can tell you that he grew in J's tummy, not Moms, cuz Mom's is broken, and he'll tell you that J loves him. But that's about it. My oldest understood much more at that age. And starting now makes it easier - because you never have to "break the news" to them, it's just a part of who they are, and will be natural and positive to them, not some secret or something to have to brace themselves for. There are a few good books out there for children - some better than others - and some more geared to different types of adoption - but you could read a book and then say this little girl was adopted, just like you! Did you know you didn't grow in my tummy, either? You grew in ___'s - and we are so lucky to have you in our family!" or something like that.

In short, tell her now. And you can stop telling people she's your niece - she's your daughter.

[DCMomLady]

I agree with the previous posters. You are the mom and have been almost all of that little girl's life. You may be confusing her every time you call her your "niece" because she knows that all the other women who do what you do are called "mom" and their little girls are all named "daughter".

In the beginning, when my daughter was still preverbal, I talked very openly about the adoption so she would get used to the word -- and, so all the relatives would recognize that we had become the family unit and the bioparents were blessed history.

With my daughter, we just encouraged her to think about adoption in terms she could understand in relation to her favorite dolls and movies. Her cabbage patch doll has adoption papers and a birth certificate that proves who she is. And she can relate to Stuart Little and other movie characters who found their real family after being separated from their biological parents (whatever the reason).

My daughter has always been on a first-name basis with her biomom, even before CPS became involved and the shake-up happened to our family tree. Because she hadn't called my niece "mom", it was easy for my daughter to make up her own mind about it. She began calling me "mom" even before permanent custody was transferred to us -- she was still in the foster home, calling the foster mom "auntie".

When my preschooler learned where babies come from, she asked if she had grown in my tummy. I thought that was the perfect time to explain that she had grown in my niece's tummy right under her heart, and how excited we had all been about her arrival in our (extended) family.

I showed my daughter the photos of a very pregnant "J" and the pictures we took when she came home from the hospital. There are so many pictures that include me and my husband that it's been easy for my daughter to feel comfortable with the idea that she was born to some kind of "team".

At 5, I think my daughter is too young to want the real (awful) truth about the break-up of her original family. She's happy to feel like she was loved and shared by all her parents, even though she hasn't seen biodad since she was 1 or biomom since she left the state a year ago.

At least, she'll never be caught off-guard by anyone's surprise declaration that I'm not her "real" mother. She knows just how real I am! And when it comes time for people outside the family to learn that she was adopted, it will be her decision to make and her truth to tell.

Intra-family adoption is a tangled web, but it only gets messy when we choose deception over the truth.

And re: people who remark that she doesn't look like you or your biochildren -- I recommend you try very hard to ignore their ignorance and say something benign like, "Isn't it wonderful how unique each child can be?" I never tell outsiders that my daughter is adopted, despite the fact that I'm 50 years older than she is and some would say it's pretty obvious she can't be mine. I just say how blesssed we were to be surprised by parenthood at our age. The absolute truth. Only once has anyone been rude enough to push for details about my late-in-life pregnancy and I just told her that I never feel comfortable discussing my personal life with strangers.

I hope my experience offers something that can help you, knicho30.

Best of luck with your adoption,

DeeCee

[Okhmatov]

I have a friend who is adopted, and it never really occurred to me that she looks NOTHING like either of her parents. She is always the quickest to remind anyone that she is adopted, if they casually comment or question about anything that has to do with family history or genes - such as saying that she must get her black hair from an aunt or something because it for sure didn't come from her mother, or if they ask whether or not twins are in her mother's line (because she had twins). She always shrugs and says, "Well, we don't know, because I'm adopted." But it's such an easy, non-issue with her that it comes and goes as quickly as that. I've often been amazed at her comfort level and easy handling of those situations that could end up being quite uncomfortable given a different attitude, and I"m positive that she would not be able to rise above so easily if her parents hadn't treated her adoption as a blessing, and incorporated that understanding into her life from a very early age. I would suggest telling your daughter right NOW that she is adopted, tell her who her brother is, and call her your daughter and yourself her mother - it will give her a sense of belonging and help her to understand where she fits right now.

[knicho30]

Thank you so much to everyone for your wonderful responses. She has always called me mom and my husband, dad...where I struggled was signing documents and not knowing how to identify myself. You had so many good ideas for nosey people without manners Thanks! I love the idea of starting now with a made up bed time story about her coming to be with us. I have asked a couple people for book suggestions (age appropriate) to read to her at bedtime. Hopefully they will get back to me. If any of you have any suggestions, please let me know! As for her brother/ cousin... I will need to sit down with my SIL to make sure we are on the same page. Thank goodness my boys have always called her their sister, I think they are as bonded with her and her to them as if they were bio!

I am happy to report that we meet with our attorney in the morning to sign the papers to file for the adoption!! FINALLY! Thanks again. This board once again provides excellent support!

[alinev]

Tell her as soon as her maturity allows. A dear friend of my Dh's was the child in an almost identical situation. His birthmom blurted out the info when he was 16 and he was absolutely traumatized. Not because he was adopted, but because of the deception. Best of luck

[Barksum]

We have adopted our grand niece. We refer to her as our daughter and our other children are her siblings.

On documents I write that I am her mother. I am her legal mother, thus I am the mother. Before her adoption was final I would write mother and explain verbally if needed.

For all of my children who are adopted we began talking about adoption while they were very little. We adopted them as toddlers, so we began talking as soon as they came to us. We didn't wait until they could understand. (When is that, btw? And how much are you expecting them to understand?) Anyway, we began talking about how we were hoping to adopt, what our caseworkers said, how we finally go to meet them, etc.

We've done the same with our youngest Dd, aged 2. We talk about how we got the phone call, how her foster mom flew with her to our house, how we all played in the hotel, etc.

As my kids have gotten older they love to hear their very own story. They ask more questions and I give them more age appropriate information. They sometimes ask really tough questions, and I answer them with whatever information I have. Some want to talk more than others, each has different kinds of questions, and the questions change with developmental stages. They all know they are adopted, though, and that we love them.

The longer you don't talk about it, the more surprising, hurtful, and steeped in mystery it becomes when you finally DO talk about it. If it's routine and they've heard about it from the get-go they don't build up alot of speculation about why you didn't talk about it sooner, etc. Also be willing to talk about it often and in little conversations throughout their life.

Don't be surprised if at sometime your child is really sad about some aspect of their story, too. I had one who was really sad for several weeks; not all day, every day, but we talked about it off and on and he would be tearful and talk about how much he missed his real mom, things like that. (His real mom, in his mind, is his foster mom, who he doesn't remember living with. He never met his bio mom.) Anyway, we worked through that and he is back to talking in a chipper way about his adoption.