[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by knicho30

We are in the final stages of adopting our niece. She is only 22 months old and we've had her since she was 3 months old. Her bio parents are my BIL and his estranged girlfriend-- they are not my issue. My concern is... do we raise her telling her she's adopted from the beginning? Do we wait and worry that she'll not trust us? Her only full sibling is being adopted by another aunt/uncle within our family. We have a large family and run the HUGE risk that someone will "spill the beans" before we'd like them to. I don't ever want her to think we've lied to her but I am not sure how to go about this. She's still young, but at what point do you let them know? As a rule, I don't harbor bad feelings toward her bio parents (there are days... but overall I don't have ill will toward them) I fully intend to tell her that they loved her and just weren't able to care for her and her brother. Any suggestions? Do you tell them now or later? We have the added worry of her bio brother who will soon be labeled a cousin. I feel like they should know that they are brother/sister. I am leaning toward keeping it all out on the table, but how do I do that without her thinking her whole life that she was just given away? Just want to do the right thing. At what point do I stop refering to her as my niece and start calling her my daughter? She calls me mommy, but when people ask how we got this blue eyed, blonde haired baby (when all of our bio kids are dark hair/dark eyes) I automatically reply... she's our neice...we are adopting her.
Anyone else been in this situation?

With an in-family adoption it is best she knows everything, age approprate, if you don't tell her, someone else will.

You are going to be her mommy legally and you already answer to mommy. For people who may need to know you can tell them the details, for strangers, new people, just say they blonde hair and blue eyes run in the family, it is true in a way. If the new people become friends you can tell them the whole story if you want.

What you don't want her to think is adoption should be a secret or something to be ashamed of, the fine line here, nor do you want her to have to think of it constantly. When other people ask.

The one thing many adoptees will tell you, is the always knew, it just was. They can't remember not knowing.

That is the best way, no surprises, no lies, no secrets.

good luck enjoy

[lilraskels]

My husband and I have adopted his cousins. We got them when they were 3 years and the other one at 7 years. We have had them now for almost 10 years and we are mom and dad. The 7 year old knows she has another mother out there but. Just play it by ear you will know what to do when the time is right.

[knicho30]

Everyone's ideas have been wonderful!! We finalized my daughters adoption on Saturday which was National Adoption Day. They did provide us with a story book called Welcome Home Forever Child. It is cute, but really doesn't fit our situation. It discusses how the adoptive family wasn't there for first words, steps, etc... but we were. So, I was wondering if anyone had any other suggestions for stories that explained or discussed adoption? We've had her since she was an infant. On a side note... I have to say how relieved and much more relaxed I've been since the adoption!! It was like the weight of the past two years just fell away. It is a wonderful feeling and she really does feel like my daughter. I think I just needed that slip of paper to feel secure that she wasn't going to leave us. Thanks again for the support!!

[ericamhc]

I'm glad to have found this thread. We are considering this as we adopt my nephew. I think we should refer to ourselves as Mommy and Daddy especially since we already have a 10 month old baby and don't want to confuse the boys, although we will use a different title for the biological father (my brother) since we want it open and honest, and we're sure someone will mention it at family Christmases, etc. It's something I have to talk to my brother (biological father of the boy) about still.

[chrisandaaron]

Sounds similar to my family. My parents adopted my bro/sister (my bio cousins) when they were 1 & 3. Things were always out in the open and they also had 2 other sibs that lived with other family members. Mostly we just told people that they were our bro/sis but sometimes it did get confusing (only for other people) since they called their bio bro/sis their brother and sister too (and they didnt' live with us). But that only happened a few times in 17 years! They've always called my mom "mom" except when my sister is mad and then she calls her "S." But, I've never heard her call her "aunt S."

Congrats on your adoption!

[tmpendell68]

knicho , I think the little poem I once read would work well for you and your daughter. I think that it helps a young child with questions and you want to give them little inforation at a time as they ask for it other wise it may be overwhelming. here is the poem Not flesh of my flesh,
nor bone of my bone,
but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
you didn`t grow under my heart,
but in it. I wish you all the best and know always you have done a great thing , making this beautiful child as you DAUGHTER

[MamaS]

I raised my grandson from 18 months and officially adopted him at 4 years. He is now 5 years old. He knows who his Mommy and Daddy are and sees them regularly. (Several times a week.) However, lately he has started calling his mother by her given name and calling me "Mom"! I have not corrected this, because legally I am "Mom" but I was comfortable with him continuing to call me "Nana". Apparently when he went to school and all the other kids had moms who picked them up every day he started telling them that I was his mom. Just tell her the truth. At her age, you will be Mom and Dad because that is what you are, legally and physically.

[Lynard1210]

Knicho30,

By now, you've figured out your are mom in your daughter's eyes and really that is all that matters . . .what strangers think . . .who cares. However, i understand your need to explain because i have felt compelled to do the same thing to coworkers and the like. And after I explain, I get a whole wierd range of responses depending on that person's take on adoption (pity, surprise, congratulations, confusion). And then it leaves me feeling less than, somehow. And I also recognize that it's nobody else's business that my daughter is adopted but i'm so big into openness about adoption, the lines get fuzzy. So my new rule of thumb is to not say anything to anyone else that I haven't already told.

One of the biggest barriers i had to overcome in our relative adoption was the sense of entitlement of feeling like my dd's mom. It comes with time but you have to embrace the title of mom and know that you are really and truly her mom in every meaning of the word. Part of that is letting go of any guilt that you may have that her bmom cannot parent (I'm working on that issue myself). While dh is too young to really understand the word adoption, you can say the word and she will start repeating it. Books are a great idea. I act out the birth story with dolls and my daughter thinks it is fun. My daughter is 3 and finally started saying "adoption" when she realized her favorite book was a movie that she got for Christmas and (unbenknownst to me the main charater, Penny gets adopted in the movie). The movie is The Rescuers. How ironic is that . . . her favorite book has an adoptee in it!

[MBHK1227]

Originally Posted by knicho30

We are in the final stages of adopting our niece. She is only 22 months old and we've had her since she was 3 months old. Her bio parents are my BIL and his estranged girlfriend-- they are not my issue. My concern is... do we raise her telling her she's adopted from the beginning? Do we wait and worry that she'll not trust us? Her only full sibling is being adopted by another aunt/uncle within our family. We have a large family and run the HUGE risk that someone will "spill the beans" before we'd like them to. I don't ever want her to think we've lied to her but I am not sure how to go about this. She's still young, but at what point do you let them know? As a rule, I don't harbor bad feelings toward her bio parents (there are days... but overall I don't have ill will toward them) I fully intend to tell her that they loved her and just weren't able to care for her and her brother. Any suggestions? Do you tell them now or later? We have the added worry of her bio brother who will soon be labeled a cousin. I feel like they should know that they are brother/sister. I am leaning toward keeping it all out on the table, but how do I do that without her thinking her whole life that she was just given away? Just want to do the right thing. At what point do I stop refering to her as my niece and start calling her my daughter? She calls me mommy, but when people ask how we got this blue eyed, blonde haired baby (when all of our bio kids are dark hair/dark eyes) I automatically reply... she's our neice...we are adopting her.
Anyone else been in this situation?

My Husband and I adopted my step Daughters child his daughters child. He was 2 weeks old when we got him and I struggled with the same issue that you have. But I decided that I would always let him know that he was adopted. My husband has a large family and we let it be know by everyone that even though the daughter had given birth to our son we adopted him and we were his mother and father. We did this by phone conversations by email and by word of mouth at first there was some tention but now it is just like I gave birth to him. He is now six and he has always known he was adopted and just a couple of months ago he started asking who's belly he came out of and after him asking a couple of time we sat him down and told him. He seemed okay with it and a couple of days later when I put him to bed he said mommy, I didn't come out of you belly but I am glad you are my mommy I love you. I think that as long as they know they are loved that they don't care where they came from. But I strongly suggest that you just be upfront. I hope this helps.

[LoViN_LiFe]

Im in almost the EXACT situation only my lil girl is almost 18months old. Her bio-parents rights were involuntarily TPR by CPS and we have had her since she was 3 months old. Her bio-parents are my nephew and his gf. She does NOT know bioparents and has called me mom since about 6months. We will finalize soon but I have been signing all paperowork and everything as mom...and yes explaining as needed too. The thing is it does not matter to me who gave birth to her...just like it wont matter to her....she knows Im her mommy. We have decided that she will know that she is adopted...and we have started by showing her her babybook that I made which says she is adopted. But we will wait awhile before she knows the whole truth. (as in CPS involvement who were bio-parents are)! It was a VERY tough case including alot of abuse and neglect and we dont want her knowing any of that at too young of an age. I would definately stop telling people that she is your neice, it could start confusing er. I think things will come in time! Good Luck!

[ReMom]

OMG Yes...
I felt so guilty when I started referring to myself as "mommy" of my biological grand daughter. I felt as though I was betraying my daughter...even though she gave her baby up.
My baby is 22 months now. I plan on always just telling the truth. Answer questions simply when they come up... and tell her the truth, so that she doens't hear it from someone else, and there is no dramatic "dropping the bombshell".

As far as what others think... it is none of thier business. I know that is easier said than done. When I tell how I have a 22 and 24 year old...and a 22 month old...I always feel like I have to explain. But I don't....

Good Luck.... and God Bless you for saving that childs life!!

[jessnboys]

When my son was younger, we really liked the book "a mother for Choco" and Jamie Lee Curtis "tell me again about the night I was born". They focus on the positive side of adoption. My boys are so close in age (5 months apart) that keeping it quiet was never an option. At 8 years old, they enjoy keeping strangers on their toes if asked. The lastest thing they tell people is they are "almost twins" and walk off. Once they had a lady at a store who was being really rude about the adoption so my oldest looked her in the eye and told he "I'm homegrown and he's store bought" I just about died and later explained that wasn't the best way to handle it. I have to admit privately that it was really funny to see her walk off in a huff.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by jessnboys

When my son was younger, we really liked the book "a mother for Choco" and Jamie Lee Curtis "tell me again about the night I was born". They focus on the positive side of adoption. My boys are so close in age (5 months apart) that keeping it quiet was never an option. At 8 years old, they enjoy keeping strangers on their toes if asked. The lastest thing they tell people is they are "almost twins" and walk off. Once they had a lady at a store who was being really rude about the adoption so my oldest looked her in the eye and told he "I'm homegrown and he's store bought" I just about died and later explained that wasn't the best way to handle it. I have to admit privately that it was really funny to see her walk off in a huff.

That is cute, you boy did the write thing, great kids

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by LoViN_LiFe

Im in almost the EXACT situation only my lil girl is almost 18months old. Her bio-parents rights were involuntarily TPR by CPS and we have had her since she was 3 months old. Her bio-parents are my nephew and his gf. She does NOT know bioparents and has called me mom since about 6months. We will finalize soon but I have been signing all paperowork and everything as mom...and yes explaining as needed too. The thing is it does not matter to me who gave birth to her...just like it wont matter to her....she knows Im her mommy. We have decided that she will know that she is adopted...and we have started by showing her her babybook that I made which says she is adopted. But we will wait awhile before she knows the whole truth. (as in CPS involvement who were bio-parents are)! It was a VERY tough case including alot of abuse and neglect and we dont want her knowing any of that at too young of an age. I would definately stop telling people that she is your neice, it could start confusing er. I think things will come in time! Good Luck!

Yes you are mom and always will be.

But don't assume it won't matter to her, that is setting yourself and her up for possible hurt one day.

What matters most is that she is loved and you are giving her that. But please allow that she may on her own one day want to meet them.

If that day comes and they have mended their ways, she will not see the young people who were her parents and she was taken away from. she will see people who got well and could be living a better life.

Hugs and congrats on a happy life and child.

[jessnboys]

They are great kids, usually They are very aware of who they are and have a lot of confidence. I find myself looking at them and wondering where it came from somedays. I hope they always have the security of knowing who they are.