[Okhmatov]

My wonderful husband and I have been married 6 1/2 yrs, have two beautiful boys, 4 and 2. Although we've had some serious maturing and growing experiences, we have a very solid marriage and a very happy homelife. When we began dating and we knew we were serious, he immediately told me of his father in Moscow, Russia, who was then nearly 70 years old, who had married for the fourth time and then had three children (boy - 5, girls 3 1/2 and 1) with his wife, who was half his age. My husband told me that the children were terribly neglected physically, medically, emotionally, etc. This neglect resulted in physical problems in the children, such as delayed growth because of malnutrition, chronic health problems and weakened immune systems, seriously damaged eyesight, etc. (We only discovered some of this during the past year). His father has some serious issues and was harsh with the children (who were 6 yrs and under) and their mother usually refused to care for them to any significant degree. Ever since we've been married, we've been burdened for his half-siblings, and we have been trying to send money for the kids' food, clothing, and any special needs that we repeatedly ask be brought to our attention. Often we have discovered that the money or careboxes we sent didn't even reach the children. We have also spoken often of adopting the kids ourselves. Their parents have occasionally seemed very open and receptive to the idea, as they have enough money to care for the children, but live in abject poverty on a pitance of only about $100/month, and their father refuses them decent food and clothings... The latest addition to the family was a little girl who is now 3 yrs old - right between my own two little boys, born when her father was 72 yrs old.

To make a long story short, we discovered as late as this summer that the father (75 yrs old) has been sexually abusing the girls for upwards of three years. It's a sure thing for the oldest girl (now 11) that she's been severely abused for several years, but the 8 year old is more recent - maybe only 1 1/2 yrs., and the degree of abuse for the youngest girl is still undetermined. As soon as our family members, who live close by, realized that the girls were being abused, they collected evidence and got the girls on hidden video describing the abuse, etc. They also confronted the girls' mother, and told her that the girls were being abused by their father. She did a physical (visual) check on them and saw that they were indeed sexually active. Soon after (although we're not sure if it was cause-effect) she tried to move the girls to Kazakstan. The girls were safe for a couple of months, but then their mother brought them back to the same household, all the while claiming that the abuse was non-existant.

In the meantime, we've been trying to figure out the best course of action. We do not want the girls removed from the home and sent to an orphanage, nor do we want them to be solely with their own mother, who so far has shown that her own survival in dire circumstances has repeatedly taken precedence over the safety and health of her own children. We also do not want to endanger the girls or enrage the father by making him feel like a cornered animal before he is taken into custody. The family has become deathly afraid of the father - to the point of not wanting to turn him in, and being on the verge of turning a blind eye to the abuse. They believe as 100% fact that if they turn him into the police, the lives of the girls and the rest of the family would be in danger - especially my own mother-in-law (his first ex-wife), who is the one that discovered and documented the abuse in the first place. When she discovered the abuse and told him that she knew about it, he attacked her with an axe, so her fears are very substantiated. In the meantime, the girls continue to live in that hellish household where they are told that they are required to service their father in order to get even day-to-day sustenance.

The more we know, the more we're appalled and horrified that we truly didn't know what was going on in that household. We have contacted an adoption lawyer who works in Russia, laid out the whole scenario, and asked what the best course of action would be. She suggested we attempt to get custody of the girls and adopt them directly from the parents, rather than send them through the court system, as it is even questionable whether or not the mother's rights would be terminated at all. We spent time with the girls as recently as Christmas (it's not easy to do, with the ocean in between) and we were very impressed them - they touched our hearts. We want so much to provide for them not only a good home, but also the only real hope that they would have of healing and hope for a decent future. I come from a very close-knit, supportive, international family that includes several adoptive and foster children. So at least we have support on this side of hte ocean.

So now we have written to the mother and offered to take the girls into our home. It is a question whether or not she will be willing to part with them, for several reasons. We will soon call the father and ask him as well. It is more likely that he will be ready to let them go, as he is already talking of sending them to a boarding school so their obvious sexual experience can be blamed on anyone. (Of course, he does not know how much conclusive evidence we have of his abuse of them).

I guess I'm writing on this forum becuase it offers the first real community and definitive information that I can find on kinship/relative adoption - and I've been all over the internet for weeks.

I wanted to know if anyone had experience adopting a relative internationally, and I'm also looking for information on bringing older adopted children into the family and the kinds of changes/considerations that I need to keep in mind as we anticipate their eventual arrival. Of course, it's still inconclusive that they will come into our family, but I can't help but believe that it will be a reality before too long.

Thank you for any response.
Carmen O.