[2manyks]

my childrens bfather, my brother is out of jail. he lives with my parents next door. he wants to see the kids, my kids now, every day. he asks for hugs and kisses and they feel ackward. i have talked with them and let them know i love them and i will support them in whatever level of contact they are willing to have. they have decided they arent really interested in much contact. he made his life decisions long ago and that forced him to not be able to parent his children. now it is too late.

i am stuck in the middle. trying not to make waves. having sympathy for him and his loss. but in the end i am the mother and i have to do what is best for MY family.

wow - this relative adoption stuff is SOOOOOOO hard!!!!!!!!

[DCMomLady]

Hi, 2many. I just wanted to tell you that I'm listening and have great sympathy for your situation.

I don't have your problem yet because my daughter is just 5 and her biomom/my niece is still "away" doing her two years for child abuse. Biograndma (my sister, the original bio in our tragic case) has been around and I can see that my daughter doesn't like her much. I try very hard not to let my opinion of either biomom or grandma influence my daughter's view of her relatives; but she's a smart little girl and she isn't fooled by my sister's smarmy charm. She may even have memories of her grandmother's role in the dissolution of her birthfamily, although I hope not since she's been with me since she was 18 months old.

I do expect that I will soon hear my daughter say that she'd rather not spend any time with her "grandmother" -- and it won't be hard for me to back to her up because I've only been keeping that door open so my daughter will know them and decide for herself that she's a very lucky girl to be as far from them as possible.

Of course, fortunately for me, my sister doesn't live next door and isn't trying very hard to have contact. The only time she called this year was a week late for my daughter's 5th birthday.

Your kids know how lucky they are to be with you and they're probably not taken in by your brother's attentions at this late date. They may even need to put a little distance between themselves and your brother and you might have to give them permission to do it if that's what they want.

Anyway, I wish you luck. I know I'll be walking in your footsteps one of these days.

DC

P.S. I just came back to apologize for my derogatory use of the word "bio". I'm having a hard day. It's the 10 year anniversary of my own mother's death and I'm just feeling left alone to deal with all this. I know better and I am sorry that I used that word.

[Lynard1210]

2many,

Relative adoption is harder than I ever really imagined it was when a social worker forwarned us. I have to say, though, that the benefits definitely outweigh the hardships. My first thought when I read your post was . . .. MOVE!!!!

I know that is the obvious solution, but by living next door, your brother believes he has permission to be in touch daily. And if you tell him to lighten up, he may start "spying". I couldn't deal with that!

I guess it really depends on what the kids are comfortable with. Good luck!

[2manyks]

moving isnt even an option. its hard to explain why. we have lived in this community - on this street - for 17 years. putting that aside - we built this, our dream home, 7 years ago. it sits on 14 acres and is heaven. except when my parents moved in next store. actually i loved having gma and gpa so close until my brothers life continued to fall apart and into my lap. we couldnt sell the house if we wanted to. no one could afford to buy it - unless we took a huge loss, and im talking more money would be lost then you could ever imagine. and then where would we go? there are not alot of houses around here that could house us - we have 12 children. it is just not feesible. i actually am thinking of buying my parents house from them. they are starting to want something smaller as soon as my dad retires. a nice retirement community would be nice - in some lovely place with even weather. my oldest daughter will be getting married next summer and she could live there. too much of a house for newly weds, but it could work out.

actually we have been blessed beyond what i could have ever wanted. my brother, other then his initial desires has backed off immensily. he found a full time job and that helps a ton. seeing their bdad has helped the kids to come to grips with reality. for 3 years my DD has had this made up visiion about how great *dad* is and how great things are going to be *when he gets out*. now she has seen that he is not so great - that actually he's a real dud. both the kids are young, but they can even sense he is a loser. my DS wants very little to do with him and even aviods interaction with him.

so things are not as bad as i thought they would be. other then the emotional toll it has taken on us all. i feel really bad for the little kiddos who have to have these hard lessons at such a young age. as for my brother, i have sympathy for him, but he is the one who made the stupid choices that caused him to not be able to parent his children. so my sympathy runs very shallow for him.

i have a friend who suggested i talk to my brother and tell him about all the hard stuff we've had to go through in his absence. and tell him that is why i will be a grouchy jerk to him sometimes. because sometime things are still hard. especially dealing with my daughter, which used to be his daughter. she has RAD and PTSD. which i feel like he and his wife caused. it just seems like alot of work and emotionally will drain me and i cant seem to muster up that much energy right now. maybe im still a little depressed. you know how it is after you go through a really hard emotional time and then just flop afterward. that is where i am right now. luckily i can see light at the end of the tunnel. the kids are doing awesome right now and that gives me huge encouragement.

[lilraskels]

I agree. It is hard. Have you let the brother know how you feel? This could cause confusion to the children depending on how much they had a bond with him earlier. It is hard to draw the lines when you raise families children. We do have to consider the children first though. Good luck