[Elsa Marie]

My husband, his ex and their daughter will be telling their son when he turns 21 that he is adopted and that his birth mother is his sister. His ex's and daughter's original plan was to have the daughter tell him while he was living with her (just after he graduated from high school). He has a close relationship with her. His adoptive mother/grandmother didn't want to be the one to tell him. She was already concerned that he would hate her. My husband was willing to do whatever his ex and daughter wanted because he felt they were closest to their son. Unfortunately the daughter didn't tell him and no one knows if it was because she wasn't ready or if his ex and daughter decided they couldn't tell him.

Just briefly, my husband's divorce was contenious (I met him after the divorce so I wasn't an issue). His ex was extremely upset and as a result did to him, what she had done to her first husband and father of her two older children. In both instances, the husbands petitioned for the divorce. There is no doubt that she loves her children because she does; however, the objection I have is that she would denigrate their father in front of them and when he was behind in child support, she threatened him with jail unless he terminated his rights so that her new husband (my husband) could adopt them. They were 12 and 14 when he did. Although the father did terminate his rights, she still keep him in their lives by telling my husband that he was their father. As long as the children's natural father provided money for extras, he was involved, when he didn't she would cut him off. It hurt my husband because he thought they were now his children since he adopted them and was raising them. When their daughter was 16, she became pregnant and after 1 year allowed her parents to adopt her son. The problem is that relatives know that he is adopted, unfortunately he is the only one that doesn't know. (I realized that I digressed from the topic but I thought it was important to tell the story.)

I don't know if I have read here what happens to the family dynamics once a child is older in an inter-family adoption. Does the child view the birth parent as another parent or do they continue the adoption relationship? Do children feel comfortable in telling their friends about their family dynamics? What about the adopive parents? Do they remain the parents or are they considered, such as in the instance of my husband, the grandfather?

Thank you for any help you can give,

[kakuehl]

I wish I had an answer for you. I suspect that, as always, there's no one right answer. There's no question that finding out that he's adopted and that his sister is his birth mom will change the dynamics. Legally of course, your husband is his father; that doesn't change. Does he have any relationship with his son now? Your step-son may well feel betrayed by the whole family and not know who to trust. The son will have to find his own path and answers; your husband can continue to to let him know he loves him and is there for him. Good luck!

[Elsa Marie]

Unfortunately their relationship is strained. I know my husband loves his son and I believe that his son loves him but he is closer to his mother and sister/bio mother. His son will only call him if he needs something and he never comes to visit. When my husband visits or calls him, somehow everything revolves around his son wanting more money or a new car. I believe that my husband fears that once his son finds out the truth, he will search for his bio father in hopes that this person will give him what he wants. In essence my husband believes that his son will do to him what his other son and daughter did, build a relationship with their bio father (who terminated his rights in order to get out of paying child support, but came in and out of their lives during the time that my husband raised them.). These are adult children (in their mid and late 30's) who are angry that my husband divorced their mother and have chosen to spend more time with their bio father (whom interestingly enough their mother hates) because he gives them money. I guess their father probably regrets terminating his rights. But that is what my husband fears.

He knows that his son will not be happy to find out that he was adopted and that everyone knew (I'm sure he will likely start asking relatives once he finds out). He is prepared for that, but he isn't prepared to lose him to another man, especially as he was the one who raised him when he was married to his mother and who continued to provide for him when they divorced.

As mentioned, I don't recall seeing another on this board about what happens once children are older.

Thank you for your response.

[TxMom65]

How sad for all involved. I really can offer no advice, other than for your husband to continue to love his son and work on building a relationship with him. Sometimes the excuse of wanting something is a reason to call. Tell him to never give up on being close to him. I would let the family dynamics stop any of that.

[Lynard1210]

Elsa, I really don't think there is a cookie cutter answer to what happens when children are older. I think what happens is a result of a child's personality, the support or non-support of the family, discipline, life experience, etc. - just like a non-adoptee. My friend, who is divorced, has 4 bio kids. Only two of them really have a relationship with her. There are sibling rivalries . . . .their dad has remarried several times and each new stepmom was "mom". I use my friend as an example, becasue anything can happen in parenthood.

However, my biggest concern about your post is that the adoptee was never told. This is going to most likely result in extreme anger on the part of the adoptee once he is told. Being lied to is no picnic and the people who kept the lie in place are the people who are going to get the brunt of the anger. It's sad that the father was so fearful of losing his son, that he made choices that would actually push his son in that direction . . by keeping the adoption a secret.