[EllieMae]

Hi,
My husbands sister has 2 small children, she is going to court with her ex-bf over custody, their last court date, he mentioned giving up his rights. She made the comment of having my husband and I adopt them or her parents. Now 2 days ago, she asked if we would adopt the older one, because she couldn't afford/handle both of them, and since the father wants to sign off, she would have her lawyer write up some papers for their next court date, which is this Friday. My husband and I are his godparents, and would love to take him into our family. I just am not sure what to do, and how this will effect the family. We have 2 teenage children, and they are fine with it, but I am not sure how outside family members will be....and the bmom down the road. Especially since she is keeping one. Also when the little boy grows up, and wants to know why she kept one and not the other. IMO she doesn't want to be a mom, she is young, and leaves both boys with their grandma (MIL)....and grandma is not able to care for both full-time. My MIL told me she was afraid both boys would be taken away from her (the daughter) and how her daughter never spends time with the boys. Any thoughts, or if anyone has gone through anything similar.

[Hadley2]

No advice but lots of thoughts and questions that might help you think it through.

The mother's approach seems awfully casual. Is it possible she is just looking to "park" him somewhere and still expects to be able to drop in to be mommy now and then?

Are you willing to take both? Are you willing to have a long-term open relationship with the mother? Facilitate the sibling relationship despite issues with the mother? Are you willing to cut the mother or other family members out of your life if they do not accept you as the parents or disrupt your parenting of the child/ren?

Do the kids have issues that you know of or the likelihood for certain issues--drug exposure, fetal alcohol, etc.? Has either any red flag behaviors--fire play, hurting animals or other children when not angry, etc.? Are they on Medicaid (state healthcare) now? Are they eligible? Would you be able to maintain their eligibility in addition to putting them on your insurance?

Are you sure the bf is the father of both?

Are you interested in having a long-term open relationship with the bf and/or his family?

How old are you? Have you looked after little ones lately? I'm asking 'cause I'm an "old" mother, and they do NOT keep me young! They age me greatly! No kidding, it ain't so easy....

How much will the process of adopting one or both of the kids disrupt your household? Will you have to quit work or cut back? Will it affect your older children's post-high school plans?

That's probably a good start. All wise decision-making rational thinking aside, however, do you want to give these children a home in their family? Are you willing to do just do it and not look back? Will you keep their trust and really parent them and protect them?

Been there, done this. It is not easy. For ourselves, it felt like the right thing to do, we just closed our eyes, crossed our fingers, and did it. There are moments of great joy, moments of deep regret, but mostly an abiding sense that this is right.

Good luck with this, I hope things work out well for these children.

[EllieMae]

Originally Posted by Hadley2

No advice but lots of thoughts and questions that might help you think it through.

The mother's approach seems awfully casual. Is it possible she is just looking to "park" him somewhere and still expects to be able to drop in to be mommy now and then?
I thought about that, and it could be possible. The mom is all about herself, DH said she has always been that way. About 2 weeks ago, she mentioned that the child needed clothes, and new shoes, then on Friday before we picked him up she said it again (never asking us if we would buy them), then said she was going to buy a car, she went out bought a 2005 Ford Explorer, put a new alarm system, and bought a brand new stereo system, that will take up the last row of seats, and said she only needs the middle row anyways. I am pissed, she can spend money on that stuff but can't buy her kids clothes.

Are you willing to take both? Are you willing to have a long-term open relationship with the mother? Facilitate the sibling relationship despite issues with the mother? Are you willing to cut the mother or other family members out of your life if they do not accept you as the parents or disrupt your parenting of the child/ren?

Yes, I am willing to take both, but she only wants to adopt out the older one. The mom is 21, has a new boyfriend, wants to go out and have fun. I know down the road, or I hope later on she realizes what she did was wrong, and should have stayed home to take care of these babies. We will have a open relationship and the child will know who his bmom is, and I would want them to have a relationship. As far as her or the family goes, they know he will be very well taken care of, and all of them agree that he should stay with us. I guess my main concern is what will happen down the road....I know the mom, or I think down the road when she grows up, will probably have some animosity towards us.

Do the kids have issues that you know of or the likelihood for certain issues--drug exposure, fetal alcohol, etc.? Has either any red flag behaviors--fire play, hurting animals or other children when not angry, etc.? Are they on Medicaid (state healthcare) now? Are they eligible? Would you be able to maintain their eligibility in addition to putting them on your insurance?

The children are 5 months and 21 months, they do not have any medical problems. We had him this past weekend, and everything was great. The mom called to see how things were going, she actually wanted to know if we had an awful weekend, when we replied he was a good boy, she was shocked, was in disbelief, and went on, and on about how he is mean, doesn't listen ect. We had him for 48 hours, and we did not see any signs of that. This is coming from someone who is only with this child maybe 1 hour a day, the rest of the time she is working/sleeping/running errands. As far as healthcare, the children are on their grandfather's insurance. The GF and GM are the ones taking care of them, but they know that can't do it much longer.

Are you sure the bf is the father of both? I honestly believe both are his, but you never know....

Are you interested in having a long-term open relationship with the bf and/or his family?

No, I would not. He and his family are drug users and alcoholics. The mom picked the child up one day (from the dads mom's house) and the dad was drinking in the living room and the little boy was all over the house while his sisters and spouse/bf were in the kitchen using drugs.

How old are you? Have you looked after little ones lately? I'm asking 'cause I'm an "old" mother, and they do NOT keep me young! They age me greatly! No kidding, it ain't so easy....

I am 36, my children are 15 and 16. I was a nanny for the past 5 years. One family with 5 children (ages 1 yo - 10 yo), the other family had 2 children (5 month old twins).

How much will the process of adopting one or both of the kids disrupt your household? Will you have to quit work or cut back? Will it affect your older children's post-high school plans?

My last nanny position ended this past May. I have a pet online retail store, which I do from home. No it will not disrupt our household, the only one that will need more adjusting is me, since he will be with me most of the time, I will need to adjust my schedule and learn to work around the house at a slower pace.

That's probably a good start. All wise decision-making rational thinking aside, however, do you want to give these children a home in their family? Are you willing to do just do it and not look back? Will you keep their trust and really parent them and protect them?

I know this will be hard on everyone involved, but I know this is the right thing to do, and right now the only thing to do. I will do everything for them, and keep them out of harms way. It is sad to see them go through this......

Been there, done this. It is not easy. For ourselves, it felt like the right thing to do, we just closed our eyes, crossed our fingers, and did it. There are moments of great joy, moments of deep regret, but mostly an abiding sense that this is right.

Good luck with this, I hope things work out well for these children.

Thanks so much!!