[heyruthie]

This is my first post here. Short version: after 2 years of litigation, we lost our adoption. The kids (my nephews, ages 2.5 and 5) have NO memory of Bmom (my former SIL), and have lived with us for more than 2 years (since they were 5 moths and 2.5 years old.) Instead of granting our adoption, the court has ordered an IMMEDIATE reintroduction of the Bmom in 4 days with supervised visitation. Please help! Does anyone have any good links to aid in making this as trauma-free as possible? My big question is:

Can anyone help me find literature advocating how to re-introduce Bmom with the adoptive parents PRESENT--in a family-type setting?

The court seems to think the children should meet her without my husband and I there, simply because Bmom wants that (she hates us, and says we "stole" them, etc.) But we think it would be MUCH better to treat it like a positive, happy event, with everyone there--so that we can support the kids if they have fears or anxieties (especially if the 5 yr old has suppressed memories of the abuse and abandonement resurface when he sees her.) I think if I provide the counselors with some information about reintroducing the Bmom in a "family" type setting, it would help our case.

[Lynard1210]

This may not be helpful, but if you have time, find the book "The Family of Adoption" written by Joyce Maguire Pavoe, or better yet, call her and see if you can do a consultation. She is the exec. director of the Center for Family Connections and founder of PACT (Pre/Post-Adoption Consulting Team) in Cambridge, Mass. I'm not sure if she is still practicing but her approach in the book is to do what is best for the child, especially during a major transition. The birth mom sounds like she already is not thinking about what is best for the kids.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My thoughts and heart go out to you. My husband and adopted our grand-daughter and your situation sounds like my worst nightmare. I can't imagine any judge thinking this is helpful to children dragging this out for 2 years. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[heyruthie]

thank you. I just contaced the Center For Family Connections, and hope that they can help me--although they said they don't usually work with "urgent" cases. I hope they will call me back with some assistance.

[Lynard1210]

I'm glad they are still in business. The book I mentioned is copyrighted in 1998. The book contains lots of case history stories of different children and how the center helped the families deal with different problems. One cas study that really stood out in my mind was some foster children that kept undermining their potential adoptive placements. The author was called into the situation to figure out how to successfully get these kids adopted. She figured out they were really bonded to their former foster parents and former caseworker and that these kids would undermine any new placement unless these people were allowed into their lives. So, what she recommended was very unconventional - that the former foster parents and the potential adoptive parents have dinner to get to know each other. She said they had to "like" each other in order for them to accept each other as extended family. In time, they all liked each other and the kids' adoptive placement was successful.

There are other neat stories, but that is the one that sticks out in my mind the most. Good luck.

[karsonsmom]

heyruthie,
I guess then tomorrow is the Day?! I'll be thinking of you and praying for your family.
You think you've seen it all, then a judge does something like this....It truly is the worst nightmare for all aparents.
While I would never wish anything negative would happen to/with the children, maybe bmom will realize soon enough what a mistake she's making and return your children to you.
God bless you, dear, and best to you. Please, Please keep us posted. We will all be anxious to know what's happening.

[Hadley2]

As soon as I read your post, I knew what state you lived in. I'm surprised your agency ever even entertained TPR and adoption. It's been my experience and my cw told me that they usually try to dump kids and open legal cases on relatives through some hogwash called "legal custody" that isn't half as secure or complete as the federal definition of "guardianship." I was actually told at one point that relatives "aren't allowed" to adopt their kin!

So, maybe they dangled that in front of you, maybe the local agency wants to honor the law, but still, judges, courts and agencies in that state, time and time again, ignore ASFA and the actual wording of the state Code and neglect their duty to TPR and give these kids safe, stable and legally secure homes.

All that said, what stage is the case in? Did a judge from Juvenile & Domestic Relations Court order this or a Circuit Court judge? Is the case still on its first go through family court or has it gone for first or second appeal to Circuit Court? If it has been through CC, was it remanded to family court for a second go, or appealed to the Appellate Court?

My cw has often told me that a typical case (nonrelative, but we are trying for adoption, too) runs like this: First go through J&DR Court. Case plan extensions and multiple permanency hearings long past 15-month rule. TPR at 18 mos to between two and three years post-removal. TPR "appealed" to Circuit Court. This appeal is de novo--it is a whole new TPR trial in the court of record as if the J&DR Court TPR never happened. Circuit Court almost always overturns and remands to J&DR Court for another year of case plan. It sometimes affirms TPR, but she's seen the remanding even in cases of aggravated abuse (rape, can you believe it?). In rare cases, it will overturn and RU.

Upon remand, the parents fail for another year, there is another J&DR Court TPR trial, another CC de novo appeal and this time, usually, CC will affirm. At that point, the parents can appeal to the Appellate Court, which can consider the merits of the CC decision. Appellate Court almost always affirms CC decisions.

Throughout the entire process, parental rights are supreme and extreme. Visitation is continued right through the entire TPR and appeals process. Some judges get highly indignant when they don't see this and insist on it being reinstated. That may be what happened with your case.

If there was a TPR in J&DR Court and CC remanded with an order for a case plan including RU, all is not lost, it may be just delayed until everyone can have the fun of going through it all again.

In the meantime, as a relative, you can file as a "person with a legitimate interest" and have representation in the proceedings and to hire outside representation for the children if they don't have a GAL or the GAL they have is useless. A good relationship with the GAL (if there isn't one, that is one thing you can argue for) is invaluable.

If nothing else, do not take legal advice or information from the cw, prosecutor, agency lawyers or GAL at face value. Consult with attorneys who have long-term experience in family court--most will give you a half-hour of free talk.

Good luck, don't let them snow you. (Sorry, but I've been burned by this system so have little faith in it.)

[Hadley2]

I just realized I was assuming this was a foster case, you didn't actually say that it is. Is it a state case or private?

[aldes]

from the advice taken on this site (not just now), DW & I went to Boston courthouse to file ourselves as interested persons in the case of her grand nephew & niece. The clerk laughed in our faces & said there is no such thing. Just FYI, not to discredit anyone...this happened only a couple of months ago.

[Hadley2]

It is different in different states. In the state the op is in, the form for filing is on the state's judicial website under J&DR Court Forms. Also, clerks can give wrong advice and be unhelpful. I've had family court judges' clerks not copy to all parties when they said they would. I've had a district court clerk tell me I must go to the trooper barracks to request a copy of the back of my traffic ticket, of course the troopers said to go to court for it. I went back, this time asked specifically for a "disclosure form" (from the same clerk!), got it, filled it out, filed it, took the copy back to the troopers and got my copy. Sometimes it's the exact wording of what you ask for, sometimes it depends on the extent of knowledge of the clerk. Sometimes it just depends on whether or not they feel like helping you that day. You have to research it, whether through a consultation with an attorney or reading the statutes themselves. Oftentimes, there is much info on the state sites, especially the agency sites.

[heyruthie]

Well, the "visit" went forward today. The boys "met" their Bmom--who hasn't seen them in 2+ years. My youngest seems unphased--for now. But the older boy is clearly confused, and is now asking where his "mother" is. He was really clingy for the rest of the day, and I can't believe we have to go to 2 more in the next 2 weeks.

In addition, the Bmom, who is really good at playing the "poor little me" card, seemed to make a good enough impression that the experts are forgetting 2+ years of experience with her lies and deceit, after one 2-hour visit--and proclaiming this as "not so bad afterall." They seemed to think that if my oldest had "melted down" right on the spot, that would have been the litmus test for if it "hurt" him. I know that most childhood wounds don't display themselves so quickly.

We feel so devastated. Although we still have custody for now, we see a long road stretching before us with nothing but fighting and hoping to not lose the children eventually. This is a sad day for my family, and I'm too exhausted to write more. I'll try to give more details later.

[2manyks]

wow - ouch. prayers for you and your 2 children!

[mom2GRLC]

How sad..that it's come to this...your poor kids.

I hope this doesn't upset them too much before it's all over. They must be so confused...and feeling very insecure...with her back in the picture...especially under those conditions. Hopefully she doesn't say anything inappropriate to them to make them even more confused.

Give them extra big hugs tonight... they'll need you.!!!

[karsonsmom]

You and your family remain in our prayers. I can only imagine a bit of what you are going through, and it must be absolute hell. Remember, though, that God will take all these things that seem impossible to overcome and endure, and turn them into victories for His children. So stay strong.
Thank you for keeping us posted,even though it is surely difficult to write about. Many, many people are with you in spirit and wondering every day how you are.
Take care,
Karson's Mom