[p4disney]

I adopted my grand nephew (now my son)last year. He is now 6 years old and has an active relationship with his family (birth mother..who is my niece, grandfather..who is my brother...etc.) I have had guardianship since birth. We survived the process though it was full of a lot of emotional and family changes in the process. Family dynamics can be confusing after(and even before the adoption). My son is aware of the adoption but always questions things as they come up. I am sure more questions will come as he gets older. (eg. his grandfather is his brother's uncle!??).

I am looking to speak with other families that have experienced this type of adoption and the journey that took them to have the child in their home and beyond.
you can respond to my email or here. (p4disney at yahoo)

Thanks
Pamela Torres

[Mama Hess]

Hello there! My husband and I adopted a baby girl who is technically our great-niece. Mya is only 16 months old, so I don't know that I can give you any insight. I'm sure you have quite a list up on me. I'm interested to understand how you've handled it. Let me know. Bye!

[committedsoul]

I'm joining the club! I am in the process of adopting my cousin. JD is 3 years old. SOME of my family is not very supportive of this adoption, but I can't wait for JD to come home. I, too, am interested in how you have handled it!

[Barksum]

We've adopted a relative. Yes, the family tree just went bonkers! LOL At some point we'll point out all the interesting relationships, but for now we're just Mom and Dad, etc.

We have minimal contact with extended family; some, but not alot. Family is, for the most part, supportive. As to what we'll be called upon to handle, who knows? It's pretty much anyone's guess at this point. We do have phone/letter contact with some of our child's half-siblings as well. The child we've adopted is not the first child that the bio mother had TPR'd, so there are several family members who have adopted these children. Family reunions could get...complex.

[MamaS]

I adopted my grandson at age 4. He had been in my custody since 18 months. He still sees his mother regularly and talks with his father on the phone several times a week. So far, he still calls me "Grandma" and I haven't explained the adoption. It did not "change" anything as far as he could tell. I made the paperwork changes -- pediatrician, school, insurance, etc. -- but we don't intend to explain to him until he is old enough to read a birth certificate and ask questions.

[p4disney]

I had some of you ask how I survived the process. OK handled it I guess are the words!
I think it is more of a survival.
I think the best way to describe it is through focusing on my sons care and the well being of my older boys (my bio children).
The family was at odds, though when my niece needed to be retrieved from Oregon prior to the child's birth, I was the only one who went without question and went through the birth with her. When my niece and the child were to be release from the hospital, all family said they were "busy". (I had not intention prior to this of raising another child or caring for my niece who was developmentally delayed).

As things progressed, I scrambled for baby supplies and got the home ready and he came home. My niece soon moved to Bakersfield, ca (about 2 hours from me) to live with her other aunt.(who is not a fit parent herself)

My son brandon stayed with me and we took guardianship. about a year later, my sister attempted to get the guardianship terminated, which the judge found in our favor. After that I started the adoption process.
Finally ended last year.

Handling this type of thing is full of mixed emotions and stress, but a strong love for the child and the need to protect that child. Family relations are still strained with some relatives, but my son has a great relationship with his grandfather (my brother) and my mom, and I think that is enough. We do not know who the bio father is.

Day by day is my way of dealing and still with questions as he grows.

I would really like to hear others stories of how the child came into your home and background etc, how the child feels now (if old enough) Good luck to all. I think any support is helpful.

I have heard from some people who are now grown and were adopted by relatives as a child and that was of great insight.

Hope to hear more from all.
email p4disney at yahoo
Pam

[2manyks]

we've had our kids for 2 1/2 years. they are 7 and 10. they are handling it OK. our older ds understands better then our younger dd who is slightly MR, RAD, PTSD. the relative thing has been worse then any problem she has brought to the family. gmas having fits and wanting the kids for holidays and such. i finally had to put my foot down and say *these are my kids, i make the decisions* after a few ugly fights about *what my rights are* i won because of course i hold the cards - the kids - and things have been better. but things will always be a struggle, if only slightly with extended family.

the kids are my brothers kids. he willingly tpr'd after he went to prison, so he could make sure they were in my care and no one else'. he seems to be fine with the whole thing. tough for him, but he doesnt give me ANY grief. but - ohhhhhh - those grandmas!!!!

the kids are starting to call him *uncle*, which still sounds odd, but is what it is.

[karsonsmom]

My daughter is 10, we've had her "this time" since she was 17 months old, we had guardianship for a few yrs, then finally adopted about 4 yrs ago. So this isn't a "new thing" for the extended family.
She was bio granddaughter-birthmom is my husband's middle daughter. Makes grandmom my husband's exwife. EEK.

Grandmom cannot stand the fact that we are mama and daddy and not grandparents. It's the names she mainly has trouble with, because the whole town now knows the family business. I guess she thought she could keep up the charade forever....that I was "babysitting" or something!!

Anyway, birthmom is never around except holidays, etc., when it is least convenient for me.

I've visited 4 different family therapists who've all said my daughter shouldn't have any contact with birthmom or grandmom unless and until they get with the program and respect that we are this child's parents (and all that that means), that she is now birthmom's sister, that we are not pretend parents or babysitter's, etc.

We have constant interference from grandmom, who quite obviously has very little true interest in the child, it is in the image she wants to project in the community. She is embarrassed that her own daughter wouldn't take care of her child.

The issue that is currently bugging me the most this month is that she refuses to ask me first if my daughter can go with her/do something with her. She insists on mentioning it first to my daughter. I have repeatedly told her and the rest of the clan that either my husband or myself must be asked first before anything is said to the child. I would have thought this would be obvious--does anyone out there think I'm wrong about this? I believe it is unfair to put the parent on the spot. For instance, tonight grandmom ruined our surprise for our daughter: We had a trip to Atlanta planned for next week and were going to wait until the car was packed before telling her we were going. Surprise! Grandmom called, asked child if she wanted to go to so and so's house for 5 days with her next week (too long anyway I say) and I was caught on the phone trying to explain why she couldn't go with her. Now the cat's out the bag and one of the parts of this family trip (the surprise element) has been ruined by grandmom because she didn't adhere to my policy.
Please tell me what to say to her to get her to understand that I do mean business about this.
Oh, and get this--she wants us to let her meet us in Atlanta (not far from her husband's grandchildren's home where she is vacationing) and pick up our daughter after we do a few of the activities we've planned. Sort of hurry up with our vacation and let her take her. She doesn't see our daughter often (very little interest on child's part, and part of therapist's suggestion to cool the relationship while she is undermining us). How dare she even suggest we let her take K, meet us at the Braves game with her, and let her pick her back up from us. God I'm mad.

[Hadley2]

wow, karsonsmom, that's terrible. Our fd/niece is my BIL's child, I thought that was complicated enough. Having an ex-wife in the mix, I can't even begin to wrap my brain around that one.

I know what you mean about people asking the child to do something instead of checking with the parent first, though. This seems to happen a lot during activities, especially expensive ones--a coach, dance instructor, etc., talks to the child about going up a level, adding hours, being in an extra show, etc., and before you know it, your activity budget just doubled. Or you have one disappointed kid who is convinced you have denied them the chance of a lifetime. "Cool" parents of your kids friends also tend to make big offers directly to the kids before asking.

p4Disney: You are way ahead of me on this journey. On-topic, we are in a foster situation and family has been pretty supportive. Although fd is only nearly 8, her "situation" has been brewing since birth and she has a half-sib, now 17, who was in and out of care when she was younger, too. So people were expecting and ready to support a permanent change.

It took some time for some of them to fully understand that a young child needs to be adopted, to have parents, not "custodians," to be permanently settled with no fear of being uprooted again.

Odd things still crop up, though, as if the full reality hasn't quite sunk in. Inheritance is suddenly weirdly complicated and for now, she is slated to inherit twice--quite the lucky young lady, I guess, as they don't quite understand why we would put her in our will post-adoption. Name change is another thing taking some by surprise. It's not so much that they don't approve as that many of the repercussions simply hadn't occurred to them.

Both they and the parents, though, tended to misunderstand or forget our role as foster parents through the case, acting as if we were advancing it and controlling contact when of course it was all on the state. Phone calls during the foster case were a nightmare. The parents have always been quick to tell anyone who will listen that we are "getting paid" to take care of their daughter.

But I don't really have anything solid to say about post-adoption because it hasn't happened yet.

[hkolln]

I'm also in the process of adopting our niece whom was in foster care in Idaho but now is living with us since June 30th. The ICPC is completed and the TPR trial is on August 15th. Our nieces mom is my husbands sister and she's planning on voluntarilly surrendering her rights. Nieces bio dad is on the run from the law and is getting TPR'd due to abandonment. There is alot of abuse in our nieces background (physical and sexual) so it's going to be a long road ahead but we are taking one day at a time. My SIL is currently in prison til 2008 sometime for drugs. She has now been transported close to the court where she is going to be doing the TPR trial. Last I heard she is trying to get it earlier then Aug 15th so she can move forward. I hope that is true.

Then I'll be in the adoption unit of our agency (we are licensed foster parents here) and doing an adoption home study and heading towards finalization of her adoption.

My only worry is hubby and nieces mom are somewhat close. Bio dad has threatened both my SIL and my niece (he is the abuser) and we want to protect her from any future abuse. I'm worried what type of contact my SIL will want with her daughter. Maybe when she's older (she's almost 8) it will be ok but for now I don't think anything besides letters will be appropriate.

How have other relatives dealt with this type of thing? When you know Mom was a drug addict and has been most of her life. She has not made good choices in the past regarding protecting our niece and I'm sure once she's out of jail she will go right back to the wrong crowd and drugs. This is the 2nd time that our niece has been in foster care too. The 1st time my SIL cleaned herself up to get her daughter back..even left this abusive guy...but went back to him when she got her daughter back completely. It's just awful!

And then I have Grandma on Mom's side (step grandma whom married SIL's Dad) whom lives across the country and is upset we are taking in our niece and adopting her. She wanted our niece to stay with the previous foster family so she could see her more often. We felt she should be with family. I want this to be a positive thing but it's so hard when everyone is so negative. How do you keep it upbeat and positive? Especially when it's family and you don't want to hurt anyone involved?

[gchoy]

Greetings Pamela,

I hope you got my earlier comment. I am new to this site but our situation is so alike. I took care of my grandniece since birth and have legally adopted 3 yrs. ago. She's now 7 and we just told her that she is adopted.

Problem is when my niece and her boyfriend visits with her they tell her things that make my daughter confused. My niece still insists that she is the "real mother" not the fake one....that my husband's family (who welcomed and loved my child from day one, even before I married my husband) are "fake cousins".

It has been a very diffficult road and still is. I am no longer in speaking terms with my sister (my niece's mother). The problem is my niece hasn't come to terms with what adoption is. She thinks we need to co-parent my child (now that she's older, when she was younger they didn't even care to see her). She keeps clothes for her, has another closet for her in her place.

I am so glad there is someone out there who has a simiar situation.

Hope to hear more from you.

Thanks,
Gina

[p4disney]

response to Gina...

The relative adoption is full of so many issues when it comes to family relations, aren't they?
I have also had strained relationships with relatives regarding my adoption, some no longer exist due to their lack of boundaries regarding the adoption and my son's well being.
My son is now 6 years old, but has always known of his adoption. His birth mom, my niece, is developmentally delayed, and does not try and confuse Brandon, but fought about it a lot when he was a baby (opposite of yours I guess) she wrote letters and said that she was his "real" mother etc...
Perhaps if you tell you niece that if the comments continue, then the visitation will change, be monitored, or stop with the exception of e-mails, letters etc that you can monitor to see if they are appropriate until she gets some counseling or other support to understand how damaging it is for your daughter. You are the real mother, birth or not, and your daughters emotional well being is what is important.
It is hard and makes you seems like a *****, but sometimes it is for the best in the end....

my e-mail is p4disney at yahoo.com

Pam

[MAYGAN]

Do You Have Any Advice As To Where To Start The Process To Adopt My Nephew? I Have Had Him Since Birth And He Turns Two Next Month. My Sister And His Father Will Sign Anything I Ask Them To.

MAYGAN_VARGAS@YAHOO.COM

TEXAS

[Lynard1210]

Originally Posted by karsonsmom

She was bio granddaughter-birthmom is my husband's middle daughter. Makes grandmom my husband's exwife. EEK.

Karsonmom, I'm so glad I finally found somebody in the same boat as me!! After reading your post, I'm feeling better about the fact that my husband's ex-wife (bgrandmother to my daughter) acts like DD doesn't exist. In fact, she has been heard telling other people she has one only 1 granddaughter (the second child of bmom who bmom is parenting). Our daughter has never even been acknowledged by her. Now bmom is living with her and has not acknowledged her/our daughter in 2years! She basically fell off the earth. I really don't get it.

Anyway to answer your question, I don't see anything wrong with you setting a boundary and when it gets trampled, being angry about it. My husband's mom did the exact same thing when my stepdaughter was growing up. She never respected our schedule and would always make plans with my stepdaughter, even at very young ages, in an attempt to undermine me. (the evil stepmother). Now the evil stepmother is the mother of her grandaughter and let me tell you, she hated every second of it for the first year or so, until my husband sent a very loud message by cutting her off. That lasted a year and a half and guess what? She is respecting my DH's boundaries (I only see her about once a year even though she lives locally).

Sometimes I think life would be much easier if we moved many states away

[lilraskels]

My husband and I adopted his cousins. We went from cousin to mom and dad. It has been very hard for his Aunt so she does not want anything to do with any of the family including her own mother. It gets easier but it is fun to explain when the time comes. Hard on the children in school when they do family projects though.