[feelingreyt]

My husband and I are adopting a distant cousin of his. When our soon to be adopted DS was 4 days his mother went to jail. The grandmother called my husband at work and asked him if we could possibly take some of the children while the mom was incarcerated. The mother is a 21 yr old single mom of 4. THe oldest is almost 4 yrs old and has lived with the grandmother most of the time. Then there is an almost 2 yr old, a 13 month old and a newborn. So you can imagine how difficult the situtation is. Also, the grandmother has a ds that is 21 months old, plus custody of a 10 yr old nephew on her husbands side. So anyway, we told them we could take 1 or 2 of the children. We have 2 children of our own and honestly, I could not have handled more than that. So they asked if we would take the newborn. We picked him up the very next day. He was 5 days old and very tiny. So sweet. I knew it would be so hard to give this baby back to his mom because of the entire situation. So much more than I should go into, so I just started praying for God's Will to be done in this child's life as well as his entire family. After his mom got out of jail she asked if my husband and I would adopt the baby. We could not have been happier. Our families are very supportive. I'm having trouble wondering where the boundaries should be though. I don't want our son to be confused as he grows up. Should he call his birth grandma by her name like my children do? Thats what I would prefer, but I think that the grandma wants to be called nanna. Also, these are relatives that we RARELY saw before. Boundaries......thats my issue. What should they be? That is the question.

[Barksum]

We've been wondering/working on boundaries as well. It can be a little sticky at times. So far we've just maintained the status quo; sporadic phone calls, Christmas letters, a picture when I get them done. (I'm not quick with pictures, but all the relatives suffer equally so no one gets to accuse me of favoritism. ) We do have our adopted relative call her bio grandfather 'grandpa'...but we see that side of the family very, very seldom. We keep various bio relatives updated (sporadically) and haven't (so far) made any monumental changes in our family dynamics.

We've been open about familial relationships, and we have more than four adopted children (including non-relative and relative) and each has their own story, so we just have proceeded with our relative adoption in the same manner as we have with the non-relative adoptions. 'This is how you came to our family, and we are so happy....'

[feelingreyt]

Barksum, was the adoption really fast moving for you? Seems relative adoptions are the fastest ones. We are finalizing on the 20th of Dec. Which will be exactly 3 months and 5 days after placement. I'm loving it! The longer it takes, the more stressed I be.
Also, thanks for the insight on your relative adoption. Boundaries are so much more complicated than I thought they'd be.

[Barksum]

Feeling, yes the relative adoption went quickly. We had placement and finalization within 6 months, with the child being placed with us in a different state even prior to TPR. So it was quick, since in that 6 months they did the TPR trial and all the subsidy agreements, etc. It's been almost a year since finalization and Baby is doing well. (There's been another sib born, too...but we're done adding to the family, so don't know yet what will be happening there.)

[feelingreyt]

Barksum, I'm glad your adoption went smoothly!

[EZ2Luv]

I was adopted by my aunt at 3 months old. Only they never told me who biomom was. I found out a few yesrs after biomom died. You think the relations are strange with everything out in the open, it is far worse to lie and stay in denial. I have been pretty accepting being an adoptee as I always knew I was adopted. It was finding out that I was lied to that crushed me to the core.


EZ

[feelingreyt]

EZ,
So sorry you had to deal with the truth that way.
We are going to be open and HONEST with our baby. I'm not sure at what age I will tell him who is first mom is, but it will be early on in his life. I just don't want to confuse him, ya know.

[knicho30]

Lilraskels-- You said it with "Hard on the children in school when they do family projects though." My father in law adopted my BIL's 3 oldest children so to my husband the boundaries have been blurred between uncle and brother. We just adopted BIL's youngest child so legally my husbands sisters/neices are my daughters aunts, but biologically they are her sisters as well. I never planned on explaining this craziness to my biological sons.... and then we joined in by adopting his youngest child. I can't imagine when my daughter tries to map out her family tree. Poor kid! I just try to keep good records for her for when she's older and wants to try to sort it all out!

[feelingreyt]

Knico, that is a family tree where the branches intertwine instead of branching out! Good luck explaining all of that!
We finalized our relative adoption this week! Tuesday was the hearing and the Order was filed Wednesday! We had so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!

[2manyks]

the holidays are the tough part. its like everyone can go along all year without much contact with the kids, then the holidays come about and everyone starts feeling guilty. they need to see the kids so they dont have to feel guilty for another year. this is where the problem kicks in for us. they show up with armloads of gifts. the problem is i have other kids who feel extremely jealous of this. and the kids who are geting the presents like to show off and rub it in their faces. it doesnt do much for building family bonds. the phone calls are already starting. i already have resolved that they will not be attending that family christmas party this year. last year was such a mess - molesting uncle in attendance and all - so the answer is no. boy am i going to be catching some flack for that one. but it has to be whatever is best for my family.

another thing that has happened recently is biofather got out of prison. i did absolutely no coaching on what they should call him. they have called him uncle B cause thats what all the other kids call him. it is painful for my brother to not be called dad, but it is his own fault he is not parenting these kids. this relative adoption is complicated to say the least.

[josh1788smom]

I come to you guys from the other side of this. I hope it is ok I post here.

I am a birthmom of a 19 year old. He was born when I was 17; he was born in October, and I turned 18 in December. I had already graduated high school. My parents - white collar - upper middle class - were NOT happy to say the least. My grandmother approached her nephew and his wife about adopting my child. They were a childless couple, and at the time, dealing with some infertility issues. My parents had always wanted my son to be adopted. I was sent to live with an aunt 2000 miles away to go to an adoption agency and return home after my son was "given away". This did not work for me. I went to one meeting at the agency and begged my parents to let me come home. They said no. I called another aunt, who sent me money for airfare and flew home. I also had a friend pick me up at the airport. My parents did let me stay at their house, but I was not to be out or be seen to embarrass them. I did meet with these cousins. That side of my family used to be extremely close. From that time on, the amom called me A TON.

When my son was born, I called the aparents. They asked if I wanted them to come get him. I told them I wanted to take him home with me. I was so in love with him. I told them I'd call them within a week.

I took him home with me. The support and assistance I got from my parents was passive-aggressive. It was ridiculous, looking back on it now. Anyhow, in a moment of weakness and post partum depression, my dad made me call this cousins to come get my son. He even told them, you better get up here quick if you want him. Their own attorney advised against this.

They came - and took my son. It was the worst day of my life.

ANyhow - fast forward - I contested the adoption, and lost.

Now - It's been 19 years. I have met my son, and he seemed open to it, but I know he is emotionally manipulated by his mom (from things he has told me).

I just want to know him. I just want the rift in this side of my family to go away. I wrote his amom after his 18th birthday. She ignored it. I have e-mailed his adad countless times asking if we (the adad and I) could meet and talk. He says yes, but then blows me off. My son did not even know he was adopted in-family until he talked to his bdad. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have read all over these forums, books, etc. I have tried to be respectful and do the right things. I don't understand how they can be so cruel. Because this was in-family and they didn't go through an agency were they not educated on hwo painful this is for me? They act like I don't exist and it should be ok.

Thanks for letting me vent; I'd love some perspective.

[Lynard1210]

Joshsmom,

Your story tugged at my heart. I don't understand why the aparents never told your son the truth. I recently read in an adoption book that kinship adopters are less likely to tell their kids the truth, than strangers.

The hard part of life is when you feel like you do all the right things, and the result still stinks and certain people still disrespect you. Been there!

I would love to talk with you privately if you are interested.

[josh1788smom]

It's funny you say that. When my friends and I went incognito to his high school graduation, my friend said, "you would be treated better by strangers." She is so right. I would love to at least have an a-mom I could embrace in all this. Instead, I have stayed away from that entire side of MY family for 19 years. Whenever I am around any of them, they look at me, like I am a bug, or am going to do something crazy or amazing, I am never sure which they expect.

I just don't get it. At least for the fact that I am in their family, and I have stayed away, you would think they would give me the benefit of the doubt. I am not trying to take anything away from what they have had or can have in the future, I am just trying to start having something of my very own. Does that make sense?

[Lynard1210]

Hello again. You can have something of your very own with Josh if you choose to, with or without the approval of the aparents, however painful i'm sure that is to not have. It is obvious they are feeling threatened by you, which is typical of people who haven't been honest or are insecure in their role as parents. They probably fear that you will take Josh away from them, however unlikely that is.

Josh is an adult and you have a right to have a separate relationship with him without anyone in your family's approval. Josh has a right to have a relationship with you as well. They aparents may never give you the respect you deserve, but i feel certain that that fact alone will never change the love you have for Josh.

As an adoptee, i would have welcomed my birth mother on the scene at 19, with or without my aparents approval. Why? Because I wasn't close emotionally to them. (I'm not saying this is the same for Josh, however). I would have loved to talk to another adult that would actually listen to me I knew that loved me and had my well-being in mind. Josh may or may not feel differently from me, but I think regardless, he would welcome as much information as you could give him about his life (pictures as well).

[josh1788smom]

At the moment, he has a letter of my whole story. He has some pictures, of then and now, including pictures of my 3 kids I am parenting. We had a little myspace correspondence for a short while, but his birthfather committed suicide this past summer. I told him about it, nothing major the basics. He asked some questions, and I did tell him it was suicide. Following that, he deleted his myspace, and I have not heard from him since. I have both a myspace and a facebook. When I wrote him, I gave him all my numbers, so I guess the ball is really in his court.

I think he believes that he would be poor, and I would not be able to give him the life he has, which is so not the case - he was adopted by my poor relatives. But whatever, I cannot contradict what he has been led to believe his whole life. We'll see what he does next. I just am losing faith.

On another note, I did write a lengthy letter to his adad explaining why this is important to me. Don't know what it will do, he may just ignore it too.