[little_bugs_mama]

I'm so thankful that there are ways for people like us to communicate. I have my niece and nephew in my custody. Nothing is finalized yet and they are just now going for termination after 2+ years of court date and to many chances to count. (I would like any imput on people that have gone through the court system regarding relative placement and adoption. I want to know what I am up against.) They are my husband sister's children and she is less that deplorable! Her mother is no better, in fact it is easy to see how she turned out that way. I have cut off contact with the bmom and am ready to cut off communication with the maternal grandmother. The court has ordered a no-contact rule for the bmom but the grandmother and the bmom live together in a hellhole unsutible for a dog. This is my husband's mother and I absolutely do not want to make him choose between us, but it' looking like I have no choice.. I know that he will "choose" us but their mother has ODed off painkillers than I can count and he is scared to death that one day that he will find her dead. Possibly very soon. This grim diagnoses has not made her see the error of her ways and she still continues to batter my family with endless pathetic phone calls and whiny attempts to devide us. Before we got the kids she didn't want anything to do with my sons (which was fine with me) But both times we've has these kids (this is our second go round) she all of a sudden wanted to be the nana. She will call to speak to my husband, HER OWN SON, and ask him things like "who's the man of the house, you need to tell theat B*tch that I can come over any time that I want to!" My H just brushes her off and simply tell her that I an the wife and the mother and she needs to respect that. The last time the kids were placed in thier mother's cuctody aka living with nana again, she cut off all tied to my son's. I feel she only wants something to do with my neice and nephew. When she was allowed to talk to the kids she told my niece that I am not her blood and she doesn't have to listen to me because I'm only keeping them because of the money I could get from them! She would rather my Niece hate me and think that I stole her away that for her to love and respect me or to make the most out of the horrible situation that we were both thrown into. Hopefully the judge will see that the bmom or the grandma are toxic to these kids and helps me protect them from the horrid women who refuses to accept responsibility for thier behavior.

Thank you so much for letting me "vent"
little_bugs_mama

[Mared2chuck]

Sorry you have to go through this. I bet your husband will have enough and say something to his mother before you know it. Guys for some reason are hestiant to confront their Moms. I know my dh is I usually tell him what is bothering me and he will address it with his mom. I won't just because I am a little more hot headed and so is she. Good Luck and God Bless.

[laurie2275]

Wow both B-mom and grandma sound like real winners...
I would definately stop all contact as she is offering nothing constructive to your bio or placed children. She does not respect you or your husband or would not be sabotaging your efforts to parent. I am sure that your niece and nephew have been through enough and really dont need this further conflict.

If there comes a time when you or your husband would like contact , I would come up with some kind of contract outlining acceptable communications to and from her at visits and over the phone. Something that says what you expect from her if she would like to see or have contact with the children. Both of you sign it. BE UNITED ON THIS. If she does not comply, then are forced to sever contact until she does. Remember, try to be kind but clear.

[Hadley2]

Your road to adoption will be harder or easier depending on your state's and local agency's attitude toward relatives.

It is good the state is going for TPR, that is a good sign. It would be in your niece and nephew's interest for you to get licensed as a foster and adoptive home...while you may not be required to do so, it may make a really big difference to them in terms of the benefits and services they will receive. Many relatives are timid about asking for or receiving help or feel guilty about it. Don't! Virtually every child in the system needs some kind of help that is beyond the resources of the average family, related or not. Accepting the children, adopting them, parenting them as best you can is doing your part.

I'm so sorry the mother and MIL are so difficult. I hope things smooth out for you soon.

[joskids]

I would hope that my husband would stand up to his mother and sister regarding the children he will be (trying to) raise as his. Sounds like these children have been through enough. What they need now is TWO strong parents who are putting their best interest first. I would be very concerned that their first mother and grandmother would try to set their minds against you. That isn't going to help you with an already difficult job. Best wishes on what you are doing. Sounds to me like you being in the middle of your husband and his family is going to be a very difficult road for you.

Josie

[little_bugs_mama]

Thank you for all your support. I will continue trying to set limits with them but if they're not met I do not think I'll lose one wink of sleep over it. Court is less than one week away and I have all my ducks in a row ( as far a supporting evidence as to why the kids should stay with us). I was considering becoming a liscened foster parent and adoptive home but I didn't know if I had time to do that. Is it worth the time and effort it will take to get liscened if the adoption (hopefully) will be expidited as I am expecting? HELP!

[Lynard1210]

Let us know how the court date went!

My husband severed contact with his mother for a year and a half because she was extremely toxic. Now they have a very limited relationship, one that only includes him. I do not go around her and neither do our kids. When somebody wants to divide and conquer your family, like clearly your husband's family does, it is pointless to keep working with them IMO because any attempts on their part are many times insincere until they learn the boundaries and are willing to accept them. Sometimes a complete cut-off is the only way to get the point across.

Good luck!

[little_bugs_mama]

The hearing was yesterday 3-5-07. The trial lasted 3.5 hrs and I had to testify. My nieces father is now out of jail (wasn't supposed to be until 9-07). He has been in jail most of her life but the problem is that he has already done more that the bmom has. The good thing is that he has a stipulation on his parole that he cannot be around ANY children. He told me yesterday that his P officer will drop the stipulation if he cooperates for one month. My nephews dad didn't say anything at all in his own defense so that was good. the bmom was nothing short of embarrassing. Her tears were fake and he excuses were see through. The woman she lives with brought her and was passing out in the courtroom from the drugs she was taking. After all of that the judge set another hearing date for 4-10-07. There is still no contact but I'm in agony having to wait another month. I don't know if this is just time so the judge can "sleep on it" or if more evidence will be allowed. If there is more evidence allowed I pray to God that the judge will end it anyway. Thanks for all your support.

[2manyks]

little bugs mama - we are living the same story. the maternal gma tries to make our life a nightmare, in fact, she did for the first year. there are grandparents laws and she sued us for gparents rights. every other weekend, every other holiday, and 4 weeks during the summer. that is when i fianlly threw in the towel and that is when my brother finally tpr'd. we adopted the kids and the bgma has never forgiven us. luckliy she is my sil mother, so her rights were also automatically terminated with the adoption. bmom is dead from dod. she writes mean ugly letters, calls - i dont answer, thank goodness for caller ID. i wish she would see that the kids are happy, secure. i wish she could be a part of their lives, but she cant. she does drugs, she lives with our daughters molester - and she wonders why i wont let the kids come over. i let her come over to our house for awhile, but it was just nasty. so now i just ignore her until the kids are older and then they can make the decision of how they want her in their lives. it has been a tough long road getting here, but i am glad we can bounce things off eachother here with others who are going through the same things!

[little_bugs_mama]

Thanks, I'm glad we can communicate also. I would think that the court would notice all of the bad things that could influence the kids. When will the rights of the innocent trump the rights of the guilty. The people tha t we are trying to keep them away from, protect them from, are the ones that are making it so hard. I'm glad your journey is over, mine has just started.

[2manyks]

its not really over. with relative adoption it is never over. legally i can make all the decisions, but that doesnt mean i dont get grief about it. all the relatives sit back in their easy chairs and try to tell me what to do , how to do it and when to do it. it can be really tough. we have had to forgo alot of family traditions, just to avoid conflicts with relatives. the kids still try to play everyone against eachother. they thrive in conflict because that is what they were raised in. the relatives thrive in cinflict. the best i can do is not even let on that i even care about the bmoms side of the family. i wish i could. i wish the kids could have a healthy relationship with their gma, but right now it is not possible.

[little_bugs_mama]

I hear you on the conflict. My niece will call her Nana and tell her things that happen out of context. example: my son had an older bed so we got him a matress topper and my niece has a new bed so we didn't, she called and said the my son got his new thing and I didn't get her anything. So naturally, the Nana, without ever checking the facts, calls and harps at my husband (his mom) for treating the kids differently. ERGGGG! Why won't anyone just get the facts befor jumping to conclusions. So I've had to tell my niece that she cant use the phone without my permission. She still trys to do it when I'm at work or whatnot, and seems to be in trouble all the time for not listening. I hate having to dicipline them all the time when my bsons behave most of the time. I know that it is because of how they were raised until now, but I don't want to make special exceptions and make my own sons feel different. Its very hard. I just have been keeping to the same "rules" that I have had before and hoping that they will eventually follow them. Until them I have to stick to my guns. I don't know what else to do. Has anyone else had this problem?

[2manyks]

when we decided to adopt my neice and nephew we got my kids together, without the cousins, and asked them what we should do. we took a vote. all the kids said yes, but under the stipulation that the new kids were treated the same. same rules for everyone. we agreed. it is hard, but we stick with it. i usually have to be more strict with the cousins, because they are always pushing the buttons, but i have to do it or the others are upset. there are more rules for the new kids because they need the rules. the others dont. how long have the kids been with you? ours have been here 2 1/2 very long years. they are pretty good about following the rules now. A is not as good as T, but they get better everyday. even T's teacher has seen a huge improvement from last year. i had to finally not worry about what others thought. they are not living this. i am. i have to do what is best for my family.

question. T had his bday on monday. his biograndfather sent him a check for $50. is it just me or is $50 too much for a 10 yo bday? just wondering what you thought.

oh yeah - i just remembered something. i asked A's therapist about the decipline thing. i felt like A was always in trouble and would think i didnt like her. her therapist gave me this advice. first acknowledge that i understood why A was doing what she did, the decipline her. so if she called gma without permission, then i would say * i know you want to talk to gma cause you love her, but you have to wait until i am home or i will take all your phone priviledges away* she is always happy to have her feeling recognized, but then i still give her the punishment. she does believe me when i say i will do something, because i ALWAYS follow through with her. i cant give in* not once!

[2manyks]

just wondering how everyone is doing. we had a good talk with one of the bio aunts. she understood our problem with visits and brought T's bday present over to our house instead of trying to throw a big party with all his bio relatives. the interesting thing is the kids were happy to see her, but didnt seem to have much to say to her. they were done visiting in about 5 minutes. which made it ackward for me. she wanted to hold my new baby - so that took some time. then i had the kids come back in the room to visit and i left the room. i found myself in the kitchen shoving raspbery dessert in my face. half way through i realized what i was doing - but finished anyway. i guess i was feeling stressed! but now the bday is over and i dont have to worry about any calls for awhile. we'll see. i just want my family to be my family. i guess i shouldnt have ventured into relative adoption if i wanted the simple life!

[little_bugs_mama]

Our lives seem to be mirrored. I too have had my niece & nephew for 2.5 troublesome years and it was my nieces j's birthday. She turned 8. Of course just to make it a little more interesting my son c's birthday is also this month. I vowed not to do any more big parties because of all the hassle but I agreed to have cake at the local park for both of them on the 31st. (which happens to be my son's actual birthday!) The reason behind this is because 1: j's bday was the 18th and it was supposed to rain 2: I had to work on the only weekend in between their birthdays. 3: having at the end of the month betters my chances of good michigan weather. It wasn't preferential treatment like it was made out to be! We did have a small birthday party on the 18 to acknowlege j's actual birthday and we gave her our presents that day. Now there is another guilt hanging over my head. j's bmom supposively got j an expensive pair of roller skate shoes called heelys. I guess its easy to spluge once a year if you choose not to do anything else. I'm sorry if I'm negetive but I'm so angry at everything she does. Even though I should be glad that j is getting something that she wants, I'm actually a little jealous, which is very hard to admit. Of course I want it to be fair and equal so I feel obligated to go out and get my son a pair also, which will put us over budget for the birthday stuff. I would just forget it except my son had wanted a pair of these for a long time too, plus there's the added bonus factor that almost every kid at his school has a pair! I think I'm gonna wait to see if the bmom actually got them for her. If she did I probably will end up getting a pair for c too. I have never liked being "stong-armed" into a situation, least of all by the bmom.