[dashed]

When I married my ex husband in 1998 his nephew was 4 at the time and had been living with maternal gma most of his life. She felt she couldn't handle a young child at that time. My husband and I were married 4 years and then we finally took him after we had our own child (we were mid 20's). After we had him six months, dear hubby left. I took custody of both children although he did pay child support on both. 4 years later, the child was 12 and had contact with bio family all this time because it was my EX's family. Also he was 8 1/2 when we adopted him so he had spent much of his life with bio family (gma).
He went for a few visits (they live out of state) and last summer he went and didn't want to come home. At this time he is 13 and over the 4 years I raised him I realized I was in way over my head. He had ADD, depression, patho liar, attachment disorders, you name it. He was unnerving to live with the older he got, NO ONE trusted him. You wouldn't turn your back on him etc. It was very uncomfortable. Yes of course, I showed him love and affection. I think he had been so much of his life without it, that he couldn't truly feel or express it. Just mimic it, and that is what is creepy...?!

I did remarry and have my bio daugther plus 2 young stepchildren in the house. Forcing him to return at 13 I felt would be deterimental to our household as he would likely rebel and I did not want to jeopardize my other children. Also, I always told him if his family ever stepped up to the plate I would let him go back. (never expecting that they would>>>>) At any rate, he is 13 wants to be there and gradmna wants him back legally. We are trying to sort it out......Can I terminate MY rights regardless or do they have to have adoption proceedings started to adopt him back. I am getting nervous because he has been down there so long but is still my legal responsiblity. I don't want him ending up in Juvey when he is not in my care and control......any advice or opinions? Please try not to judge either. Sounds horrible I know, to be trying to reverse an adoption. Believe me, I was naive and rose-colored glasses 4 years ago. It is NOT easy raising someone else's child and esp one with lots of emotional problems. It would be different if he WANTED to stay with me, we woulnd't even be having this discussion. I love that kid and have done everything I could to provide and protect him. He just still would never be happy. He spent too many years negelected by his birthmom. (BF, never showed up and birthmom is very irratic. BUt she does live by his gma in FL and I am in MO so he has NO chance to see bio-mom up here but does some down there....)

Thanks for reading.

[kakuehl]

I don't have any answers for you, but I wanted to let you know someone read your post. It's a heartbreaking story (for both your and the boy.) Is his grandmother willing to have him move back? If she couldn't handle him at 8, how will she manage a 13 year old? Teens often feel it would be better to live somewhere else. I wonder if he would decide he wants to come back in a year or so.

I truly wish you well and pray that you will find the right answer.

[Hadley2]

It sounds as if you have gone above and beyond and truly care about this boy and want to do the right thing by him--which may well be to keep him out of a house with young children if he has not yet shown many signs of empathy or conscience.

My only thought on the legal side might be to give Grandma temporary legal custody to a date that would be one year from the time he first went down. That would give everyone time to decide if this setup is really working. It could be he likes grandma's house because he is a free bird. If he gets in trouble, it will be on her and you will be better able to judge if he should stay. You and your ex would still have to contribute child support (be sure to document payment!!), and an amount should be agreed upon in writing or fixed by a court so that you don't get yourself into trouble down the road.

You would need to get a family attorney in Florida to advise you and set this up. It could probably happen pretty quickly and you probably wouldn't have to go down as long as everyone is in agreement. If he is troubled, I would do it ASAP as if he commits a crime, you may be liable for damages to the injured party. I think you are right to be concerned about that.

It is good that he knows you love him and want what's best for him. Good luck.

[dashed]

Thank you two for posting. I was wracked with guilt over this. It was tough. I had such high hopes for him when he came to live with me. I still hold out that a seed we planted may grow later.

He has been back down there for 9 months already and has not changed his mind in the least bit. I actually think the grandmother is stricter on him that I was, BUT those are his "real" family as he says. I think a big part of it is that he wants whatever contact he can have with his birth mom. She is hit / miss down there but with me we were 15 hrs from her and she never saw him. Also, I think he just wanted them to WANT him. Now that grandma is saying she does, he is happy. (well, happy by his definition). I think at 4-8 he was just too much resp for her. Personally I think now that he is old enough to ride bike to school, dress and care for himself, get his own food, etc. She actually probably doesn't mind him being there. He can actually help her with chores. That is why I think she has changed her tune. I would personally take him back any time, but they are drinkers/smokers there and I do worry that the longer he is there, if he came back he would be a horrible influence on my other children.

Thanks for your support. It means a lot.

[pattiboo26]

I have a silimiar story. My husband and i adoptived his ex-wifes kids. He is not bdad. We did it for his daughter my step daughter so she didn't lose them to the foster care system. Bmom went to jail and bdad is in there for molesting the oldiest.

My step daughter is 18 and the adoptive girls are 9 and 11. It seemed like at first i could make such a difference and help everyone- be the best parent in the world- but my step daughter rebeled and was a bad role model for her sisters. So, i want to push her out becuase it wasn't helping our attempt to be a happy home.

i found myself thinking what was i trying to do. This was a big responsible i took on and why did i do this to my self. My husband and i have a daughter who is 4 now. the girls came to us at 5 and 7.

My husband was upset during the problems with the step daughter becuase it seemed like i was choosing the adopted girls over her.

I have tried hard to protect them from their b-mom famiily. They are nuts. So, as of the last 3 years they dont have contact and they only get b-cards from bmom.

that has been the hardiest thing for my step-daughter to deal with. when i told her they would not see their bmom till they are adults she was incredible more upset. That may have been when the rebeling got worse.

if i didnt explain it. my step-daughter has the same mother who is in prison.

i hate the fact that i feel like i am playing god with their lives and deciding what is best for them. I hate the fact that bmom family cant see that i am trying to do what is best for them and proctect them from the pain. bmom tells my step daughter that she is getting out after she does this appeal or any appeal to the judge. i get upset becuase she has no chance of getting on before 12/9 and she is trying to convince her she is getting out sooner. I am gald that she is not putting my adopted girls thru that..

I want all my girls happy. I think the best i can do is allow my adopted girls to grow up normal like kids that are with b-parents.

i dont want to judge u but telling that child if u want to live with your b-family go ahead is telling him i dont want u and he knows they dont want him or he would be there...
i am sure i have told my step-daugther more hurtfull things...