[Lady-C]

Hi.. My name is Carol I am an in-family adoptee. I was adopted by my grandparents. My birthmother was sent to a HOME for Unwed Mothers and that is where I was born..the year was 1943. My grandparents decided it was the christian thing to keep me in the family. I was never meant to be told and I found out by accident when I was 12yrs old. It was very traumatic. I turned into a wild child.
The whole experience was also very painful for my birthmother who is my legal sister. To this day that is how she sees me and she is just about 80 yrs old. When she came home with me she was told that from then on I was to be her sister. She had no one to talk to, no
where to put it all so she buried it very deep.
I came here to write to you all to tell you it is a good thing you are doing, I am sure in most cases this is best for the child.
In adoptions that are not by relatives people are told that the child should be told they are adopted and told early in life. For some reason many in relative adoptions do not want to tell the child they are adopted.
I have met many adults who did not find out until after there parents died. It was very hurtful to them. Sooner or later the truth will come out. The truth is always the best. Young in life is best and then they think nothing of it.
Thanks for reading. I am sure you all deserve medals for all that you are doing.
hugs-carol

[DCMomLady]

Thanks, Carol, but we don't require any medals for what we do.

I agree with your wish for openness in family adoptions; and the grandparents I know who are raising their grandchildren all agree, too. Thankfully, the secrets that so impacted your family are rarely kept today.

My daughter spends time with her birthmother, my niece, as often as her schedule allows. She chooses to call her by her name but she can remember when they were mother and child. At age 4, my daughter has met many adopted children in literature and movies and she understands pretty well that some families grow by having babies and some grow by adopting them. She herself has "adopted" a cabbage patch baby and the doll's adoption papers are kept in the same lockbox as her own documents.

Isn't it wonderful that we don't have to keep secrets anymore?

DeeCee

[Lady-C]

Thank you for your reply. Secrets and lies are devasting to say the least and not healthy for anyone. I hope I didn't come off wrong.. my heart is good but sometimes the words don't come out right.
I am a senior citizen and most certainly it was so different when I was born and growing up. I am just so sad when I meet young people in the 20's and 30's who
find out as adults that they are adopted.
Last year as a direct result of my posting my story here I got a private post from a lady whose heart was breaking because there was a young man in her family about to turn 18 and he had never been told that he was adopted and that he was an in-family adoptee. As people put off telling the years flew by and then they were afraid to tell, afraid of his reaction.
Something happened the other day I would like to share.
I called my sister/aunt.. I think of her as my aunt even tho legally she is my sister. I finally shared that I never felt loved by Ma and Pa. You will never believe this but I found out that the 5 children they had... have talked about it as adults and they all say the same thing..they never felt loved by Ma and Pa. I am 63 years old and all of this time I have carried that burden that I thought it was because I was adopted and so therefore not wanted and in fact it was just the way they were and it wasn't me at all. gee
Sorry..I have rambled on.
Best to all of you
carol

[InionGrinn]

Carol, thank you so much for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you for having to live with those secrets all around you, I think it is great that you are here to lend support, wisdom and encouragement to others who might read your post.

Thanks, and hugs.

[lifegoestoofast]

thank you for your information. May I ask if you ever felt you were abondoned or was that why you feel you turned into a wild child...I have a similar situation and considered not telling my son..thoughts?

[Lady-C]

I always felt different. I felt alone and lonely. I had 4 sisters and a brother yet I grew up like an only child as they were so much older than I was. I didn't have friends hardly as I was only allowed friends from church.
I grew up in a very religious upbringing. I was 12 yrs old and I was just playing in the nook where Pa had his desk.
He was always sending off for contests. I was just snooping and I found and read a letter that told me that I was adopted. I don't know what I said or did..if I cried or screamed or ran in the other room..I have never been able to remember that. I do remember Pa getting on the phone and the next thing I know my sister Emilie was there and they told me she was my mother... she looked at me and said They adopted you they are your Ma and Pa and she left...so in a very short period of time I got all of this infomation and I do not remember getting even a hug. I felt I can't even explain how bad I felt. So that was why I didn't fit in and everyone was so much older then me.
Every child deserves to know the truth. The truth really does set us free. It is better if it is told with love and at a young age so they think nothing of it.
Why did I turn into a wild child and do the same thing my mother did? I was rebelling from all of the restrictions that were put on me and I was looking for love in all the wrong places.
Write me privately if you would like and I will gladly give you my addy and write to you.
hugs
carol

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by lifegoestoofast

I have a similar situation and considered not telling my son..thoughts?

Please tell your son. Please. If you are afraid he'll feel like an outcast when you tell him, just imagine what he'll feel like as an adult when he finds out what was kept from him his whole life- like his birth history wasn't good enough to be acknowledged.

I would encourage you to start telling him now. Tell him there is more than one way to have a child. You don't have to give him the whole story if the details are too hard, but he needs to know. It doesn't have to be BAD to be adopted, having those big elephants in the room can do so much more damage!

Good luck, keep reading and posting if you need more suggestions on how to get started integrating adoption into your family story.

[Lady-C]

I would like to show you the difference... I told you that as a result of me being a wild child I had a baby and gave him up to adoption as I couldn't raise a baby by myself. I am reunited with my son since 1996. He forgives me and understands my young age. What I really want to say is my son always knew he was adopted.. he don't remember not knowing and he has no adoption issues. He is a normal and very healthy human being...PRAISE GOD!
He was ready to meet me but not replace me..just as it should be. The truth is the only way.
big hugs
carol

[StacyKelly2]

I agree with you 100% sooner or late the truth will come out. Times were different back then, and honestly probably a lot of adopted children did not find out they were adopted until much later on in life. Now we see some of the drastic results from doing that. Maybe back then they felt this was a form of protecting the adopted child, or hiding the fact that a young mom was pregnant. Now times have certainly changed and we know a lot more about the feelings of adopted children. I agree with you in that the truth is always the best way and to view adoption as a most courageous and loving choice...not something that should be hidden. There are so many children's books now about adoption that can really help a child to understand just how much everyone loves them.