[Kate'sMom2B]

I posted this on the open adoption forum before I saw this one...

We have raised my dh's nephew on and off for his first 4 years of life. Our nephew's bio dad, dh's brother, is deceased. Our nephew's mother has been in and out of drug rehab and now is at the point where the court is severing her rights. She is mentally unstable and has never proven to be capable of effective parenting (drunk driving with child, neglect, etc). I might add she also has 2 other daughters, by a different father, and has no custody but visitation is under the father's discretion.

However, now as severence is pretty certain by the court, she now says she is willing to voluntarily relinquish the child to us (he is currently living with us again), in the hopes she will be granted liberal visitation rights.

We will be having a meeting to discuss this in 2 weeks. We have 3 other adopted children who were adopted internationally, so open adoption is a new experience for us.

My question is, at his age (just turned 4), what do you think we should expect in terms of visitation? I am concerned because it almost seems like she wants to be a co-parent of sorts, and I think it's important that he learn that WE are his family. She keeps saying things like, "I will ALWAYS be his mother, nothing can change that." So she does feel threatened by this. And I guess I do too.

I believe she will be requesting monthly visitation after the adoption (she lives 5 hours drive away from us). I am thinking more like once a year? And what about contact? I know that she will want to call him frequently, probably once per week. Again, I am thinking much less frequently, maybe a few times a year on holidays or something?

So, while I know contact is important to him since he does have a bond with her, I also feel that for his sake he needs to realize we are his family and parents now. I am trying to decide what is in my nephew's best interest. Sometimes he becomes extremely angry and upset during and after her phone calls...attacking walls, hiding, screaming, hiding under a desk and crying, for instance.

Any advice or opinions appreciated (please be gentle!).

[Jensboys]

We adopted our sons at the ages of 3 and 4 so all those behaviors sound VERY familiar

Here is what we did with openness in regards to their former foster parents, and what you might consider - and yes, she IS one of his mothers, and will be a part of his life forever, so taking that into consideration is certainly important - but also, due to the neglect and her issues, you want to ensure that contact is not detrimental. We allowed all initial contact to be dictated by the boys because we knew WITHOUT a shadow of a doubt that the fmom would be supportive of their transition and of us as parents. So if the kids wanted to talk to her every second day, we called. Slowly, it decreased.

I would suggest that you offer contact with her monthly - for example, you send her a minimum of 3 pictures and an update letter once a month for the first year, and bimonthly for the second year, and every 3 months the third year, every 4 months the next 10 years That way SHE knows he is ok, and she has the opportunity to respond in letter format the same. With letters, you also have the ability to screen for appropriate wording - which is far harder on the phone.

You might suggest direct contact at your discretion - possibly once a month (phone) or bi-yearly visits with specific guidelines. For example, a clean drug test. Or the visits supervised by a therapist.

I would also suggestt that you have a mechanism in place for negotiating change. Have her know that this is the MINIMUM you are willing to agree to, but are open to further discussion and he adjusts and heals, and she grows and changes.

Jen

[Kate'sMom2B]

Thanks for your response.

Dh and I have talked and at this point we are not comfortable with so much contact, for Wyatt's sake especially. One thing I forgot to mention is we feel there are attachment issues with our nephew...so he needs to attach to us firmly and frequent contact with her will hinder this. Also, she called up drunk yesterday, so that's a whole other issue there.

Again, thanks for the suggestions.

[Hadley2]

You have many years to go and my own feeling is that anything legally binding that requires lawyers or a court to change is too much. You need to be able to make decisions based on your child's needs in the moment, not scheduled out three months for a hearing.

Any help you can get from your local agency re supervising visits will make your life easier and actually might make keeping the family connection easier. You might also look into requiring the mother to pay for supervision services.

We are fostering a niece. We have been pressured by the agency to supervise visitation by phone and in person when the parents made the trip. I don't know why agencies think it is OK to dump this on relatives--it is MUCH harder and often almost impossible to supervise visits effectively when you are trying to maintain any sense of family connectedness and normalcy in your interactions. Parents are WAY more likely to start up arguments in front of their child with a relative than with a caseworker. I really think that "leaving it to the family" is much more likely to destroy the family relationship than if these things were managed by a third party.

That said, relatives are often expected to do this duty.

Supervising by phone is extremely difficult--you must talk with the parent(s) for several minutes to see if they are coherent enough to speak to their child. Then you have to listen in on an extension (mute buttons are great) and have a handy list of polite interrupters for when the conversation gets inappropriate. You will need to document all days, times, length of calls and at least the general content as well as specific details of any inappropriate speech, which includes anything that makes your child uncomfortable or interferes with his attachment to you (comments like "you know I'm your real mother, right?..." fall into that category) and any erratic behaviors or speech.

Supervising face-to-face visits is likewise extremely difficult. You must keep everyone in view at the least, hopefully always be in earshot. No alone time and vigilance is key. This is really hard to do, especially if you have other children to parent at the same time. The parent will resent this, no doubt, from you while they may accept it better from a third party. We just finished a visit and it was a nightmare event though the parents were fairly well behaved. At one point, we took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese's, expecting that the door security would be helpful. Instead of matching ID numbers as they are supposed to do, however, the attendant asked our foster daughter "Is that your mother?" She said yes and they sailed right out the door!!

The point, I guess, is that supervising visits is much, much harder and more complicated for a relative than for agency personnel. Be very careful of what you actually promise; even if it is not legally binding, broken promises hurt the giver as well as the receiver and there would be fallout for your nephew, too.

[DCMomLady]

There is the issue of whether you even want to let her relinquish to you or instead force her to go through with the state's planned TPR. I would recommend you not get in the way of the TPR action. Private (family) arrangements, even those that are confirmed by a court, are more difficult to enforce and may be easier to overturn. If the state follows through with the TPR, everything will be well-documented, on-the-record and bmom's every right to see or speak to your child will be terminated by law. The court may also issue a restraining order that prevents her from attempting to contact your son or disturbing your family in any way.

After you adopt, you and your husband will be the only judge of who can see your child and under what circumstances. And that's the way it should be, I think.

I hope that all of you will have the future that you truly deserve. Good luck, Kate'sMom.

[hotspice58]

That said, relatives are often expected to do this duty.

I'm fost/adopting 2 brothers and I've supervised visits with the bmom. I think it's more budgetary - not enough workers to supervise.

Kate'smom: expect acting out after they talk/visit with bmom. My 2 boys are fine until they talk to bmom. Especially, my older one: loud outbursts and anger from loss. I'll be talking to her and cutting down on the phone calls until he's more comfortable.

[momraine]

What about telling the mother that this should be a time for her to focus on her. This is often effective with people who are a little self centered to begin with. Tell her that you want her to not worry about him and to take care of herself and get herself well. You can tell her that when she is clean and sober and has herself together you can talk about visits.