[ruthnbobbyg]

In mid-January my husband and I found out his stepmother (in her 30's) is pregnant (dad is 51). They did not discover she was pregnant until she was 6 months along. After the initial shock, they decided they did not want to keep the baby (to add background: he has been in and out of prison a few times and was never around for any of his kids, she smokes and has been known to party a lot). They have asked us to adopt the baby and we have happily said yes (have been trying for a baby with no luck, my insurance does not cover infertility). We are so excited and everything has been going well until my mother-in-law (the dad's ex-wife) decided to weigh in. She has flat out told us that she would accept any other baby in her family but not this one, and that she wants nothing to do with the child. She has said very hurtful things to my husband about how he is choosing his father over her and how her "investment in my sons has not paid off." She has dragged up every last hurtful thing Bobby's father said to her and did and thrown it back in his face. She has told my husband that he is not fit to be a father and that he us unstable.

Have any of you had to deal with a relative basically disowning you for adopting another relative's child? This is so painful for us in a time that should be so exciting.

[heartened]

I have never been in your situation, however, I have been in the situation of being married to a man whose mother behaved in a very similar manner.

My ex-mother-in-law was a great deal like you're describing. This woman is punishing you and your husband because of her jealousy over her ex-husband and his wife.

I'm sorry, but the only response to this is simple:
"If you want nothing to do with our child, you can have nothing to do with us either." Don't give her the chance to even ONCE say something hurtful in the presence of that innocent babe. And she will, they always do. In the end, the one who will truly be punished by her is your baby. One of the (many) reasons my ex and I ended up divorced was because he could not bring himself to tell his mother to stop - he allowed her to say and do some very hurtful things in the presence of our children. In my presence was bad enough, but I could deal with that. In front of my children? Never.

As a parent, your first and most important responsibility is to protect your child. It is sad that you have to protect him/her from your mother-in-law.

[Howdy]

There is a book called Toxic Parents that is full of stories like that. It is by a therapist and has explanations of how to handle parents that act that way (sorry I don't remember anything specific, but I remember that it was a really good book and I hope my dd reads it when she is older, she had really toxic bparents). The same author has another book called "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You", I haven't read it so can't say whether it is good or not.

[LadyBugz]

Susan Forward also wrote Toxic In-Laws on top of Toxic Parents.

My in-laws are toxic.

My husband is a wonderful husband. He somehow turned to jelly when it came to standing up to his mom. Really, he didn't even see what she was doing, and when he saw it, he didn't understand that it was wrong, and when he understood it was wrong, he didn't feel like he was in a position to do anything about it.

Toxic In-Laws was a turning point in that pattern. It made a huge difference in our lives. He finally saw her for what she was and was able to start taking a more proactive role.

Your will be adopting your husband's half-brother. Your mother-in-law doesn't see this child as your husband's brother, but as an "it." A product of a man she hates and a woman she most likely has a few colorful words for, too. She cannot get past her past hurts to be able to see the innocent child at the end of it all. Her loss.

It does really hurt to have such a bitter and hateful person overwhelming you during such a joyous time. Limit your contact with her to the bare minimum social occassions (assuming she can be polite so long as the topic isn't discussed) and surround yourselves with other people who WILL be happy for you. The more people in your lives who counter her biterness, the easier it will be for you to see that she is the one with a problem.

[mj77]

I think this mother-in-law has already made her choice. You can't make someone accept someone else. I would not let her prevent you from moving forward with this baby. Ultimately it will be her loss when she doesn't get to see her grandchildren grow up. I know that sounds harsh. I've been in a similar situation so I do understand.

[scarlet52698]

Weighing in as an adopted child who was considered an "it" by extended family. Please think long and hard before you bring the baby into this situation. I can not even begin to describe the damage that can be done to a child's soul growing up in such a situation.

Any exposure to a person like that could be devestating for the child and would you or your DH be willing to completely sever ties with his mom?

Please think of what's best for the child, they are the only one in the situation who have no choice in the matter.

[reva_cherese]

I know exactly how you feel. Years ago when we adopted our daughter, my mother in law made it very obvious and very plain that she didn't approve.

Now my mother was the exact opposite. In fact, sometimes I think she likes her granddaughter better than me...her own baby girl.

But, mother in laws can be terrible. The things you need to consider...are your parents supportive? will this child have other supportive grandparents to be there?

My parents have more than compensated...and amazingly my mother in law has finally come around with our second little guy.

He'll be a year old in a month...and she has made it very plain that she is willing to work at being a better grandma. Going so far as to volunteer to babysit once in a while.

It was very hard for a few years I wouldn't go around her with my daughter knowing her feelings.

My husband and I agreed that we wouldn't expose our daughter to her negativity...and it was hard for him to be apart from her because they had been so close...but eventually she came around.

You just need to make sure that your husband is in this with you 100%. If he has doubts...you don't want this to affect your marriage and future.

Children deserve to have every opportunity..and it is your job to protect them...so be very open and honest, if she doesn't agree...well she might just need to lump it.

Enjoy this time...getting ready for baby is soo exciting!

[kdetanner]

Originally Posted by ruthnbobbyg

In mid-January my husband and I found out his stepmother (in her 30's) is pregnant (dad is 51). They did not discover she was pregnant until she was 6 months along. After the initial shock, they decided they did not want to keep the baby (to add background: he has been in and out of prison a few times and was never around for any of his kids, she smokes and has been known to party a lot). They have asked us to adopt the baby and we have happily said yes (have been trying for a baby with no luck, my insurance does not cover infertility). We are so excited and everything has been going well until my mother-in-law (the dad's ex-wife) decided to weigh in. She has flat out told us that she would accept any other baby in her family but not this one, and that she wants nothing to do with the child. She has said very hurtful things to my husband about how he is choosing his father over her and how her "investment in my sons has not paid off." She has dragged up every last hurtful thing Bobby's father said to her and did and thrown it back in his face. She has told my husband that he is not fit to be a father and that he us unstable.

Have any of you had to deal with a relative basically disowning you for adopting another relative's child? This is so painful for us in a time that should be so exciting.

It sounds like she might be jelouse. I think that you and your husband should sit down with her and ask her why she is so upset by this... I mean the real reasons. She sounds like her ex husband has hurt her and she is very bitter about it... I mean wouldnt you be? Basically you and your husband are adopting your husband step brother and I can see where that can be hurtful. I still think that you should adopt this child because he/she is a part of your family. Who knows what would happen if you diddnt! Good luck!