[Mommy2Sean]

I adopted my sister's baby (Sean) at birth. While she was pregnant, she gave me custody of my nephew (Nathan), who was 7 at the time. Since she told me she never intended to take Nathan back, we have raised the boys as brothers.

Now my sister wants custody of Nathan, who is now 10. He wants to go live with her, so I have decided not to stand in the way. However, he wants to take Sean with him (the one I adopted) and doesn't understand why he can't, since Sean grew in his mom's belly. I have tried to explain that Sean is mine forever and will never go back to his bmom (over my dead body) but I am not sure he understands.

I am also really concerned about Sean and how he will deal with "losing his brother." Sean is 28 months old and LOVES Nathan. I know he will be devastated. . .

[stepadoptionblog]

Is it possible that they start out with visits first, slowly making them longer so that both children can adjust to the change at a slow and acceptable pace? I would definetly get the ten year old into counseling to help him deal with all that is going on.

[Mommy2Sean]

Unfortunately my sister lives in New Mexico and I live in Florida. . . so "easing into it" isn't really going to be possible.

Also, the 10 year old has been in counseling since he has lived with me. His therapist has recommended several more visits with his mom before the big move, but she wasn't receptive. I'm sure eventually I will figure out what she will be getting out of the situation, and why she is so interested in taking care of him now when she hasn't ever been before.

[Hadley2]

I apologize in advance if this reply seems a little blunt. When getting static from child and original parents, I know it can be easy to think--fine, let's just be done with this. But I don't really think we can.

You haven't been babysitting for three years. You took responsibility for both of these boys--she assured you then she would not try to get him back. You say the younger one would only go "over my dead body." Why? What is so bad and why doesn't it apply to the older one as well? What is the difference between the boys aside from what stage of their lives they came into your life?

She put him in your care to keep him safe, partly at the least, to keep him safe from her or her inability to take care of him properly. He has been with you three years. You are mom whether you only have legal custody or not. He needs you to do what's right and safe for him, not just his brother.

You probably have more rights in this situation than you realize--as long as the boy is in your custody in another state. You may be able to get him freed for adoption in FL. At least find out by calling your local SS agency. In the meantime, be VERY careful about where you take him and be sure you have your custody papers with you!

It seems likely that if all you have now is legal custody of the older boy and you send him back, it would be difficult if not impossible to undo it. That could easily be a tragedy you would never forgive yourself for. At 10, he has no clue what he is getting himself into or the irreversibility of it. Kids--esp. boys pre- age 25--just don't have the brain connections to understand life choices. He probably doesn't even really understand how far away he'd be, how his relationship to you would change, etc. Clearly he doesn't or he would get the part about his brother not coming along. He may also be testing you to see if you care.

All things being equal--a safe, stable home life with you--he really doesn't have the wherewithal to make such a decision. Children depend on us to make such decisions in their best interest. You don't know what is going on with your sister, so how can you possibly judge that this is in his best interest?

Wouldn't you stand in his way if he wanted to jump in front of a speeding car? How do you know that this is not the same thing?

Before making this decision, why don't you visit your sister--staying at a hotel if at all possible--to see what is going on. Don't take the kids into an unknown situation, either; check it out yourself first.

Find out her income source--if she claims to have a job, do you see her going to it? Find out if she is on drugs or drinking, whatever the problem was the first time around. Addicts are good at covering up and hiding but there are usually signs--and the absence of signs; if she had a problem but doesn't seem to be attending a 12-step, be suspicious. Look for signs of a boyfriend, husband or partner and see what that relationship looks like. In other words, investigate her the way any other placing parent would investigate a prospective adoptive parent--actually much more so. She declared herself unfit to raise these children three years ago, she should have to prove herself triply now.

Also, I really think that if she has a responsible interest in having him back, she would come visit him--many times--before uprooting him. Yes, it would be inconvenient and expensive, but kids are, aren't they? If she's not willing to do even that for his good, how willing could she be to do the things parents do for their kids??

That is, if she wants to be a parent, see if she's willing to do something parental. At that, would she consider moving for him so that he can continue to have his brother and all of you in his life?

If she does have her life in hand, she may be acting more out of guilt than actual responsible desire for her child. Talk with her, try to find out the motivation for all this. Try to help her to understand that she can't just pick up where she left off--this boy has a whole life--parents, brother, friends, school, activities, sense of place and identity, that he worked hard on creating for the last three years. He would be giving up all that just as he is entering adolescence based on her promise of reform and real commitment to keeping him and raising him responsibly. Is she willing to think about and do what is best for him or is she just acting out of want and guilt? She can't come into it only prepared and determined to "try it out"--she must be determined and demonstrably able to follow through.

If she really isn't, and if you adopted him, would she consider reconnecting with him by having him visit for school vacations?

This is why I don't think we relatives should even have the option of only taking legal custody. After a year, it should be adoption--all kids deserve an unconditional forever home, not just those who don't have family to take them in.

I seem to be rambling and this may read more judgmental than I mean it to be. Again, I'm sorry if it does. I just think that people, including ourselves sometimes, too often view relatives as some sort of parking lot for kids. Well, kids aren't cars and we aren't storage facilities. You've spent three years rebuilding this kid's life and ego, you don't have to toss him that easily just because sis came calling. Good luck, I know it will be difficult no matter what you do.

[stepadoptionblog]

I wonder why she isn't interested in visiting first, especially if it is reccomended by his counselor?! And good for you for putting him in counseling since day one! You are really looking out for him. Are you sure that him going back is what is best for him? I know that he says that he wants to go back, but I will share a story with you.

When my stepson first came into my life, his birth mother was still in and out of the picture. Once she found out about me, she jumped back in out of sheer jealousy more than anything else. When he was about ten, and I was pregnant, and hormonal (LOL) he wanted to go back and live with her. My husband pondered the idea for a while, until I asked him, did you every consider that he wanted you to say no? All his life he has been shuffled from one house to another at his own whim of I want to live here now, and NO ONE ever fought for him, stood up for him, and said I WANT YOU. So we decided to give it a test. We agreed between the two of us that if we told him no, and he still really wanted to go, we would give it a shot, even knowing it wasn't what was best for him. BUT if he just agreed, than that was that and no more moves period. Well once we told him no, the nasty send me away behavior stopped that day. He said "oh, okay" when he was told, and was happier than I had seen him in a long time. His birth mother ended up walking out on him for good maybe a year later. Had he gone to live with her it would have been a terrible error, and deep down I had known it, and that is why I did my best to talk my husband out of it. And now I am glad that I did.

If your sister is not willing to do visits, she isn't willing to do what is best for the child, who has essentially become your child in these past three years. It has been three years, so why the big sudden rush now? If you have legal custody of the child, you hold more power than your sister does in this situation. Have you talked to your nephew as to why he wants to go back? Is his mom filling his head with empty promises? We went through that as well, and were advised to start taping the phone calls, and you wouldn't believe the emotional abuse she put him through on the phone, the huge empty promises she made, it was awful.

I can understand you wanting what is best for this child, but have you reallly sat down and thought about what that is? Is it safe for him to go back? You two live so far apart you will never get to see him, he will never get to see his brother. I think you need to really talk to your sister, and you really need to talk to a lawyer.