[AdrienneG]

We are potential adoptive parents.


The pbmom and her mother contaced my husband and I saying they wish for us to adopt her baby. The pbmom is 14 years old and is my first cousin. Her mother is my aunt.


We have a lawyer who will handle the adoption, since she specializes in interstate adoptions.

What my concerns are the pbmom wants this to be an open adoption, and so does my husband and I. However, her mother has not yet reported to the family (to the other aunt and cousins) that her child is pregnant and that we are planning on adopting her child.

I personally feel that it is her child, and thus her choice as to when she will break the news to everyone.

At the same time I am not intentionally keeping secrets from my family. Since we live far across the country from the pbmom, there is no way we are a part of what is going on with the family dynamics.

Our lawyer is going to look for the pbfather so that he has a say in this adoption. (one thing we are nervous about) The pbirth father vanished to another state from the pbirth mother.

My mother and sister have not been supportive of this adoption. When I share with them updates on our plans to adopt, their response has been to say that the pbmom's mother doesn't speak to them, and that she treats me differently than them, and that the pbmom's mother is keeping the pregnancy a secret from family members.

The two of them have claimed to not have spoken with the pbmom's mother, and have said they wanted me to inform them of the adoption proceedings...and when I tell them, they change the subject to their own problems and issues with the pbmom's mother.

I finally got angry and told them they need to talk directly to the pbmom's mother, because I cannot control her actions. I told my sister that it was obvious when I was sharing with her what we're doing to adopt this child, and how things are going with the pbmom's health and wellbeing and the baby's health, she brought up her own issues with the pbirth grandmother, instead of listened to me and shared in my joy.

My mother and sister have yet to acknowledge that this adoption is not about them...it is about this baby needing a home and this child who is in an unplanned pregnancy.

Have you experienced this yourself? Dissent and opinions in the family against your adopting a child?

My main concern is that we find the pbfather. I want him to at least have the information that he has a child that is going to be placed for adoption. I would rather the pbfather has the information to decide if he wants to raise the child himself or agree to the adoption. I would not prefer that his rights are terminated because they can't find him, yet I accept that this could happen. I feel strongly that both pbparents should have the chance to have a say the baby's adoption.

The pbirth mother wants me to adopt her child. She had been thinking about this since she found out about her pregnancy the day before our grandmother died.

I spoke with her many times and asked if she was sure, and she is very admant (spelling?) that she wants us to adopt her child.

She has been doing so well in school, her debate team won second place, and her teachers are aware of her pregnancy and her plans for us to adopt her baby. She has been getting prenatal care and has a social worker because she is determined for her child to be adopted by us, instead of ending up in the foster care system. She decided she did not want her older sister to care for her child as a guardian. She has gone through all her options and wants us to adopt her child.

Thanks for listening. Any feedback, suggestions would be helpful.

P.S. Thanks for the PM letting me know I was using the wrong language. I am new but luckily I learn fast!

Sincerely,
Adrienne

[Snugglebug]

How wonderful that you are going to adopt this little one! We are adopting my husbands cousin's baby as well. Unfortunately it is not an open adoption because bmom is a drug addict and the baby was taken by cps. We have had her since she was 3 months old and we love her every bit as much as our bio sons. And she is spoiled because she is our only girl!

I experienced some negativity from my family when we told them we were getting custody of the baby. Some of it was because I come from a family of only two kids, and my mom could not believe we were going to have another baby in the house! But we also got comments about the baby being a "crack baby" (she tested negative at birth and is developmentally on target) and even some racist comments because she is 1/4 black, which were REALLY unexpected. I told my mom and brother that I would not tolerate any negative comments about MY baby and that if they could not keep thier comments to themselves, I would not bring my kids around them at all.

I think some of the negativity from my brother was jealousy (he had the only girl in our family), and my Mom later admitted that she was afraid the baby would go back to the bparents and I would be crushed. Now that we have had the baby for 6+ months, they are totally in love with her and only see her as our child. Hopefully this will be the case with your family as well.

As far as who in the family should know, I think you are right to let your Aunt handle that for now. It is not your responsiblillity to call your entire family and let them know what is going on.

I hope that your attorney is able to find the birth father, I know the adoption could take longer if they can not find him. And it would be nice for your future child to have some information about him.

Hopefully when you have your little bundle home your family will fall in love with him/her just like you will!

[AdrienneG]

Thanks for sharing Snugglebug,

I am not on speaking terms with my mother and sister (but that could change in time if they are willing to meet me halfway) because I learned from speaking with them that they are not able to understand where I am coming from in looking forward to this adoption.

The sad part is that they are not in communication with my aunt, and my mother is in the same city as my aunt and my sister is 45 minutes train ride away, and I'm all the way across the country.

I am leaving them to stew in their own issues...because I have a whole 'nother fish to fry in my own household! Baby supplies are arriving and talks with the husband on getting the room ready, and when the amby baby will arrive at our house, and how we are going to coordinate things with our lawyer and my trip to the state to get permission for the baby to be relinquished to me, the home study et cetera.

Everyone who has adopted knows exactly what I am talking about.

Thanks again for sharing!

Sincerely,
AdrienneG

[Snugglebug]

I am so sorry that you don't have the support of your mother and sister, but it sounds like you know what is best for you and your immediate family. I read one of your posts that said you had started the adoption process before you were contacted by your cousin. The same thing happened to us! We have 3 boys and decided that we would try to adopt a little girl. Right after we filled out the initial paperwork we found out that our cousin had a baby and she was in foster care waiting for someone to pick her up! It was amazing, I don't think I had ever had such a CLEAR answer to my prayers before.

Have fun getting your nursery together and "nesting"!

I was wondering what part of CA you are in? We are in the Inland Empire area.

[AdrienneG]

Yes thank you, I am thrilled. I feel my family will just have to tend to their own gardens until they're ready to come to me and talk with me. In the meantime I finally got the Amby baby together on my own, washed the bedding and its in our room ready. I just feel very honored that my cousin even wants us to adopt and parent her baby.


Im in Orange County. I really appreciate that we have this forum cuz I can talk to others who are going through the same things I am who can give me insight into the adoption process...because we want to go into it with an awareness and a sensitivity that honors the pbparents and the child that may be adopted.

[Lynard1210]

Snugglebug,

That is truly amazing that your baby was waiting for you in foster care! And you guys didn't even know it? I would love to hear your story . . I bet it is interesting.

I wanted a girl for years after miscarriages and God answered my prayers too!! She is so beautiful. I can't go anywhere without somebody telling me she has the prettiest blue eyes! It happened again today when I went to vote.

[Snugglebug]

You are lucky to have such a unique perspective on adoption, being an adoptive mother and an adoptee. I bet you will know exactly what to say to your daughter as she grows up. I worry about that all the time!

Our story is amazing and typical of alot of foster parents. We had 3 beautiful sons but I had always wanted a daughter too. My mother and I have a great bond and I always wanted to share that with my own daughter. After number 3 we decided that adoption would be the best was to guarantee a girl and we had always talked about adopting - even before we were married. After doing a little research and finding out the wait for a girl could take 2 years or more we decided to start the paperwork sooner rather than later. Easter was shortly after that and while we were at my in laws house we found out that my husband's cousin had had ANOTHER baby. This was her 5th. Three were placed with her mom and dad and one was with another grandmother. Our little girl was placed in foster care and grandma finally decided that they could just not take care of anymore children, so they would not persue custody. As soon as we heard about the baby I KNEW with every fiber of my being that I wanted her. The next day we called her cw and said we wanted custody of her, a day after that we visited her in her foster home (which was AMAZING, with an AMAZING family). A few weeks later she was home with us, and her adoption should be finalized in April. It was just amazing! I call her my little Easter miracle.

I also did my civic duty today and voted. Our polling place was in a church and when I told my 6 year old son that he said "are we going to vote for Jesus?". LOL it was so cute.

[Lynard1210]

Snugglebug,

That is a great story!! I read it to my husband. I was pretty shocked that this was your cousin's 5th baby. The birthmom to my baby (her 1st) is pregnant again (got pregnant right away again) and is still in the same position as she was during the 1st pregnancy. I'm praying her mom doesn't adopt because let's just say, she wasn't the greatest parent in the world, which is why her daughter has so many problems. I'm praying for that baby because we cannot protect this child as the birthmom has cut us off. Thanks for sharing your story!

[AdrienneG]

Thanks for sharing your stories! One thing I remind myself is that while I am thrilled to adopt this baby and thrilled that the birth mom wants us to be this child's parents, adoption doesn't cure family problems and issues that are happening with the birth mom. The best I can do is support her and encourage her and handle things ethically.

[Mom2J]

Hello AdrienneG,

I'm a relative placement of my cousin's child and we've been in this for 2-years. It will change the family dynamics, but there's no reason why this can't work out wonderfully. I'll try to answer many of your questions, through the paragraphs.

Originally Posted by AdrienneG

We are potential adoptive parents.

What my concerns are the pbmom wants this to be an open adoption, and so does my husband and I. However, her mother has not yet reported to the family (to the other aunt and cousins) that her child is pregnant and that we are planning on adopting her child.

I personally feel that it is her child, and thus her choice as to when she will break the news to everyone.

Yes, this information is not for you to tell. Your family will know that you're adopting, but there's no reason to say who the bmom is. It already sounds like you're very open when talking about this child being adopted, so that's all the information you really need to say. Let the bmom tell the extended family if that is her choice. You must respect her wishes on this decision.

Have you experienced this yourself? Dissent and opinions in the family against your adopting a child?

Actually, most of the family is supporting us on the adoption of this child, including bmom's family. They're petrified that the bmom would ever get her hands on this one or her other children, because of her instability. The bmom was supporting us adopting also, until some "family issues" came to light and now she's blaming us for them, so she contested the adoption because of it. (Whole other thread for this stuff. LOL)

My main concern is that we find the pbfather. I want him to at least have the information that he has a child that is going to be placed for adoption. I would rather the pbfather has the information to decide if he wants to raise the child himself or agree to the adoption. I would not prefer that his rights are terminated because they can't find him, yet I accept that this could happen. I feel strongly that both pbparents should have the chance to have a say the baby's adoption.
Sincerely,
Adrienne

The PBfather is a VERY important person in this adoption plan. I would definitely have pbmom try to contact him and speak with him about this. If he's willing, also speak with him regarding an open adoption. He needs to know and make an informed decision, not one made in haste or out of anger at pbmom.

You are very right, that an adoption won't cure family problems or issues with pbmom, but it can add a whole lot of other dimensions to deal with. Just take them all in stride and know that you're making the right choices for your family, this child, and the pbparents. Good luck and let us know how it's going.

Mom2J

[AdrienneG]

I wanted to post an update.

My sister apologized to me for all the stress she may have caused me with her original resistence of this adoption. Her change of heart came after she spoke with an older woman who adopted her grandchild and quit her job to form an agency to help families who are adopting a relative.

My cousin is all of 14 years old and the boy is nowhere to be found. She only knows his first name and that he moved to North Carolina. This is where our lawyer would come in in trying to track him down.

My parents are thrilled about this adoption and realized that things will be ok.

My cousin and her 23 year old sister and I are all on the same page. When I am in town I will be speaking with my family about this adoption to formally announce it.... we are not an extended family not in a nuclear sense...so it would be impossible (and silly) to hide this pregnancy or the adoption in itself...especially when its family that I interact with, and especially considering genetics, the baby is gonna look like her if he doesnt look like his dad.


It is an open adoption...which the pbmom and I feel is a healthy thing for the baby and for her and I...and she does want to everyone to know about this. She has been very adamant that she wants us to adopt this baby.

It really is her decision, and I cannot honor her mother's paranoia by keeping things a secret. We are just thrilled.

Thanks for sharing how things were for your adoption experience.

--AdrienneG

[Lynard1210]

[quote=AdrienneG]I wanted to post an update.

My sister apologized to me for all the stress she may have caused me with her original resistence of this adoption. Her change of heart came after she spoke with an older woman who adopted her grandchild and quit her job to form an agency to help families who are adopting a relative.

I am glad to hear things are better for your family. I would be interested in hearing more about the grandmother who formed an agency to help families who are adopting a relative. I am wanting to get involved with something like this. Do you know the name of the agency?

Thanks,

[AdrienneG]

My sister didnt mention the name of the agency but I can look into it.