[elisabethlandry]

my husband and i adopted my brothers child five years ago with my brothers consent. the mom tried to fight us but the court ruled in our favor. i have had custody of our son since he was a year old. he is now almost 12. my brother is a drug addict and schizophrenic, the mother has three daughters, one older whom i had custody of for a few years, and two younger, then our son. our son is aware of the adoption and of his birth parents. he suffers from major attitude problems and behavior issues. he sees my brother quite often and spent time with his mom and sisters and her boyfriend over spring. i feel in my soul that he will never let me be his mom. he refers to me as his step-mom and in a recent tantrum called his real mom to come get him. does anyone ever give up? or give in? what mistakes have i made? i try every day to love this child which i do, but he won't let me. he doesn't want to be here. he doesn't like our family rules, what can we do?

[ALI143]

He just sounds really angry and hurt. He's got a lot of reason to be, but it's not caused by you so why does he direct at you? Because you're the safest person. If he yelled at his bmom and demanded answers from her or bdad they could easily walk away from him. Again.
Do you have an experienced adoption counsler? It'll only get worse as the teen years approach.

[elisabethlandry]

thanks ali, i have four biological kids, and one stepson. I am a great mother, but there is something inside of me that keeps saying he needs to go home. i have raised him well, he knows right from wrong, whether he chooses right from wrong is an issue. there's a part of me that needs to let him go. there is so much psychological damage that goes with caring for a child born of drug addiction. i'm tired. it's been 12 long years. three steps up, four steps back. is it possible that this is what he needs to feel like he belongs and is loved. imagine knowing your mother kept your sisters but let you go. i am so torn right now and confused. and i will not make any irrational decisions. i love him dearly and will do as his mom, what i feel is best for him. thanks for your support. we do have help with counselors and psychologists. we're just at a possible turning point.

[ALI143]

You know him better than anyone right now. And if you know it's time to let him return home and know he'll be taken care of then you know what is best for him. I hope you get the support you need to make his transition about meeting his needs so he knows it's not someone letting him go again. Of all the people I know that have had to choose to relinquish all feel such grieving for the child, for the dream for the lost time and effort. When I was 12 I couldn't stand my mom. Finally she let me go live with my dad and I was back within a year. (Ultimately I did leave again at 15 and never moved back home.) I couldn't love or appreciate my mom fully till I was grown up, but letting me leave and assuring me she still loves me helped a lot. I did heal myself from the anger of my childhood and circumstances, but my 30 year old sisters still have not.

I hope it works out well for your family too you; deserve peace,

[Lynard1210]

What a difficult situation you face and no matter which way you choose, you will face either the pain of his unhappiness or the pain of feeling like you lost him. Have you seen the movie "The Deep End of the Ocean." I like when the family finally realizes they have to let their son go and do, with great pain. He ends up coming back but only because he chooses to. It is a beautiful story.
I wish you peace in your decision,

[Lynard1210]

What a difficult situation you face and no matter which way you choose, you will face either the pain of his unhappiness or the pain of feeling like you lost him. Have you seen the movie "The Deep End of the Ocean." I like when the family finally realizes they have to let their son go and do, with great pain. He ends up coming back but only because he chooses to. It is a beautiful story.
I wish you peace in your decision,

[Mared2chuck]

Hi

I just wanted to say that I understand how tired you are. I have a similar situation with my daughter... I think the fact that your son has some place to go is a big factor. my daugher lives with my ex at the moment. She was punished for lying and running off to a party to get caught drinking.. The next evening she ran away. It took us 4 days to find her. Since then i have refused to let her come home. This is the second time she has done this because she dosen't like our rules. she is my bd I have a bs and an as. I am determined that I will not let her ruin my oldests son's last few years at home and I will not finacially support her either. I do talk to her but will not give her money or buy her new clothing and such. since she ran from my home and wanted to live with her bio father he can support her in the matter into which she has become accustomed. I love her but I think that hard love is the only way to get through sometimes. I wish you the best. Just remember it isn't you, but the fact that this child thinks he has the option to not live by rules. He will see.
Take care
L

[pattiboo26]

i dont know but i have to say maybe letting contact with his b-family was a mistake. I feel kids are torn. If you allow them to see the b-family they automatic have a feeling of rejection from them becuase they dont want them or they would be with them and not u. So, wouldn't that make him take out all his angry in u.

I think if his life was just u and your husband u would be his only family and maybe he would feel more love???

what do u think? I am tell u my story if u like...

[Hadley2]

Well, clearly he can't go to bdad, and I wonder if bmom really wants him 24/7/365? It's easy to be the fun, hero mom on an occasional, uncommitted basis, but we all know doing it for real is a different story. She may talk big, you didn't really say, because she thinks it would never happen, but if confronted with a boy bearing suitcases and boxes, may suddenly change her mind....

Also, I'd just bet big sisters wouldn't be thrilled, either.

As for financial support, the legal parents of any child must support him regardless of where he lives. Better to set up a private agreement and document payments to the caregiver (not the child) than to be sued and have it garnished.

Realities and practicalities aside, how painful for you. One of the hardest things about parenting a relative's child or a foster (or one in the same, as we are) is always knowing that someplace in their little hearts, we will always be second-best to their dreams and wishes for their first family, all fixed and normal and happy.

You are in a hard place, my heart goes out to you.

[Lady-C]

I am an in-family adoptee..adopted by my grandparents.
My legal sister is my natural mother. In my heart of hearts since I found out, I have always thought of her as my mother. There is an invisible bond there.

You have adopted your nephew. His mother, your brother's ex-wife fought you in court but lost. Your brother has a mental illness... a schizophrenic, which is a most terrible illness and I believe sometimes they do turn to drug addiction as a way of self medicating. A friend of mine was married to a schizophrenic and he was an alcoholic, she went through terrible trauma before they finally seperated. I don't want to make any waves here but did anyone ever think that this woman might have needed help and support to keep her children?

Bottom line here the way I see it is the mother of this boy did not want to give up her son, she fought in court and lost. There is a bond between mother and child.

I wish you the wisdom to know what the right thing is to do for this child.

carol
in-family adoptee
reunited natural mom 1996

[mommyonemoretime2]

And the beat goes on.