[AngelsMommy]

I'm new here but need some advice. Quick rundown: My husband and I have 2 daughters ages 7 1/2 and almost 10. We've been trying to have more for almost 4 years.. unexplained infertility. We are both more than willing to adopt a healthy child under 3, but aren't ready to tackle the major costs involved with stranger-adoption. Both girls have been begging/praying for at least 2 more siblings for the entire time we've been trying to conceive. Our family is all white european descent, as well as our entire extended family with the exception of my brother's Korean wife.

My sister is the youngest of 6 children, and just turned 22. She is in the Marine Corps currently but with recent events she may be discharged (not honorably). She has never been married and has an 11 month old daughter. She was engaged to the father, got pregnant on purpose, then told the father she had miscarried and wanted to break it off. I don't know the father (she was on a base at the time) but I do know he is unaware of the baby. He was also white european descent. My sister transferred to a base near my parents during her pregnancy.. my parents were unhappy about the pregnancy but bent over backwards to help her in every way (made it too easy imo). When the baby (girl) was 7 months old my sister moved in with a guy she just met. He is a black man (hence bi-ethnic baby) also a Marine, and we recently found out not only does he have 3 children he "claims" (5,4,18mo), he is still married and the mother recently went to prison. He is "cheating" on my sister and she decided 2 months a go not to be with him and applied for base housing. She has told us she is afraid of him, etc, but she refuses to move back in with my folks until housing comes thru, etc. She caught him several times with the new hunny and still managed to get pregnant after that, even though she said she was done with him.

My parents want her to abort the baby, she went to get one and backed out last weekend. She is about to kicked out of the military, has no education, has maxed out her credit cards, and can barely care for the baby she has now. My parents will take her and the 11 month old home with them again (though she is still saying she doesn't want to come home), but they will not take in another baby or help her thru another pregnancy other than putting a roof over her head. They also refuse because they don't want her current baby to have bi-ethnic sibling problems on top of the "2 babies with 2 daddies in 2 years" problem. She will have to give it up for adoption if she wants my parents help. The bio father says he won't claim it, doesn't want anything to do with her or "it" and she better get rid of "it."

Okay...so if she gives birth and follows thru with adoption... should my husband and I offer to adopt the baby? We don't mind the bi-ethnicity at all, but it is a concern as to how we would deal with those issues having thus far been entirely white european. It won't be able to pass for "ours" so we'll likely get questioned repeatedly. It is doubtful the baby will appear just one ethnicity since my sister is about as fair and freckled as you can get and he is very dark. We are also concerned about how my parents will take to the baby if it is "ours" in a stable married home, vs her situation, and as to whether that would be a happier result with the extended family.

Help?

[blessedchild@co]

Im sorry your family is going through such a tuff situation. The question about the child being biracial in a white family? I cant give advice from experience, but we are a white family with three kids a liitle older than yours and we are waiting to adopt a biracial newborn. We feel the color difference(2 of my kids and husband are blonde) will be addressed at times but with lots of love and support it will help our family grow as humans. It sounds like you care alot about your sister even though she has made some bad choices. If she choices to abort is this something you and your sister can live with the rest of your life. Talk alot to your family and discuss with them you adopting this child, find out how they would feel towards the child. Your children I suspect would not care if the child were green, they will love any brother or sister. Good luck in whatever happens

[AngelsMommy]

Thanks for a response. I'm not concerned a bit about how my girls or I or my husband would feel about the baby. We wouldn't care at all... I guess the idea is just so new that I'm trying to think of all the ramifications.

As far as her having an abortion, it's not something I would have to "live with" or not -- that's something she'll have to live with if she does it. I personally am against abortion and as far as I'm concerned it should not be an option. I also know though that my sister is very hard headed and she'll do precisely as she wants to no matter what *anyone* says, even if my parents are encouraging it.

My other concern is a conversation I had with our mother after I posted this thread. She said that she doesn't care if it's with my sister or another sibling, that she cannot accept this child because it's of mixed ethnicity. That being said - I don't give a flying hoot about my mother's opinion on this and would quickly kick her out of my life if I thought it was in the best interest of my children (I did it before for 2 years). My concern is not at all how SHE feels about it - but how the child would feel if I raised it as my own and it was not accepted by its grandmother like my other children are. (If that was the case, of course, I would require equal treatment for all or no contact with all.) But even if she wasn't in our life eventually that little one will grow up and find out that its grandma and some of it's uncles & aunts didn't want it. Would it be in the child's best interest to be raised in a stranger adoptive family where that wouldn't be an issue? Of course, then the child would grow up and think that NONE of it's Aunts or Uncles wanted it even though *I* did.

*sigh* This is so tough.

[blessedchild@co]

What a difficult situatuion. Look to your husband and children for strength. I may not have been much help, but Im sure there are people on the board who may be able to offer advice from experience. I pray your sister makes the right decision and your family(parents etc.) find the strength to get through.

[jaydensmommy]

About your mom saying that she cannot accept the child, I can't say if she will or she won't. Some people can and do change when presented with a situation. I am white and 13 years ago married my husband who is black. When we decided to marry, my grandmother said my husband wouldn't be allowed in her house and my father refused to walk me down the aisle. Fast forward, to the wedding -- my grandfather (grandmother's husband) walked me down the aisle. Fast forward another year -- my dad meets my husband and out of his three son-in-laws (sisters husbands) he likes mine the best. We also were not accepted initially by his family, but now it's a non-issue. We adopted our nephew's biological child last year (he's half mexican), so we are definitely a truly mixed race family but haven't had any issues with "is he yours, etc." I'm not sure because of the fact that I'm white and my husband's black, that they think that my son's coloring is due to our backgrounds or not, but so far that's not been an issue. If and when it does come up we'll deal with it lovingly and appropriately.

What I'm trying to get at is that your family may come around, but I hope that it wouldn't be a factor in your decision.

[quote=AngelsMommy]
My other concern is a conversation I had with our mother after I posted this thread. She said that she doesn't care if it's with my sister or another sibling, that she cannot accept this child because it's of mixed ethnicity. QUOTE]

[Mom2J]

AngelsMommy,

Well, my hubby and I are cc, our daughter is cc, our first adopted son is hisp, and our youngest (we're in the process of trying to adopt) son is biracial (cc/aa). The youngest child is my cousin.

The only advice I can think of right now, is please, be prepared for what "may" happen, should you adopt this child. If the grandmother decides she's not going to have anything to do with this child, you'll need to know how you're going to handle this. How would you handle this with your other children if grandma wanted to see them, but not this baby? Would you be able to walk away from your family, should they "draw that line in the sand?

Now, I'm not trying to scare you, but I just want you to be mentally prepared for anything. I'm not trying to stop you or talk you out of this by any means, just trying to let you think of other scenarios, just in case.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. (Oh, I'll keep trying to think about this over the night and see what else I can think of.)

Mom2J

[AngelsMommy]

I really appreciate all of your thoughts so far. I had felt like this was a complicated situation in which no quick decision should be made, and reading all these posts makes me feel like I'm not crazy for thinking that. lol

As far as saying 'goodbye' to my extended family if they drew a line in the sand... that's really no problem. I'm sure that sounds callous but believe me when I tell you I've literally done it before for over 2 years. If not for an unexpected situation that evolved with a good result, I still wouldn't have contact with them. I'm pretty hard headed and am non-emotional towards them now so if they are out of my life I could deal with it fine. If my parents didn't accept ALL of my children regardless of their biological parentage then I would not allow contact with any of them... no problem there.

Truly my concerns lie with the child. Is it better for a child to think no one in its birth family cared or wanted it for racial reasons (no matter what I would say in 20 yrs deeds speak louder than words)..? Or to know it was kept by some of the birth family and have to deal regularly with knowing that much of the rest of the family doesn't want them? Do you think perhaps the child's gender could play a role in how hard this hits them?

*still sighing* My husband just keeps saying, "that poor baby. It will have to go thru all of that 'what am I and where do I fit" stuff." ...I wish my sister would just USE the birth control that's been given to her!

[momofmykids]

Originally Posted by AngelsMommy

eventually that little one will grow up and find out that its grandma and some of it's uncles & aunts didn't want it.

That is an issue surrounding I would guess ANY adopted child whether it is a family member or not. My son is 17, and struggles with the "why didn't my mom want me" thing. I mean, if his grandma had stepped in, he wouldn't have wound up in foster care and then adopted (although he's glad he's adopted). KWIM? In most any situation, there's going to have been somebody in the family that could have taken the child and didn't.

As far as your husband wondering about "'what am I and where do I fit" stuff", that just goes with raising kids, period...ESPECIALLY teenagers!

I think your attitude is the right one regarding your family, and in your heart of hearts, I think you really want to adopt this baby. I say go for it!

[kllee4]

I also agree that you should go for it because I believe that while the issue of acceptance may or may not come into play, how YOU feel for this child will come shining through loud and clear! Not seeing grandma for years at a time and then being given the explanation in a loving and caring way may hurt, yes. But I believe that he/she will be more in appreciation of the efforts you put into to protect them vs. feeling that something is missing or that they were not wanted, especially if you make it clear that they are certainly loved and wanted by you. SO, again, go for it and love this child with all your being!

[alwaysus]

My hubby and I ( both CC) Have adopted 1 of of his sisters children ( from birth) and are in the process of adopting another baby from the same woman. The 2nd baby ,Elijah is biracial. His birth father is AA. I told my family flat out and in no uncertain terms ..." If you treat Elijah any differently that you do the other kids, We will leave and you will never see any of the kids at all"
I really didn't need to, because my parents adore Elijah ( almost 2 months old) But I was upfront and I meant every word I said.

Family adoptions can be a little shaky, but they can work. Ours does. You are absolutely right when you say that all that matters is the baby. Do what your heart tells you....

[Seven]

Dear Angelsmommy

All of the scenerios you have mentioned are realistic, and your responses to them should they arise or be confronted by them are valid. However, I have one question that I think is the key issue here. Have you discussed this idea or even adopting this child with your sister? You mention that she is stubborn and again this is part of her character but she in the difficult position she is will appear stubborn because she is striving to maintain her sense of dignity and pride.
I think you really need to see and feel her out on this subject, running the what if's or what could be without seriously asking the Mother (sister) if she is even open to the idea of adoption let alone your family adopting her child is what I feel is the foundation and ground work of your conundrum at this point.
The fact that your parent's would help and support her if she would give it up or better yet abort it are red flares that should be aware of if granted this gift of the child. You will be faced with both the critisism and judgement and possible alienation of both your parents and the your sister.
I have to live with the fact that my older sister had a child and at the time of reunion he was 8 years old and also a biracial child, she lost him to foster care and I begged and pleaded for her to relinquish her rights to me so that rather than him becoming a permanent ward and having minimal contact with her and being raised by a stranger she stubbornly refused because I live a thousand miles away, she couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that he deserved to have his family but because of her thinking he has now spent 6 years of his life in and out of various foster homes and we his family meaning my sister and other siblings have no contact. He is now and until he ages out at 18 will be no one's child. And because of this he is and will be one angry adult looking to his Mother and the rest of our family for some restitutioin for his lost life.

[Sunshines boy]

Originally Posted by AngelsMommy

I'm new here but need some advice. Quick rundown: My husband and I have 2 daughters ages 7 1/2 and almost 10. We've been trying to have more for almost 4 years.. unexplained infertility. We are both more than willing to adopt a healthy child under 3, but aren't ready to tackle the major costs involved with stranger-adoption. Both girls have been begging/praying for at least 2 more siblings for the entire time we've been trying to conceive. Our family is all white european descent, as well as our entire extended family with the exception of my brother's Korean wife.

My sister is the youngest of 6 children, and just turned 22. She is in the Marine Corps currently but with recent events she may be discharged (not honorably). She has never been married and has an 11 month old daughter. She was engaged to the father, got pregnant on purpose, then told the father she had miscarried and wanted to break it off. I don't know the father (she was on a base at the time) but I do know he is unaware of the baby. He was also white european descent. My sister transferred to a base near my parents during her pregnancy.. my parents were unhappy about the pregnancy but bent over backwards to help her in every way (made it too easy imo). When the baby (girl) was 7 months old my sister moved in with a guy she just met. He is a black man (hence bi-ethnic baby) also a Marine, and we recently found out not only does he have 3 children he "claims" (5,4,18mo), he is still married and the mother recently went to prison. He is "cheating" on my sister and she decided 2 months a go not to be with him and applied for base housing. She has told us she is afraid of him, etc, but she refuses to move back in with my folks until housing comes thru, etc. She caught him several times with the new hunny and still managed to get pregnant after that, even though she said she was done with him.

My parents want her to abort the baby, she went to get one and backed out last weekend. She is about to kicked out of the military, has no education, has maxed out her credit cards, and can barely care for the baby she has now. My parents will take her and the 11 month old home with them again (though she is still saying she doesn't want to come home), but they will not take in another baby or help her thru another pregnancy other than putting a roof over her head. They also refuse because they don't want her current baby to have bi-ethnic sibling problems on top of the "2 babies with 2 daddies in 2 years" problem. She will have to give it up for adoption if she wants my parents help. The bio father says he won't claim it, doesn't want anything to do with her or "it" and she better get rid of "it."

Okay...so if she gives birth and follows thru with adoption... should my husband and I offer to adopt the baby? We don't mind the bi-ethnicity at all, but it is a concern as to how we would deal with those issues having thus far been entirely white european. It won't be able to pass for "ours" so we'll likely get questioned repeatedly. It is doubtful the baby will appear just one ethnicity since my sister is about as fair and freckled as you can get and he is very dark. We are also concerned about how my parents will take to the baby if it is "ours" in a stable married home, vs her situation, and as to whether that would be a happier result with the extended family.

Help?

hi we just recieved custody of my 4 year old nephew who is bi racial a beautiful child and we are considering seking adoption for him. he has adjusted so well here with my hubby and me and our little baby girl doggie to! i am in search of hlep to get pointed in the right direction as to where to start this process. his mommey is in an abusive relationship and does not seem to want to get out of it best of luck be blessed be happy be great parents! peace...

[AngelsMommy]

I found out shortly after my last post in August of 2005 that there was a baby no longer. My sister went through with an abortion.

A few days ago I found out that my sister is now pregnant again with the same man. She is currently 18 weeks and due August 5th... I believe almost to the day she had the abortion last year.

I spoke to her on the phone yesterday and during our conversation I told her that we would want to adopt *any* baby or child of hers, if either now or in the future she found herself unable to care for them. She told me that the babies she will have will likely all be biracial and I told her that doesn't matter a bit to us. I also told her though, NOT to have children "for" us (in case she got an even-crazier idea into her head). I did explain to her that if she were to make the choice to have us raise her children, that my only requirement is a full adoption and that I *must* be the Mommy. She seemed to understand.

She did move out of his house, back with my parents for 2 weeks, then got her own place via off-base military housing. He doesn't live far from her though and she is over there quite a bit. When I spoke to her she was at his place taking care of his 3 children and her 1, and he was not there. She says they are no longer a couple and he has a new girlfriend but not the one he "cheated" with. According to her he is okay with this baby and has gone to some doctor's appointments with her.

What saddens me is her answer when I asked her how many children she planned to have. She said she's not sure how many she'll have right now, but in the future if she marries she's sure she'll want several with "him." Then she kind of laughed and said "so I'll probably end up with quite a few. I love babies."

Sometimes I wonder.... how can we be related....???? I still love her, and I hope she does some soul searching and sends this baby to our stable home.

[hotspice58]

AngelsMommy: was your sister diagnosed with any type of mental illness? She sounds like my friend who I grew up with and she's bi-polar. When she takes her meds, she's ok. When she's off, watch out!! She also had a son in foster care; her parents adopted him at the last minute but now he's full of anger.

[happycamsmom]

Wow, that's all I can say. Difficult situation but, there can be a happy ending. My hubby and I were in the SAME situation. I am Eastern european he is spanish, our son is eastern european and african american. I come from a family that is racist beyond belief. When we were presented with the option of adopting our son we sat down and discussed how we HONESTLY felt about how our lives and our sons would be and would we feel different, what would we say when we get "THE LOOK" and a whole list of things. We came to the conclusion that we wanted a child, he needed a home and parents to love him, the rest truly did not matter. We told my family and had every reaction under the sun. He is now 2 years old and yes, there are some family members that do not speak with us, but....It is their loss not ours. We love him with everything we have and have learned to embrace an entirely new culture. Good luck to you