[Karinabobina]

I'm a birthmother to a 14 month old baby girl who was adopted by my aunt and uncle. We're in seperate states but my aunt and the baby visit often and calls at least once a week. So far the relationship in my opinion has been really smooth. It is still really hard on me thinking about having placed my child, but I do not regret my decision at all. My aunt, uncle and I have talked about the future and what we're going to tell my birthdaughter. We've all agreed that complete honesty is the best policy, and that she will know who I am. I was just curious as to if anyone has had similiar situations, and how everything has worked? Shes only 14 months now, but who knows what will happen when she's older and understands the situation. I was just wanting to know stories of other situations and maybe so words of adivce. Thanks!

[Mom2J]

Hello Karinabobina,

We started off with giving the birthmom a name that would be different than just "cousin". Our son calls his birthmom, Mama (first name). It has and does change the family dynamics a bit, but we've been pretty fortunate, that the family is very accepting of the situation. He calls all of the other family members by the names our other kids call them. We have maybe 2-visits a year with the birthmom and she calls once a month. (She lives over 12-driving hours away from us, so that makes things a little harder.)

The only time things get a little crazy is with large family get togethers, but each one, gets easier and easier. It should be interesting, but in mid-July, we're having a very large family reunion, where most know, but I'm sure some won't know. We answer everything with 100% honesty, but we just don't give all information out. (The children were taken by the state, so there are completely different issues with that. I'll let you know afterwards how it went.)

Your birthdaughter isn't a secret and don't ever let her be. With everyone being honest and open about her, it should be fairly smooth sailing.

Mom2J

[jaydensmommy]

Hi. We have a similar situation to yours. Our son's birthfather is our nephew. There were a few problems in the beginning, with him and his girlfriend regretting their decision, but also knowing it is for the best (they're in their teens and still in school). It got a little easier when my nephew (birthfather) got some counseling to help him through some issues. I can't tell you anything about the long-term because our son is only 11-1/2 months old, but we had discussions from the beginning that everything would be open and honest from the beginning. They will be known as mama (first name) and daddy (first name) and we are mom and dad. My nephew's brother will be known as his uncle and also as his cousin (he will know he's biologically related as uncle and related by adoption as cousin). We see them quite frequently as we visit every few months (we're in two different states). I think the truth is always the best way to go. My thought is, do I want him to know that I told him the truth from the beginning or that I lied and everyone around him lied. I think that would be much harder on him than the truth. There will always be issues, as there are whether a child is adopted or not, but I believe everything will work out. We are introducing adoption into language right now with reading children's adoption books as well as other childrens books right now to make it not seem like a foreign issue when he actually begins to ask questions.