[dixieshellm]

we have my husbands brothers kid and we are in the process of tpr on them right now, can i get some advie on realtive adoption?
michell in mississippi

[Chicken8182]

Before I can really give you a whole lot how far are you into the tpr process? Is there abuse or drug related problems and how did it come about that you were given custody?

[Hadley2]

If this child is in the legal custody of your DSS, the first best thing you can do is get yourself licensed as a foster parent so that (1) you can get some great training on the fostering-to-adopt process as well as how to handle bringing a new child into your home and (2) you and the child will be eligible for the services and benefits of the foster/adopt system. In some states, children in kinship care (not licensed) are eligible for these services and benefits, but in many they are not. The biggie, of course, is guaranteed medical/mental health care coverage usually provided through Medicaid, which seems to come with Title IV-E (federal grant) eligibility which, in turn, seems to depend on being in the foster/adopt system. There is also the foster care subsidy which in many states can be matched in the adoption assistance agreement--that is, your child can continue to receive her subsidy post-adoption and be Title IV-E eligible for benefits post-adoption. good luck!

[Mared2chuck]

I am in the processing of adopting my nephew. Is this a situation where your brother and sil agree or do you have to fight them in court? TPR can be a matter of an attorney drawing up papers and the bp singing them or it can take months in court. Did cps place the children with you? while they are a usually wonderful agancy their involvment tends to make things take a lttle bit longer. In my situation so far everyone agrees. We are having the the tpr papers written up and poceeding to adoption. We do have to do a homestudy that we have to pay for (1400.00) but it is wrth it to have the control of know about when we can expect it. I wish I could be of more help. I you have any questions I can answer I would be happy to try to help.
God Bless
Lisa

[alwaysus]

We have adopted 2 of my husbands sisters children ( Same birth mom different birth dads) Both from birth. The 1st was contested, the 2nd wasn't)
The best advice I can give you is to sit down ( If this is a friendly situation) and figure out what everyone expects. Set your limits right from the beginning. WHat we did is to send a letter to everyone in our family explaining what was going on and how we would like it handled. I know that sounds pushy, but that way there were no misunderstandings.WIth one exception, everyone appreciated the letter) Family adoptions are harder ( I think ) But it can be done successfully.

Good luck

[lpenley]

i have questions and need help. i am taking care of my nieces baby and shes says dss took her for no reason and i need help i cant deal with niece or grandparents they are so ungrafel

[DCMomLady]

Hi, lpenley.

Welcome to the wonderful world of kinship adoption. If our efforts were fueled by gratitude, I don't think many of us would get very far.

I adopted my niece's baby in '04 and the situation was very much like you describe. It took me a week of investigating on my own to learn the real reason that my niece's daughter was taken from her. My sister and her daughter did everything possible to avoid telling me the truth even while they were begging me to intervene and rescue the baby from foster care in a small town about 1,000 miles away from me.

Over the next six months, my husband and I were the only ones willing to change our lives to make a proper home for my niece's child. Neither birthmom or birthdad accepted any responsibility for the mess they had made of their short marriage. They were very eager to point fingers at each other, though; and they succeeded in their efforts to prove each other unfit to parent. In the end, they both were TPR'd by court order.

While I was wading through the legal quagmire they had created for me, my sister was being her usual helpful self. She assaulted the witness against her daughter and ended up in the jail cell right next door. At least for a few weeks, I knew where they both were and what they were up to.

Those months were like a whirlwind as we went from concerned relatives to prospective adoptive parents in a very short time. My husband and I had been married more than 20 years, childfree years. As aging babyboomers, we suddenly saw ourselves facing the pitterpatter of little feet and potty training and preschool and all the rest, clear through college funds and grandchildren!

We agreed to do it because we love my niece and we wanted her child to stay snug in our family where all parties could continue an extended family relationship. Of course, it wasn't long before my sister began to resent that we were chosen to raise the baby while she wasn't even fit enough to be considered. She began a whisper campaign to the effect that I was so desperate to be a mother that I had conspired with the caseworkers and attorneys to steal the baby. So much for gratitude. The last time we spoke was when she threatened my life and I barred her from ever visiting my home until she was clean and sober.

My niece, who I once thought was a devoted mother, is something of an enigma these days. She never contacts us, although she lives only 20 minutes away. She has an excuse to turn down every invitation I make, at least once a month. The latest was today when she simply ignored my message about arranging a playdate in the park; but the most egregious was missing our daughter's birthday because she didn't have 75 cents for the busfare. Apparently, she also lacked 37 cents for a stamp on a card.

I never expected either of them to show us any gratitude because they are both extremely self-centered and self-absorbed, besides being addicts who also suffer a variety of personality disorders. I did think that they would eventually do the right thing for our little girl, at least by taking an active interest in her life and staying close to help her feel secure. The truth is, she might as well have been adopted by strangers for all the good my family contacts have done her ... or likely will in the future.

My husband says that I keep making the effort to keep our adoption "open" because of some higher sense of family that he thinks I have. I wish it were something that noble that motivates me, but the only reason I keep calling and issuing invitations is so my daughter never has any doubt or suspicion that I kept her away from her birthmom.

Unfortunately, I fear it's going to be a painful reality for my daughter to know that her birthmom's rejection of her was a daily, weekly and monthly event.

I'm sorry that I ran so long here. You said you had some questions and I'd be happy to try and answer them, if I can. If I can't -- well, I'd be just as willing to listen to your story and offer my support and encouragement; because you're doing a wonderful thing even if it doesn't feel so wonderful right now.

DeeCee

[hkolln]

In our case our Niece is in Idaho in custody of DCF there and in foster care. We live in Florida and have been told so many different things it isn't funny! We had an agency coming on Saturday to do our home study expedited to get it to Idaho. Then the lady at our MAPP Class told us DCF here may not accept their home study! So we cancelled it! Now I'm sitting here wondering what to do next. I do not want to sit and wait for DCF here in Florida to get their butts in gear to do our home study. That would take months. And being we are working with Idaho who has custody of our Niece we don't know what to do next. If Florida doesn't accept this agencies home study and we pay out 1200.00 for it we'll be out that money which we could have used for our Niece.

Has anybody dealt with interstate adoption while the relative was in foster care in another state? I am so confused on all this and need some help.

We are taking the MAPP class which is required here in Florida but not sure what to do next. And she's under emergency basis due to aggravated abuse so we want to speed our home study up as quickly as possible to get it to Idaho to put in her case plan.

Thanks for any help!

[hkolln]

We found out the permancy hearing is scheduled for Oct 5th. If all goes well they will initiate the ICPC to start the process so we can get our home study done. We can't even start our home study until we get the go ahead from the ICPC area. So, we wait. We are very patient...luckily Cause in the long run we hope our Niece is put somewhere she will flourish. She will need alot of care due to aggravated abuse charges against her father.

We also found out there are other resources besides us that may wish to take her in. So, I guess it's the best fit that wins. Unfortunately the other resources are her mothers father and sister who I am afraid may allow our Niece to be reunited. I guess I can't say that for sure but we don't want that to happen due t the terrible abuse she suffered. We just pray the social workers will understand that and pick the best place for her to be safe.

My husband has been in total contact with the social workers since day one when we found out about our Niece. Nobody contacted us...we contacted them so I hope that is in our favor. We showed the initiative and the others didn't. But who knows if that matters. I'm so new to all this I don't know what to expect.

I'll let you guys know how the hearing goes once I find out. The thing is the hearing is only them coming up with a plan for her adoption and lists the resources. Then we do the home study and then they decide thru a meeting whose house is best. Has anyone been thru this before? Any suggestions?

[DCMomLady]

Hi, hkolln.

When my niece's toddler was taken from her and placed in foster care, I was more than 1,000 miles away and I had no experience with Child and Family Services or the foster care system. I was asked by my sister and her daughter to intervene but I had no idea that it would lead to my adoption of their precious little girl. Here's how I made it happen:

First, I hired a highly recommended family law attorney (after long distance interviews with several qualified candidates) to represent the baby, not us. I charged him to fully investigate the situation, make a liaison with the state and county officials, and make sure that all decisions about Her Sweetness' welfare were made in her best interest. At the first hearing, the court confirmed him as the baby's Guardian ad Litum. Although he did not represent us, he was on my payroll and he made sure that I knew what was happening with CFS, the county prosecutor, the federal prosecutor, and the state's narcotics task force -- who were all involved in my niece's arrest. He knew and was respected by all of the local "players" in the case so he was privvy to information I could never have obtained on my own. And I think he was valuable in helping us present the image of ourselves as responsible, caring people who wanted only the best outcome for the baby.

Even though we presented ourselves as a temporary home for Her Sweetness within hours of her removal from my niece's custody, she still spent about 10 weeks in foster care there. The transfer of the ICPC to my home state was one of the complications taking weeks longer than it should have. Fortunately, I chatted up the caseworker on my end and she agreed to begin the home studies and background checks before receiving official notification that the case was coming her way.

During those weeks, my husband and I drove back and forth (2,000 miles roundtrip) to attend all court proceedings and make transitional visits with Her Sweetness. It was heartbreaking to leave her behind after each visit and we grew more and more worried about her interim placement. Eventually, there was an incident (an unexplained injury) that made me confront the case manager and issue an ultimatum. Either they release the child so my husband and I could bring her home, or I would rent an apartment there -- either way, I was not letting her out of my care again. Within minutes we had approval to leave the state the next morning.

(A week later, my "new friend" at DSHS in my state called to report that she was still waiting for the ICPC to arrive and could not say when we might be able to bring Her Sweetness home. She was totally surprised to hear that she was already at home with us.)

But let me get back to your question about ICPCs: my experience with interstate placement is it takes waaaaaaay too long because the paperwork goes through too many hands with too many chances for it to be delayed or go astray. If I could have hand-carried it from desk to desk and agency to agency, I would have done it myself and cut our waiting time in half.

Our case was also made a little easier by the unanimous support we had from both birthparents and the other family members, who all agreed that Her Sweetness should come to us.

I hope you found something in my story that helps or encourages you. Good luck to you and your niece.

DeeCee

[hkolln]

That is an enlightening story that you were able to do that! I hope she is doing great with you! I wish we could do the same too but according to the social workers there are other "resources" for our Niece besides us so we have to wait for them to decide which home is best after the home studies are done.

We also have a friend who is a State Representative for Florida waiting for the ICPC to come here so he can push it thru faster for us. We hope that helps. We also are a member of the foster care assn here in Florida which also says they can help the process as soon as the ICPC gets to Florida. But then again we don't know if we'll get her afterall as her other resources (which we have somewhat of an idea who they are) may step up to the plate. The social worker says most of the time the resources drop off cause they get tired of the system or they just can't do it.

The sad thing is we are the ONLY resource that called them directly inquiring about our Niece. Nobody else has contacted the social workers yet and she's been in foster care for now going on 3 months! Once we found out about my brothers sister being in Prison and our Niece being in foster care (when she was in the system for 6 weeks) we immediately tried locating her. It took 2 days and numerous calls to police, the jail, social workers, etc...but my husband found her social worker! I would hope that would mean something. And boy is my husband good at note taking being in college LOL..cause he has the info from the very start about our Niece and whos he's contacted, phone numbers, progress, what they said, etc...which may come in handy later on.

The resources now we heard about (the grandfather and the other aunt who is younger) never even asked about her. They only reason the social workers know about them is they went to the jail and talked with my sister in law and she stated their names PLUS stated my husband's name. When she said my husband's first name the social worker writes down his "first name, last name" and his sister in law asked the social worker, "How do you know his last name?" and she had to tell her we have had contact with them...OOPS the social worker goofed. LOL Then his sister in law tells the social worker, "have my brother write me!" as they are taking her off in handcuffs. Oh course we won't but I guess according to the social worker this means at least she trusts us. We thought it would be a bad thing but they said actually it wasn't since she mentioned us she trusts us.

I just hope it all works out for the best for our Niece. she deserves that! And with aggravated abuse and the TPR in the beginning stages we pray she gets a forever family that will get her the help and give her the unconditional love she needs.

On a happy note!!!

We finished our MAPP class yesterday and have our certificate. I get to go get fingerprinted next week and then when that comes back we get to start our home study!!! woo hoo

[Strmyhart01]

Hi everyone, sorry to butt in, but there is a few words and my story.. incredible as it sounds.. it is true...

Hopefully some of this will help your child you plan to adopt, or have adopted in the past from an infamily adoption....

Please whatever you do or what path you have chosen to obtain a family member's child,or whatever reason you have to justify or if the state takes the child for neglect,, please do not ever say anything bad about the mother EVER in the presence of the child or if the child is home...and if they ask about her., do not be the mom even if it is justified.

Unfortunately, when chips were down for me after my husband left me because life wasn't fun and found him in bed with another woman after coming home from work, the depression was overwhelming. I was loosing the home that I had because I was just a waitress and couldn't afford it, and he had not made the payments because instead of going to work, he was seeing his girlfriend, went to get help from the state but because I had job, I couldn't get any help... I trusted my sister and her husband when they approached me and asked if they could help- not knowing that this would cause a nightmare from hell for me later. Why shouldn't one trust their own family... even if I was adopted myself.

I didn't want to sign guardianship papers, but I couldn't provide insurance and my son had an ear infection and was told if I did this..they could put him on their insurance.... however... at the time, I didnt know they were unable to conceive, and that her drug addiction and hospitalization for rehab for 45 days in high school would be her downfall as far as getting a baby in the adoption world... I was 23 years old and didn't know the ramifications or what they would do to obtain a child they couldn't have.

I had worked very hard for year, worked 2 jobs, saved up enough money to finally get a suitable home, and had no problems removing the guardianship... however, on the day it was removed, I went to go pick up my son, they had hidden him, and told me that my husband, who I wasn't divorced yet, had full custody, and I was floored that they gave my child to a known drug addict ( something he had hidden from me and after we broke up when he nosed dived full swing with his old high school buddies and with the g/f into the drug scene). I was furious... not knowing then that it was a lie.. and that they had hidden my son, just used my husband. They used his anger towards me since he was mad that I wouldnt take him back after the g/f dumped him to their advantage.
I was forced and coerced into signing the papers again.. I was told if I didnt sign another guardianship for them to protect my youngest, that I would go to jail if left the state to return to were I was, for child abandonment, and if I chose not to sign the papers, and left the state with him, I would go to jail for kidnapping. I was 24 years old... no knowledge of the family law and locked into their home with them screaming at me sayiny.. Don't you want to protect your child from him??? Unfortunately, I thought they were helping me... I thought they were on my side with my soon to be xhuband... WRONG!!! They promised to help me come back to the state and get me a new house, since everything i had saved in the year was put towards the house that i had and fixing it up, promised help with furthering my education ( had not gone to college) and a list of other things... so off I went crying after signing the papers without even seeing my child,,, and went back and closed the house, packed what I could in my car and planned for the removal of the furniture and everything else... i got back a week later, so excited to be able to see my baby... which was the first thing I did... I was appauled that my sister was calling herself "mommy" and had only allowed me one visit with him.. said it was too confusing for him... and cut me off! Changed their phone number and wrote me off.. so I went to remove the guardianship again and was told there was a 6 mounth clause.. said you can't play around like this... play around what i asked.. unfortunately... no one would listen to me... since now i didnt have a job, looked totally unstable, I had to start all over... so here I was homeless, sleeping in my car and no family at all! Got a job within a few days as a daytime bartender and rented a room at a very nice woman's house... 10 days before I could remove the guardianship. they served me with a third party xparte custody order... said i wasn't fit, said I didnt have the physchological means to be a mother and had started a 3 year battle, meanwhile, his brother, who I have, was able to visit them ( I encouraged their visits through my x's mom and who I had a wonderful relationship with, and did until her death in 1997 after which, no one from my x's side had been able to see my son)..I fought for 4 long years battling between 2 courts that couldn't decide who had jurisdiction, but I couldn't complete with their money or their high dollar attorney my adoptive parents had.. to this day... they only have custody.. any court order to see him they ignored and had broke every promise they ever made! I gave up, threw the towel in after watching the Baby Jessica Story.. that child was tramatized by being ripped from the only home she knew! I thought long and hard with many tears and decided enough was enough! The attorney fees were outrageous, I was penniless from them and I had a sick child that needed me.

Now, remarried, to an officer in the Army who is about to make Lt Colonel have a wonderful life.. and they still won't talk to me, they tell lies about me to my son to make him hate me and at 18 wants nothing to do with me... he wasn't even there for his full brother whom I raised, who has moyamoya, a rare vascular disorder of the brain that required 2 direct bypass brain surgeries in March of this year and wants nothing to do with his brother either. It was confirmed genetic ( my bioligical half brother also has this rare medical condition) .. and they told everyone I lied about it for attention.. wrong.. had a fit when I contacted my brother in law's brother about this and that my son needed to be taken in for an MRA, MRI and an possible celebral angiogram...

I am sharing my story in hopes that it will help other see the devestating effects... not all of us bmoms are irresponsible, drug addicts, alcholocs ( I don't even drink-never have) or have screwed up lifes... some just make poor judgements... mine was trusting my adoptive family..
When I gave up the fight.. I had hoped that my son would have a normal life just like all the other kids are supposed to have.. I thought I was doing what was best... unfortunetly, I was wrong... they feed him lies about me...

So please, I beg all of you to be careful of what you say... or the lies you might be telling yourself to justify things... one day my son will return home when he is a man and he will listen to what they did to me... I am quite sure he won't be happy. I will also explain to him they did this out of love.. but they will have already stolen precious moments not only with myself as his mother, but for the years he spent without his brother...
Thnk long and hard about making sure there is contact... you wouldnt want the child to raise you to hate you as an adult...

[hkolln]

Well our home study is FINALLY done! Now just waiting 14 days for our foster care license. Then it's up to the state of Idaho to decide on our nieces placement. After all this I hope they look at everyone involved and place her where she can thrive. Her Mom is in prison for 4 yrs and they don't see her getting out soon at all. She is in there for drugs and from what we have seen has been on drugs almost her entire life. The TPR is in the process and has been approved to go forward with.

Hoping to know something by Xmas! What a great Xmas present it will be

And in our case YES the Bmom (my husband sis) is a drug addict. The SW even stated she cleans herself up very well to get her daughter back (guess this has happened before!) and then once she does she goes right back on the wrong path. They are afraid with her track record she will just relapse again. That is where we stepped in. You can only give a parent so many chances and then they burn their bridges. But I personally will never judge her. I would never say bad things about her. Her daughter loves her dearly and that would hurt our niece. We want only what is best for our niece and badmouthing her bmom is not a good thing.

[Strmyhart01]

so happy for you!!! having things permanant are very important The peace of mind that your neice and you will have knowing that the state has made things permament so she won't have to be uprooted again. It is a shame that your neice had to go through all this and hopefully one day your sister/brother will get their act together and strive for a better life for themselves. I commend those though truely have the child's interest at heart. Those that help their family's children so they don't get stuck in limbo in the state's system deserve a big hug... so many children are not that lucky.

It really made my heart sing that you stated that you would never say bad things about her mother. I am an adoptee and I didn't have that, every time my adoptive mother had anything to say about her, it was venemly, vile and was told I wasn't wanted... which was far from the truth as it could be... I didn't even know they were married and that their was 4 of us! The only reason we were seperated in the mid 1960's was because my parents lost their home to a fire.. I was lied to about my sisters.. told they me that they didnt exist and I was making up having a baby sister -was called a liar for it and severely beaten for saying that I did ...until I was 17 ( they pretended to not know- however, my adoptive parents and my biosister's adoptive parents have remained friends all these years and go to the same church and are on several committees together and even drove together for several visits with our birthparents until the finalizations... of course they never told either of us that they knew each other until my biosister attended her step father's funeral.. which my parents attended in 2000 after we met a few months before... neither one of us knew then about the lies....My sister's mother apologized to us.. said that my parents forbid her to give my information to my sister.. even though we were both on the registery... the only crime my bioparents had were the fact that they were dirt poor.
Anywhooooooooo I hope you and your neice have a wonderful christmas!!! crossing fingers and toes for you and saying some prayers that things will go in your favor!

Sara

[hkolln]

GREAT NEWS!!! Hubby and I are now licensed foster parents!! WOO HOO