[Derek's Wife]

Okay, here's the situation.
Last year my brother and his girlrfiend were on hiadus, and she wanted to give the baby up, and my brother didn't. My borhter wanted my husband and I to adopt the baby. When I broached the subject with my mother she immediately interjected that she would be the better qualified candidate. Knowing better than to fight with her, I dropped it. Regardless that little boy slipped through the cracks of the system and he's in Never-never-land.
So, Here we are 15 weeks from adopting my brothers third child, and Mom is driving me nuts! Of course as soon as the two of them (same girlfriend and my brother) found out that they were pregnant they immediately thought of us. So they asked us, (Merry Christmas, welcome home from Hawaii, want to adopt our kid?) We of course said yes.
Since then My Mother hsa had her knickers in a twist. My husband and I always thought that we would name our little girl Elizabeth, (After me, my Mom, my grandma etc.) Well after we knew for sure it was a girl, we changed our mind. My husband is very prissy and wanted his little girl to have a prissy name. SO for the last few weeks we have been thinking of names and throwing them around. Every time she hears one she has an excuse for not liking it. She even told me, "Regardless of what you name her I am going to call her Elizabeth!" (And yes she did mean it) So then we went on to complete a baby registry for our baby shower in May, and that gave her something else to chew me up about. She looked at our registry then called me and asked how I expected to get so many expensive items.
My thought: It's just a registry, if people don't like whats on it, they can buy whatever they'ld like, or nothing at all. I won't be offended.
Then she goes on to tell me how when my husband deploys I need to move home so she can see her granddaughter, cause she won't be able to visit me often enough to get to see her grow up. Hmmm... last time I checked I was a grown woman.
I am sure that she is just speaking her mind, but things are so crazy right now with all of the changes that all of us are preparing for that I feel some of this just isn't necessary. Am I wrong?

[CAV]

Since your brother and his girlfriend have already dealt with relinquishing children for adoption (I'm not sure if it was only the boy, or more than one, because you mentioned it being their 3rd child) they obviously understand what they are doing etc... So I am going to answer assuming that they are both okay with the adoption and that it will go through and be finalized .


About your mother.... keep the peace during the adoption so that she doesn't cause trouble and this little girl slips out of the family like the baby boy did.

Name the baby what you want... what your mother wants is besides the point..

Do NOT move near her. If you think things are hard now they'll be far worse if she's right on top of you. She sounds like the kind that has control issues. That would only get worse if you were in the same area.

Once the adoption is finalized that baby is your child. Legally it is as if you gave birth to her... do not let your mother bully you. She has no power to do anything to disrupt a finalized adoption. And, honestly, it sounds like some distance is in order.

And don't let her be petty and call the child a different name. You name her, and that is it. If she wants to be childish she doesn't need to be around the baby. As a mother you will have a responsibility to protect that child from negative influences... like your mother if it comes to that.

This is something you need to handle as soon as the baby comes. Or it will get worse. One thing that a lot of adoptive parents do wrong at first is not grasp the concept of legal parenthood.

If you gave birth to this child you would say to your mother "She's my daughter, not yours. I'll name her what my husband and I want, I'll put what I want on my registry, and if you want to be nasty you don't need to be in her life. You will not cause conflict for my family."

But because this is an adoption that sort of firmness feels uncomfortable... adoptive parents shuffle their feet unsure of their place.

Well... that isn't fair to the baby. She needs adoptive parents who will step up and treat her as if she were their biological child. Not a "gift" or a long term babysitting gig. If this adoption is finalized you need to drop the "adoptive" part and fight for her and your rights like any other parent.

She isn't a community progect or an extended family endevour. Your Mom has to realize that she has the right to know the child as a grandparent... but YOU are the parent. Those are the bounderies.


Please read the boards.... adoptees have enough pain without some domineering woman causing friction and negativity just because she figures she can. They don't want to be a permanent pawn in a power play. Set the bounderies, stick to them, and get some distance until she understands that she can't run your family.

[Derek's Wife]

I really apprecaite the support. That's exactly how I felt, but I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going off the depp end by having an opinion.
If there is one thing that my husband and I are trying to enforce it's peace until the baby's born. As much as we would like to see things stay calm afterward, I have a feeling my mother is going to be a thorn in my side.
Currently I live 1200 miles from my mother; I intend to keep it that way. We have read and understand the importance of bonding time and are emphasizing that.
We wrote up a letter to our family a few weeks back with our expectations of everyone. Since then things have helped, just not with my Mom.
Thanks again!
I apprecaite it.

[danhanan]

I think my daughter and her husband did the smartest thing ever when it came to naming their children. No one new the names they chose until moments after the baby was born. That way, they got no flack form anyone and we all just sat back eagerly anticipating not only the birth, but finding out the name.