[ondeck]

Here's a brief history, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years now, and are about to proceed with an IUI in the next few months. Over the holidays, my brother and his girlfriend, who already have a 1-yr old son, and have one on the way, due in July, approached us with the proposal for us to adopt the 2nd baby, as they "would be in way over their heads with 2". They are young, 19 & 23, and are trying their best, but do struggle when it comes to parenting, as they have somewhat unhealthy lifestyles. Thankfully, they are well supported from both families. They have expressed that if we decided not to adopt, then they would keep it, as they couldn't handle the two siblings not knowing each other. I have no question in my mind that I'll agree to adopt, however my husband has some reservations, that it would close the door for us to have our own, which I've reassured him that it wouldn't change our plans, it would just mean we'd be busier than expected for the first while!
Are there any others with similar situations, who could offer some advise, personal experiences, etc.
I feel that in time, he'll warm up to the idea, is there anything I could do to help ease his mind?
Thanks,
Abby

[MissyB9479]

Abby-
I don't want to sound negative but I am concerned with some things you have said about these parents. The fact is that in adoption (especially within a family) there is a real concern abut making sure that the potential birthparents realize that while monetary situations may change adoption is forever. The fact that they will keep the child if you don't adopt makes me suspect that they really don't understand that even a family adoption is still an adoption. It means giving up parental rights and watching another person raise your child. Do you think they are really ready for that and all of the emotions that it involves? Or do they think that because you are family it will be the best of both worlds- they can still sort of help raise the child but don't have the responsibilities involved?

My husband and I turned down his cousin who was pregnant when she asked us to adopt her child. The more we talked the more clear it became that she was not prepared for what the reality of the situation meant. She wasn't prepared for us to name the child or for us to decide what school she went to (she wanted us to get approval from her first). She expected that she would have visitation in her home every birthday and Christmas. And when we told her that we may have to move for hubby's job she said that it was okay if we could move her too. After talking I think what she really wanted was to have someone adopt HER and the child so they could stay together. We couldn't do that so we did hook her up with a social worker who helped get her in some government programs.

Before you get much further the 4 of you sit down and talk about the details. Figure out if this is going to really work. If they are not prepared to let you be the parents then believe me... you don't want to do this. If this goes south you will not only have to face your sibling but also your parents and every other relative who will pick a side in the battle.

I'm not saying it can't work. There are lots of times when it does. But it just means being very open and honest and making sure each person is going into it with the same expectations.

Good luck.

[ondeck]

I greatly appreciate your honesty, we are so new to this whole situation that that wasn't even something that had crossed our minds yet, and it is definitely something that would have to be addressed. At this point, I can't imagine saying no to them, knowing that they would be raising a child that they had originally opted to give up, however without going into great details, I'm not sure that it's the monetary issue that is the problem, it is more the lack of parenting skills, and still being quite "young" (somewhat immature for a 19 & 23 yr. old) to become parents. Another thing that has been in the back of my mind is to, when the time is right, suggest to them that we'd be willing to adopt both of their children. The situation now sees either grandparents keeping the baby for 3-4 nights/week, as they just aren't coping well with parenting.
There is ALOT to be considered and discussed!

[mam]

Hi Abby,
Six years ago our niece asked us to adopt her unborn child. Some of the things you said are familiar. She also said if we didn't she would keep him. She couldn't bear not knowing where her child was. She was almost a stranger to us she lived two thousand miles away. We had met only a handful of times at weddings etc. We took a huge leap of faith and flew her here to live with us while she was pregnant. It all worked out in the end. Many advised us against what we were doing at the time. Of course there were lots of ups and downs.
Today our little boy is a happy healthy 6 year old who knows his birth mom chose us to be his parents because she could not take care of him.
His birthmom my niece is now married with and has a little girl. We have had three reunions in six years and countless heart to hearts over the phone. It can work but it is certainly a leap of faith. Good luck with your decision.
Sherri