[melissa63901]

I have a 10 year old son I adopted at age 8 who was my nephew by marriage at the time. Since the adoption, my husband left me. I have a bio daughter by him and we adopted his nephew. NOW, the child was raised the first 7 years being passed between birth mom and maternal grandma. Neither wanted him therefore he was shipped to me and his uncle. I adopted him so that we could cover him on insurance, etc. NOW< birth mom and maternal grandmother, etc. want to see, visit, and or talk to my child. He wants these things too. They all feel like since my husband left that they would never have let him go stay with me permanently. They did not want the responsibility of raising him but they want the luxury of a relationship with him. This child has been diagnosed ADD / Depressive. But, I don't think he has been diagnosed properly or medicated properly. A new Christian based counseler I found who is wonderful thinks that he is passive/agressive, has attachment disorder, and may be bipolar2. I looked up this information and thinik we may be more on the right path. HOW CAN THESE people want a casual relationship with someone they have messed up so bad???I know he loves them and jsut wants their love and acceptance but it puts me in the middle. Has anyone else had any experience similar???? Thanks in advance.

[spaypets]

Why don't you want him to see these people -- I mean specifically? What bad thing do you think will happen? How will he be hurt?

[melissa63901]

He is hurt by the fact that he hasn't got to be with his mother. She won't keep a job, drinks, who knows what else. Never has a stable life. She used to tell him she would straighten up and get him back but never did. She was arrested and charged with child neglect when he was 3 for leaving him locked in the car while she spent hours in a bar. He was asleep in the car, woke up frightened and alone and started crying which alerted someone to call the police. He feels that it has been all his fault they are not together. The biological maternal grandmother who helped raise him has been in rehab for crack and alchohol, is an alcoholic still, and treated him like a slave to clean her house, do her laundry, fetch her beer called him a liar and a thief and treated him awful. She sent him to me, then didn't want him back for a visit over his first summer break away. BUT NOW, she wants to talk to him and tells him she loves him. Nothing has changed from either of them though. Birth mom had a 2nd child and recently abandoned her with the birth dad. Grandma still drinks. I just don't see how a relationship with them would BENEFIT him in anyway. If they were mature, responsible people I would not have a problem with it.

[DianeS]

Keeping a child from birth relatives almost always backfires.
If you are the one who refuses to let them see each other, then it will be easy for them to brainwash him later into thinking that they were always fine upstanding people but that you refused contact anyway. And he'll likely believe them because he hasn't seen any evidence to the contrary. (He won't remember the things that happened when he was young.)

On the other hand, if he is permitted to see them, he will be exposed to their way of doing things, and most likely see that he prefers to be with the person who is reliable, who does what she says, who provides needed things on a timely basis, etc.

(I know a lot of these normal reunion-relationship things are different for a child with RAD - be sure to discuss this idea with his new counselor before implementing it.)

It's true that the relatives have acted VERY inappropriately in the past, but it is the past. Their actions like drinking, etc haven't changed to your knowledge, but those are not necessarially actions that directly affect your son. And there are ways to make sure they don't affect him, or affect him only minimally.

One thing you can do since he is still young is *monitor* the relationship. Set the rules, and make sure all parties know what they are. If they had been reasonable in the past, the rules would be lighter. But since they have not been appropriate in the past, the rules are tighter and *might* loosen up only if they obey the ones you have set for now.

For instance, you can tell them that you will not permit them to say anything negative about you, and that includes things about the divorce. It's completely off-limits. You can also say that they are not permitted to discuss the past unless your son raises the question. No excuses or reasons for past behavior. Simply chatting about day-to-day things is fine. No discussing the counseling, or rules or discipline that you enforce at the house. That sort of boundary.

You can start by allowing only letters. You read the letters before your son even knows they have arrived, and make it clear that if any letter crosses the boundaries you have set, you will cut off contact again for a certain time period. But if they stay within the boundaries, you will consider expanding the contact.

Then you can allow phone calls, again making sure everyone knows you are monitoring them and won't hesitate to hang up the line if the talk crosses those boundaries.

Eventually short, monitored visits to which you can add the boundary that the relatives you have invited are to show up *alone* - no friends or boyfriends in tow - and *sober* - if they break either of those, or even appear to break them, the visit will end and it'll be a LONG time before the next one.

Etc. You get the idea. But again, be sure to discuss this idea with your son's counselor, as the rules for picking up a past relationship can be VERY different for a child with RAD.

Good luck!

[RiverGal]

What agreements were talked about at the time of adoption? Was the birthfamily told that there would be no further contact?

Just curious...

~D

[melissa63901]

Nothing was set forth by grandmother, although, as I said, I tried to send him to visit the first summer and she said no. The birth mother wanted to have some visitation with him in the summer, but she hasn't had a stable home or followed through on requesting and setting it up. She legally was not supposed to have unsupervised visitation with him as it was my understanding.

[RiverGal]

I can see where you are wanting to do the right thing, or you wouldn't have asked for advice. If you felt it was safe for him to visit the grandmother the first summer, has something changed since then to make you feel like his safety would be jeopordized around her?

Being that you say your son is sad that he can't see his birthmother complicates things. Kids don't always understand the whats and wherefores of things behind the scenes. All he knows is that he misses her. You said he is in counseling, so maybe that will be a positive step. I'd be sure the counselor is knowledgeable with adoption issues, though...that's a whole seperate set of issues.

Perhaps you will be able to get some good advice from other adoptive moms...there are some great ones here on the forum. I sure hope you are able to find a comfortable medium that best meets the needs of your son.

~D

[sbesser77]

You are now the child's mother. That is the fact. It is a fact he needs you to play out your role as his mother for the rest of his life. When you waffle about what that means, he sees it and it shatters his security, his safety, and his ability to develop any kind of selfconfidence or trust in anything.

I am a person who was removed at age three from my natural parents and against my natural mother's will. I was separated from my brothers who were placed in separate homes, and adopted into a home to grow up an only child the rest of my life.

I grieved for my brothers and mother all my life. But what was best for me was that my adoptive parents never saw themselves as anything but my parents. They never once said anything like, "I adopted them so I could put them on insurance." They put me on insurance because I was their daughter. They were my parents. Never in my life have I ever seen my adoptive mother as anything but my mother. Yes, I missed and grieved for my natural mother. But I needed a mother, not the ideas a child has of what a mother is. I seldom agreed with my adoptive mother, I was combative, argumentative, rebellous, strong willed, and had more intellect than I had sense. But none of that changed my parents resolve to be my parents.

Your son needs a mother, not a baby sitter, not a social worker trying to make sense of the behaviors of the past and trying to tie him and herself into knots over the emotional outbursts of others. This is your son. Protect him. This is your son. Teach him. This is your son, have mercy on him. This is your son, keep him safe. This is your son. He is a gift from God. There is no child like him. He may be the most hard to handle person on the world, but he is your son and God has given you the chance to change his life, mold him into what he may have never had the opportunity to be without you.

Should any other adult have easy access to your child? No. No other adult should have easy access to your child.

If visitation ever happens, it needs to happen under VERY carefully controled circumstances.

If certain behaviors are observed (which will take about two years to teach everybody)
If his behaviors before, during, or after the visits do not deteriorate,
If his therapist helps before and after and agrees that it is in his best interest
If things remain cordial between you and the other adult . . .

Otherwise, NO adult, I don't care who they are would get within 500 yards of my child.

I've parented 8 foster children and raised two children to whom I gave birth. When the fosters were in my care, I considered them MY children and I watched, nurtured, cared, guarded, and fought for their needs just as passionately as I did for the two to whom I gave birth.

Children need parents . . . not social workers . . . not the next installment on Ophra . . . not somthing out of Cops. They need stability, consistancy, peace 95% of the time, no matter what it takes.

If the child has brain issues . . . forget trying to add blame stupidity to it. It does not matter the origin . . . it must be addressed and overcome.

These issues could be the foundations of making him a strong, compassionate leader in adulthood or it could set himself up to become more of the flesh fodder floating aimlessly through life entertaining others with their desgrace and downfall.

None escape hardships. None. Not adopted people, not adoptive parents, not biological people, not sons or daughters not nieces, nephews or the mail man. If you overcome hardships with poise, grace, and confidence, in time he will too.

You've also not said much about this little guy's sister. Never in my life was I addressed, considered, or even secretly thought of as "the adopted one." I was not thought this way by my parents, or any member of my family. The few ignorant people who tried to pin that lable on me who was outside my family had no influence over me and the label never stuck.

Maybe the first thing you need to do is decide who is this child's mother and if this child is a true member of your family. If he is, be his mother. The day I burried my adoptive mother and then 27 years later burried my adoptive father, never did I know them as anything other than my parents.

I don't know if my parents would have allowed me regular contact with my natural mother, had that been an option, but I do know they allowed me regular contact with my natural brothers. Once I was grown they tried to help me find my natural mother . . . and it was never a case of them or her. They were my parents, nothing, nothing, nothing changed that ever again. This was the anchor to which I could hold. Nothing moved on that point, there was no discussion. There was no argument. There was no give. There was no question. They were my parents. The buck stopped right there. Good, bad, indifferent, they were my parents. They made good decisions. they made terrible decisions. They were wonderful. They nearly drove me crazy and visa versa . . . and to this day I praise God every day for them and their unswerving determination to be my parents, come what may.

Be his parent . . . first, foremore, and forever.

I am praying for you all.

Suzanne in Texas

[crick]

Given the past history, I would be leery of a visit, however I would weigh that against the emotional healing of my child. If your son wants to see his bmom, then I would probably do it because it sounds to me that he has never had any closure or understood all the emotions he has had.

I think a child's imagination is far worse than the reality of the situation and if you can help him see reality, then he might heal a bit. For example, if he feels it's his fault that he was separated from his bmom, then in his mind, he's making up all these things about the situation, himself and her. "It's my fault and I need to fix it and I'm not a good child for doing this to my mom etc." Might have his bmom up on a pedestal, thinking she is the perfect person and it is him who is not.

If he were to see her, he might see that this is a person who made the wrong choices and made them herself and it is in no way his fault. I'm not saying all will be hunky dory if he sees her, but it might be the start of a healing process for him.

If you do a visit, I would set it up in a neutral place ( a park, counselor's office etc.) and I would be very clear about the rules with them beforehand. I would also suggest his counsellor be the mediator of the visit to ensure his well being is protected. Doesn't sound like he's in any physical danger, but if they say hurtful things, it could be emotionally damaging to him which is why a counsellor would be best to have there to monitor the visit.

As a parent, it's hard to know what is best for your child sometimes. I, myself, have 4 kids who were removed from their birth home. If you asked me about contact in the beginning I would say no way. But now, seeing how 2 of my kids carry a lot of weight on their shoulders and how their fantasies of things really muddle the reality of things, I might feel differently about contact in the future. Guilt is hard enough to process as an adult, but for a child, it's nearly impossible, and the damage it does is just heartbreaking.

I would talk to his therapist and see what he/she thinks and if she would be open to monitoring the visit before making any decision.

Crick

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Wow Suzanne what an powerful post and a loving tribute to your parents. I understand perfectly what you are saying.

Hi Melissa,

I am a foster parent about to adopt our 2 fc. I am trying to implement a semi-open adoption for these kids. I have sent their mom a letter laying out what I'd be comfortable with and am awaiting her reply. I am a nervous wreck to do this because our situation is somewhat similar to yours (as far as the addictions, etc.). The best thing someone on here said to me was, "as long as her lifestyle doesn't affect the kids at the visit (i.e, she doesn't show up drunk) and, as long as she doesn't speak badly about you to them, her lifestyle shouldn't matter." That really hit home for me. I had been wavering about whether or not to open up the adoption since these children weren't lovingly placed for adoption they were removed from their parents and the parent's rights terminated by the State. The fact of the matter is, I will do everything in my power to protect these kids throughout their lives. I would never allow unsupervised visits so there would not be an issue with her hurting them, lying to them, showing up drunk, etc. If she did, we'd simply leave.

As I did, you have the right to set the guidelines for contact. I joined this forum early in October and have learned many, many things. The thing I consider most important is that children that are adopted seem to grow up happier, healthier, and better adjusted when they have been allowed information/contact with their birth families. The reason for this is that they don't need to go through their lives wondering WHY, or who do I look like; who's mannerisms do I have, wondering what medical issues they may face in their future. Someone posted that people that have been adopted can get embarrassed at a doctors appointment because they have to answer, "I don't know, I was adopted." I want to protect my kids from that embarrassment. I want my kids to grow up knowing that there wasn't one single second in their life that they weren't WANTED.

Many, many people we know think we're NUTS for even contemplating doing this but you know what, I could care less. These are my kids and I will do what I feel is best for them. Do I anticipate some problems, sure, but we'd just need to work out the kinks to make it work.

BTW it is believe that our 3 y/o has an attachment problem too and I have never been told it would be detrimental for her to have contact with her family..

Best of luck to you and your family. I do know this decision is not an easy one to make.

Michelle

[melissa63901]

Suzanne, I appreciate your reply. I have heard and known forever that being there for him is themost important thing. I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS told him that i love him unconditionally and that I would never leave him. I have not broken that promise. I hate emails and written word because you can't always "read" how a person MEANT something. I didn't mean that "i adopted him to cover him on insurance" I MEANT that they wanted us to just take him temporarily, but that we pushed to the birth mom and maternal grandmother the NEED to be able to cover him on insurance, etc and that was part of the reason that we wanted him ADOPTED and not just "staying with us" or being a foster child. I WANTED TO BE HIS MOM, HAVE BEEN HIS MOM> BUT remember, this was family. I went from being his AUNT to being his MOM> He knew the difference. It wasn't like I Wasn't in his life and then I was his mom. I had a different role for 4 years. He didn't call me mom and that was ok with me. I didn't care WHO I was to him verbally as long as I parented him and cared for him as a mother does. To DENY that he is adopted, we don't. Being ADOPTED is not any different than saying my STEPSON of which I have a stepson and stepdaughter. I treat and have told people that Anthony is adopted yes, it is not something to be ashamed of. We have made it special as to say " I was CHOSEN, not just born". He was 8, he knew his mother, he knew his grandmother, he knew me as his aunt. He wanted contact with his mom, etc and he called HER mom on the phone, etc. BUT I have always been his mom since he moved in with me. I AM A MOTHER to him all the time, but I wasn't forcing it on him either. Kids are very loyal and protective. He could have called me mimi for the rest of my life but I still would have been his mother. I am not trying to be a social worker or therapist I am a person who loves this child more than anyone else and is doing everything possible from unconditional love, to therapy, to medicine, to gettni him invloved with a church family and supporting his interests no matter what they are. Yes, I am trying like crazy to figure out what makes him tick, what helps him, because OF my love for him. Because I want the best for him.
Both his therapist and his counselor said today that he may have Bipolar2 or an abnormal personality disorder. They advise that he be assessed at a hospital soon because of some very disturbing writings and behaviors that have come up lately. I am torn! They advise me to be pre-emptive before anything else happens. They say if he is not diagnosed properly (which up to now was officially only ADD and Depression) and he Does have Bipolar or antisocial traits, that something could and/or WILL happen soon.
As for his biological family. They live in another state, We are in MO and they are in FL so visitation is difficult anyway. I am currently leaning toward not allowing it, because I cannot monitor it. (they want him to just fly down for a visit. I don't think I am prepared to plan a 15 hr drive to TAKE him myself. I would rather they come here, which they won't do.

Thanks for everyone's help and advise!
Mel

[roxanna425]

Can he visit with them for short periods supervised by you? That way if they have to travel or if they do something inappropriate it's not on you it's them.

[melissa63901]

That is what I told bmom Friday. She could come here. I would let any of them visit him HERE. They just aren't willing or make excuses.

[crick]

First and foremost is your son's well being. Since both his dr. & therapist suggest more diagnosis and treatment at this time, then he probably won't be ready for a visit now. I agree, take care of this first and then one step at a time.

And yes, if they want to see him, they should make the trip out to see him, or at least commit to coming 1/2 way to meet you.

Crick

[sbesser77]

Yeah Mom! And Yeah members of the forum! Yes, mothers of birth and years together deserve some consideration and Moms are the best ones to make them. I am so blessed by these posts.

I'm glad to hear this child knows who his mother is. Maybe you wern't his mother before you were his mother but now you are his mother and that's all that matters!

Suzanne from Texas