[melissa63901]

I am so glad for this forum! Thanks to everyone!

[tdhoward755]

Mel,

I adopted my nephew when he was seven, and have always told him that even though he was born to his birth mother, God always intended for him to end up with me. He gets to talk to her on the phone whenever he wants -- or when she wants, provided she calls at an appropriate time of day. If I suspect he's having some issues (at first, he often asked me why she didn't want him anymore), I "prep" her before she talks to him and ask her to please reassure him that we all loved him so much that we chose the lifestyle that was best for him -- and that was with me. His birth mom has visited him one time, and we've brought him to see her (and his godparents -- they all live in a neighboring state) and we presented ourselves to him as a happy and united family. He often says to me, "I'm lucky. I must have the biggest family in the world. Everyone wanted to adopt me because they loved me so much." Even though the reality was that, while many members of our family loved him, they were unable to care for him as a son. They all loved him tremendously -- including his meth addict mom -- but they were all unable to give him the home he needed.

When we are around family who aren't supportive of the adoption, I make it a point to never leave him alone with those relatives -- that way they don't have an opportunity to say inappropriate things to him. When we are around family who are supportive, he just blossoms.

I send his birth mom's family letters, photos, and the annual Christmas letter. He writes them letters on their birthdays, too. And none of them, except his birth mother, ever call him... But that's okay. He will never resent me, and he will never think that I deliberately kept him from his birth family. And because I include that part of his family through letters and photos, they have come around to being supportive and have quit being divisive about the adoption.

I think that his connection to his birth mother is important. He needs to know that he was not abandoned, just that his birth mom was unable to be the mom that he needed. And she wanted him to have a happier life than she could offer. He understands that, and he loves her much the same as he would an aunt.

I can only tell you that I haven't regretted this open adoption. And neither has my son. When he first came to live with me, his therapist worried about ADD and attachment disorder -- and now he is developing healthy attachments with me and my husband, he loves school, has friends, and has finally calmed down. In other words, he's a normal kid. And he's doing great!

I know I rambled, but I hope this helped. Take care of yourself and your family. Your love and concern for your son is moving -- you'll find the right path.

Tammy

[melissa63901]

thank you so much for your encouragement Tammy. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Good advice too.