[AshleyMarren]

I joined this website and have been posting as an adoptee, but now I need to speak as a prospective adoptive parent. This is certainly unexpected but here goes: My 16 year old brother has a 15 year old girlfriend; they have been together (on and off) for about two years. They have been sleeping together for about a year. I knew about it because my brother always confides in me.

They have always been very responsible but for whatever reason they slipped up and now she is pregnant. Although they are both wonderful people, this is not the right time in their lives to try to parent their child.

My fiancée and I have been talking about all this together and we are considering adopting the baby (provided my brother, his girlfriend, and our families agree). I should also mention that it is highly unlikely that I will ever be able to conceive. I've known this since I was about 10, so I have always expected that I would adopt children.

I do have concerns though, I wonder if it would be too hard on my brother to see me with the child, I wonder how (s)he will react to the information that his/her uncle and birthfather are one and the same. I already love this baby but if this is not the right thing for him/her then I won't do it, I just want the best for the baby.

Is anyone here involved in an intra-family adoption? I was adopted, but not by family so I would like to know how intra-family adoption is different for everyone involved. And am I selfish for wanting this child?

[SurprisedAMom]

Hi AshleyMarren,

This is a tough decision to make. My husband and I were in a similar situation with our son’s adoption. His birthmother is my sister. I would do it all over a again in a heartbeat. I love my son very much. I can’t see my family without him. It is hard now to think he was almost adopted outside of his biological family. He nor my other children know the details behind the adoption, but someday I am going to have to explain it all. I am not looking forward to that.
But the situation has drastically changed my family dynamics. My sister and I hardly speak anymore. And the whole issue is kinda like a volcano, wondering how long it will be dormant or will it erupt. Relative adoption brings with it a lot of additional issues a traditional adoption does not. Make sure you have talk over in detail how it will be handled. Will the child know from the start who his/her birthparents are?? What will the girlfriends feelings be if she no longer maintains a relationship with your brother?? How will your brother feel seeing this child he gave up, all the time??

Good luck with your decision and I hope it works out for you and your family!

[chickenrunshrek]

We adopted our grand-neice who is now 4. I would do it all over again but it certainly has changed our family forever. The tension with some family members is tough. Some haven't seen us as her parents, but rather "baby-sitters" at best. Others just don't get it. But it is worth it all. If you do proceed, find the best lawyer that you can who specializes in the field.

[tdhoward755]

Hello AshleyMarren,

I adopted my nephew, and it was the best decision I ever made. He was seven at the time, and so he already knew who his birth mom was... But I wouldn't change that for the world. He thinks he's lucky to have a birth mom who loved him so much that she made the biggest sacrifice of her life -- giving him up for adoption to me and my husband, because she wanted him to have a great life. His birth mom is my youngest sister, and our relationship has really weathered this big change. When we are all together during the holidays, she is just like a favorite aunt to him. They love the times when they get together, but everyone has really begun to adjust to the fact that he is our son, and she is his birth mother. I echo the other two comments you've received -- I'd do it all again. It's been an amazing experience!

[Juscuz]

As a bmom recently reunited w/bson, my eldest brother spoke up - this was the 1st I've heard it, that he had wished I would have talked to him about adopting my son. Comments were being thrown like *he should have stayed in the family*, *you don't give away blood* etc. Of course, this is 23 years later., when at the time, he wasn't even here - he was in the military, and not even making ends meet himself that well, already had 2 kids and a wife. He didn't even know that I was pg.

But in all honesty, I would not give my child to my family - (grandmother or otherwise), I could not see my child being raised by someone so close to me to throw it in my face how inadequate or a failure I was that I couldn't even raise my own kids, and to see how much they loved their *Uncle/Dad* and I don't think I could have been just a *great Aunt*, because I'm not. That would have just been too much to handle.

[alwaysus]

My husband and I adopted his biological nephew. The same sister is pregnant again and has asked us to adopt a second time, which we are THRILLED to do.
Our son came to live with us when he was 6 days old and I can't imagine life without him.
I do agree that you do have to hammer out details in the beginning. What will the child call his birth mom? ( in our case he calls her Aunt T because thats what all of our other kids call her) When will you tell the child about his birth parents etc...
It does have different issues but the outcome is the same.
Like I said, our adoption turned out beautifully and we feel honored to do it again.

Lana
Mommy to:
Sarah 16
Joshua ( In heaven, he left us at 7 months of age)
Daniel 14
Jordan 13
Timothy 11
Paul almost 5
and waiting for Hannah or Elijah to be with us in June!

[lainie_lainie]

We just had a failed relative adoption this past week. We were set to adopt my sister in laws baby (my husbands sister). He was born last Monday. We were at the hospital until we brought him home Wed. Well my sister in law come home with us to help him get settled. She went home that afternoon. We get a call at 10:10 that evening that she wanted him back. The way he was taken from us was horrible. My mother in law came to our house to get him. She wrapped him up in a blanket and took him. We called for several days to get some kind of explaination of what happened. We were ignored and treated like we were the bad ones. The entire family is now at odds. My husband doesn't want to even talk to his sister or mother. Please consider carefully how everything can and will change.