[wgatap]

My husband and I are 39 yo and we have three beautiful girls - two 12 yo and an 11 yo. I know we are in line for a psychiatrist visit, but we are TTC, unsuccessfully in the last five months. Recently we found out that my 15 yo niece is pregnant. Her and the BF have been going back and forth with keeping and putting up for an open adoption. At first she would only give it up to us, then said it would hurt to much to have it raised as her cousin. I assured her that it would be raised knowing she was the **. She is warming to the idea. I have many concerns and was hoping that anyone with experience would share what they know and give any advise. Thank you

[chickenrunshrek]

We adopted our nephew's daughter. Although it was the best thing we've ever done, it has changed our family dynamic forever. I was always like a big brother to my nephew, and now he is a stranger. He was actually afraid to tell us when his current girlfriend became pregnant. Relations with my sister in law, the bio grandmother, are also at times difficult. The hardest obstacle that we continue to face is that we are still not recognized as "parents' by some members of the family. It is as though we are just babysitting or foser parenting. If you have the love to offer this child, pursue this adoption with wild abandon. But no that nothing in your family will ever be quite the same. But it is absolutly worth dealing with the difficulties.

Good luck!

[wgatap]

Thank you so much for the reply. I didn't have time to put the specifics on my post. This is my sister's child. Most everyone in my family is for it except my brother-in-law who has flat stated that he will walk if my niece gives the child to us. He wanted her to abort it and now that he knows she wont he wants her to give it to someone out of their state and out of their lives. He is an alcoholic and I know my sister will be hurt for a long time, I think it is best that he does go. Our parents are for the adoption, our grandparents are for it, my sister is for it and my niece is considering it. I worry about things like her changing her mind, wanting it back in ten years. I am a bit nieve (sp?) and feel that all will be well - I just need someone to play devils advocate and say - hey, watch out for this. What about a lawyer? How much is an adoption going to cost? There are just so many questions. I do hope and pray that all works out for the best with your family and your situations.

God Bless

[chickenrunshrek]

By all means, get the best lawyer that you can find that specializes in family law. Having someone who can guide you through this process while protecting your interests is invaluable. Regardless of how many family members are behind the idea, there are bound to be issues along the way. Roles and identities will be blurred. Relationships will be forever altered. There are countless issues that are unique to family adoptions. Will your sister's role be as aunt or as grandma? Will you have a contact or visitation agreement with the biological parents? (I highly recomend one if you plan on having an open adoption) What role (if any) will they have in the child's life? Everyone in our family was "for it" but there are still unavoidable issues and strains. As for cost, that depends. You may only wind up paying several hundred in court and vital records costs. Or you might wind up in a situation such as ours that became a year and a half legal battle that nearly bankrupted us. Laws in these matters vary widely from state to state so you need to contact an expert in your area.

Whatever happens there is one thing to always keep in mind. From the moment that you and the birth mom decide to arrange for an adoption the most important thin in the world is to protect the welfare of that child. No matter what choices you and your family make someone will always be second guessing you. All that matters is that the child have a shot at a life that you can provide. Don't worry about hurt feelings because no matter what, somebody will be hurt. You have to to what is best for yourself and your immediate family. Everything and everyone else are second fiddle at best. Good luck!

[wgatap]

Thanks again. I am meeting with my sister and the birth parents next Sunday to do the final - "yes, you can have the baby". We have talked about a few things. First is that they have to agree that ten years from now they do not get the baby back. I asked my niece what the chances were of her changing her mind the day the baby is born - she hesitated a bit and then said that even if she wanted to change her mind, the point is still that they can't afford the baby. We have agreed that my sister will be grandma, the birth mom will be mommy S and so on. They live in WI and we are in AL so visitation will be limited. This can be viewed as a good thing and a bad thing. The good part is that she wont be around much to interfere with the raising of the child. The bad thing is they wont see eachother to often. We do have plans that we can meet in KY periodically for visits. Our biggest delima at the moment is weather she gets to hold the baby before I fly off with it. I wanted to compromise and let her hold it just before I leave - all family members say don't do it. They say I should wait a few months till she's over the adjustment period. I am so excited and worried at the same time.

Thank you again for your advise.

[tlc4kidz]

Just wanted to share our story...A cousin's 15yo daughter was pregnant 3 years ago and unable to care for the child. We went through foster-classes so we could become a relative placement and supported her in any way we could. Everyone else said they would not help her out because she needed the reality that she wasn't ready to parent. Grandma and Great Grandma laid eyes on that baby and instantly fell in love...they decided they would keep her and help raise her. She has subsequently had another. These kids get shuffled back and forth and while I know they are loved are not in the best of environments.

Now I can look back and be okay with the way things worked out. I think in our case the extended family would have been very difficult to deal with. They never would have seen her as ours. We have gone on to foster and are currently trying to adopt our fd we got at 2 days old (now 17 months). Everyone in the family is crazy about her!

I would go for it if you feel led, but know that until the waiting period is over anything can happen and you would not want to destroy family relationships over it. Also remember that she is 15. Unless she is TOTALLY committed to this she will see herself as mom. She likely will go on to have more children and could be sooner than later...are you willing or able to keep sibs together if needed and if not how will you explain that to the child? I think adopting within a family takes alot more work than outside a family because all of the dynamics already in place....but that's just my opinion. Given the physical distance between your homes it may be easier...we were in the same community.

[wgatap]

Other than falling for the "I love you" line her boyfriend gave her and ended up pregnant, my neice has a good head on her shoulders. As of right now she is commited to the adoption. I meet with her next weekend and we will discuss it further. I still need to look into laws both here and there to see about waiting periods and legalities, but so far it looks good. I do believe that the distance will be my greatest assest. I do a lot of praying and I am doing a lot of research, but so far we all feel that a family adoption is the best way to go.

I do, however, have a question for anyone willing to give an opinion. Everyone in both my family and my husbands family say that she should not be allowed to hold the baby the day it is born. I actually agree with that, but was considering a compromise of letting her hold it the day before I leave back to my home. I am getting negitive feedback on that - what do you think?

Thank you for your help and suggestions.
Maria

[DianeS]

Legally, there is no "letting her" do anything. It's HER baby until she signs the relinquishment papers, which usually can't be signed until 24-72 hours after the birth. She can do anything she likes with the baby while it's her child, of course.

In fact, she can forbid YOU to hold HER baby if she chooses!

That didn't feel so nice to read, did it? Of course not. So let go of any ideas your family may have about controlling her access to her own child, and let her decide her own access just as you'll decide yours.

Yes, it's going to be difficult to watch her hold the child and be sad because she wishes she could raise him/her. But that's a crucial decision point that shouldn't be denied, even if you could. You say she's got a good head on her shoulders, so let her use it.

You said "I am meeting with my sister and the birth parents next Sunday to do the final - "yes, you can have the baby". " PLEASE remember that this meeting is NOT the final one! It isn't the final decision until after the baby is born, the relinquishment papers are signed, and the change of heart period of time is over. The decision will be made and re-made a hundred times between now and then.

I wish you luck, and hope it all works out. But go in with both your eyes wide open, and don't assume you have more rights than you really do. It'll go easier that way.

[Kara J]

I agree with Diane S.... it is her baby.... as an adoptive mom, I know that watching the birthmom hold her baby can be very scarry.... all the "what if's" begin to run through your mind.... what if she changes her mind? It is a very hard situation and uncomfortable for you, but will let her have closure.... not only do I feel (IMO) that she should be able to hold it, she should probably have some alone time to say her good-bye's if she chooses to do either or both. I have been in that situation, and it gave me TOTAL peace. I KNOW that my son's birthmother WANTED me to have him... she wasn't coerced in any way and made the dicision on what was best for him. How could I take him if I knew she didn't really want to do it? Let her have the opportunity... even though it's VERY hard... do what you know is right in your heart, not what your family says they think is best.... Would you have wanted to send one of your girls off without a good-bye? I bet you dont even do it now ..... :-)

[3girls1boy]

We are adopting my nephew. My best friend adopted her niece's son. Please don't blow off the previous comments about your extended family's reactions . I know you think you have it all figured out, but in real life things sometimes change. My father and grandmother often feel put in the middle, my sister sometimes regrets placing her son. It is not easy. I would in the least recommend counseling right now for you and your husband, your niece and the potential birthfather, and your niece's parents. See an adoption professional or someone who has dealt with adoption issues. Seriously see everything that can happen, and don't just wear rose colored glasses thinking it will all work out. It can work out, but it will take more work than a typical adoption and you should be ready.

Your niece is this baby's mother and will be treated as such by the hospital and everyone else until she signs the relinquishment papers. She needs to be allowed to see this baby and hold this baby and probably spend some time alone with this baby before she can say good bye to it. Otherwise it will be very hard for her grieving after placing this child.

I would suggest really seeking out some adoption professionals. The things your family is telling you is out of ignorance of never having dealt with adoption before. I think we probably all start out that way. It will be your job to educate them, its not always easy. Get a book on open adoption- Lois Melina wrote a great one. Brenda Romachek contributes to the forum often and would have some great advice for you. Also look for some books on specifically on family adoption.

If you decide and your niece decides to move forward with this adoption, you can do it, but make sure you have educated yourself for the best possible chance at success.

I hope this turns out however it turns out best for the baby- good luck and wishes to all of you.
Lisa

[wgatap]

First of all, I want to thank all of you for contributing. My MIL sent me to "Fourums" for help and that was the best advise prior to your posts. I never thought of it that way. You are so right - she is the mother and has all the rights - WI law says she has to relenquish her rights as the parnet at the same time or before I can petition to adopt - it is her baby.

More than that she needs closure. If she wants to keep the baby, that is the time to find out, not later when it will really hurt. If she is still determined to let me adopt then she will have that special time.

I truly can't thank you all enough for opening my eyes. It sure does make a difference when you see all aspects, not just those of "Concerned Family Menbers".

As for the "final OK" you are right there too. I guess what I meant was the last talk to actually start the process. I told my husband that I will not buy anything for the baby until it is on the way home with us. I can't lose what isn't mine. If I bought a bunch of stuff and don't come home with a baby I will be devistaed. I will however, start the home study and all, but the rest will just have to wait.

I thank God everyday for my family and friends - you are all my friends.

God Bless
Maria

[DianeS]

The "I won't buy anything until the baby is on his/her way home with me" is a feeling a lot of adopting parents have! Some get over it, and some stay that way.

Do go and browse the baby stores anyway, as it sounds like you'd welcome an infant family member no matter how he/she arrived in your home. You can put things on layaway, so that you can either make the final payment and bring them home when you arrive home with the baby, or you can cancel the layaway and get your money back. It's a lot less hurtful having someone call and cancel layaways than it is to have to dismantle a nursery in your home. That might be a good compromise - you're not going to feel like shopping after you arrive home tired, emotionally wiped out, and soothing an equally tired and stressed out baby!

Good luck to you!

[Chey28]

We are in the same situation. The bmom is 19 and this is her second baby. Her mom and stepdad are adopting the first one, a little girl. She's just enrolled in college and is sooo excited about going, it's a huge step for her and her sister. She called us, wanting us to take the baby when it's born. Her mom knew how much we wanted a child, but couldn't have our own. She's set her mind that she's a "surrogate" mother, that the baby is ours, not hers, and has signed the papers for me to call the dr's office and talk to the staff about her pregnancy when I can't go to the appts. We've contacted several atty's, the two we are looking at are not as up on the new laws as I'd like, but since I've informed them about the abandonment issues changing from 2 yrs to pregnancy, they are researching, so I feel pretty comfortable with either of them. I've started looking at nursery stuff and actually broke down and bought a swing and saucer at a yardsale. And found some onesies that were in new condition, or close, I figured, I could practice some machine embroidery on them and if I ruined them I wasn't out much! I suggested to her that she ask the dr about recovering from her c-section on the surgery ward instead of the OB that it might be a little easier for her. She lives about 3 hours away, and wants to known as the baby's cousin, and in time when the baby is old enough, we'll have a reunion. Of course she'll get to see it when we get together, but at least it will be a little easier with it not being the same neighborhood, both for her and us.
I'm trying sooo hard to be cautiously optimistic. I know she wants better for the baby than she can give it right now. And she'll always be able to call and talk to the child as it grows up.
She was asking me when we would tell the child it was adopted and I told her it would be when the child was emotionally mature enough, or started asking questions. And that we would tell it that his or her mommy loved it very much, that she wanted it to have more than she was prepared to give it, and that she knew how much we wanted a child to love and raise. I guess my question is when do you normally tell a child they are adopted? How do you tell them? When do you address the bioparents issue and introductions? I would prefer to wait till the child was 18 for the meeting and let it be their choice.
I wish you all the best of luck and you will be in my prayers. It's all in His hands!
Chey

[chickenrunshrek]

"I guess my question is when do you normally tell a child they are adopted? How do you tell them? When do you address the bioparents issue and introductions? I would prefer to wait till the child was 18 for the meeting and let it be their choice."

I feel that you should tell a child that they were adopted from the beginning. We celebrate both her birthday and Gotcha! day, the day that she came home with us. We've given her age appropriate books on adoption. My favorite is called " The Day We Met You". She is now 4 and it is amazing how much she comprehends. I hope that the more open we are about the subject the less of an issue it will be.

[Chey28]

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense, better than the shock of all of a sudden "btw, you're adopted", and then all the fallout. Or the child finding out accidentally from someone else that doesn't necessarily have their best interests at heart.

What about the bmom? How do you deal with that? With telling them who it is? At least it's not a close relative, altho I hope the bmom and I continue with the relationship we've started.
She's almost like a daughter to me as it is.
thanks, this is all a whole new world to me. My ex was adopted, and remembered some of what it was like, it was a really bad situation and the adoption really was for the best for the kids. His bmom was 15 with 5 kids, if I remember correctly and was in no way prepared to deal or support them all. I helped him find her and was there for the reunion. I hope it's not at all like that with us.
Chey