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  #1  
Old 03-20-2004, 04:18 PM
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Adopted by my grandparents....

My grandparents had six children. When my mother at 16 got pregnent they sent her to a Home for Unwed Mothers and they moved to another state. All of this was to keep shame off of the family.

My grandparents, now deceased are my legal parents. It says so on my birth certificate. My birthmother is my legal sister, etc.
By the time I was old enough to really remember, they had all left the house. I was alone. For all purposes I was an only child.

I did grow up in a home of secrets and lies. Looking back I realize that they had come here from Germany. Maybe that was part of the reason for being so secretive. Maybe it wasn't so popular being a German back then.

My grandmother did not read or write. They dressed me funny.
They were born again Christians. They were very strict. I was only allowed to have friends from church. No movies, playing cards, on and on. We were very poor. Did not even have a car.

They didn't or couldn't give me the love that I needed. That is why I think they adopted me because they thought it was the right thing.

I was never meant to know that I was adopted. I did find out while snooping thru a desk. I was 12. I was very upset. They chose to call my birthmother to the house. She was very cold to me. "They adopted you, they are your parents" All of my life I have wanted her to acknowledge that she is my mother. She won't or can't. She is in the birthmother closet of fear and shame. She told her friends and family that she had no children. She will not back down from that. Do you believe that it still hurts me.

I have wished that I had been adopted by regular people outside of the family. As it was I had no grandparents, no real sisters or brothers, they were my aunts and uncles but they couldn't present themselves the way it really was. I'm sorry if you think I am on the pity-pot, just to show you how it was for me as an adoptee by my gparents.

When my Ma died, at the funeral the minister named each of the children, except me. I wanted to crawl underneath the floor.
She was after all the only mother I ever had. The reason this happened was that the two who made the funeral arrangements did not know that I had actually been adopted. See what I mean about secrets and lies?

I am wondering, how do you all handle all of these things? Is the birthmother going to in the future reject and not acknowledge, as mine has done? I hope not.
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  #2  
Old 04-13-2004, 09:03 PM
oakmoss oakmoss is offline
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Late open adoption by grandparents

I, too, was raised by my grandparents, but on my father's side. I also had a hard time with my grandparents being so old and dressing me funny, giving me bad haircuts and ugly glasses so the other kids teased me; they were so conservative that they wouldn't let me play with any other kids very often and I grew up lonely way out in the country. My grandmother drank too much and was emotionally abusive, and my father is and was a lunatic who played me off against the grandparents constantly in their power struggle. They didn't allow my mother to give me up for adoption - she had been kicked out of her house and had nowhere to go but to my father's family - but I often wish they had. She only stayed until I was around 2 and past the stage of easily being able to attach to another caregiver. All the adoption reunion support things are for people adopted as infants, by people who actually chose to have kids; I was a toddler and didn't come to call my grandmother, or anybody for that matter, "mom" until I was probably six. I was never legally adopted at all. I really don't think I'm a fan of kinship adoption by people who wouldn't be able to pass the screening at a normal agency. My mother came to visit once, 25 years ago, but left without so much as one hug, or even looking me in the eye. I think if I hadn't been such an ugly awkward kid she would have liked me better. We are now about to be reunited. I'm in my late 30s and prettier now. It's hard. I still feel angry with her for abandoning me, for being capable of being so cold and heartless, but I believe that the only way to get through this is to forgive. My father and I don't get along and I may never speak to him again. Although I truly believe in forgiveness for the past he continues to be a jerk into the present. My grandparents are dead and I have no one but my mother's family, and it's hard to be really sure they truly want anything to do with me, apart from guilt. I'm getting to know my brother and sister, and it's such an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like I'm falling in love with them, it's so beautiful and intense, and then I get a dose of cold prickly vibes that you just wouldn't believe, and I don't even know what it is I did wrong. At least my sister lives in the same city now so I'm getting a little bit used to her. Would do anything for them - I'm just crazy about them. But maybe it's too much for them to handle. I know it's hard for me, and I'm older. I'm going to see a therapist but I don't know if it's enough.

Thanks for listening.
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  #3  
Old 04-14-2004, 01:18 PM
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It touched my heart to read your post. You are the only person I have ever encountered that was also raised by your grandparents. Reading what you wrote was like reading my story, at least partly.
You are right, we don't exactly fit into the normal adoptee support group. Adoptees, who most of them were adopted at birth.
I want to suggest to you that you and I could be good support for each other. I don't normally do this, but I am going to give you my email addy, trusting that no one in this group would abuse it.
My name is Carol, I live in San Francisco, here is my addy...
onecjs1@sbcglobal.net I hope to hear from you, I think we can be helpful to each other.
hugs-carol in sf
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  #4  
Old 05-29-2004, 12:31 PM
Rosies42 Rosies42 is offline
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Smile Adopted by grandparents...

Well I adopted my grandson at 5mths old and believe me there is love in his life. My 21yr old daughter (his mother) is a wonderful human being but she was not a mother. She knows this. She had a wonderful future ahead of her and made a mistake, no I shouldn't of wrote that. He is definitely NOT a mistake, he's a wonderful,loving,beautiful child that we're proud of. I had a little girl 7 mths before he was born so it wasn't 'too' much of a hardship to double up on bottles,diapers and love. My daughter comes and visits and treats both 3yr olds alike. I do extend some alone time with her and him whenever possible because I want him to know she does love and care for him but cannot take care of him. He will know someday that she is his birthmother and who is his birthfather (who calls me weekly). I still have a great relationship with her and always will. I do nag sometimes but we made a deal that I only get to do it once a week for 10min.LOL. He's had alot of health problems (hearing loss, asthma, enlarged tonsils and adenoids) that we're taking care of but he'll come out of everything with time. She couldn't of handled raising him as it's definitely taking my husband and I everything we can muster to keep him healthy and spoiled. Both 3yr olds want for nothing and I can thank God that HE brought him into our lives. I think of it as "MORE LOVE FOR ME!!" I'm alittle selfish that way. God gives us a life and we have to have problems to learn from. If you got lemons, make lemonade, I have. I had a terrible childhood,BUT it taught me to be a wonderful human being and mother. Have a good one, Rosie
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Old 06-01-2004, 08:24 PM
2confused 2confused is offline
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I was adopted by my grandfather and his second wife. I say that specifically because there in lies the problem. ... I won't go into all the awful details, but to the grandmother who has just adopted her grandchild... do consider being complete and constantly honest with him. It's awful to wake up one day and ask yourself why everyone always seems to lie to you ... only to realize that the first person to lie to you was the same person who was supposed to love you ..... and probally insisted that you NEVER lie.... If it were me, but IT IS NOT ME - I know - But still, I would not ever allow him to call me mother... there is nothing wrong with being called grandma.

Think of it this way:
everyone lies a little... to the cashier at the store who might say something about must be a special occassion and you say yes even though it's not.... but you lie to people who don't matter nor effect your life... you do not lie to people you love and respect. I hope that includes your grandson.
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  #6  
Old 06-02-2004, 07:42 AM
Rosies42 Rosies42 is offline
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I am legally his mother....

I am legally his mother, what would the "lie" be. He's loved by everyone including his bio mother. There's nothing sinister here. He'll be told when "we" all think he's mature enough to handle it.
He's a wonderful, happy children as all my children are. There are disfunctional families out in the world but will not include mine thank you very much. My children (even the adopted one) are told they are loved daily. I have no intention of holding anything back but everything happens in it's own time and for a reason. I'd like to do with with the bio mother and hopefullly the father there also. I'm trying to keep all in his life at this point and talk to the bio father weekly. Don't judge unless your in our home.
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Old 06-02-2004, 07:28 PM
2confused 2confused is offline
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Ok... Rosie.... do as you will.

Does anyone remember Bobby Darrin??? I just love him!!! I was born in the wrong year! He is the cutest and sexiest man.. well dead as it is.... but very famous still....

Do you know his story?
One of the many sites is:
http://www.bobbydarin.net/darin2.html

Of course feel free to search for others... I am sure they are out there.... but the part that is pertanent is down a few paragraphs, 9 to be exact... it says:
" In 1968, when he was considering a career in politics, Bobby discovered his "mother" Polly was actually his Grandmother and his "sister" Nina was really his mother. This painful revelation altered him for the rest of his life. "

There have been shows done on him, books written about him...sites devoted to him. I know you will continue to love and adore your grandson and I know that he will love and adore you also... NO MATTER WHAT... but it might be worth doing a poll...?
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Old 06-03-2004, 04:58 AM
Rosies42 Rosies42 is offline
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Poll if it makes you feel better

Jack Nicolson is/has been in the same situation. He's fine. Must of been loved. In this world, all you need is love. Like I wrote, poll if you must but you will not change me or our situation. Everyone's situation is different. There are people out there that were raised by their own parents and not their grandparents and turned out to be serial killers. If I'd of had a choice of parents I surely wouldn't of picked out mine but I turned out fine. You must of been abused/confused to have such a chip on your shoulder over this whole issue. My MIL at the age of 15 was trying to put her daughter up for adoption when the natural father stepped in and took her to raise at the age of 1 and she's now 50 and still has issues with her mother. I think that's ridiculous to hold a grudge/chip for something that may at that time been the only option my MIL had. Move on with your life and overcome the obstacles, that's what we're here for. No one's life is perfect, if you find one, send them to me. We do the best we can with what we were given in this life. Throw the past behind you and look forward to the future. I've lost a son 7 yrs ago(he was 18)and am heartbroken. If I could of took his place under his car (where he was slowly crushed) I would of, but can't turn back the clock or subject those around me for something I can't do anything about. I HAVE to look forward to life. I have to.
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  #9  
Old 06-03-2004, 08:08 AM
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SandraJeanWoods SandraJeanWoods is offline
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grandparent adoption

I was raised, lovingly, by my grandfather and his third wife, who was unable to have children after having a tubal preg. I always knew I was adopted. I was an only child. I only found out that they were Grandparents after my MoM dies and one of her friends blurted out the truth. I am 52 now and both a parents are dead. I have a little info but am getting nowhere. I was adopted in Mich. at the age of 3. I was born in Fort Worth, TX. But I guess the point here is that I was very much loved. Sandi
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Old 06-03-2004, 08:46 AM
2confused 2confused is offline
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I absolutely agree with all you need is love... but you also need trust and you do NOT gain trust through lies.

I was loved BUT also very lied to... I was told that the 'dad' second daughter died in a car wreck before I was born... come to find out the reason I just loved her picture and was always drawn into staring at it, was because she was my real mother and died when I was 17 months old... and according to her/my 'sister' ??? she never let me out of her site unless she was at school (attending business college).... other interesting fact I only found out this week... my first appartment with my first husband was the SAME appartment she and I had... weird huh...

anyway as I was saying ... love yes ... that is all that babies and children need.... but as adults we need to be able to trust and lies do not equate to trust. I was out and out lied to. Even when I found proof and asked... the lies continued.. SO THERE I KNOW THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE between my situation and yours! I just want to make sure you think it out.

I did NOT know of the Jack Nicholson store so I had to look it up... perhaps he didn't have a problem because when he found out everyone involved (except him) was dead and there really wasn't anyone to talk to about it???

"He remained unaware of the situation till informed in 1974 by a journalist who'd been researching a feature on him. The details remain sketchy as, by that time, both his mother and grandmother were dead, both having taken their secret to the grave, and Nicholson subsequently had next-to-no contact with his real father. But this is the generally accepted truth."

OR maybe it really does bother him... there are many stories about him being a womanizer??? and maybe it's none of our business....

I WOULD STILL LOVE TO HEAR FROM OTHERS WHO WERE ADOPTED BY GRANDPARENTS AND NOT TOLD ABOUT IT UNTIL ADULTS or NEVER TOLD ABOUT IT... JUST FOUND OUT BY ACCIDENT!!!
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  #11  
Old 06-08-2004, 11:32 AM
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I am so sorry for all the pain you have experienced as an adoptive child.
I am a Grandmother and have temporary custody of my 1 year old Grandchild because her biological Mommy is very irresponsible. I would like to adopt this beautiful child since the "real" parents won't take care of her the way she, and EVERY child deserves to be taken care of.
I am soooo sorry for all your pain, and reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I never want to cause my Grandchild ANY pain, as she has experienced enough already.
I am only 40 yrs. old, and hope I can be a young Grandma so my Grandchild is not embarrassed or shamed in any way.
Knowing how you feel about being adopted, I will try my best to ALWAYS be honest with my Grandchild and let her know, (if we do get to adopt), as soon as she can understand that she is adopted by her Grandma and who her biological Mommy is. I have thought about it before and decided that I would tell her the truth, that her "real" Mommy loved her so much that she wanted her to have the best home she possibly could and have all the love and security that Grandma could provide and Mommy couldn't at the time.
Do you have any other tips for me to help this child know that she is the most wonderful being on Earth and to know just how much her "real" Mommy and I love her?
Thank you so much, and please know that you are very wonderful people for sharing your stories and feelings so openly.
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Old 06-08-2004, 04:19 PM
2confused 2confused is offline
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Yes I am angry and in pain about my own story... It is very recently that it actually dawned on me ... my difference to most of those searching here... I was NOT 'given' up for adoption. My birthmother was killed in a car accident when I was 18 or 19 months old.

My anger is directly at my 'a-mother' as she is refered to here ... because she did everything she could to destroy any evidence that my birth mother ever existed. I have 4 or 5 pictures of her as a young adult. That's it... and why? NOT because I could ever RUN to her... she's dead... what was the point? It was a family adoption.... oh a-mother was NOT my birth mother's birth mother... but her father's second wife.... again... just what was suppose to be gained by destroying any evidence that she ever existed?

I have, in my life - and I am 47 years old, met many many people who where adopted... the ones that are happy healthy adults and have great relationships with thier adoptive parents where the ones who's adoptive parents were honest with them when they asked questions... kept as much info as possible for them should they want it... the ones who were messed up where the ones who were lied to and decieved....

Now there isn't any reason to blurt out info, but have it available... answer questions....

I think that one of my problems is that at 18 months old I knew who my mother was... I have a feeling that it was quite confusing to have someone I barely knew (It was my understanding that my Birth mother and amom did NOT like each other)... anyway I think it was confusing to have someone I barely knew tell me that she was b-mom and real b-mom never existed.

again... anyone else out there with similiar experiences??? I would love to have someone to chat with about this... as most have no understanding of how it feels....
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  #13  
Old 11-06-2004, 08:57 PM
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I was just at a search engine, looking for material on adoptees
who were adopted by grandparents. I read part of a post and
thought to myself that I could have written that. I linked on to
it and here I am and in fact, I did write that. That is too funny.

Jack Nicholson was an adoptee and didn't find out until his mother had passed away. Does he have issues. I bet he has
at least some issues. I think that all adoptees do, don't matter
if it is a relative adoption or stranger adoption.

I have issues and I was adopted by my grandparents. I never
felt the love that I needed. I don't think that they ever wanted me, rather that it was there Christian duty to keep me in the family. They feared that I would do what my mother did and get pregnent. I did. I was 16 and unable to care for him like I wanted him to be cared for, to have a real family.
He is loved by his family, when I had first contact with him he
told me I was not intruding, but a dream come true. There is
a bond between mother and child. When a mother loses her child in any way including adoption, she has a BIG HOLE in her heart.
So much shame and grief. (this is true)
My son understands that I was only 16, but he still has issues. Nothing is perfect. He lives in
Washington State and I live in California. He loves to come here and spend time with me, he does not want me to go where he
lives. WHY? My only guess is that he fears hurting his mother
that raised him. I abide by his wishes.

The bond is there, normally between mother and child. Except
for my mother who is my legal sister. She is still in that birth
mother closet of fear and shame. I am still hidden by all but
birth family. It hurts so, to not be acknowledged by your own
mother.

For grandparents who adopoted, I hope you still have room in
your heart for your daughters and there huge loss. No matter
what the circumstances, it is a loss to them.

Any who responded that they are also adopted by grandparents
or other family members, please check out my group.
A FAMILY MATTER
www.groups.yahoo.com/group/afamilymatter

We are all looking for support.

or my private email onecjs1@sbcglobal.net

HUGS TO ALL
Lady-C
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  #14  
Old 11-06-2004, 09:10 PM
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Believe it or not, in my last long post, I forgot to say something.

Because my grandparents were legally my parents and my
aunts and uncle were legally my sisters and brother and mother.

I always felt that I was missing something other children had.
Grandparents to love and spoil me. Aunts and Uncle and
nieces and nephews.
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  #15  
Old 11-07-2004, 04:29 AM
Rosies42 Rosies42 is offline
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Alots happened since last post

I feel like everyone's thrown rocks at me for adopting my grandson, whom I didn't want to be adopted outside the family and wonder for the rest of my life if he was being abused in some way and in this day and age that happens frequently.

I am now handling a whole different situation than before my recent post. My son is autistic and develpementally delayed and is going to a 'special' school though he's only 3. He is hard to handle out in public and I know other people stare at his behavior but it's part of the syndrome. He's learning to speak and is getting help in his delays. I know that my patience and love has helped him and he will continue to improve. His mother could NOT handle what I handle on a day to day basis and everyone tells me " I don't know HOW you do it". It's love,basic and unconditional. I ask my daughter from time to time as we talk several times a week, so she can tell me about her 'flavor of the week', that Alex is EXACTLY where he needs to be. Pierod. End of story.
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