[Lady-C]

Dear Rosie....I hold you in high regard for your ability to give
Alex the love and the ability to grow, whatever his limitations.
((((((ROSIE))))))

As an in-family adoptee and reunited birthmother, I would not
for a moment say that ALL adoptions are bad. In the family or
out, when the mother isn't willing or able to take care of her
own child with love and her first priority, then that baby is in
desperate need of a home.

As in life, there is good and bad. Probably not too many adoptees
who do not have ISSUES, come to support groups.

Why do I come to grandparent support group? To let you see another side of the story. To let you know that most adoptees
knew that there was a SECRET, even before they were told or
regrettably that they found out on there own. From what I understand, in stranger adoption, the adopters are told that it
is important to tell there child about the adoption.

Most definetly with a special needs child like Alex, you have to
go by what your heart tells you is best.

I am not educated in these matters, just how I see it, in my
little world.

[Dustbunnie]

I was raised by my grandparents from birth and adopted by them at about three. My bio parents were married but young, and my bio mom had a lot of emotional problems that left her completely incapable of caring for a child, it was my bio father's parents that adopted me. I always knew I was adopted by my grandparents and I will always think of them as my real parents, but my bio parents were always a welcome part of my life.

There were times when I was a teen that I had a lot of issues with my bio mother, but I don't think I ever once wished that things had worked out differently. Just like in all situations I guess it depends on the people involved. I feel so bad for those of you who were lied to, I can't imagine how that would feel. Definitely honesty is the best thing. I was lucky in that I never once was made to feel unloved or unwanted by anyone in the family.

Rosie, you sound like an awesome mom! Big hugs to you and Alex!

[Lady-C]

First of let me say, I agree, big applause for Rosie.

I am glad you posted, it is so good to hear success stories.
If only I had been told the truth when I was young, it would
have been so much better. The truth is always better then lies.

You having a relationship with all of them, that is fantastic.
I am 61 and I am still hurt that my mother won't acknowledge
me. Part of that, I am sure, is that she has told everyone that she had no children, in other words her pride. Not caring or
thinking of my pride. I am not against adoption when there is
no alternative.

Recently I was in a birthparent here at adoption foruns. There
was a grandmother who had adopted and wasn't sure if she
should tell the child. Well you KNOW I jumped in on that one.
A few days ago and she thanked me personally and said that
she did tell him and felt good about it.

I wish my in-family adoption had been a success. Since my mother won't talk about any of what happened, I just started
a group for birthmothers who were sent to the Homes for Unwed Mothers and for the adoptees to learn of the trauma there mothers went thru for the sake of the babies. One day there
was two of us,now there are 23. Unbelievable.

You were blessed in life, I am happy for you

[Dustbunnie]

Hi Lady C
I absolutely agree that children should know when they were adopted, especially when it's within the family. Had I learned about my birth circumstances by chance I know I would have felt betrayed. For me I think it would have made it extremely difficult to have a relationship with my bio parents too.
My bio mom is the only one I have left now, both my (grand)parents and my bio dad have passed away, so I am glad I was able to build up a good relationship with her. I don't want to sound like everything is always sunshine and smiles, but overall we've done pretty good.

[Daniellelee]

im 17 years old and i live with my grandparents in fl. My mom and dad both live in ny. its been very hard on me because i have been bounced around from home to home for going on 4 years. my parents slpilt when i was 13. for a while it was me my dad and my brother in a 1 room appartment. it was rough. the end of my 8th grade year i moved down with my grandparents in florida but on thatns giving my mother came down to suprise me it turned out to be a bad idea. my mom and grandmom got in to a very big fight and my mom told em to pack my bags im comming back to ny with her. we drove the whole night. after i went back to ny i was with my mom and her bf for 6 months. i dont get along with him so i went to stay with my dad and his gf and her 2 daughters there was constint fighting between me and the girls (Emily 15 and Cherlotte 12) so i had to move in with my mom again. it goes on like this for 2 years. i finaly went to stay with my aunt and uncle for about 6 months and then my aunts mentaly handicaped sister came to live with us there was no room for me i went to stay with dad again and i have been staying with him up untill october 18 i moved back down here with my grqndparents and now they want to adopt me . im so confused because my mom and dad dont want me and yet my mother does not want to give up rights to me? i want to be my grandparents child and they want that for me also. i need help trying to be adopted with out the permition of my parents if thats possable. please help me *Danielle*

[Rosies42]

Danielle, You said you were 17. At 18 your a legal adult and your parents will not have ANY say on your adoption by your grandparents. They seem to be your only stability. They must love you something fierce to want to adopt you and get you out of the mess your parents put you in. Do whatever you can to stay with them. I guess I don't understand why your mother will not let them adopt you.

[Daniellelee]

i thought it would be something like that but i just now turned 17 and my b-day is october so its a while yet befor they can do any thing about adoptiing me. also the are on a fixed income $1000 a month between the 2 of them. its really hard my parents are supposto support me with something like $450 a month but so far i have only received 200 and i have been down here for 2 months and i am still in school i need new clothes because i am getting to big for my old ones and its like trying to "pull teeth" as mny grandmother says but i dont know what to do. if you know anyhting about any help that i can get with the money part of the adoption then please contact me once again

[Rosies42]

Well with me, and keep in mind this took place in Arkansas. I still had to have a home study, but since it was a 'relative' adoption it was a lot easier. It didn't cost me but around $500. I would get your grandparents to pursue being legal guardians and then the courts can get BOTH parents to pay child support. That may not be what comes about but it seems the fair thing to do. Regardless you do need to be took care of and just going to DHS might prompt some action since your grandparents are on a fixed income. Phone calls never hurt to find out what can be done. You also can get emansipation (divorced) from your parents. Low income legal aide may help in your case also. There may be others out there that can offer more info than me. Every state is different in what you can do. Good Luck!!!!

[Daniellelee]

heyy , thatnks alot for your help i dont knowhow long its going to to take to do all this but it sounds like a lenthy process i think i might just wait till im 18 then do it it will be so much easyer!

[VickiS]

I for one, think it's great for grandmothers to adopt their grandchildren. Not every story is negative like I just read here. I am a registered nurse who makes home visits. In my situation I see many moms (biologically grandmothers) who have adopted their grandchild. In all situations the child is loved to the max and would not be better off anywhere else. .......Don't be discouraged by what you read on this site. There are many, many positive stories that you haven't heard. /VS

[janetleigh78]

[/quote]
See what I mean about secrets and lies?

I am wondering, how do you all handle all of these things? Is the birthmother going to in the future reject and not acknowledge, as mine has done? I hope not.[/quote]

I personally think that these things are very case by case. I don't think that children should be lied to though. Obviously they won't understand the whole story and things change (mom's with problems may work them out etc.) so keeping it simple as time goes on let them ask questions and delve deeper into the truth... but no lies necessary. Is calling grandma mom a lie? I'm going to have to say that anyone who thinks telling the child that they are mom when they're not is opening a door for possible confusion. Who cares if Jack was fine and the other guy wasn't... thats the way it goes in life. Not everyone can deal with things the same way and there's a lot more to it than just the name. Every word and every action compiles into a bigger picture that gets seen through the eyes of that individuals emotional perspective and capability.

Your story Lady-C, compiled to be one of lies and mistrust that you saw right through. There are bonds in human nature that can't be denied within your soul no matter what words are said. The things that were done to you and your mother, the shaming and mind games, have surely permanently altered your perception. It is who you are from now on and you get to choose to see who you are as good or bad and learn from it or not. The saddest story of all is your mother. What a cold cold place she is coming from to deny herself the love of her child. It defies nature. The shame and indignity pressed upon her during those years of silence have clearly broken her and twisted her into a harsh sad creature.

I never saw anyone call into question Rosie's reason for adopting or her intent toward her grandchild/child. I don't think anyone was trying to be unfair to her in fact. Their concern for her grandchild/child is a real one however. It may seem like the best idea for the long run to let a child have someone to call "mom" through grandmother. But a child that is raised to believe that its OK to be raised by "grandmother" because birthmom couldn't do it has nothing to be shamed by and often don't feel they've missed out on anything when they are loved. Its all just labels anyways right? No special rights or love come from the label. It just makes clear the biological order of it all. Seriously, its all in the presentation.

My parents promised to leave me with the name 'mom' but took that away right after the adoption was final. This breaks my heart because that was the only name I could have other than sister or the name they made up for me "mama janet". It confuses her friends and teachers. Everything is a mess. She would've loved them and loooked up to them just as much. Instead, she is confused as she gets older and gets angry when she doesn't like the answers. Just something for you guys to think about when deciding on the name thing and what light to tell their birthstory in. GOOD LUCK! Its so much more complicated than an outsider could ever know and the feelings and interactions between birth and adoptive parent are still as complex! -- Janet

[isabel34]

My b-mothers parents adopted four children, she was the eldest daughter. At 17 she gave birth to me. I have no idea why but although I was never legally adopted (I found this out when I saw my full birth certificate for the first time at 24) I was also NEVER allowed to tell anyone or refer to my Grandparents as anything other than Mum and Dad. My b-mother made appearances throughout my life and even picked me up for weekends for a time until she started a new family. All the while I had to be sure and keep our secret. It was like being knowingly given up for adoption every time I saw her. I spent a great deal of my life seeking her approval and love hoping that one day I would be good enough for her to take me home. I felt like an unwelcome stranger all my life.

It was a very unhappy household. There was always shouting and continual dramas of one sort or another. Elderly parents, a mentally handicapped aunt/sister with a wicked and violent temper and an alcoholic uncle/brother who subsequently drank himself to death. Very dysfunctional. My b-mother of course knew what she was leaving me with, she grew up miserably too. We were always on the edge of poverty and moved about 20 times before I left home, pregnant at a young age myself. Of course, I chose to accept the responsibility.

She viewed my misery from afar. The most support I ever got from her was the occasional painful one liner. "I know where you can get an abortion up to 5 months if you decide to do that" was the only advice on teenage pregnancy I was offered. When I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my daughters father and close to suicidal, "You've got to take control of your life." Countless gems of a similar nature are all that have been offered whenever I sought guidance.

Four days ago I quit seeking her approval.

I wrote a letter to her begging her to please tell me what happened and why so that I could try and come to terms with it all. I left it at her house and told her where it was so as to be certain she received it.

I have received no response.

I know that if I get a response it will be telling me how selfish I am to have brought all of this up. I just can't take it anymore. If she cannot even give me an hour of her time for me then I want no more to do with her. It's too painful.

All she seems to be concerned with is her family and her career. When I was about 9 she asked I never tell anyone about us, particularly the press because it could ruin her or her husband’s career. They are quite wealthy and successful.

Now I have finally decided to stop the lies and in future will refer to my family in their true roles. My b-mother is my mother whether she likes it or not.

On the upside, I have had contact with my b-father for the last 13 years and I am certain that without his support I would not have had the strength to do all of this. He and his/my family have been an enormous support to me and are always proud to introduce me and my daughter to all and sundry.

I had my daughter when I was a very young looking 19. I suffered all the stares and whispers throughout my pregnancy and still today when I am constantly told that I don't look old enough to have a 15 year old daughter.... If only I had a dollar for every time I've heard that one! It's been worth every moment. She is truly my sunshine. No secrets and lies for us!

If only I didn't have to wonder why my mother didn't want that with me.

[Lady-C]

Your story is my story. I was adopted by gparents, never knew for sure until I got my
OBC. I have so much to say to you and would like to post to you privately. My mother
is 78, and I am still her secret.
onecjs1@sbcglobal.net

i know exactly how you feel- hugs-carol

[Dustbunnie]

I think I must have the opposite situation of the other ladies here, I don't have a bmother who refuses to acknowledge that she gave birth, I have one that seems to me to be overly eager to proclaim she is a mother. I do love her, but not as my mother. I will always regard my amom as my 'real' mother, I just don't have any feeling towards my bmother that she is a mom, and I don't remember ever wanting her to be my mom or wishing she would take me home.

During the time I was growing up bmother was either extremely uncomfortable and short tempered around me (she is still extremely nervous around children unless they are very quiet) or very jealous if people paid attention to me rather than her. These days I am the only person she has to rely on, she never learned to drive so I am there to take her to the store or anywhere else she wants to go. I still feel some bitterness towards her that I shouldn't be feeling.

Sometimes I wish I could trade with the ladies who have bmoms that refuse to admit they have a daughter. I would be content if mine was happy to just be a friend.

Slightly late holiday hugs to all. I hope happier days come to everyone.

[Lady-C]

I was just wondering what relationship was your bmom in your life as you were growing up? I mean fact is, your
mother is your mother, no matter what any legal papers say. My mother has convinced herself that because her parents adopted me, she is legally me sister, she didn't raise me, so she isn't my mother. She doesn't feel like she is my mother. It really doesn't matter how one feels, facts are if we are adopted, we have an adopitve mother, whether that be a relative or not, and we have a birh mother. Nothing can ever change that. My mother
will not acknowledge my son as her only natural gchild,
because she won't acknowledge me. Fact are facts though, and she can't change the facts. I hope one
day you will see your mother for who she really is.

Children and mothers never truly part
Bound in the beating of each others heart
charlotte gray