[yasta]

We are so excited !!

The baby is due August 8th. We have two sons whome we've adopted 8 and 6 year ago respectively.

It would be nice if the baby is a girl. However, as long as it is healthy.

What should I expect from a realtive adoption?

The baby should call his biological mom cousin "lisa" like the rest of my sons would call her?

Not sure what I should expect.

Yasta
excited about being a mom in August.

[slswank]

Hi, i saw your message and got so excited. We adopted our daughter 2 years ago from my cousin on my dad's side. Here is our story; My husband and I had tried to conceive for 3 years and was at the time in the middle of doing inseminations and injections. My last insemination did not work and we were waiting on invitro in a month and got the call from my uncle. He said that his daughter was pregnant and he had just found out, and had talked to her and she did not want to keep the baby. He asked us if we would consider adopting the baby. We were shocked. She had tried to get an abortion and was too far along. Thank god !!!! Anyway we talked to her and decided to do it. She was in high school and need help getting to dr. appt and help with money too. We kind of took her in. She stayed with us alot and we really grew to love her. I really didn't know her that well because she was adopted out of our family as a little girl. HEr dad gave up rights and let her stepdad adopt her. Her stepdad ended up in jail for sexually abusing her. She had alot of problems after that so her mom called her father(my uncle) to take her back. He did. Its a long story but she gave birth and her mother and family was there and very against it. I got to be in the delivery room with her and her mom. I had been to all dr. appt and us appt. She signed the papers and left the next day. We stayed with our baby until she left the hospital. We had a lawyer all the way through to guide us and to take care of the fathers' rights, which he signed away without any problem. Write me if you want to know more, but we have had a very positive experience and are very glad each day we did this and ecspecially when we see where she would have lived and the life she would have had. Her birthmom just got arrested for public intoxication! We are ecstatic that we have her. It was a blessing from god and we do believe that she was meant to be ours. I forgot to add that we also have a 1 year old son, which we got pregnant with 1 month after we adopted our daughter. Weird huh! Talk about blessed..

[yasta]

We are seriously thinking of having the birthmother come stay with us for three prior to birth.

How was it while your cousin was living with you ? Is it still an open adoption ?

Does she visit often?

We want her to come live with us to assure proper prenatal care, counselling and so she can clear her mind and really get to know each other.

You must have your hands full with two toddlers.

Yasta

[slswank]

I am so glad that you responded back. Yes we had birthmom come stay with us. We may have been a little selfish, but it was mainly to keep people from filling her mind with stuff. I think you probably understand already. Everyone has their opinion of the situation. Anyway, it worked well because I got to feel like Kenlie was mine already. I was the one who paid the dr's and took her and fed her. I took the birthmom out for those late night cravings. We did the shopping for maternity clothes. That was fun! You will be suprised how close you become and we almost felt like we were adopting her in a way. We took care of her for 9 months. I would say that you should have her move in with you, at least you will know what is going through her mind all the time. She will have alot going through her mind. How old is your cousin? What side of the family is she on? Susan visits about 1 time every 1-2 months, but never for long. She some and goes fairly quick, but I think alot of it is because Kenlie looks like her and she is an amazing little girl. She is so smart and friendly. She has always been polite and so mothering to her baby brother. I love that they are so close in age because they love each other so much.

I do the picture thing for everyone. It gets expensive, but I love to show her off. Anyway, I am happy for you. Do you have a lawyer? Ask away I have been through it... Kenlie does not have much contact with my dad's side of the family because we have never been very close. My dad has some problems with it because he should really be her uncle not her g-pa. Susan's mom only sees Kenlie 1x a year if that. She harly ever somes over. Susan was just arrested for public intox, and I haven't spoken to her since. She was going to the airforce at the end of the month, but who knows now. I am sorry this is so long and choppy, it late.. I hope you write back with details on how everything is going. Sherri

[KathyBornRenee]

Yes we had birthmom come stay with us. We may have been a little selfish, but it was mainly to keep people from filling her mind with stuff.

It's a LOT selfish. A mother keeping her child is not a bad thing. If she was at all waivering, you probably made her feel obligated to you by taking care of her. That's disgusting.

Anyway, it worked well because I got to feel like Kenlie was mine already.

She wasn't your's. She was not your's until your adoption was final.


I was the one who paid the dr's and took her and fed her. I took the birthmom out for those late night cravings.

She was not a birthmom. She was an expectant mom. She did not become a birthmom until she gave birth, and relinquished her parental rights.

[eek40]

Yes we had birthmom come stay with us. We may have been a little selfish, but it was mainly to keep people from filling her mind with stuff.

It's a LOT selfish. A mother keeping her child is not a bad thing. If she was at all waivering, you probably made her feel obligated to you by taking care of her. That's disgusting.

Anyway, it worked well because I got to feel like Kenlie was mine already.

She wasn't your's. She was not your's until your adoption was final.


I was the one who paid the dr's and took her and fed her. I took the birthmom out for those late night cravings.

She was not a birthmom. She was an expectant mom. She did not become a birthmom until she gave birth, and relinquished her parental rights.


I agree with Kathyborn 100%. Well said!
Aimee

[emrose]

[quote]Originally posted by slswank
[b]Yes we had birthmom come stay with us. We may have been a little selfish, but it was mainly to keep people from filling her mind with stuff. Everyone has their opinion of the situation. Anyway, it worked well because I got to feel like Kenlie was mine already. I was the one who paid the dr's and took her and fed her. I took the birthmom out for those late night cravings. We did the shopping for maternity clothes. That was fun! You will be suprised how close you become and we almost felt like we were adopting her in a way. We took care of her for 9 months. I would say that you should have her move in with you, at least you will know what is going through her mind all the time.
***********************************

Omg!
The above words are SO sad! And I'M sad! For that mother and child who, if it hadn't been for the prospective amother keeping this expectant mother sequestered and indebted, may be together today. Who knows for sure? I don't. But I DO know this...

Keeping an expectant mother away from a support-system, away from people who would counsel her withOUT bias, and DEFINITELY away from people who would counsel that mother and child stay together if at all possible, is the MO of the majority of maternity homes of the past and sadly that of some present-day maternity homes. All for the purpose of making sure that expectant mother (NOT "BIRTHMOTHER"!!!) decides to relinquish HER child.

No woman or couple can claim another woman's unborn child as theirs until such time as the adoption is finalized by the courts. No expectant mother is a birthmother until such time as she signs those relinquishment papers!

That the poster admits to, claims joy from, and ADVOCATES TO OTHERS the keeping an expectant mother with them, away from everyone who could possibly counsel that mother about keeping her own child, does nothing less than disgust me! HOW can ANYone do something so completely selfish, so grasping, so heartless? HOW is she going to be able to look that child in the eye some day and explain how she kept that child's own MOTHER away from people who may have helped her raise him/her? Kept the child's mother away from people who hopefully would have influenced her to make up HER OWN MIND without pressure and a probable feeling of owing her child in repayment?? Kept the child's mother away so that she (the amom) could practically be assured of getting that child for her own? How does she think that child may react to such news as an adult?

It also sickens me to realize that my post will most likely not be read by "slswank", because she CERTAINLY needs to see it. But like Kathy/Renee Karen Racine, I will probably be banned for stating truth.

This "slswank" needs to get herself busy reading the words of adoptees who have grown up in households where the aparents acted in such a manner. And needs to prepare herself for the possibly very negative reaction from the child she raised. My GOD I'm sorry I clicked that link!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And one last thought...
The "slswank" poster talked about LOVING that expectant mother. If that was "love", I would hate to see the opposite! OMG! I've got tears in my eyes thinking about it, and for that mother and child. I pray for the happiness of the adopted child, but think she/he will have a long, long road to such a state of mind IF the truth ever comes out (which I highly doubt... I've seen no evidence of HONESTY yet in that post!).

[SoCalMom]

Hi, that is exciting news for you! We adopted my niece's baby 2 years ago. My niece lives in another state so I only had phone contact with her during the pregnancy. Our family was really excited the baby would be staying in the family. It took me awhile to come to grips with relationships changing (my brother goes from grandpa to uncle, etc.) but that is all working out fine too.

Our journey was emotional because although my niece knew it was financially and emotionally the best decision to have us raise the baby, she had a hard time always believing it. Had her circumstances been different, she would have kept it. At one point she called and said she thought she wanted to keep it and as disappointed as I was, could only tell her I supported her in whatever decision she made. Having never been pregnant, I couldn't even begin to imagine the enormity of the decision she was making when she could feel the baby moving inside her. Two weeks later she called back and told us she had changed her mind. At this point, I was working overtime not getting my hopes up because I was concerned she would again struggle with her decision once the baby was born.

The baby was born 6 weeks early, so during the baby's week stay in the hospital, my niece and the birth father contemplated how they could afford to keep and raise their baby. I know it was a particularily difficult time for them (and for me) but really had to fight (again) not to show my disappointment. In the end, they decided it was in the child's best interest if they let us raise her.

Thus far, I think it has worked out well. I think my daughter is very fortunate that she will know her birth family and they get to see her grow up. As soon as she is old enough she will know my niece is her birthmother and not just her cousin. Your child will have this too.

A lot of people found the whole situation weird, but I've learned to shrug off the comments that are made. I know that our daughter is blessed to have so many people who love her and she will always know her roots. Our second child we are in the process of adopting has a completely different situation and will never know her birth family.

Anyway, best wishes to you with your new addition!

[NCMom]

I read this thread with interest because I too have our potential birthmother living with us. But it is not for any sinister reasons like I want to keep her sequestered away so she does not change her mind. I have known this girl for a couple years and she came to us. We have 3 kids, 2 bio and 1 adopted. I would only consider a FULLY open integrated adoption. I have talked to her MANY MANY times about her option to parent and offered to help her find resources to do so.

But the fact is that she is insistent that at 17, she does not want to parent. But if she changes her mind, and decides to parent than that is fine and we would support that. Her dad kicked her out, her Mom is too busy with her boyfriend, her aunts is too crowded etc etc. She refuses to even consider a maternity home. So what are we supposed to do? We pay for her medical and thats it. Her Mom covers her expenses which she is happy to do as long as "M" is out of her hair. We have thrown a jillion different options her way. Once she decided to continue the pregnancy (she toyed with the idea of abortion for quite some time) she insists this is the only option. I think we drive her crazy with the "Are you Sure?'s and the "Well what about if you do this?" scenarios.

I just want you to consider that every situation is unique and different. Not all potential a-parents are scheming and manipulative. Yes, Slswank's post seemed like she was a definite Susan Burns "Fast Track" graduate! And if you read any of my posts on the Birthmother suicide thread which included my letters and replies to the "good" Dr. Burns, you know exactly where I stand on THAT woman!!!

All I know is whether or not we adopt "M"'s baby, or we stand by and support her while she parents him (we found out it's a boy last week) that we love her and she will, god willing, be a part of our family forever.

Peace!

Laura in Houston TX

[BoredBlonde]

Omigosh, this is so depressing and discouraging. Is every adopted person so bitter and hateful towards people who want to adopt, and I assume towards their own adopted parents, too? My neice is pregnant and has asked my husband and I to adopt her baby. She is still wavering a little, so I am trying not to get my hopes up, and I tell her I will support her in any decision she makes, tho it has been almost 8 years since I have had a baby and my arms ache to hold another one. We would have a totally open adoption, there is no question of it, as all my children will naturally know where the baby came from, and I prefer that anyways. But will this baby be hateful and bitter his whole life, like these people who are posting here? Should I tell my neice that I don't want to adopt, and she should keep her baby? But what if she takes him to an agency instead and gives him to strangers? That would haunt me forever, that we could have kept the baby in the family, but I caused that not to happen. But the more I read in these forums, the more scared I am that this will all blow up in my face someday. If I adopt this child, I plan to love and care for him the same as my other children, but will that be enough? Will he hate me someday for taking him from his mother? Will he commit suicide, do drugs? I know that every human being can choose to do those things, adopted or not, but is there SUCH a huge risk of it? Are there no HAPPY adopted people out there, HAPPY adoptive parents, reasonably content mothers who have given their baby over for someone else to care and provide for? Someone please tell me that there are some! And that they are maybe just not out there looking on websites because they are content and going about their happy lives.... This is SO depressing.

[yasta]

and adopted.

We just don't here from them because of that specfic reasons they have no major issues or being adopted is NOT there number one reason or rules their lives.

They've had a pleasant and happy childhood thus there is no reason to voice.

Just like we always hear bad news, but rarely good news on tv.

My cousin has and we unfortunately can not have her come and live with us right now.

She is still adament about letting us adopt her baby and checking with other family members she is still positive.

She has support of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother about placing the baby with us.

I know it will not be easy doing an open adoption , but we are ready. We live out the country so we could bond easily in the beginning.

Yasta

P.S. Don't get discourage talk to her, make her feel comfortable that you will support her whether she decides to parent or place the baby with you all.

Lastly, should you adopt the baby , give the baby unconditional love, safe and happy environment,also contact with the birthparent as needed.

[eek40]

Dear Bored,
No not every adoptee is bitter, the main crust of the "anger" in this post was due to this line.

"Yes we had birthmom come stay with us. We may have been a little selfish, but it was mainly to keep people from filling her mind with stuff. I think you probably understand already. "

If adoption is done correctly it can be a wonderful thing, I am adopteed and I have issues, in part due to me being adopteed, part gentics, etc. But who doesnt have issues in this world we live in?

What the main "anger" was was the OWNERSHIP that was quoted above. Birthmothers are not birthmothers until they have given birth and have signed the papers. They need support, options to parent, and understanding. All of which you yourself seem to be willing to provide.

Adoption regardless of what people want to make it. Is not a warm happy fuzzy thing. It comes loaded with debate issues. While it provides a family that desperately wants a child with the biggest joy, it provides the birthmom the greatest pain, the adopted child will always in some shape or form wonder about their birthfamily. So its a tough thing, with no easy answers to it really.

Relative adoption is a whole other ballgame. It can be wonderful, it can be horrible. Its all up to the players in the game To me it sounds as if you personally are willing to support your neice in making a decision for HER not for you and I like that about you.

So to answer your question again..No not all adoptees are bitter, unless we feel as if there is that OWNER ship thing. The poster, who is sadly banned, even though she has a lot of good things to say isnt bitter either, I agreed with her, and I am not bitter. However as an adopteed adult now I get really defensive about entitlement and ownership over birthparents. Maybe this comes from 16 years of searching for my own birthmom, and having that hole for so long inside of me and learning all the lies that are "typically" involved in getting a teen to give up her child. I do not direct that to anyone in this thread just in general at the system.

I truely hope your situation works out for everyone involved. Sounds to me as if you are on the right track.
Aimee

Originally posted by BoredBlonde
Omigosh, this is so depressing and discouraging. Is every adopted person so bitter and hateful towards people who want to adopt, and I assume towards their own adopted parents, too? My neice is pregnant and has asked my husband and I to adopt her baby. She is still wavering a little, so I am trying not to get my hopes up, and I tell her I will support her in any decision she makes, tho it has been almost 8 years since I have had a baby and my arms ache to hold another one. We would have a totally open adoption, there is no question of it, as all my children will naturally know where the baby came from, and I prefer that anyways. But will this baby be hateful and bitter his whole life, like these people who are posting here? Should I tell my neice that I don't want to adopt, and she should keep her baby? But what if she takes him to an agency instead and gives him to strangers? That would haunt me forever, that we could have kept the baby in the family, but I caused that not to happen. But the more I read in these forums, the more scared I am that this will all blow up in my face someday. If I adopt this child, I plan to love and care for him the same as my other children, but will that be enough? Will he hate me someday for taking him from his mother? Will he commit suicide, do drugs? I know that every human being can choose to do those things, adopted or not, but is there SUCH a huge risk of it? Are there no HAPPY adopted people out there, HAPPY adoptive parents, reasonably content mothers who have given their baby over for someone else to care and provide for? Someone please tell me that there are some! And that they are maybe just not out there looking on websites because they are content and going about their happy lives.... This is SO depressing.

[Kassidysmomma]

I don't understand why everyone is being so judgemental against the woman who kept the birthmother with her to keep her from people trying to change her mind. Think about it people...pregnancy causes definite hormone changes. It would be very easy for people without the best interest of the baby in mind to convince the birthmother that she could take care of him or her. And then what? What if she changes her mind and then 15 months later her child is taken away by the state and noone in the family can get custody because the baby has been beaten by a boyfriend and neglected by her???? I say this only because it happened to my best friend. She knew she couldn't be a mother and was going to give her son to a very nice family and then her "family" changed her mind. But where were they when she couldn't take care of herself and her son? And then when she lost him? They were nowhere to be found. I think as long as the adoptive parents have the child's best interest at heart, there is nothing wrong with them not wanting her to change her mind. Please understand that those of us adopting love the child so much from day 1 that we can't think of him or her in any other way than as "ours". Congratulations to those of you adopting-and to those of you strong enough and loving enough to give your child the chance with a family that will love and nurture them. I know that it hurts, but it is not only the best gift you can give the adoptive parents, but also if you are not able to raise a child, it is the best gift you can ever give your child. And anyone that doesn't like it-tough!



"I'm so thankful that my birthmother cared enough to give me the chance at life by giving me to MOM."
-quote from my sister-adopted 21 years ago

[strawberry61]

I think it would be great for the expectant mother to stay with you if she could not afford to get the prenatal care she needs and you are willing to pay for it. But I also think that the expectant mother needs some kind of counseling to make sure that this is what she wants. I am trying to adopt my niece's baby. I didn't get him until he was eight months old. Right now we are waiting to see what will happen with the father. That is a mess. We have custody for 1 year right now. I told my niece that while we wait to see about the father, that I would like for her to get some counseling and make sure that this is what she wants to do. As much as I want a child, I don't want her to give hers up if she doesn't really want to. My niece has agreed to go to counseling and make sure this is what she wants to do. If the expectant mother comes and lives with you, try to see that she talks to someone, a minister, a counselor, or whoever who is not biased in this situation so that she can make the decision with a clear head.

[Kaylee]

Dear slswank,
I read your story and have a few questions if you don't mind!?
My cousin asked me to take her unborn baby bc she has three at home and is single and cant afford another baby. I am so excited bc I can't have kids of my own and would love this baby beyond all love. She has signed child custody papers to me and for me to bring the baby home from the hospital with me. The lawyer says there is nothing else that can be done until the baby is born. Is there anything anyone can do to keep this from happening if the birth parents sign over all rights to me? I guess I am just a little scared bc I've never been through the adoption thing before and am so looking forward to getting this baby. She says she wants no strings attached.....she feels no attachment to the baby!
Please...if you or anyone else here has any info, please let me know. My email address is : kathleen@2khiway or you can leave me a message here.
BTW....I live in North Carolina

Thanks,
Lisa