[bubby2six]

My husband and I have 8 children (yes, I gave birth to them all) ranging in age from 27 to 4 and are about to adopt our 23 year old son's and his wife's, daughter. He and his wife already have 3 boys, ages 4,3, and 1. This is a girl and my d-i-l is due on March 3rd.
I am looking to touch base with anyone who has adopted a grandchild from birth. We have just recently moved across the country from them and she will be flying out for the delivery.
Are there any books written from this perspective? We will bring her up in the truth and love surrounding her adoption and I am also looking for suggestions on books for us to read to her as she is growing up.
Finally, does anyone have any ideas for her brothers in dealing with their loss. (This process only began a few weeks ago and we only have a few weeks until she is born, so they have the expectation of having a sister).
The reason for the adoption is multiple: drug usage, an already over extended mom with raising the three children they have and she admits it, finances, etc.
Thanks for any and all help.
Kelly

[ladybuglady]

Hi,

I don't have any advice but I wanted to wish you the best! I am sure it is a hard time for everyone but maybe for the boys to know that their sister is with grandma will help because they will know that they can visit her and see her when they want.

Good luck and prayers!

LBL

[bromanchik]

There are lots of great sites and books for "grandparents parenting'. Just type that in a search engine. There are a bunch!

[bubby2six]

Thanks for the replies. We are looking for all and all help we can get to make this as supportive and loving as we can be, for everyone concerned.
My daughter in law's parents are very opposed to this adoption and are filling my son's head with garbage. They are telling him that when she turns 16 she'll look at him with hate and say, "What's the matter with me, you kept my brothers, why not me?" , along with all kinds of other things. We have assured my son's in-laws that they will be known to her, we will send to them personally pictures of her , as well as updates. I don't know what else I can do. Any suggestions?
My d-i-l will be arriving here on Saturday. She is very secure in her decision and knows she is doing the right thing for her and the baby, as well as her other children. That being said, this is no easy thing and I know how hard it will be for her. Can you reccommend a specific books that will help her deal with her grief?Maybe even from a Christian perspective? I just don't want something that talks about bad experiences and is negative .
Thanks again,
Kelly

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by bubby2six
Can you reccommend a specific books that will help her deal with her grief?Maybe even from a Christian perspective? I just don't want something that talks about bad experiences and is negative .
Thanks again,
Kelly

I have a lot of resources for her and some for you on open adoption. Visit the website (press the www button on the panel below). There are articles and a recommended reading list. And, please, feel free to call the resource line.

[vicrose]

Kelly, This had to be a very hard decision for all to make...but a loving one. I am an adoptee...and I truly believe that my birthmother made the right decision when placing me...she had no finances..no husband..and nowhere to live if she brought me home. I love my aparents very much....as do a lot of us here at adoption forums...as a matter of fact..I don't even call them my aparents..they just plain old Mom and Dad..I only refer to them as aparents when I'm speaking about them here at adoption forums. I have a very good friend who is raising her grandson....he knows who his biological parents are....but they are in the same predicament that they were in many years ago when she took over....so God Bless her for raising him.....and God Bless You for having such a kind heart...Hugs, Brenda

[bubby2six]

Thanks for the words of encouragement! And the resources Brenda.
Everyone, even those who don't really agree with it, knows that this is the best decision for all involved.
I do worry about my relationship with my son, the birthdad. We will have to work very hard on the lines of communication and assuring him that they have made the right decision. As his mother, my heart grieves for him and his loss. He has always wanted a daughter, they have three sons . As Teagan's adoptive mom, my heart is overflowing with joy at her becoming our daughter. The emotions involved in all of this can be overwhelming.
Thanks again,
Kelly

[bubby2six]

Originally posted by bromanchik
I have a lot of resources for her and some for you on open adoption. Visit the website (press the www button on the panel below). There are articles and a recommended reading list. And, please, feel free to call the resource line.

Brenda,
Could you please explain what resources are available at the Resource Line? Is this just for the books and tapes you offer? Or is there more?
Kelly

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by bubby2six
Brenda,
Could you please explain what resources are available at the Resource Line? Is this just for the books and tapes you offer? Or is there more?
Kelly

Well, there is me. Sometimes it is easier for me to recommend resources after I talk to you. There are articles and tools I don't have on the website that may be of some use to you.

[ojodean]

Hi Kelly,
Yes, there is someone out there who has adopted there grandaughter from birth. My husband and I have had our Samantha from 3 days old. I have 6 kids. Gave birth to 1 son, now 29 and remaried a man with 5 kids. I have raised 4 of my step children since we married. I am mom to them.
My stepdaughter has a 3 year old son, gave birth to Samantha and could not keep her to raise and asked us to take her. We did and then she had another son who is now 8 months old. ( she kept him) They are all from the same father but they are not married. He is into drugs and in and out of Jail.
My step daughter, Nichole was using drugs also and is homeless. She stays here for a few months and then moves on to somewhere else.
Samantha is very lucky not to have to live that life style. It was very hard at first for me to be a mom again at 51. Early hour feedings, colic, lack of sleep, it can be tough but I would not have changed any of it. Samantha is now 21 months old and calls me mommy. A title I have earned. Our adoption is not final yet but we were told it is not much longer.
I don't know if it will be as tough for you as it has been for me and I hope you adjust quickly. I had a hard time giving up all my free time since all my kids are grown up and out of the house. But the more I see Samantha grow and learn new words and call Mommy every morning from her crib, I know what I did was the right thing for both of us. My husband adores her and she calls him daddy. We will tell her that she is our adopted grandaughter and Nikki, my stepdaughter is her birth mother. NIkki is in Samantha's life and I think that is a good thing for both of them. Telling her about her adoption could be hard since she has 2 full siblings and she will wonder why mommy gave me up and not her brothers.
I did read a good book that you might like to get. It is called "Raising our children's children." written by Deborah Douchette-Dudman. She has adopted her daughters baby girl from birth also. Well written. Has stories of many other grandparents raising there grandchildren. Hope this helps in some little way. Congratulations on being Mommy Again.

[bubby2six]

Dear Jo Dean,
Thanks for the information, I will look into the book you mentioned and see if the library or Amazon carries it.
Our little Teagan Cassidy Mariah arrived on Feb 19th and we are thrilled with her . We were in the operating room when she was born by c-section and she was immediately handed to us. She spent 2 days in the NICU for low blood sugar, and we made all medical decisions concerning her. We left the hospital with her on the third day . She has been a wonderful baby and is a joy. Since my youngest is 4, we really haven't had a hard time adjusting to the lifestyles of new parents.
Let me tell you a little something of our background. My husband and I have 8 children, now 9 with Teagan. Their ages are 27, 25, 22, 18, 14, 10, 8, 4, and now a 3 week old. I had three children when we married almost 20 years ago and then we had 5 of our own. (Keeping up?). Teagan's bioligical father is the 22 year old and her biological mother is my daughter-in-law, also 22. They have three boys, ages 4,3, and 1. I am so very proud of my d-i-l, she has been amazing and handled things so very well. I worry about my son, he is the one having the hardest time with all of this. I might mention that my d-i-l flew here to deliver and never saw the baby (her request), and my son stayed back in AZ with their three boys. He calls me about once week and cries when he does.He always wanted a little girl and I think that's what is the hardest thing for him. He does drugs and is not steadily working. His mind may know that it's the best, but his heart is breaking. Their 4 year old is having a hard time as well. He asked his father the other day where his sister was and my son said with Bubby (that's what my grandkids call me) and he said, "I know, but when is she coming back?" . Without a doubt, the hardest thing for me as a parent is on one hand the joy and new child brings, and yet my son's heart is breaking. I feel guilty at times, even though I know she is exactly where she belongs, she is safe, warm, very loved, and will never have to experience the fighting that goes on in my son's home. I worry about my 3 grandsons and how they will take knowing she is here. We will raise her to know who her bio-parents and siblings are, but how and when do you do that? I should mention that we are on the east coast and my son lives in AZ. We lived in AZ until last year when we moved here. My son and his wife often lived with us and we were very close to all three boys. In fact, Teagan's biological mom and I gave birth on the same day, 10 hours apart, by the same doctor, when our 4 year olds were born.
Anyway, we hope to have our adoption finalized in court in the next few weeks, it could be as soon as the 23rd of the month. My son and his wife signed the papers on the 21st of Feb and our state has a 30 day wait. Now we just wait on the lawyer.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope to keep in touch with you, maybe we can help each other .
Kelly

[bubby2six]

And thank you for saying congrats. We have yet to hear but one person say that to us. I don't know what people are thinking. Do they think that we don't think of her as our daughter and that it must be a burden? Is it because we already have 8 kids before her? I want people to know how blessed we are for having her and that she is now ours. We have received exactly one card and I think that stinks. Thanks again, you made my day!

[DianeS]

Congratulations on your newest arrival! Are you willing to post a picture of her?

Peoples' reactions do stink with adoption. If you happen to be young and unable to have kids, and adopt a newborn who looks exactly like you - then you get congratulations. But other situations usually get ignored - adopting a child if you can have kids, adopting a child if you already have other kids, adopting when you're older than "normal", adopting an older child, adopting a child of a different race, etc.

Their loss. Maybe they'll come around and maybe they won't, and you may revise who your friends are, but you're happy with your decision and your daughter that's what matters most.

In my opinion, just raise your newest daughter normally, knowing all the relationships in the family. Your one-year old grandson has no idea of the significance of "Bubby" being his "grandmother", but he knows that's you and you're somehow important. Raise your daughter the same way, knowing the names and titles of relationships before she understands the significance, and the significance will grow on her.

[ojodean]

Kelly;
just wanted to say that I am glad that I made your day by saying congratulations. Let's face it, it is a wonderful thing when a baby comes into our lives. We give them Lots of Love and they give it right back.
Just knowing that our new little daughters are being raised in a home filled with so much love is a reward in itself.
The book I mentioned to you tells how this woman told her little adopted grandaughter the truth. I bought it on amazon.com.
You mentioned the guilt that you have in raising that baby instead of your son. I felt the same guilt with my step daughter. I knew that she was hurting and that made me hurt. But we both knew it was for the best. The difference in my situation is that my step daughter gets to see Samantha whenever she wants. I guess it is a good and a bad thing. Some day she will have to cut that string if we shoud move out of state or she does.
my kids are ages, 31, 30, 30, 28, 26, 24 and of course Samantha 21months. there are 5 boys and now 2 girls. I have 8 grandchildren also in ages from 13 to 8 months. All my kids live within 10 minutes drive from me.
We get confused as to weither or not to call our older kids Samantha's uncles or big brothers.
Legally when the adoption goes through she will be there brothers but they are also her uncles. give that new little baby a big hug from me and Samantha. I think we did a good thing. Even if family members look at us like,"what a burdon you have brought upon yourself". I have a few who feel sorry for us. If we did not adopt her they would have to feel sorry for Samantha then. take care and please share any news on your new little one. They grow so fast.

[Lady-C]

Kelly, I have to tell you that usually I am so against in-family adoptions, but I believe that if anyone can do it, you can!

Reason for my negative feelings on in-family adoptions, is becasue I am an in-family adoptee. I believe that my gparents adopted me, because my mother was 16 and because they thought it was the right thing to do.

I grew up in secrets and lies. I found out when I was twelve and I was snooping thru a desk, that I was adopted. My birthmother/legal sister, was called to the house. She basically told me that they adopted me, they are my parents. She left, not even a hug for me. I am sure though, that inside she was probably terrified. I am 60yrs old now. My bmother still will not acknowledge me. I am still her secret.

You on the other hand are planning on being upfront and truthful. That is so good and important. I respect that. I do hope that in your heart, you are not going to adopt, because it might be the right thing. I hope you would really want this baby.

Has the mother had counseling? Does she really know what she is doing? I ask you that because I am also a reunited birthmother. When a woman loses her child to adoption, there is an unbelievable amount of pain. A big hole in the heart. I am on a birthmother support group. New ladies come in and I hear it over and over, "I had a big hole in my heart" Is there anyway you could possibly help her to keep her baby? I don't say this lightly, but feel it should be said.

Best of luck.