[lbateman]

Lack of grandparent support
I would love to hear from those of you who've dealt with the situation and how you've responded.

Prior to adopting our precious 12 & 13 yr old sibling girls, we met with my parents, showed them a video, etc. to bring them into our process of adopting. The girls came to visit last Thanksgiving and the night my parents came over to dinner it was a disaster. My mother was rude, cold, etc. and the girls knew it. My mother later told me that she could not "act" a way she didn't feel. We moved ahead with the adoption because we were certain it was God's call and plan for us. My parents sent me an awful email outlining why this was a bad decision, why they didn't support it and why they would not consider these children their grandchildren. My father has softened his position over these past 9 months however my mother has not. My father came to our adoption ceremony in May, but my mother did not. Oh yeah, they blame us for not "allowing them to get to know the chldren". I dread the upcoming holidays because I do not want to spend time with my mother, given that she has had nearly 10 months now to make some attempt at getting to know our children. We've not been invited to their summer home, or to their home 1 hour from here. I find it difficult to have conversations with my mother on the phone knowing her indifference to my new family situation.

What are your suggestions regarding the parameters for maintaining a relationship with my mother without it damaging my family or even me?

[Overwhelmed!]

Personally, I think your responsibility now lies first and foremost with your daughters. IMO, you need to lay it on the line with your mother that if she can't treat your daughters with kindness and respect when in their company, then she won't be seeing ANY of you (not at holidays or any other time). Having said that, you need to stick with it. Your daughters don't need to be subjected to a family member that is going to be cold and unloving to them. They need to be surrounded by love and support. If your mother can't provide that, then she doesn't need to spend time with your family.

I wish the best for you and your family. Hopefully your mother will come around in time. If not, then just make separate arrangements for just your father to spend time with you and your family.

[JewelMarie]

Leslie,
My heart feels for you. I am in a similar situations. Currently I am not in contact with my birth parents. My surrogate mom who has been in my life for 6 years, just told me that a title means nothing to her, and I should not expect that by my daughter calling her grandma means she is going to call or speak with this child. She said further more, you(me) calling me mom or by my name makes no difference. After a lot of soul searching, etc, I told her I will honour her words and my daughter will no call her grandma or look at her as one. Coincidentally a dear friend who is much older than I am asked me this week if I was comfortable with my daughter being her granddaughter. I am actually okay with it because I know that this person will model well for my daughter. Sometimes we have to make hard decision for what is best for our child. The things we used to accept for ourselves changes when we have children. I will keep praying for your situation.

[Big Dreamer]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I also believe that your children are your priority.

I hope that someday they realize that they are missing out on the love of two wonderful children.

I am sure that you are overwhelmed at the thought of not having your mom in your life in the role of grandmother however...you deserve to be happy and so do your children.

Any possability that you could have the kids draw a few pictures or paint a picture then attach a note (from you) letting her know that all of you are thinking of her?

Maybe if she sees the pictures she will realize that the kids are reaching out. Meanwhile...you might just tell the kids that you are sending thier art to family members who need a Pick Me Up...you don't really need to tell them it is to grandma that way if she doesn't respond in a positive way it will not affect them.

Just a thought...may your New Year fill your heart with blesssings.

Maria

[DeannRedmiles]

when we were trying to adopt a daughter almost two years ago.. my inlaws..railed..they freaked.. they said wretched snotty comments.. (can't repeat..I'd have to slap myself)

anyway..
my side of the family was very supportive..and I knew from past experience.. (my gran was not the favorite in her family.. so she goes out of her way to make sure each and every child that walks thru her door is treated with love, respect and fairly..)

anyway.. I knew she'd be aces about it..

my inlaws?? I told them.. no worries.. they didn't ever have to see any of us again..
and glad to say spouse agreed.

the adoption fell through.. and we are back on that rollercoaster again.. but the feelings are the same.
except each and every child we have or kiss our..
well.. you get the pix.
my job as a parent is to protect my children, make sure they know they are loved, and give them the armour to deal with it when they aren't..
and personally subjecting them to a bitter old woman.. not on the list.. so ..

take care and good luck

[DadDude]

All we can do is make the decisions that are right for us, and hope that others, seeing our happiness, will support us and our loved ones in this noblest of endeavors.

My wife's parents are deceased, mine are in their mid-70s, and my wife and I are in our mid-40s, so our situation is obviously different than a young couple looking to adopt an infant (or older child) and hoping for grandparent involvement. Additionally, we live at opposite ends of the country from my parents, so we rarely see each other. We do correspond by mail and telephone, and I try to visit during business trips to their area, but they only see their grandchildren (my kids) every two to three years.

I'm not sure how my parents will react to our decision to adopt a child from foster care. I have not informed them of our plans, nor do I plan on doing so until after we are matched. My parents and I have rather divergent opinions on a variety of issues (and I suspect this will probably be one of those issues), but we still manage to get along, because we respect each other's right to live their lives as they see fit.

My parents are rather set in their ways, and have strong opinions about things, so they may or may not like what we are doing. I will not ask for their blessing, nor will I ask them to fall in love with a total stranger, not at this stage of their lives, but should the opportunity for a visit arise in the future, then I will expect my parents to welcome my entire family into their home. At a minimum, I will expect my parents to treat our new son with simple respect and common courtesy. If they are not happy with our decision or dislike our son, then they can make any such negative comments to me in private.

We all have hope that our parents will approve of what we do with our lives, from our educational goals and achievements, to career choices, and our choice about having a family or living single. We hope that our parents will support our decisions, and most of us hope that they will want to participate in our lives and the lives of our children, but in the end, we cannot make them approve or participate. Explain your decision once, express your desire to have them share in your joy, and then leave it to them to decide how they will handle the situation. That's all you can do.

Best of luck!