[BlueberryNights]

I am just wondering if there are any other adult adoptees out there who have experienced an innate desire to be alone throughout their lives.

All my life I have felt this way and I am wondering if I have subconsciously created some sort of self preservation methods to keep myself strong.
Although I am in a stable and very happy long term relationship I still don't feel quite right about it and I am very uncomfortable. My partner went overseas to visit his dying father recently and when he came back I was unable to connect with him all of a sudden.

I am feeling disconnected and ready to split. I really love my partner and we know that we share something quite special, but I am not able to understand why I don't value that as much as I should. I feel like I am letting him down, so think it's probably best to break up.

He is of course being very kind and patient with me and this too is making me feel even worse.

Ideally I would hope to be able to overcome these feelings and go back to being committed to the relationship. If anyone else out there has had a similar experience with a positive outcome it would be good to hear them. I am considering going to see a shrink, but have had bad experiences with them in the past.

[SeoulSearching]

I was adopted at 4 months old and I, too struggle daily with the need to be in a relationship and the need to be alone. I agree that it is probably self preservation for a lot of adoptees. I am married and lately I have found myself pulling away like you described. It is really hard to fight the urge to sabotage my relationships, however therapy has helped me very much. I know there can be a negative stigma associated with it, but who else better to discuss your needs, than someone who will not judge you, will be out for your best interests, and who you can leave at anytime and come back? Not like marriage much huh? Good luck.

[BlueberryNights]

Thanks for your post. I have started therapy and my shrink thinks I could be sabotaging too.
Learning how to manage these feelings would be wonderful, it's reassuring to hear you say your therapy helps.

[redcherry]

I feel exactly the same way, I'd like to be in a relationship, but at the same time, I want and need to be alone, I was adopted at 6 or 7 months in Russia

[copperhead]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I do believe it is a result of relinquishment especially as an older baby.

Redcherry....I was almost 8 months old coming out of a foster home when I was adopted. I live by myself and am afraid of commitments. It is self preservation. I posted a lecture/video on here a while back about addiction and adoption. I think my subject line was something like "adoptees with no pre-trauma personality". I don't have addictions but the lecture will give you great insight into your feelings. If you google addiction and adoption, it should come up too. Better therapy for me than the real therapist I went to.

[EZ2Luv]

I don't have any expierience with this myself as an adoptee but I can tell you that I know many non-adoptees that feel like you do.
My brother in law is not an adoptee and he loves being alone with no desire to commit to anyone or share his life. He is a writer and very talented. I asked him a few times why he has chosen not to settle down and get married and he said he was absolutely content in his own space. Ican respect that.
Not everyone is meant to be married or in a commited relationship, especially these days. I am interested to read all the responses from adoptees because I never thought it to be adoption related.

[Ramned]

I definitely have a tendency to be a bit of a loner... horrible at maintaining friendships and relationships. I don't see myself ever committing to a lifelong relationship, it would take an impossible amount of patience from my partner.

[mikeyn]

Hey guys,
Know how you feel., there are alot of times that I feel like I just want to be alone! Funny how at the same time I feel like I cant be alone, yet all the time I feel I need to please or be accepted by others. I am always trying to please others and not myself...."like its going to fill a void"..or if I do that they will accept me and love me and keep me...unlike my real parents...however at the same time my "wife" has said adopted kids are ****ed up!!!!! She dated a guy before and he beat her....But she goes after and marry's another..Nice Huh?????? My wife says that!!!! Boy that helps with my feelings of dissconnect. So do we all as adopted kids have to fight all the time emotionally?? Yeah we do! Are we stronger or weaker because of it??? I think both! I know we r all tired!!! In all regards we have to try harder and have bigger shoe to fill than biological kids. We are all expected, because we are not "real" to be better because we were "chosen"!!!!!! So, do we have more pressure?? YES! Do we expect more of ourselves??? YES! Do we try harder and at the same time are scared of commitment?? Yes!! We are the outsiders being judged whether we like it or not! If you are a parent like myself, all we can do is not let your biological children go through what we did!!!

[mikeyn]

Originally Posted by BlueberryNights

I am just wondering if there are any other adult adoptees out there who have experienced an innate desire to be alone throughout their lives.

All my life I have felt this way and I am wondering if I have subconsciously created some sort of self preservation methods to keep myself strong.
Although I am in a stable and very happy long term relationship I still don't feel quite right about it and I am very uncomfortable. My partner went overseas to visit his dying father recently and when he came back I was unable to connect with him all of a sudden.

I am feeling disconnected and ready to split. I really love my partner and we know that we share something quite special, but I am not able to understand why I don't value that as much as I should. I feel like I am letting him down, so think it's probably best to break up.

He is of course being very kind and patient with me and this too is making me feel even worse.

Ideally I would hope to be able to overcome these feelings and go back to being committed to the relationship. If anyone else out there has had a similar experience with a positive outcome it would be good to hear them. I am considering going to see a shrink, but have had bad experiences with them in the past.

yep!!!!!!!!

[Drywall]

agree!! I have always lived alone and all tho there are times when there is a profound feeling of lonliness, to allow someone into my space would not work.

Maybe it is a carry-over from my adoption, and there is still grief and loss.

Maybe it's fear of being an outsider again, or perhaps allowing someone "in" who leaves.

I wish you the best.