[mectavba]

Im gonna try keep this as brief as possible....

Im 24, was adopted after 3 months to the most wonderful parents I could have hoped for. Being adopted has never really bothered me much at all, never thought it affected my life at all really. Til now i havent made any attempt to make contact with birthmom, but thinking about it now....

Also ive been seeing a girl the last couple of months, first girl in a while ive really liked. However, its getting to the stage now where for some reason things never have worked out for me. I really find myself crippled by the worry that the girl will lose interest.

Without going into too much detail, im finding this girl is starting to be very hot and cold, its driving me nuts! My mates think im being ridiculous, typical girl thing etc. but i am just waiting for her to stop contacting me altogether as has happened before. Since ive been researching online bout people's experiences of being adopted, I cant shake the feeling that there is something within me that destroys potential relationships, because im adopted. Is this too simplistic? Am I just another guy who messes things up with girls? If not, what can I do to change it?

One other factor here is that a few weeks ago, this girl said to me that she had heard from someone my brother was adopted. I was like, ye so am i? We were out drinking and she asked why didnt i tell her and i just said it wasnt a big deal etc. Could this have an effect on us? I didnt think so as i meant it at the time, it wasnt a big deal. But now im starting to think it is.

Thanks for reading this far if you have and I would greatly appreciate any tips people have. Cant bring myself to talk to anyone as candidly on this as i can here.

[ripples]

Dear mectavba,
Good for you for having the courage to start exploring your emotional reactions and how it may be impacting your relationships.

Have a look at the 7 core issues article to see if any of it resonates with you. This article is widely circulated at my local post-adoption resource centre
Lifelong Issues in Adoption

It could be that, like some adoptees, you may be dealing with underlying issues of fear of rejection and abandonment. If you are, do take comfort in that you're not alone and that there are positive ways to deal with it.

[mectavba]

Originally Posted by ripples

Dear mectavba,
Good for you for having the courage to start exploring your emotional reactions and how it may be impacting your relationships.

Have a look at the 7 core issues article to see if any of it resonates with you. This article is widely circulated at my local post-adoption resource centre
Lifelong Issues in Adoption

It could be that, like some adoptees, you may be dealing with underlying issues of fear of rejection and abandonment. If you are, do take comfort in that you're not alone and that there are positive ways to deal with it.

Thanks sincerely for your reply.

I am at a loss, though, to finding out what these positive ways to deal with it are....any suggestions??

Thanks

[ripples]

Dear mectavba,
For me, the positive ways to deal with it all involved doing a lot of emotional work, particularly regarding my feelings of loss and grief. I sought out a combination of professional help (a psychologist), post-adoption support groups (online and in-person), reading up about adoption, talking to a pastor and doing a lot of venting, venting, venting (eg. blabbing on these online forums). Another adoptee explained that exploring one's adoption-related stuff is like peeling an onion - you'll find a lot of layers and may cry a lot too. Emotional work is a journey of self-discovery that takes a lot of patience, inner courage and support and can feel overwhelming at times, depending upon how deeply you dig, but I've found that it's well worth all the heartache.

The 7 Core Issues article includes some starter questions at the end of the article that you can explore by yourself or with a counsellor.

For starters, I highly recommend reading and talking on these forums. One book that I found really good was, "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self". I'm sure that others can recommend books about adoption and relationships.

Again, good for you for starting by reaching out on this forum. I know it can take a lot of guts to take that first step - which you've done. I do hope that you'll find the support on this site as useful as I did. I found that it was helpful to know that at least I'm not alone and that others do understand how difficult it can be.

[sade]

dear mectavba, I have the same problem. It takes a lot of digging and pulling to get me to share things about myself with someone. But I'm learning too. If a girl is into you and you have been dating a while, she may feel that you are not as into her and that's why you didn't share that with her. It makes a woman feel closer to you when you share things about yourself with her. Even if you find it hard to do, you must push yourself to do it anyway, or you will never have a lasting relationship. Allso, the fact you are adopted is often a fascinating subject for people who are not. Once someone knows about it, they want to know everything and have a million questions, some of which you won't have the answers too, and alot of, "how does this and that make you feel" questions, kind of like therapy, and that can make you feel uncompfortable, but, like I said, if you want a relationship to last you have to open up about it. Opening up with a professional therapist first may help get you going, you should consider that. Hope this helps.

Sade

[borntampa1987]

I have had the need to find my birth family sense I found out at the age of 8. I have had a troubled family life. My mother has sent me to see counselors and my "problems" have always led back to my constant knowledge of my adoption. I am so aware of it that it has effected everything in my life. I no longer have a relationship with most of my adoptive family. I am now 22 and I have not been in many relationships. But when I am. I act very close, I try to really feel the "love" of a relationship, and if/when it does hit me that I feel something for that person that is beyond what I could possibly handle if he left.. well I bail. Anyone who gets close enough to me that I feel I would hurt if they left, I leave before they have the chance. I was always told its my fear of abandonment. Though you have not had issues with being adopted, be aware that you know means it effects your psych, your conciouns adds that to every equation.

Thats just my take on it. I say sense you are aware that it might possibly be affecting your relationships. First let her know, then work on it, with her if you need to. Tell her your fears, if shes truely close to you then she will want to help.

My b/f is aware of my issues, he knows I will savatage myself to get out of relationships if I get to a point. We have been together a year and he has really helped. When I start to feel paniced about us, I just let him know. He talks with me and works through it with me. I have to say I have never been this happy with someone for this long, and Im comfortable with him.

[catrobins76]

mectavba,
i am a 33 year old adoptee. i recently redieved my non-identifying info from the state i was adopted in (GA). i now feel like i have something tangible of my birthmom. i too have had problems in relationships. i would subconciously push people away when they got too close. i guess this comes from that hole i have in myself from not knowing where & who i come from. i would sabatoge relationships. i have however been in a great relationship w/ my now husband for 8 years. it took alot for him to hang in there. i pushed away alot because of fear of rejection. i think we adoptees also fear abandonment b/c of being put up for adoption. it doesn't matter how great the family is who adopts us. the fear will always be there. maybe we think that we weren't good enough for our bmom to keep us so maybe we aren't good enough for anyone. try to look at where you are having problems in your relationship. trust that you are a great person who deserves a wonderful relationship. if i can do it, you can.
good luck!
Cat