[ddg]

i realise we adoptess have the tendency to hold on to things that are no longer ours ie relationships that are over. i would like to know how one can learn to deal with the rejection which is highly senstitive to us as adoptees and how does one learn to actually let go....please help.

[ripples]

Hi ddg,
Having read this and your previous posts in this forum, I see that you're really hurting over the loss of your boyfriend and are grappling with the underlying pain related to your adoption. If it were me in your shoes, I'd be hurting big time having lost the person whom I'd opened my heart to. But even more difficult for me would be coming to the realization that the origins of the break-up are largely due to enormously deep, unresolved personal pain over adoption - awful, but true. When I'd discovered how deep my pain and its origins are, I was truly shocked - like I was staring down a long, dark, endless chasm that I never knew existed. And then there was this immense inner groan - "oh no! I have so much STUFF to deal with!" It felt truly overwhelming,I was knocked out from work for several weeks.

I honestly don't know how we learn to totally let go of such deep pain and the feelings of rejection involved. The wounds are so intense - I did a combination of hypnotherapy, group support, prayer, talking with other adoptees, grieving, returning to my birth land to confront my adoption stuff, reading about adoption, etc; and still, I recognise that there are deep scars somewhere buried in my psyche.

I've talked to other friends who, although don't deal with adoption-related grief, can still relate to the challenge of healing deep emotional wounds (they are survivors of child abuse). I've talked to my adoptee friends and my pastor. While I know that adoption-related grief has its own unique aspects, I do think that emotional pain (whatever the origins) is a tremendous challenge to somehow 'overcome' and 'heal'. To me, it remains a mystery as to why some people 'heal' while others have excruciating, ongoing pain.

A part of me thinks that healing comes via a lot of emotional work, empathy & support from others and perhaps (depending upon your spiritual beliefs) the grace of God. The scars will still be there, I learn to incorporate and accept them and do my best to manage them with the emotional tools I've gained through therapy. When the flood of emotional turbulence hits like a tidal wave, I do what I can to just plain manage.

All I can suggest is that you seek a counsellor of some kind and perhaps pick up some books about adoption. I've also read other books about people who've survived tremendous trials and tribulations, eg. the survivors of the holocaust, for inspiration regarding the human spirit. It's no wonder that 'grief work' is actually called work. It's ALOT of emotional work but well worthwhile.

In the meantime, I encourage you to share your thoughts and feelings here on these forums as it may help ease your sense of being alone in this adoption journey. Many people here, including me, can very much relate to what you've written - you're in supportive company here.

Good for you for starting your journey towards healing by reaching our on these forums. I do hope that you'll find the feedback here as supportive as I have.

Hugs to you in the meantime.

[Dickons]

Ripples gives the best advice.

I have found that people who have dealt with and found peace with whatever their personal trauma was, and worked through it - come out the other side stronger, wiser, more empathetic and are better people than most who have always lived the idealic happy life.

We all feel pain, some deeper than others and recognising it is okay to feel the pain and learning ways to move on is the first step...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[mckmom10]

hi I am adopted. I am also a foster/adopt parent. I am sorry that you are hurting. One thing that helped me is to meet my bio mom and have closure. I love my bio mom and always will but when I went into the meeting her time i went thru counseling to make sure that I was doing the right thing etc. My mom is my adoptive mom the mom that took care of me and cried with me when I was hurting. My adopt parents Mom and Dad were very supportive of my decision to search for my bio mom to get answers to all the questions that I had. Unfortanetly I realize that not every adopt child can find bio parents but if you can it really does help. My decision to foster/adopt is the BEST decision by far that I could have made. I really feel like I can relate to the kids and understand them. I suggest Volunteer for an organization of your choice I found that to be very healing for me
As far as helping with rejection stay busy and reach out to your friends. We are here for you

[Nancy08]

Oh, I understand you guys...

Anyway, you were lucky enough because there are people who really loves you. God had never given you a problem you won't solve. There's always the seed of solution in every root of problem.

Guys, just remember those people who love you most and cares for you always.

____________________
inspirational quotes || motivational quotes

[OkieAsian23]

Hey, I totally understand. It is very hard for us to let go simply because it's scary because it's a loss. And i think we as adoptees know that is a very hard pill to swallow. I, myself is going through the same thing. Heartbreak, some days it's to a point where I feel so numb. We have to stay strong though and remember what ever we're feeling or thinking doesn't equate to who we are as human beings. Being a position of being heartbroken and bring up all the things that we thought about ourselves in a self-defeating/negative way. It's ok to feel that way for we have been conditioned. Start the change now though. Think of this process as something to grow from rather than feel like being diminished. I've been reading a great book lately called New Earth by Eckhart. It's not written to adoptees but I was so engulfed in it like it was speaking to me. I highly suggest reading it. It's going to take time. I myself is trying to let go this very second and it's hard. Hang in there, in time it will pass. Remember our minds are our most powerful thing about each and every single one of us. Just with a thought how we can change our environment. I wish there was a quick answer to solve it, but I know this sounds cheesy, but it lies within you. It takes discipline though. Hang in there and if you need to take you can message me. )