[ncsu07]

I am a 24 year old adoptee (adopted at birth, have always known but has often been the "elephant in the room"/my family and I don't talk about it) and I am in the midst of an intermediary process for reuniting with my birth mother. Before starting this process, I met with a therapist to talk about some of the issues surrounding search, reunion and being adopted in general. During our last session, we started to talk about my relationship with my adoptive parents and it opened a new can of worms! I was hoping you all might have some insight.

I'm beginning to think I have attachment issues with my adoptive parents. I never thought about this before because I'm very close with my mom and consider myself a daddy's girl. However, I have a hard time showing affection toward them or letting them see me vulnerable. I rarely say "I love you" first (although I mean it) and as much as I've wanted to say "You two are the best parents I could have ever asked for and I love you more than anything." I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to open myself up emotionally to them - even though I trust them and they've never given me a reason not to trust them and they tell me they love me constantly. My therapist mentioned that their affection toward me may have an opposite reaction than is intended (they shower me with affection and I push myself farther away).

I apologize for writing a novel, but I wanted to give as much background as possible. Has anyone else experienced this??

[SoniaRose]

Those three little words ("I love you") are impossible for me to say. I would be curious to know if other adoptees have the same difficulty.

Sometimes at the end of a phone conversation, my amom says "Love you..." , and I timidly respond "Love you too". I could never see myself giving my aparents a hug and saying "I love you" out loud. It can't be done; it is not in me.

I think I told my husband a few times in the early stages of our relationship that I loved him (because it was expected for me to say), but that was very difficult too. We've been married 27 years, so I don't consider myself a failure at relationships. I subscribe to that old cliche that actions speak louder than words.

It's funny that I sometimes mutter "I love you" to my deceased bmom (who died long before I could ever have met her); I believe she hears my thoughts. I just can't say it to a living person. Oh, dear...I sound like a nutcase, don't I?

[kretzklan]

Let me start by saying I'm an adoptive mom raising two kids with attachment disorder. And, what you are describing isn't it. The fact that your thoughts are kind toward them - being able to say it is probably just your demeanor. I was going to ask about saying it to other people - as SoniaRose mentioned...if it's across the board - it's just who you are. Attachment is, at it's core, about control. If you don't feel the need to control them and get them to do what you want when you want it...then you are fine (on the attachment front). I have to say that as an adoptive parent I am simply touched to hear an adult adoptee even thinking about such things! I hope you don't mind me butting in...

[SoniaRose]

I don't believe I have a true attachment disorder. But I've never had a warm and fuzzy personality -- my amom told me I was a cold and unfriendly baby when adopted at 9 months. As an adult, I believe that I must have bonded with my bmom who visited me several times while I was in foster care (she did not want to relinquish me.) I just have a hard time opening up to others. I was a painfully shy teenager when Simon and Garfunkel released "I am a rock; I am an island", and that song really hit home with me: "hiding in my room, safe within my womb, I touch no one, and no one touches me..." Yes, for me, it is across the board; it is just who I am. Is it because I am adopted? I'll never know...

So this weekend I will visit my aparents, bring flowers and take them to dinner...I just can't say those three words.

[ncsu07]

The strange thing is that I don't have trouble opening up to others. I have no problem telling my boyfriend of 3 years that I love him.. I want him to know all day, everyday how much I love him and care for him. I just have trouble telling my parents. When I'm leaving a visit from my parents, I often give a 1-arm hug and if they want to give me a kiss, I always sort of lean my head toward them and they kiss the top of my head (it's been dubbed the "hair kiss" because I always do it) My boyfriend and I went through a rocky period and out of the 3 of them (boyfriend & parents) he has been the least trustworthy (that's not the case now, however) and I have no trouble showing him affection, but do with my parents. It's odd- usually people open up emotionally and are affectionate with those that they trust, but that's not true in my case. My therapist even gave me a stumped look when I explained all of this. I've never understood.

[linusloveshisblankie]

I def feel like i have attachment issues, but i have never seen a therapist of any kind! Im not sure if its the same as what your experiencing, but i was always the pink elephant with the purple polka dots. I always feel rejectied when i dont get peoples attention and that's something i am working on!! My parents and I are the opposite of close ive been adopted since i was 3 months old but i have since discovered in the last 26 years that i wasnt adopted cause i needed a family i was adopted cause my mom wanted a baby and couldn't have one. that changed the dynamics of our relationship only cause i have also discovered she lied about me being "hers". It made me feel ashamed but it made sense. Thats why she never wanted me to tell anyone cause she know's she lied. A whole other issue! Ive always felt adopted, i never felt like i belonged anywhere and I think that has a lot to do with it. There's a lot more to it then that so if anyone reads this and has questions i will be more then happy to answer them. I feel as though i attach myself to anyone who show's me what i believe to be genuine affection, but I have to be careful because now im not sure if i know what that really is!!

[txrnr]

ncsu07, I could have written your post. Thanks for posting it. I'm glad I'm not alone.

[D28Bob]

Welcome to the funhouse! Yes, what you describe is quite common; it was true for me as well as many adoptees I know. I don't know how common it is among biological children - I don't see it in my own adult children - but I only know my own experience and it is similar.

[Susana_b]

I feel the same way you do and my situation is much the same. Minus the parents showing affection and me pulling away. It's funny. I want affection but as soon as someone gives it to me I feel uncomfortable and want to run away. It's weird, I know this may seem to be getting a little personal. I grew up being the girl who wanted guys attention because I never got it at home, period. I got the wrong attention though from them and ended up always getting hurt. They all seemed to say I was a little too attached to them. I am starting to believe that I think I liked the fact that they never seemed to give me any attention back, that that was how it was supposed to be. In a twisted way, I liked it. Now that I have a boyfriend who by everyone's comments is "crazy" about me, I feel uncomfortable. I never liked public display of affection and I never talk about feelings or anything remotely close to my adoptive parents. My boyfriend will often do affectionate things like trying to hold my hand or whispering "I love you" in front of them and it's so hard for me to say the same thing back in front of them. I don't know what it is. I feel like I am a very deep person and have a lot of insight on the world, I am just really confused.