[poppylp]

I was wondering what kind of reaction people get when they tell someone that they are adopted and whether having a bad experience has put them off telling anyone else?

I have told a couple of people and had mixed reactions.
One ex-partner's reaction was "You know, your parents would have made more money if they had just fostered you"!
One of my friends who does know that I'm adopted makes comments, e.g. about celebrities who have adopted, that I feel are really insensitive. I'm not sure whether I'm just being over sensitive about it though. It's got to the point where I actively avoid telling people, even my current boyfriend because I don't know how they'll react and I know that if they do make a flippant comment I'm going to really resent it.

I'm in the process of applying for access to adoption records, but I don't feel as if there's anyone in my life that I can talk to about it. I feel guilty for not telling my adoptive parents (who I am close to) - but I know that my adoptive mum especially can make hurtful comments without meaning to and the last thing I want is an argument about it all.

Does anyone else have this problem?

[rainmon]

We had a long time friend over for dinner while he was back in town visiting for a couple weeks.
He had been in the same crowd with us back when we were all in school and comes back periodically to visit friends and family and stays in touch with "everyone" it seems...he was looking over our family pictures hung in the hallway and ask who the one person he didn't recognize was, we explained briefly about it being my husband birth-daughter from right before we got together, but had only been united just recently......
he got a big grin on his face and an amused twinkle in his eyes, and the first thing out of his mouth was, ooohh wow! and who's the birth-mother???! I replied quickly before my husband could answer that we were "respecting her privacy".
later while they were in the garage together alone this friend again brought it up trying to pump my husband for gossip material, and my husband just stuck to what I had said, also mentioning that the mother/daughter reunion was having lots of difficulties as it was, and he did not want to add to the problems.
this had happened to me once before that incident already, so I was very glad I had a response ready.
People do flat out ask the most personal things,that are none of their business sometimes, so think ahead about how you want to answer these types of people so you are ready.

[bprice215]

Oh yeah people can be so callous when out of their own ignorance they speak first without ever thinking or considering the feelings of others. Although most are totally not at fault, their just ignorant of what their dealing with, but there are those select few that can be so shallow thick and slow and are not to be considered as friends for these are malicous people never deserving to be included as a friend but of only an acquaintence. One must guard against such people. Hang in there.
bprice215

[kcrisg]

I have had reactions on both ends of the spectrum. Back in grade school it'd been spread around school and a girl cornered me and called me a reject. Apart from that I have had many of the same type comments you described. I had someone relate my adoption to Angelina Jolie and how "she collects kids like they're pets." I've had people ask me what I've done wrong, as if it was somehow my fault.

I know how one (or several) bad experiences can seriously deter you from being open about it but I have had more positive experiences than I have negative. Friends whom I have opened up to have proven themselves to be invaluable to me in these past two years when I've begun exploring my adoption.

As another post said above, a lot of it is just ignorance. Don't let yourself be put off by those who just don't understand. Keep an open mind and try your hardest to remain open.

Best of luck!

[naurusky]

Often when I tell people I was adopted people will ask me why I was adopted out. I tell them that when my bmother was pregnant with me she said that if the baby was a boy they would keep it but if I were a girl they would adopt out. I'm not sure how much of it is true because I'm only saying what my amother now - I was adopted twice - has told me. I was adopted from nauru in the Pacific, and it's said that I have a brother and roughly 8 or 9 sisters. I take it that my bparents were trying for a boy... Sometimes people don't know what to say when I say that because I'm always so nonchalant about it. I still feel that way.

Everyone in my family is adopted though and there are 5 of us. It is hard to feel like I belong sometimes because I had such a disfunctional family growing up. A lot of people don't know that though, only my closest and loved ones.

It can be hard telling your story to total strangers and even friends depending on your own experience and whether you let the your past control who you are. I have always tried to focus on all the positives rather then the negatives mind you I went through 2,1/2 years of counseling to get where I am now. I still get down though, just not as often.

[brwneydgrl]

To this day some of my good friends don't know. When I was a kid I never told anyone. It was hard enough for me to understand that I never wanted to discuss it with anyone else. I guess a part of me felt angry and rejected. With the people I have told it's usually followed by questions. I only tell the people that I'm willing to have a conversation about it with. I feel though that the only people that can truly understand how I feel are the people that have also been adopted. I know I have my adoptive parents support if I choose to search for my birth mother but I have a feeling of guilt talking to them about it. They've given me so much and I was never left to want anything. I have been truly blessed but I feel like part of them would hurt so much if they knew that I wanted to know this person who gave me up.

[DancinBear63]

My parents always felt that adoption was a private issue, and I was raised to keep it to myself. (As an aside, the daughter of my mother's friend was left at the altar when she told her fiancee that she had been adopted- this was in the 1970s.) As I became older, I did share the story of my adoption when I felt it was necessary or appropriate to a conversation. Fortunately, I've never received any negative comments.

Now that DH and I are in the adoption process, I am much more willing to share my family's story, and the reactions have all been good. It seems that my decision to pursue adoption has also enabled my parents to be much more comfortable with open conversation as well. I do think part of it was the 'secrecy' that used to accompany closed adoptions- now I can't get them to stop talking!!

[Lis409]

Hi,

I'm new here, but saw your post and thought it was very interesting as I've also always wondered the reactions other get.

I should mention, I was adopted from Mauritius, so am brown skinned, while my adoptive parents are both European from Scotland and the Netherlands so fair skinned. I also have 2 brothers who are biological to my aparents.

As an interracial adoptee it is very clear that I am adopted when people meet both of my aparents, however, simply because my mother tended to be around more often when friends were around, many of my friends simply assumed my father was dark skinned, like myself. I've never felt it was necessary to mention my adoption and have also partically wondered that if I did, how I would be viewed, I am proud to say I am now over this and am happy to talk to people about my adoption, however still find some people to be very blunt and not very sensitive about the subject when I talk about it.

I could not believe upon reading one response in particular that someone would decide against marrying someone purely from finding out they were adopted. It's an incredibly sad thought, for both parties.

Personally, when my adoption comes up (often by friends within a conversation, which I also find interesting) many people say "I'm sorry". My response is often "why sorry? I was very lucky to be adopted into a very loving and caring family". Which ususally stubs them.

I am open about my adoption, as are my aparents, perhaps a little more than I am which can also be a little strange for me. But at the same time, I am proud to be adopted and am always willing to share my stories with people as I find that many simply want to understand it and don't mean much by it, although they may ask incredibly personal questions.

When I was younger I was very guarded with my adoption as I saw it as a personal thing and more importantly I felt like by others mentioning it they saw that I wasn't "really" part of my afamily, which is all I have known and felt part of.

I think now though that because I am very open about my adoption some of my friends feel like they can say anything and sometimes it is not appropriate. One of my friends and I were having a bit of fun calling each other names one day (as we do) and then she said "you should go back to Mauritius", which I found quite hurtful as I was adopted as a baby and have lived all my life in Australia, so am Australian and Feel more Australian than I do any other nationality. I understood that she meant it as a joke as we were joking around but it was still hurtful and so it's taught me to be a bit more careful with talking about adoption and how I talk about my adoption.

I don't think people need to know you're adopted unless you Feel they do. Obviously if it's apparent, like in my situtation, it's a little bit harder to hide but regardless, if you don't want to talk about it then don't. People should understand that it might be hard to talk about or it's simply too personal to share with every Tom, Dick and Harry. But if you Do choose to tell people with your adoption and they choose not to welcome it then you are better off without them in your life and they are missing out on creating perhaps a great new relationship.

[Lis409]

Wow...just realised how Long my message was...sorry everyone!

[naurusky]

Hi Lis...,

I just read your message and found it very very easy to relate to! My amum is actually a red headed american and I'm from Kiribati so I'm dark skinned and I seem to get funny reactions when I say to people for the first time..."This is my mum." some people don't question it but others kind of give that confused look then move on.

I've never been ashamed in calling her mum and love her so much for raising me! I actually grew up here in Australia - Tasmania and it's funny because when I was in primary school I never saw myself as dark skinned or different when I would be sitting in a class room full of lighter skinned people. And one day i remember being taken out of my class room with this other girl who had a birth mark to take these "Assertive Classes" I remember sitting in this little room with this teacher asking us if we had ever got teased for being different. It really confused me being in Grade 4 and especially as I thought, "I'm not different! I'm just like the other kids!" The other girl and I didn't really see the point of the class as we didn't have a problem at all with the other kids. We kind of saw it as a time away from class. The teacher did ask stupid questions and even being at that age I still thought it was a complete waste of time because I had friends who liked me for who I was and I NEVER felt different!!

With that said, I did get teased sometimes but being who I was I never got affected by it. I always ignored them or made their comments hit them back! A lot of the time the kids that did say something were so naive that they thought I was aboriginal but I look nothing like an aboriginal, I'm an Islander! One boy made a comment about my lips when I was in Grade 5 saying, "Gee you have luber lips!" and I said "All the better to kiss you with!!" Then he went running and never teased me EVER again! LOL It cracks me up remembering that!!!!

I love the fact that I have such a unique story and if someone shows interest in it I'm more then willing to tell them. Everyone's story is different though! I really enjoyed reading yours.

Crystal

[Lis409]

Crystal, loved hearing your story! I remember when I moved schools and the teacher asked me if I needed to be in an ESL (English as a Second Language) class and I looked at mum like "huh? What's that?" and she was like uh...no. He'd been speaking to me for over 30 minutes too.

I know what you mean about the weird looks. Now that I am older, people seem to assume mum and I are "involved". I've found that particularly because I am an affectionate person I always link arms with mum it does get strange looks sometimes!

I think all kids get teased at some point, I know I did, and I'm sure I would've been teased even if I wasn't in the minority being dark-skinned.

Great to hear from someone else "like me" and particuarly hearing from someone in Australia! I mean it's great to hear from others who reside outside of Oz, but it's interesting to hear stories from your end of the world, if that makes sense.

Keep in touch!

[happy_adoptee]

i was adopted at 5 days old. I have told almost everyone i have ever met i was adopted. I do not care about their reactions because it does'nt bother me iam happy. if they don't like it that is there problem.

[wrgamom]

The two strangest reactions were at different points in my life. In high school, a friend who knew I was adopted (actually born at the same hospital six months after me and always told me that was where "those mothers" all went to give birth) told me I could have sex with my brother (also adopted) and it would not really be incest. EWWWW!

Then when I met my future mil, she was going off on dh's ex-wife and how crazy she was, blah, blah, blah. Next thing I know she stops talking, looks at me and says, "But she is adopted so you know something has to be wrong with her." I gave her a piece of my mind right there. She has said some doozie stuff later, especially after my kids were born, but that was the funniest. I still have not told her, 10 months later, that I have been reunited with my bmom. Her reaction will be very negative, based on her history, and I just have not wanted to deal with it.

People can be very insensitive, that is for sure.

[naurusky]

Hey Lis,

That's so funny, about the whole, "Involved" thing. I do the same with my mum hold hands and hug and stuff in public and I get weird looks from other people as well. I always have that in the back of my mind, "do they think we're together?" thing. I get over it though and try to make it obvious by calling her Mum all the time.

I have been living in Tasmania for all my life so far. I can't wait to go back and see my mother country though. Will you ever go back to where you were born? ( was going to try spelling ?maricious? marisious? oh dear)

Thanks for the comment back Lis,
Crystal

[bflymc]

Originally Posted by wrgamom

The two strangest reactions were at different points in my life. In high school, a friend who knew I was adopted (actually born at the same hospital six months after me and always told me that was where "those mothers" all went to give birth) told me I could have sex with my brother (also adopted) and it would not really be incest. EWWWW!

Then when I met my future mil, she was going off on dh's ex-wife and how crazy she was, blah, blah, blah. Next thing I know she stops talking, looks at me and says, "But she is adopted so you know something has to be wrong with her." I gave her a piece of my mind right there. She has said some doozie stuff later, especially after my kids were born, but that was the funniest. I still have not told her, 10 months later, that I have been reunited with my bmom. Her reaction will be very negative, based on her history, and I just have not wanted to deal with it.

People can be very insensitive, that is for sure.

Ugh. People really need to watch what they say. Did she know you were adopted?
That happened to me as well. I was in a group of about ten people and one girl said, "adopted people have problems." I could not let that one slide. For the first time in years I revealed I was adopted. She had no idea what to say after.