[dawells]

Can any of the adoptees out there tell me if they remember feeling anger toward their adoptive parents. My 10 year old has recently begun trying hard to insult me and say hurtful things to me for the sole purpose of hurting me. I'm not sure if it is a typical 10 year old testing behavior or is it somehow some deep rooted anger toward me over her adoption or just anger in general that she unleashes on me because I'm mom. She was a 7 month old baby when I adopted her but we speak openly about her adoption. I'm trying to be patient with it but its beginning to worry me. Any advise? suggestions?

[mariarippy]

I can say after having four of my own children...they insult me more me than I ever did at their ages. Maybe a sign of the times. Maybe I forgot how hurtful I was.

I was asked a lot if they were my grandparents. While I would freely admit they were not my grandparents, I would hate the fact they were old to be my parents. I was also my amom's translator. She spoke very broken English so when people spoke fast and or words she didn't understand she would look to me first. Something at times that I was irritable about.

I can't know why you adopted. My parents adopted me because they were unable to have their own children. So I felt second fiddle well third fiddle because they adopted a boy first.

[Lucky5]

I was a very angry teenager, but don't remember being angry at that age. But I'm reading "Adoption Healing" by Joe Soll and it says something that about that age, the child might be thinking about adoption logically for the first time, e.g. "if my biological mother loved me, she'd have kept me. There must be something wrong with me. I must be unlovable."
It says the child needs to be encouraged to express "her negative feelings about her lovability & feelings of rejection in order to help her understand that it is not her fault."

I don't know if this explains your child's anger but I guess its a possibility.

Have you read books on adoption like this "Adoption Healing" one or one that's called something like, "20 things adoptees wished their parents knew"? They're very good and might help you and your child when you talk about adoption.

Hope this helps.

[echox]

I don't remeber having any problems at that age. My aparents were always open about my adoption. The problems really started when I was 13-14. I don't think I was angry at my aparents at the time, I just engaged in a lot of self destructive behaviour. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but I did. When the SHTF my aparents kicked me out, and I ended up doing 3 yrs in jail. After I got out they wanted nothing to do with me, they wouldn't even loan me the money to travel west to look for work. I made it on my own, now I am a skilled tradesman. I have a wonderful Gf that has a 8y/o daughter and life is not too bad. I have no relationship with my aparents and I don't have any advice on what you should do, I do know what you shouldn't do. Being alone sucks.

[ReOcB42008]

I thinkLucky is right. Also I think, strange as it may sound, it is proof of how well adjusted your child is - that she feels safe and confident in your love. She feels loved enough to let you know the conflicted, angry feelings she is having. They may be from being adopted (in my head I always understood why my parents couldn't keep me but in my heart I was angry and confused as to why they wouldn't at least of tried) or it may just be pre-teen "pulling away from Mommy/becoming HERSELF" maturing. Let her know you still love her and that you don't like her acting out against you and ask her why she is so upset. Stress you love her no matter what but hurting you is NOT acceptable. Good luck with try to help her figure out her feelings. Hang in there! PJ/MJM (Bname)

[01Rain]

Yes I am 35 now and can remember lashing out at my adoptive mother. I went through a range of EXTREMES leading up to this. Overeating, over-wanting to please, terrified of failure/rejection. Of course, back in those days everybody thought that if a child was adopted into a middle class home, they were sent. Which is why nobody paid attention to my signs until a started lashing out. I was so young and did not possess the skills to protect myself from these abnormalties, so I lashed out at my adoptive mother for not protecting me from them.

In other words, don't study your child words so much as their behavior. And not necessarily the behavior when they are with you.

Lastly, don't let your child off the hook. Regardless of their adoption or not, nobody besides you is going to care what they have been through as the get older. My adoptive mother went soft on one of my foster sisters and it ended in tears all the way around.

[dawells]

Thank you for your advise. I'm sorry about your relationship with your Aparents. Maybe they thought they were giving you tough love. Parenting is so hard these days and half the time you are just winging it and you listen to all the experts who tell you what you should do and from my own experience the experts aren't always experts. Maybe they thought they were doing right by you by being tough on you or maybe they felt like they let you down and facing you hurt too much. I can't say for sure but maybe if you reached out to them now they would reach back. If they don't - it is their loss - you sound very caring and strong. But it might be worth the attempt.

[dawells]

Hi - thanks to all for the advise. I have read the 20 things adoptive kids want their parents to know. It has been helpful in a lot of ways. I have read lots of articles and some books and they always make me feel like I'm stuck in a pinball machine being batted from one side to the other never really knowing where I'm headed next. Sometimes the books are so generic to me. I'm never really sure if my kids feel this way or what. Neither one of my kids seem to like to talk about their adoption no matter how much I tell them that it is okay with me. I guess I just sometimes wish I could see straight into both my kids' hearts and fix all their hurts. I never really knew what pain was until the day my daughter sat sobbing over a conversation we had about her life before she came to me. Til the day I die I would rather have knives stuck in my eyes then to see that crying "from the soul" kind of sobbing from either one of my kids but it is something I know I have to endure over and over again. Thanks to 01Rain for reminding me I need to keep track of the whole picture too. A special note to mariarippy. People (well at least anyone I have ever met) do not adopt because they were not able to conceive their “own” children. I know plenty of people who were not able to conceive their own children and decided NOT to pursue adoption or any other method of having children. They just decide to deal the cards they were dealt. The people who adopt are not willing to deal the cards they were dealt and make a conscious decision to adopt because they want to be parents - period. They are not to blame for the WAY you came to them any more than you are. It should be something that ties you together not separates you. I know that I feel a special bond to my children because we were all put together because we all needed EACH OTHER. It wasn’t a one way street. I needed them and they needed me. I thought that made their coming to me all the more special and miraculous. I would be willing to bet my life that if you asked your parents if a genie would grant them one wish would they choose to go back and have a biological child or go back and adopt you all over again – they would unequivocally say adopt you. They maybe didn’t have a choice on HOW you came to them but they did have a choice whether or not you did. I'm sure they treasured you! and NOT for your translating abilities. Your words remind me of a book I read to my kids all the time -it is called "Rainbabies". Look it up and read it to your kids. It might help you understand your parents more and feel more like the blessing I'm sure you were to them.