[dawells]

Can any of the adoptees out there tell me if they remember feeling anger toward their adoptive parents. My 10 year old has recently begun trying hard to insult me and say hurtful things to me for the sole purpose of hurting me. I'm not sure if it is a typical 10 year old testing behavior or is it somehow some deep rooted anger toward me over her adoption or just anger in general that she unleashes on me because I'm mom. She was a 7 month old baby when I adopted her but we speak openly about her adoption. I'm trying to be patient with it but its beginning to worry me. Any advise? suggestions?

[mariarippy]

I can say after having four of my own children...they insult me more me than I ever did at their ages. Maybe a sign of the times. Maybe I forgot how hurtful I was.

I was asked a lot if they were my grandparents. While I would freely admit they were not my grandparents, I would hate the fact they were old to be my parents. I was also my amom's translator. She spoke very broken English so when people spoke fast and or words she didn't understand she would look to me first. Something at times that I was irritable about.

I can't know why you adopted. My parents adopted me because they were unable to have their own children. So I felt second fiddle well third fiddle because they adopted a boy first.

[Lucky5]

I was a very angry teenager, but don't remember being angry at that age. But I'm reading "Adoption Healing" by Joe Soll and it says something that about that age, the child might be thinking about adoption logically for the first time, e.g. "if my biological mother loved me, she'd have kept me. There must be something wrong with me. I must be unlovable."
It says the child needs to be encouraged to express "her negative feelings about her lovability & feelings of rejection in order to help her understand that it is not her fault."

I don't know if this explains your child's anger but I guess its a possibility.

Have you read books on adoption like this "Adoption Healing" one or one that's called something like, "20 things adoptees wished their parents knew"? They're very good and might help you and your child when you talk about adoption.

Hope this helps.

[echox]

I don't remeber having any problems at that age. My aparents were always open about my adoption. The problems really started when I was 13-14. I don't think I was angry at my aparents at the time, I just engaged in a lot of self destructive behaviour. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but I did. When the SHTF my aparents kicked me out, and I ended up doing 3 yrs in jail. After I got out they wanted nothing to do with me, they wouldn't even loan me the money to travel west to look for work. I made it on my own, now I am a skilled tradesman. I have a wonderful Gf that has a 8y/o daughter and life is not too bad. I have no relationship with my aparents and I don't have any advice on what you should do, I do know what you shouldn't do. Being alone sucks.

[ReOcB42008]

I thinkLucky is right. Also I think, strange as it may sound, it is proof of how well adjusted your child is - that she feels safe and confident in your love. She feels loved enough to let you know the conflicted, angry feelings she is having. They may be from being adopted (in my head I always understood why my parents couldn't keep me but in my heart I was angry and confused as to why they wouldn't at least of tried) or it may just be pre-teen "pulling away from Mommy/becoming HERSELF" maturing. Let her know you still love her and that you don't like her acting out against you and ask her why she is so upset. Stress you love her no matter what but hurting you is NOT acceptable. Good luck with try to help her figure out her feelings. Hang in there! PJ/MJM (Bname)

[01Rain]

Yes I am 35 now and can remember lashing out at my adoptive mother. I went through a range of EXTREMES leading up to this. Overeating, over-wanting to please, terrified of failure/rejection. Of course, back in those days everybody thought that if a child was adopted into a middle class home, they were sent. Which is why nobody paid attention to my signs until a started lashing out. I was so young and did not possess the skills to protect myself from these abnormalties, so I lashed out at my adoptive mother for not protecting me from them.

In other words, don't study your child words so much as their behavior. And not necessarily the behavior when they are with you.

Lastly, don't let your child off the hook. Regardless of their adoption or not, nobody besides you is going to care what they have been through as the get older. My adoptive mother went soft on one of my foster sisters and it ended in tears all the way around.

[dawells]

Thank you for your advise. I'm sorry about your relationship with your Aparents. Maybe they thought they were giving you tough love. Parenting is so hard these days and half the time you are just winging it and you listen to all the experts who tell you what you should do and from my own experience the experts aren't always experts. Maybe they thought they were doing right by you by being tough on you or maybe they felt like they let you down and facing you hurt too much. I can't say for sure but maybe if you reached out to them now they would reach back. If they don't - it is their loss - you sound very caring and strong. But it might be worth the attempt.

[dawells]

Hi - thanks to all for the advise. I have read the 20 things adoptive kids want their parents to know. It has been helpful in a lot of ways. I have read lots of articles and some books and they always make me feel like I'm stuck in a pinball machine being batted from one side to the other never really knowing where I'm headed next. Sometimes the books are so generic to me. I'm never really sure if my kids feel this way or what. Neither one of my kids seem to like to talk about their adoption no matter how much I tell them that it is okay with me. I guess I just sometimes wish I could see straight into both my kids' hearts and fix all their hurts. I never really knew what pain was until the day my daughter sat sobbing over a conversation we had about her life before she came to me. Til the day I die I would rather have knives stuck in my eyes then to see that crying "from the soul" kind of sobbing from either one of my kids but it is something I know I have to endure over and over again. Thanks to 01Rain for reminding me I need to keep track of the whole picture too. A special note to mariarippy. People (well at least anyone I have ever met) do not adopt because they were not able to conceive their “own” children. I know plenty of people who were not able to conceive their own children and decided NOT to pursue adoption or any other method of having children. They just decide to deal the cards they were dealt. The people who adopt are not willing to deal the cards they were dealt and make a conscious decision to adopt because they want to be parents - period. They are not to blame for the WAY you came to them any more than you are. It should be something that ties you together not separates you. I know that I feel a special bond to my children because we were all put together because we all needed EACH OTHER. It wasn’t a one way street. I needed them and they needed me. I thought that made their coming to me all the more special and miraculous. I would be willing to bet my life that if you asked your parents if a genie would grant them one wish would they choose to go back and have a biological child or go back and adopt you all over again – they would unequivocally say adopt you. They maybe didn’t have a choice on HOW you came to them but they did have a choice whether or not you did. I'm sure they treasured you! and NOT for your translating abilities. Your words remind me of a book I read to my kids all the time -it is called "Rainbabies". Look it up and read it to your kids. It might help you understand your parents more and feel more like the blessing I'm sure you were to them.

[Ravencadwell]

I knew I was adopted from as long back as I can remember. My parents never hid it. Still I think starting at 10 I was angry. I was angry at my adoptive parents, for what I don't know why. I guess it's when I told people that I was adopted I got treated like trash. Kids at school treated me like a freak, and some of their parents weren't much better.
My Adoptive parents did what they could, they took me to a couple of shrinks, but I don't think either knew what to do other than treat the symptoms, and by 12 I was on anti-depressants. No they didn't work.
I'm 31 and still angry. I was angry with my adoptive parents for not knowing what to do, other than yell at me and tell me that I should be greatful for the wonderful life I had. They didn't know any better, all they got from the agency was a "healthy white baby" and they didn't tell them "hey, there may be issues down the line, here's how to handle it or where to go for help". It was a different generation, and I forgive them for what they did. They thought that if they just swept it under the rug and kept me from talking about it, I'd be ok. Well, I wasn't.
I'd say find a Child Psychologist who is familliar with adoption issues, you will find more of them know then when I was at that age, and hopefully they may know how to work through this. I wish you well.

[dawells]

Dear Ravencadwell, I can't tell you how much your advise means to me. Your post brought me to tears because I have been guilty of the same thing your parents are guilty of even today with all the articles and books. I think its because as an adoptive parent you have insecurities too. I have this deep rooted fear that my children will grow up and not want me in their lives because I'm "just" their adoptive mom. I know how you felt in school because other moms do that to me too. I love my children more than life and I do all the same things those moms do, but they talk to me as if I am second rate and not really a mom - like I'm just pretending to be a mom. Then when I feel like my daughter is angry with me when I haven't even done anything to deserve it - it touches that raw nerve and my instinct is to want it to go away. I want to be nice and safe and sound in my denial. But I am going to keep working on it. I am going to bring us all to adoptive healing therapy. I am so glad to hear that you have forgiven your parents and are loving enough to understand that they didn't know what to do and thought (like me) that if they kept reminding you of how much they wanted and loved you that somehow that would be enough. But you are right - it isn't. Your hurt should not have been hidden or shut away or thought of in a way that made you seem selfish for feeling that way. You are far from selfish. You are wonderful to be able to put it all into perspective. I hope you find help for the anger you still feel. Talking about it and trying to help people like me and my girls is a good start. Thank you!!!

[Dickons]

Dawells,

Your ten year old child is also at the age when puberty can start...hormones...my sister started acting out when she hit puberty, I probably did too, to some degree.

Your daughter may also need to be told by you that it is okay to be sad sometimes, to cry for what she lost and that you understand and can give her the space she needs, but will always be there for her.

I think that being an adoptive parent is probably the hardest job, (and of course my parents were the best adoptive parents) and they still struggled through raising us.

It is worth the time to understand how the different hormones work, and if that is even just a small part of the reason your daughter is hurting you may find some way to diffuse or redirect her actions.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[D28Bob]

I was always afraid to express any anger - or emotions period (typical male?) Somehow my need for approval and fear of rejection meant that I could not leave my parents - I took over the family business, lived a few blocks away, saw them almost every day.
When they finally passed away was when the rage came out. It had erupted at times through adolescence, college years, and adulthood - I would go along conforming nicely to the "perfect son" model I had in my head, then suddenly do something outrageous.

After they passed, I realized I had lived my life trying to please them, and was 52 years old in a town I didn't really care for, running a business I didn't like all that well. I sold the business and moved away to finally start my life. Then I went into therapy and found that I had never really faced the issues adoption meant. So I searched and found both parents, neither of whom was pleased to hear from me.

It's hard not to think of what my life might have been had I not been so bound up in the issues surrounding adoption and abandonment. And that's where my anger or more accurately my rage comes from.

The only thing right I did was raise my (biological) children to be secure enough to leave home and follow their own dreams.

[almostallalone]

Hi there...I know I am a little late, but I am new to this site, read your post and could totally relate...I gave the same advice to one of my closest friends who adopted a baby over 14 years ago..."she will tell you she hates you and you aren't her mother"...let her let it out...she will take it back...maybe not to your face, but deep down she knows you are her mother, the one who loves her unconditionally...adoptees always have a little feeling of lost deep down inside...feelings help us find our way...anger is a feeling...let her have it...because she will also feel affection, happiness, love, tolerance, tenderness, and many others that will help her find her way to knowing you as her mother...it takes time and patience...my birth mother should be sainted for putting up with me! Good luck!

[jazzdrummer]

Originally Posted by almostallalone

Hi there...I know I am a little late, but I am new to this site, read your post and could totally relate...I gave the same advice to one of my closest friends who adopted a baby over 14 years ago..."she will tell you she hates you and you aren't her mother"...let her let it out...she will take it back...maybe not to your face, but deep down she knows you are her mother, the one who loves her unconditionally...adoptees always have a little feeling of lost deep down inside...feelings help us find our way...anger is a feeling...let her have it...because she will also feel affection, happiness, love, tolerance, tenderness, and many others that will help her find her way to knowing you as her mother...it takes time and patience...my birth mother should be sainted for putting up with me! Good luck!

I dont mean too sound harsh but this is a bunch of bunk.
How do YOU know she will "take it back"
How do YOU know that "deep down she knows you are her mother?"

This is just not true. Its not true for me.
Im 45 and still dealing with these issues.
My A-Mom DID NOT accept me unconditionaly.
I never have felt close. Im about as distant as you can get from both my A-parents....

I dont think its fair for you to say those things and generalize about adopted kids. Yes, she is only 10 but....thinking everything is "okay" is when the problem starts.

I personally would take this very seriously

[D28Bob]

This does not make sense to people who are not adoptees (which describes most adoptive parents unfortunately.) On the first page of Primal Wound Verrier says that what she didn't realize was that no matter how much love she GAVE as an adoptive mother, that did NOT mean her daughter had the ability to RECIEVE that love. Sad, but true. It's taken me almost 60 years to be able to feel loved, despite 35 years of my wife's attempts. Love involves trust. Those of us who had our first primal bond broken have real problems learning to trust that anyone will ever stay.

Though we often learn to mimic love...