[appyammersgirl]

Is it usual for an adoptee to push people away? To behave in the very way that they know will upset you the most?
To try to hurt the people that love them? Is this a "test" of my love, a self preservation mechanism that he has learnt over the years? I'm confused and trying to help, but I don't know how to handle this.

Can anyone help me??

[quilliam]

My Fiancee and being together for eleven years, is an Adoptee. He told me shortly after we started seeing one another, that he was Adopted. He never allowed anyone to get close to him, didn't know how to show love OR affection, feelings, any kind of emotion much at all. Yes, he would say alot of hurtful things to me. I believe he was putting up this wall, fear of rejection. He has been married three times and I will be his fourth wife and his last wife!

During his Search last year, he started to change and he spoke of his feelings, expressing them and being more of an affectionate man. I used to hear, once a year, when he went off to Hunting Camp, that he loved me. Now I must hear it a hundred times a day, since he has been Reunited with his Birth Mom. He certainly is a changed man.

In my experience, I believe that an Adoptee does set up walls between a loved one and themselves, not allowing anyone in, in fear of this rejection and abandonment. He used to say, "that he knew I was going to leave him, like everyone else in his life did." It wasn't true, as he was too much like myself and together we worked through his issues. Now after an eleven year relationship, we are planning on getting married this coming August.

[mariarippy]

I'm a female adoptee, pushed some people away at times. If you knew my history with my husband it all might be more understandable. Someone being mean to you isn't fun and continually mean is just wrong...
So the age old question differences in adopted men and adopted women...? don't have answers...

I can't say searching out family has helped but I hope the future proves better.

[BrandyHagz]

I'd say it really depends on the adopted person.

For me, the answer is yes. I pushed pushed and pulled pulled in almost every relationship I've ever hard.

When I married my husband (short long distance romance that resulted in a spur of the moment marriage) - I warned him that this is 'my thing'.

It's not just friendships and relationships that I have 'issues' with.

It's work too. I was able to make it thru school (masters) but beyond that...I have about a 2 year shelf life - if I don't really *try* hard.

It's been real difficult to get thru...I'm having to work my rear off right now...I'm one month away from being at my current position for 2 years...and every day is a battle.

Counseling really really helped me identify and address my 'fight or flight' attitude towards commitments...

[lynn0614]

Yes I think it is normal for adoptees to push people away, but I don't know that this behavior is unique to this group. As an adoptee, I know that I push, test, etc. It is all unconscious, but the point is to get people to hurry up and leave, when I'm ready, not to pull the rug out from under me. I've been doing this for ages. And usually I have been the one to leave, everything, before it gets too bad. The truth is, I feel scared that it is going to happen so I obsess, look for problems, cause problems, fights, etc and see what happens. The thing is, I've been the one to leave. I've not held jobs too long. I flip flop from one thing to another. I don't know if it is just my personality or what. I'm sure it is a combination of things. I think one of the best ways to help is to understand that this isn't about you. The testing is what your partner does. If you confront and argue, he will get the distance he tries to create. If instead you go to him, hug him, and tell him you love him, he is safe, and you aren't going anywhere, no matter how hard he pushes, with time, he may calm down. There are some great books about getting love and receiving love that may help. They offer exercises that require that you both look at your pasts and share. I hope this helps. Looking for help shows that you love him. Just be patient, if you can. Good Luck!

[rainmon]

so once you push someone you love away...don't you ever regret it...
do you ever look back and want the very thing back that you are destroying?
does pride then get in the way?
how can you get back what you had?
do you swallow your pride and try to face what you did and try to repair it?
or is it gone forever?