[Ikon]

hi all here is my situation...

i'm 24 y/o male. adopted at birth. my mom was 16 and never planned to keep me. i was adopted by great parents and they taught me very well. i am able to recognize my problems and solve them. but now i'm at a point that isnt a "problem" , and i dont know what to do. it all hinges around my mother abandoning me, and the fact i've never had a girlfriend. as a result of those 2 unfortunate circumstances, i find myself being overwhelmed by heartbreak.for instance, i had a dream where my mom gave birth to me and the doctor said its a boy! and my mom replied -isnt that cute, hope you can find someone who wants him. and then i wake up, already feeling down, and i think about my horrific experiences in trying to find a girlfriend... and all the heartbreak at once is just too much. at that point i find myself in an almost trance-like state of emotional trauma. i usually shake and tear up for about 20 minutes . but sometimes, maybe once every 2 months, theres a night where i just lie there in a state of shock, and my chest just swells so bad i can actually feel my heart aching and burning. its so awful.

its all going to get worse due to the fact that my adoptive parents are old... and i wont have them for much longer.

so thats where i'm at... what can i do to ease the situation?

[summer324]

I am very sorry to hear about your anxieties. I too am adopted and have wonderful adoptive parents. I think that I suffered for a while with the adoption issues but I have also done a lot of reading on the subject and it was a very open topic in my family. I'm searching for my bmom so we will see what comes of that. Are you searching? Have you gotten your nonidentifying info??? That really halped me a few years back come to terms with some issues. Just knowing a little about myself seemed to be enough at that point. You can't keep goin on like this though. It isn't healthy. Have you talked with anyone else about this? I'm certainly not qualified to tell you how to resolve this but I know if you find someone to talk to that you trust and feel comforitable with that it can really help!!!!!

Good Luck and keep us posted!!

Lisa

[ChristiBender]

Ikon
I really feel for you. My amom and asister both have anxiety attacks and it sounds like that is adding to your emotional issues from the abandonment.

Have you tried writing your thoughts down when you get like that? I have found, in my moments of emotional turmoil, that if I just write and write and write.... not carefully, not so it makes any sense, but just to get it out - well, it accomplishes 2 things. One is it DOES help get it out so you relax and come back to earth sooner. And that is a good thing. The second thing it does is you have a record of the thought processes that drive you batty. Then, when you are "normal" you can read them and really question them. That journal would also be a good place to start when talking to a good friend or a therapist.

For me, questioning my thoughts that I have when I am nuts helps me to not be so nuts the next time. For example: Lets say that you have the thought, "I will be all alone when my parents die". You mentioned something about that. Well, question that. First, what are the chances that both your parents will die at the same time. Not too good. So, even if one dies you still won't be all alone. That is a good thought. Second. Do you really know that you will be all alone when they both die? You can't know that. Maybe by then you will have a girlfriend, or a really close male friend who can support you emotionally for a while. Maybe you will be found by your bmom or bdad. Maybe you will find them. Maybe you will join a new club and have lots of friends. And if all that failed... you have this forum and the wonderful people here. Once you realize that your thought that you will be alone might not be true it loses some of its terrifying power over you. If you question enough of your thoughts they lose their ability to make you so upset... and isn't that the goal here?

Have you considered finding an adoptee support group in your location? I think that might help you a lot. You could find other people who have similar issues and sometimes just knowing that you are not alone can make all the difference in the world.

Good luck to you. I think the fact that you are here, on this forum and willing to ask for ideas shows you are open to many new thoughts and experiences. Try writing.. maybe it might help, and it probably can't hurt.

(((Hugs..)))

[Ikon]

thanks for the suggestions. maybe i'll try some. oh and i forgot to mention about girls...i'm prince charming. 100% sweetheart virgin... and i have a hot body. great looks, smart brain. so of all the girls who disappeared when i wouldnt have sex with them , or rejected / emotionally abused me, not a single one has actually cared about me. and as a human being, if you dont have any good memories of something, there is no motivation to make it happen again. girls just flat out scare me to death because all they have offered me is heartbreak. it seems like most females nowadays are insecure, self-destructive and selfish. but i still try. i wont pre-judge one person based on the actions of others. but date after date (remember i'm very physically attractive, so i can get dates no problem) after date after date i just end up alone and hurt. so... its not that i cant support myself and be healthy... its just with all the unfortunate luck, my heart feels like its just gonna stop working. i'm not suicidal, but it sure feels like my heart is just gonna stop. thats how humans work. (young babies die if they have no caregiver, they need human contact). i'm looking more for some advice as to why i shouldnt worry about all this. i do find comfort in the knowledge that life is a random biproduct of energy cycles, and that things such as "god" and "meaning" and "love" are only constructs of the human mind. if i didnt feel the need for the love of my mother or the love of a wife, i wouldnt be hurt that i do not have them. oh and i dont suffer from anxiety attacks... just a badly broken heart. and none of it is my fault, all from abandoment and rejection. i can understand it all, but i cant stop it from hurting. i'm not a robot.

[Bpaukner]

We all have a natural tendency to worry about things that could happen in the future. Sometimes we worry about them so much that we forget to enjoy the present! Try going outside and looking at how immense the world is and how tiny you are, and compare that to what you are worrying about versus the immensity of the future. Makes it all seem much less oppressive to me.

I have a theory I have tried to live by, although it took me about 30 years into my life to learn to live this way, and that is: Do not worry about things you have no control over until they occur. If they do not occur as you immagine them, just think how much precious enjoyment time you have squandered away. And when bad things do happen, they never seem as bad as we thought they were going to be when we worried about them anyway! You'll spend plenty of time reacting to things in your own way when then occur anyway, if it does come to that!

As for not having a girlfriend, or person with which to share your life, make yourself that person. Love yourself. Enjoy being with yourself. What do you like? Nature? Movies? Sports? Learn to do these activities alone with yourself and enjoy them 100%. Enjoy YOURSELF 100% and the next thing you know, someone will see how wonderful your life as and will want to be a part of it. You would be amazed how much attention you will get if you dine out alone in a fancy restaurant, or go to an NBA game alone just to see who you end up enjoying it with. Golfing? You always get a partner or a twosome, it's a great way to meet new people! And they are NOT all good golfers, one or two lessons would make you as good as a lot of people you will get matched up with! Too shy? Then that is what you need to overcome! Convince yourself that all people WILL meet you halfway or even more! Become your own best friend and you will never let yourself down. Many of the things you worry about have already happened to me. I am an only adopted child adopted by parents who were only children, and were 35 and 37 years old when they adopted me. I am 50 now and have been without one or both of them for nearly 20 years. Their passing did loom off in the distance for me during a great part of my younger life, but incredibly I became ready for it by changing my outlook over the years, and now though they are gone their influence and love go on. I am now searching for my birthmother so I can thank her for her choice, as they were the best parents anyone could ever have wanted, if she is still alive. Perhaps such a meeting would give us both the closure we may have been subconsciously searching for throughout our lives.

I hope this helps!

[Ikon]

shrug..my morals are too high, girls these days are insecure and selfish and thats not what i want. plus i want a virgin like i am , so we can have a unique emotional connection. but thats a fantasy ..girls just want the ****

[Julie64]

IKON
That was a very inconsiderate response to all of these ladies that have been nice enough to offer you support and suggestions. Are you here to try and actually get support or are you wanting to cause trouble? Your reply seems to make it pretty obvious, that was uncalled for buddy. JULIE

[Julie64]

IKON
I see that you are pretty new here and I don't want what I said in my last posting to stop you from reaching out. I will say that thinking and speaking that way about " girls these days" is not going to benifit your emotional wellbeing at all and it will create difficulties for you if and when you do get into a relationship with one. All of us have things we have to work on in our lives and I hope that you will be able to do that. Julie

[Ikon]

obviously i didnt mean every girl everywhere...

[aussie]

Ikon

I think that you need to be a bit more realistic about the relationship that you want. As an adoptee, you know that life is not perfect and that things do not always go the way you want. There is no such thing as the perfect person.
Perhaps some of the girls that you call selfish have had experiences and things in their lives that make them the way they are, the same as you have.
If you don't consider someone to be an option because they are not a virgin you may miss out on the love of your life. I think that you should try and get to know people for who they are on a deeper level and not tick their qualities off on your list otherwise you will always be disappointed.

[Ikon]

maybe you misunderstand... i'm healthy. i treat people with respect and would offer any nice girl a chance. no girl has ever cared about me though, just my ****. so are you saying i should be giving up my **** to sluts ? that i need to give the girl what she wants even though i dont want to, in order to seem "willing" to work at a relationship? what a load of crap . again you may be under the impression i am dysfunctional. i am not. the reason i started this post was to get advice on how to deal with the pain from always being rejected for who i am.

[BLW7403]

The truth is, life is much more simple than we think. We really do have control over our ability to be happy. If you choose to let things get you down, ie your dreams, being adopted, poor past relationships, then you are giving that control away to outside forces. The trick is to find a way to brush these things off and be happy despite of hardships. I don't mean to bury away your bad feelngs, but rather to confront them, understand them and then move past them. Put a smile on your face even when you feel bad. Play some up beat music. If you are in a happy mood, people will want to be around you. You will begin to find that the right kind of people become more attracted to you because you are happy and a happy person to be around. This works for me, I'm not saying I'm happy all of the time, but when I feel angry or depressed I try to force a smile then tackle the issue from a better angle. My life has really changed because of this new way of behaving. If you are having true anxiety attacks, a visit to a doctor or psychologist may help, who knows.

[Ikon]

thanks for the suggestions, but i'm just fine. i cry once in w hile but that sok, i'm not a robot. you're right , i know. the truth is girls dont like guys like me (virgin, sweetheart. too nice). girls like "macho" guys that make them feel naughty and make their girlfriends jealous. its sad

[BLW7403]

You have a totally defeatest attitude, "girls don't like guys like me" Y
ou've already convinced yourself that the "right one" does not exist for you and sadly, with an attitude like that, you may really never find love.

[Ikon]

again... please stop implying that i am dysfunctional. i am not. my judgments on females are all from experience. i havent ever met a nice one that cared about me, at all. so if a guy knocks on your door everyday and punches you in the face, eventually you will fear the knock on the door. its human nature. i fear that a girl i try to develop a relationship with me will leave when i dont put out, cuzz thats all thats happened to me.

so you care to explain why females treat me in this manner? (if the reason is not that most are insecure and selfish)