[Wings-Freed]

I posted this before, but had the thread removed, for personal reasons at the time.

I think it's a good thing to add here.

Here it is again, I know we all can relate to it, it's certainly an eye opener.

THE MASK I WEAR

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls.

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

Author unknown....it has been published in a number of books.

[Jackiejdajda]

We make a choice to love ourselves.. and then we do it..

My heart goes out to the one written about in these words.. We always need to be reminded.. always..

Jackie

[ReOcB42008]

Jackie - was going to just post this but then saw YOUR post (very powerful poem) and decided this was the best place for it. Thank you! Hugs - MJM (birthname)

[ReOcB42008]

Oops! Sorry! Here is post - MJM
# 3feeling like I'm grabbing onto a twig of control, falling ..
Date Posted: 03-06-2008 at 05:37 PM
Mood:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another child was killed in the area last week - this time by his older brother. They lived with their grandmother who was in the hospital when they got arguing and the older boy jumped hard on the younger's one's stomach. The 12 yr old went to bed that night and never woke up due to the injury sustained from his brother. It made me MAD because the "mother" lived close by but had dumped the kids 8 yrs ago, never had any other contact, and yet she CRIED crocodile tears and tried to make everyone feel bad for HER - THE WITCH! Who does THAT sound like???? That makes about 5 kids who have been killed by caretaker relatives (this one, 2 killed by their mother's boyfriends and 2 mothers actually killed their preschoolers) around here since we moved to this area 3 years ago with 3 now in the last 6 months! I used to wonder if TW was trying to kill me but never thought she actually would! Now I wonder. I especially wonder about that day up in the living room when she sat on me and tried to beat me senseless on my head - I couldn't breathe and I think I passed out because I remember getting hit the first few times then nothing until I woke up and she was down in the kitchen but couldn't BELIEVE a MOTHER (even one who I knew HATED me!) could do such a HORRIBLE thing. I mean I read about Susan Smith, etc but they weren't right where I'm living. THIS WAS HERE! Maybe Fanny could have killed me - she DID break my arm! I thot for years it was from falling down the stairs but my ANKLE hurt after I slipped and she came out of the kitchen yelling at me! I went over for comfort from her and she screamed at me for running and also for interrupting her then backhanded me and I must of fell on my arm because it HURT and she just yelled more and said she would give me something to cry about if I didn't stop that nonsense - and it was my own fault for running on the stairs again! No motherly hugs and check to see if I was badly hurt - just yelling and hitting! The next AM it felt heavy and numb but I got myself off to school - as usual! - and just sat there still stunned. Then it was lesson time and my 2nd grade teacher tried to grab my arm when I couldn't do my writing exercises and it HURT again so I SCREAMED and she figured out my arm was hurt and sent me to the nurse! Now I am realizing that TW COULD have very well killed me when she went in any one of her rages! I get so angry about that - and also AT the people here who killed the kids! I just want to hurt them the same way that they killed the kids! Then I get into angry fits over little stuff and want to hurt someone or myself but I don't because that would make me a TW just like HER and I NEVER want to be ANYTHING like that WITCH!

[ReOcB42008]

Jackie - "TW"/"Fanny" was my abusive (emotionally, physically and verbally) and controlling
adoptive "mother". 3 years ago I moved away from my hometown to get away from her and start my own life - at 47 (giggle)! Recently in this area there have been alot of children being beaten to death by their relatives/trusted adults and it is bringing up alot of issues to me over abuse - and alot of anger. I have had counseling in the past but as I am just starting to realize that I could have been one of those murdered kids - it is making me need more help. Just wanted to explain posting. MJM

[appyammersgirl]

The poem sounds like my man...he could have written it.
It made me cry that so many people out there could feel this way.

[Jackiejdajda]

Its all so difficult and sad.. and one of the reasons I am not against adoption.. No child should be hurt like this..

Jackie