[ripples]

I'm curious to hear from married adoptees as to how you managed to get up enough guts to get married. Given all the fears of abandonment, rejection, trust, etc; that a lot of adoptees (including me) feel, how did you manage to somehow get past your fears enough to form a committed, loving marriage?

And particularly for those of you who truly consider yourselves happily married, what hurdles did you encounter to maintain your trust/commitment/love within your marriage? How did you work on overcoming these hurdles?

I have a long history of ending relationships. My adoptive family divorced and throughout my childhood we moved houses (15 times), cities, countries (7 times), continents so many times, I feel as if 'Temporary' is my middle name. Now that I've been exploring my emotional baggage, both adoption and not-adoption-related, I'm afraid that at in my mid-40's (yup!) I may never get the guts up to ever marry. I've seen many therapists about these fears, read lotsa books and know in my head what a lot of the challenges/dynamics can be. But in my heart, I'm not sure that I can really trust anyone enough to marry them and stay married.

I look forward to hearing from married adoptees, particularly happily married ones, as a source of inspiration and hope.

[JenMcHall]

Hi Ripples,

Good question.
I'm 40 years old and I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 20 years. We dated 3 1/2 years before we got married so I think that I was already comfortable with our relationship by the time we got married. However, we were kids ourselves and didn't realize married life and kids would be so challenging. My feelings of rejection, abandonment,and mistrust didn't come to a head until about 13 years into the marriage and we had a really bumpy ride for a few years, but luckily we were really committed to making it work. All of the "adoptee" issues became a control issue to me. I thought if I "controlled" everything and everyone that I couldn't be hurt by rejection anymore. What a mistake. I had to learn to let go of the reins. At times, those feelings of rejection, abandonment, and mistrust sneak back into my thoughts, but I don't think that will ever go away. I think the key is you become friends first and know each other for a long time before you marry. And who says you have to get married to be happy anyway?

Take care,
Jennie

[Sun8]

I am a 44 year old female, happily married !
For me it wasnt a matter of "enough guts". I grew up with the abandonment, fear, trust and rejection thing to an extreme. In my late teens I realised that it all felt horrible, no way to live, no joy and no happiness. Continuing to live that way as far as I was concerned would take guts. I did know tho, that things I loved to do brought me joy. Key word was..loved. I decided to take a chance at a different sort of life. After all I knew ALL about the other one. And it SUCKED ! It took me awhile but I realised it was all about me loving. Not about me being loved that brought me joy. My aparents loved me but that brought no joy. Did I love them? very reservingly. My abandonment, rejection trust thing had overidden any real love. Love bring's joy when we feel it inside us for another. We cant feel anothers love for us. We can see thier actions spurned by love, but we cannot feel it. I love the feeling of loving another. I don't want to miss another second of my life NOT feeling that. I did that for 18 years !
I dont have any issues with abandonment, rejection, commitment or trust. They have been gone for many years now. They were created by an immature mind dealing with separation and loss. It was real then and I had no control. I am not that infant any longer. I trust myself, that I choose a relationship that is good for me. I am good to myself. I love myself. The only thing I need to trust is me, that I will do all that I can in each day. Not what I can take from another or recieve from another, but what I choose to give and to to feel, inside of me. I look at a model for parents loving thier children if I need a reminder. I love my children with no expectation. I simply love them. It is plain and simple. They do not have to love me, do things to make me happy or please me. There is nothing they can do to make me not love them.It is all about me loving them that brings me the joy.
I feel and think the same way about my spouse, my parents and all others I love. This all sounds like,
"its all about me" and it is, but not in anyway selfish. It works for me and those I love. I am free to love them, without fear as I am the only one who can take that away and I know I never will. Without my issues as a child ( abandonment etc) i doubt I would have found this road of love. There is a saying ..... " love cannot live where fear dwells".... for me, from experience I know it is true !
Have faith and give the worlds greatest gift to yourself...Love another, and yourself, simply and beautifully because it feels more joyous than anything else in this world

[FAYE56]

Hi Ripples

It's funny, I went through the "rejection" phase when I was a teenager and always thought that that was it - I never felt that being adopted was a handicap. I know I was loved by my parents (unconditionally) Where they perfect parents? There aren't any. My low self esteem - did that come from being adopted? I don't think so - but maybe. Trust - I never had a problem with Trust - I married my first husband when I was 21 - was married for 7 years - up until last year he was the only one to ever trully "rip my heart out". I was divorced for 17 years - not because I couldn't Trust anyone, I just refuse to settle for just anyone. I'm glad to say I am married again ( 5 1/2 yrs) and I can trully say I am very much in love and extremely happy with him.

The only other person to ever "rip my heart out" was my birth mother this past November - when, in her sweet, quiet, christian way - told me never to contact her or her family.

Will I allow her to ruin who I am - no way, I will continue to love my husband, my children, his children, our friends and family and any future Grandchildren that I hope we are blessed with......

And yes, even without her help I will continue to try and figure out a way to get the name of my birth father and maybe one day find him and his family.

[Ferney]

I've been married for almost five years. We are very happy. However, I am not the most trusting person. Not just because I'm adopted but because I'm me. It probably stems from the fact that I am adopted.

Being adopted does not affect my marriage because my husband is so loving. He even acknowledges how wicked people can be and says calming things like: "I know they are like that but after awhile you will see I'm different. I don't blame you for not trusting men because I see what a lot of them do but you'll see I'm different, I'm staying, I've waited a long time for you." This helps me a lot.

I don't have children and I know it's because I'm adopted. I have VERY high standards about child rearing, choice of parent etc. Plus I was very thoughtful about how much time it takes to really raise a child. It takes a lot of emotional giving and could I give it, I was not sure. So no kids, just Godkids.

[babygirlCA]

Hi Sun 8,

I wanted to thank you for your post! I'm going through quite a bit of finding me and healing me right now and your post was just what I needed. I'm finally learning to really just love me, give my love and not be concerned with others thoughts and judgments of me...be true to me, without feeling like I'm being selfish. I'm saving your post for me to reflect on, as needed.

[lavett96]

Ripples, I have been with my husband 11 years. It wasn't easy! I came with a lot of baggage. He has been real understanding and hasn't given up on me. With each new year I find myself letting down walls with him that I can't and probably never will with anyone else. When I find myself saying it could be better I look at what he has given me compared to what I have had to offer. Nothing. When we first got together I was an empty shell. I did not want children, a family, or to be tied down to anyone or anything. He opened my eyes to a whole new world. I have two children now that I would protect with my life! I still don't like to be tied to one area but hopfully someday that will go away too. We still have tons of hurdels to jump but he has always said that we would jump them together. In the beginning I kept breaking up with him. Now I am glad he was persistant and wouln't take no for an answer! He and my children have been the only stable thing in my life, and with him (it took time) came a huge extended family that made me long for something more. If it weren't for them I would still think that my amom was always correct. I hope one day you will encounter that too.

[MBronson]

You have a very good Idea. I for one was adopted at birth, I have been with my husband for almost 5 years married for almost 1. He has been my rock, He supports me in my "baggage". He wants me to find my birthmother..maybe even more than I want to. When I have my break downs, he is there, holding my hand, saying everything will be ok. We also have 2 little girls, they are my heart. I am very excited to share my story with them, that I have 2 "Mommies and 2 Daddies". Life has not been easy, I have my insecurities about the abandonment, but in the long run, I am glad that hubby has put up with me for so long.

[DBelle1981]

Hello~
I was adopted when I was just a few days old and this summer I will be married 7 years. I have a lot of trust issues and rejection problems but when I found my now husband it was not about "guts" it just felt right and took my time and had lots of communication with him and he knew that I was adopted and he was okay with it. He has been the one that I can lean on when I feel like I'm falling. He is very supportive and for that I am so thankful.

[Socrmom3]

I married the first time out of want to be loved and feel "connected" with someone. I married him to get out of my home with my amom who didn't want me to come back after not liking college the first year anyway. I married to have the family I thought I never had.

All of that lasted 15 years until he simply left one day for someone else and never came back, leaving me penniless with 3 kids to raise alone.

I decided then it was time for me to stop thinking of all I didn't have or never had and wanted to have. I started looking at what I did have (my children) and all I could be. I stopped letting the past run my life and started taking control of it. If no one else ever "wanted" me again, I was ok with that because *I* wanted me.

I am now remarried to a loving, caring, supportive man who loves me in spite of all of my "flaws". I no longer am afraid of abandonment because I have been there and I have survived.

I only recently contacted my bfamily although I have known who my bmom is for nearly 10 years. It was no until I was ok with who I was that I felt I could make that connection and deal with whatever the consequences were.

My husband has been my rock and support and there are days I think I couldn't make it without him. But I know I can...and that makes my marriage that much stronger because I choose to be here.

[fauxgina]

There are some incredible insights in this thread. I think the one to really come away with is that there has been a point in all of our lives when we could not envision ourselves being able to trust someone enough to marry them. Some of us avoided getting married until we knew we were ready, others of us married too soon for the "wrong" reasons. I remember when I was younger and I would see a man propose to a woman in a movie or TV show and she would say "Yes"--I would always wonder, horrified, how could she know, just like that, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with a person? I never thought I'd trust anyone enough to make that kind of commitment.

I don't know when that mindset stopped, but I grew out of it. It sounds like all of the married adoptees here have had to do some healing before being happy in romantic relationships and, ultimately, marriage. I have only been married for seven months, but I've known my husband for nearly eight years. We were in a long-distance relationship for seven of those years, which I've read can be quite common for adoptees; it provides us with the distance we need to feel safe enough to open up. We developed an incredibly strong emotional and mental bond that lasts to this day; he was my lifeline in my darkest times, and I tried to be his. I don't know if we would have made it had we been together in "real life," as I was going through some very rough times--feeling all the pain, anger, grief, and sorrow that I'd been denying existed for the previous 17 years. I was very confused, and I was scared at how committed he seemed to be. I couldn't understand what he saw in me... so I tested him. I cheated on him. He was deeply hurt, but still wanted to be with me if I would commit to him. Completely bewildered, I broke up with him and pursued the other guy. My now husband still wanted to be with me. I had to grow up and heal in order to really trust him (and myself). I realised how miserable I was without him in my life, and after talking it out, I got back into the relationship. He told me that he knew I was the one he wanted to be with, and while that scared me, I knew deep down that's what I wanted too.

I moved to England a little over a year ago to finally have a normal life with him and get married. It's been wonderful, but tough at times. I trust him completely, but I think I've moved the lack of trust on to myself. I guess now that we're together in person and getting to know each other in that way, I'm still a little scared that he'll find something in me--the dark little secret inside, the angry, sad, lonely baby--that he hadn't seen before and stop loving me. I no longer have that barrier of safety between us. Sometimes I have little panicked thoughts about the possibility that we might get divorced in several years' time. When I find myself thinking that way, I have to remind myself that, no matter how scared I get, I want to be with him. Plus, it would take a hell of a lot to break us up with everything we've already been through--and survived. More importantly, That's another key word from these posts--we've survived. We're no longer afraid of annihilation if we're rejected or disappointed or even dumped. We've been there, done that, and know that we are strong enough to make it through.

You, too, will reach the point when you let that one special person into your world. Not all at once--more like dipping your toe into the pool to test the temperature, then your foot, then your leg, and so on. It is difficult and scary and makes you see yourself in ways you'd rather not--but it's worth it to come out the other side loving someone without abandon, and being loved for who and what you are, even when you both make mistakes and say stupid things and argue about who does which chores.

I think the biggest mistake we adoptees make when approaching relationships--romantic or otherwise--is to project our feelings onto others. If we feel inadequate, we make others feel inadquate. If we feel rejected, we reject others. We don't trust ourselves (because we made our mothers give us up), so we don't trust others, either. Everyone poses a threat to the eternal victim inside us. We baffle those around us because we are not reacting to present situations and relationships--we are reacting to the first situation and relationship, with our birth mother. As infants, we internalised the blame for being relinquished, telling ourselves that if we had been better, she'd have kept us. But it hurts too much to feel that way all the time, so we make others do the feeling for us, and then we are bewildered when they don't want to be put through that. These are nothing more than coping mechanisms, and once an adoptee can separate his true self from the coping mechanisms that keep him feeling safe--in other words, stop coping and start living--relationships cannot work. We must be honest, and willing to talk to our partners openly about what we're going through. Without communication, it all breaks down.

I hope you've found some nuggets of wisdom in these posts. Best of luck to you.

[michshellbell]

Hi Ripples
I agree with quite a bit of what the other folks are saying. It is how you portray yourself of course, that other people portray you as. And granted we all wear a mask to a certain point, but we have to take it off with certain people, close friends and family and significant others. This can be really hard, and especially hard for most of us as we all hold our feelings, trust, confidence and our loved ones at bay, so we don't get hurt.
I was adopted when I was only a few months old, but I too, just like the rest of you felt scared of getting too close to friends, family and even myself. My parents were never told about "attachment" and how it works and what you can do to help, so I went my whole life until about 9 months ago without having an understanding of why I feel the way I do. My parents hoped it was just temper tantrums or teenage girl years that were making me leary of intimacy when I was growing up. However unlike any other child that would have a tantrum to get attention, I would get upset and run away. I didn't want anyone to touch me, talk to me, to try and reason with me, although at the same time I longed for it. I never understood. I finally learned of attachment, and that adoptees just like me feel exactly the same way when it comes to intimate relationships. I started talking with a therapist, who is also an adoptive and biological mother, about what she does with her own children to work out these issues. Her biggest word of advice I found was realize when I was starting to get volunterable and push myself away, to go to and hold my husband or talk even more deeply with a friend. If I continually let myself get away with causing a sudden stop to intimacy, I will never feel it. It took all the courage I had to talk with a few friends about it (ones I always considered close but never really were because I wouldn't let them be, but yet they were still here...) and told them that when I don't answer their phone calls or don't call them back or start a fight just so I can push them away, it's not that I don't want to be with them, it's because I'm scared. What I asked them to do is keep calling me, leave me messages, keep reminding me that they care about me, they don't want to hurt me and they love me. It is the same with my husband. When I get upset and try to "push" him away when we are getting too close, he will keep persueing me. If I try to push him out of a hug, he keeps hugging me. If I say leave me alone, he tells me he loves me. Then I will finally cave (for this time) and realize he will not leave me. When I can see how I'm acting (like a 3 year old) and he is still perueing me and loving me, I learn he will never leave me. Now granted it takes the guts to initially talk with those whom you want to be that close to about the struggles you face. That is by far the hardest thing in itself. But if you can do that, then you will have more people around you that understand you and will help you every step of the way. Otherwise, you are trying to face it on your own, and thinking, "Gosh, I could never get that close to someone" is just giving in to the attachment issues and you will feel like you are fighting everything on your own. If you tell yourself these things, you will convince yourself it is that way, and that is just the way it is. But it doesn't have to be, and it's your choice to rise above it. It was, and is still the hardest thing that I struggle with everyday. No, it will never be perfect, but granted no one is right? We adoptees just have more to deal with, but that just makes us all the more stronger!
I know you have it in you, you just have to find it. Talk with one person (whether a friend or family member), not a therapist, about the struggles you face and the things you need from them. It takes all the effort in the world to say it outloud, but I promise you, it will feel like you have climbed the first mountain and it will get easier from there.

[TashaD]

I got married at a very young age I was 19 and my husband was 18 when we got married. At the time I was not even interested in searching and I didnt feel like I had issues with abondenment or trust. I am just now having strong feelings since I have found my birth mom and I am going through some different emtions about my adoption. But I have always had a firm foundation with my husband who has been my crutch and best friend. I have always been a little to trusting in life and I always tend to give people more chances than they deserve. I hope I made since. I feel like I am rambiling. lol.

[BradB]

Well, I am always happy to tell about my marriage so I'll share as well...

Before I met the woman who is now my wife, the longest relationship I had with anyone was 8 months and the last 3 were horrible. I think I kept it going because I felt like I had to sustain something... at any rate, I met my wife and we dated for about 5 months before I proposed to here and we moved in together in January of 1996. Our wedding date was not until September of 97, which was a comfortable thing for me. I had a year and a half of engagement to be sure and I'll tell you I have never looked back. I think alot has to do with finding someone that I completely fell in love with and that feeling has not changed in the last 10 years.
Now for the effects from my adoption ripples... We are closer now then we have ever been because I finally faced the fact that what I have allowed to become the norm was not in fact normal. My wife has been very understanding, and while she does not think I am out of place etc... she realizes she can't feel what I feel. I think the important part of being a married adoptee is the same as anyone else. You have to have love, trust, and good communication. Some of the hurdles may be different in your relationship, but I believe the same tools are used to fix them.

[uTonyNashm]

I am getting married on May 25th, 2008. I have not had one girlfriend or relationship my entire 22 years. The only sexual encounters I had were bad/abuse from males.

I met my soulmate, best friend, and lover about a year ago. She is 33 and divorced w/4 kids, and has a VERY hard past of her own. 1 child she had in high school and the other 3 from marriage. She has longed for me, and I for her. Although, I had convinvced myself I was going to die alone and sad before I met her.

I wouldn't want or trust any other woman to take my heart and soul into their hands. Who else better, than her? And I was made for her as well. There are things that happend bewtween us that no other souls would have known or are able to do. Talk about being meant to be. I can't explain it.

She has never truely been in love and I never had been either. She was made to feel she owed things to people, whatever her idea of love was-- it was completely wrong, she said. She has never been in love. She never felt these feelings for any man in her life at all and only stayed married for the kids, she always wanted a family.

She has since told me, the first time I opened my mouth, she was in love with me. It feels so obvious and natural to be with her, and her with me.

The kids are the greatest and love me. And I them. But it is hard for me to open up and give love...but it is hardest for me to accpet it! I hate it!

I recently found out how much my adoption and abuse have effected me. It explains SO much about my life. I am still trying to figure out meeting my birth mom(last few months), and I am still trying to even find myself! As a result of all this going on, I have been put on Zoloft & go to therapy. Still only a few weeks in to both. I have also tried suicide twice...I don't want to again, but I get scared...but I promised Shelly I never would...

I have closed myself off since I was young. I never showed the real me. I always felt I didn't matter, and that I actually deserved bad things. I am also a self-sabotager. This has caused problems with everyone in my life. Everything has been a fight--it is me against the world! Even when I first started seeing Shelly it was a battle, but most everyone is on our side now. I am used to feeling like **** and that I am always wrong...

I am still working on this as we speak. It is so hard for me to feel love sometimes, I get vicious and sad. I question if I feel full love twoard my afamily. I know I love Shelly though. But I sometimes can't accept her love to me and I shut down in return.

But I have gotten better and will continue to work. Please tell me there is hope!

She, Shelly, is why I am alive and here today.